it's been a while... 3 years Not TTC, advice

jnj10

First off, this is going to be long. Sorry for that. I guess I can start off with saying that I was a member of this site 3 years ago with my ex-husband and although I never thought I would be back here, I am struggling for answers and I have no where else to turn. I have PCOS, I was diagnosed when I was 13 yo and I didn't have regular periods at all up until about 3 years ago. We were TTC for over a year with 3 rounds of Clomid under our belts. Our marriage was not a good one for many reasons and TTC brought it all into the light for me. I am thankful that we didn't have a child. He was not a kind person to say the least and everyday I woke up I had to walk on eggshells. I am so thankful that with help from family I was able to do so.

I have since found an amazing man who treats me like gold, we'll call him D. We have been together almost 2 years but we have known each other since we were in high school. We had a special kind of friendship that we knew we loved each other but it just wasn't meant to be at the time. D knows all about my struggles for children and understands to a point. D has 3 children from 2 previous relationships. D was never given a choice to be a part of his children's lives. He owes child support for them from when he was in college. His son was a surprise but he tried to make it work with the mom. She has since lost custody of this boy to her father. The state took him away from her when he was about 3 years old. His other 2 girls completely blindsided him, D was told they weren't his children. Two years later he was given notice that they were in fact, his. D is from Maine and we live in Ohio. The state of Maine counts back to 2 months prior to birth once paternity is established. So it was kinda like the Maury show honestly. D's DNA was tested along with about 7 other men. Surprise! We were informed about a year ago that those girls are now in state custody. We are hoping to get my debt settled (ex-hubby let my medical bills go to collection without informing me so I have been sued twice because of him) before we attempt to get custody of his children and start our own family together. We currently are not stable enough for children at all and I know that but...

Now onto why I need advice...

I have accepted the fact that we cannot support children right now. I am happy to wait. It sucks but I've already accepted the fact that I may never be a mother either. I am struggling right now because I have a co worker who just told me that she is pregnant today. (Short version) She didn't want anymore and was actually talking about leaving her SO and debating on finding someone on the side. I am angry because its just not fair. I know life isn't fair and all that BS but come on... I can't talk about it with D because he is on the opposite side of this spectrum. He doesnt understand why I could be so angry. Its not time for us (he wants to wait 5 more years) because of his past situations. I mean I just don't understand how someone like that could deserve a child and I may never even get one. I know my health issues are not going to get better with age. I am 26 years old and I know I am young but I'm scared. Scared that I will have waited like agreed with D (in 3 years, compromise) and it be too late. I am scared that I am just being jealous and trying to justify my emotions too. I don't like not knowing if it will happen. I don't know if I can take another struggle for TTC like before. help please!

BlueBirdMB

Hold your horses woman.  You are only 26 years old!  You have another 10-15 years to conceive a child.  You are 100% not in a situation to have one right now.  I would say the biggest reason you are not in a position to have a child is all of D's baggage.  That's a crazzzyyyyyy amount of drama and responsibility and I'm not sure he should have more children- it's sounds like he's made some questionable decisions in his past and probably isn't mature enough to handle a child with you now.

It sounds like you don't know where life is going to lead you now, which is another reason why you shouldn't have a child with this man.  Do you really think this is a forever-type of relationship?  You don't want to consider having a child with a man that you don't think might last.  I'd question whether he'd stick around.

Let's say he does stick around and this relationship is something you want to commit to.  He's already got 3 children who are in precarious situations. Maybe he could get custody and those could be your children together.  Or he could start being a big part of their lives with you as their step mother.  Or if that doesn't work and he doesn't get to be a large part of their lives, you could adopt.  There are many ways to have a family and getting pregnant doesn't have to be the only option.

But it doesn't sound like you should even be considering having a child with this man until situations with his other children get sorted out and he proves that he can be a committed man who makes reliable, responsible life choices. 

Saratiff

jnj10 said:

First off, this is going to be long. Sorry for that. I guess I can start off with saying that I was a member of this site 3 years ago with my ex-husband and although I never thought I would be back here, I am struggling for answers and I have no where else to turn. I have PCOS, I was diagnosed when I was 13 yo and I didn't have regular periods at all up until about 3 years ago. We were TTC for over a year with 3 rounds of Clomid under our belts. Our marriage was not a good one for many reasons and TTC brought it all into the light for me. I am thankful that we didn't have a child. He was not a kind person to say the least and everyday I woke up I had to walk on eggshells. I am so thankful that with help from family I was able to do so.

I have since found an amazing man who treats me like gold, we'll call him D. We have been together almost 2 years but we have known each other since we were in high school. We had a special kind of friendship that we knew we loved each other but it just wasn't meant to be at the time. D knows all about my struggles for children and understands to a point. D has 3 children from 2 previous relationships. D was never given a choice to be a part of his children's lives. He owes child support for them from when he was in college. His son was a surprise but he tried to make it work with the mom. She has since lost custody of this boy to her father. The state took him away from her when he was about 3 years old. His other 2 girls completely blindsided him, D was told they weren't his children. Two years later he was given notice that they were in fact, his. D is from Maine and we live in Ohio. The state of Maine counts back to 2 months prior to birth once paternity is established. So it was kinda like the Maury show honestly. D's DNA was tested along with about 7 other men. Surprise! We were informed about a year ago that those girls are now in state custody. We are hoping to get my debt settled (ex-hubby let my medical bills go to collection without informing me so I have been sued twice because of him) before we attempt to get custody of his children and start our own family together. We currently are not stable enough for children at all and I know that but...

Now onto why I need advice...

I have accepted the fact that we cannot support children right now. I am happy to wait. It sucks but I've already accepted the fact that I may never be a mother either. I am struggling right now because I have a co worker who just told me that she is pregnant today. (Short version) She didn't want anymore and was actually talking about leaving her SO and debating on finding someone on the side. I am angry because its just not fair. I know life isn't fair and all that BS but come on... I can't talk about it with D because he is on the opposite side of this spectrum. He doesnt understand why I could be so angry. Its not time for us (he wants to wait 5 more years) because of his past situations. I mean I just don't understand how someone like that could deserve a child and I may never even get one. I know my health issues are not going to get better with age. I am 26 years old and I know I am young but I'm scared. Scared that I will have waited like agreed with D (in 3 years, compromise) and it be too late. I am scared that I am just being jealous and trying to justify my emotions too. I don't like not knowing if it will happen. I don't know if I can take another struggle for TTC like before. help please!

qfp~ because it needed to be done 

It sounds like you really want to have a baby, and it sounds like you are realize you are not prepared to have a child at think time. That sounds great; your maternal clock is not ticking away into oblivion. You have time, so that is good news. 

 It also sounds like you are so caught up in the long lost high school sweetheart fantasy that you are not looking at this situation for what it is.  There are a few really concerning facts here the first

 

1.     She has since lost custody of this boy to her father.  The baby’s father should have had first option, why did he not get custody of the child then?

2.     His other 2 girls completely blindsided him, D was told they weren't his children. Two years later he was given notice that they were in fact, his.  How did he not know both of the kids were not his? I mean clearly he slept with her more than once. This just sounds fishy.

hI really hope that D is being straight with you and that you get all this mess figured out before you bring another child into this mess. It sounds like he strung out this cock and bull story and your drinking the cool aid to be honest. I wish you all the best. Good Luck

Mysterious_wife

Run. And run fast. Any father. Who doesn't get try to get immediate custody isn't worth keeping. You shouldn't even be in his equation on when he gets his kids. You're not married.

normandyn7

Mysterious_wife said:

Run. And run fast. Any father. Who doesn't get try to get immediate custody isn't worth keeping. You shouldn't even be in his equation on when he gets his kids. You're not married.

All of this. It's a bad situation all around.

I know a girl who was with a guy who had a son by a woman who lived in a different state. He told this woman he wanted a baby with her so she got pregnant. Well he took off and left the baby and doesn't see the child or pay child support. Well, the girl I know got with this guy and she knew about his kid and the whole situation. They got engaged and they purposely got pregnant. Well he took off before the kid was born and she is now a single mom to a 2 year old and she doesn't get child support from him either.

Learn from those women's mistakes and run away. Fast.

normandyn7

Whitney101411 said:

Holy shit @smithaz602‌ I think we know the same person. Lol

Or there are just a bunch of dumbass women out there.

jnnfrrose6

Why is no one questioning if this is MUD?

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Jags8

Mysterious_wife said:

Run. And run fast. Any father. Who doesn't get try to get immediate custody isn't worth keeping. 

This was my thoughts exactly

Meery82

Whitney101411 said:

That is fucking CREEPY!!

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

DecemberGirl1216

Don't have more babies with someone already involved in the CPS world. Want better for yourself and your potential children. Even if not directly due to what's going on in your home, do you want your child to grow up being exposed to stuff like that?

proudtobeazebra

This absolutely happened to my friend too. She got involved with a guy who already had a child, said she was ok with it, but as time went on, she became more jealous and resentful of the previous GF and child (he was going to visit them by himself almost half way across the country because she wasn't allowed, super sketchy). Their relationship got shaky, she got pregnant with twins. Now he's moved on, "gets back with her" sometimes, and does who knows what on his own time. 

Bottom line, run away. Serial baby-makers are dangerous.

CallMeShoes

I actually don't mean this to be bitchy, but it will likely come across that way.

D needs to keep it in his pants.  And if he refuses to do so, he needs to invest in some rubbers.

Holy hell.  That's a LOT of drama.  Why do you want to be baby momma #3?  Eff that!