Irrational thoughts

MeNV

I'm sorry I haven't been very active on this board. I read along but always feel like I'm going to say the wrong thing and end up deleting before I post.

I'm curious if anyone else has had completely irrational thoughts since their loss. I told my husband the other day that sometimes I still feel like there is a way to fix this. If I could just figure out the right answer I can still have my Frannie. I'm guessing I'm still in some sort of denial. I also have very large fibroids and still look pregnant. I have spent too many two am hours googling missed twins, trying to convince myself that despite the fact that I had countless ultrasounds, including with a MFM, they missed a baby and I'm still pregnant. 

I know this isn't possible, but I can't get rid of these painful thoughts. During the day they aren't really that bad, but when I try to sleep at night.. I'm at a loss. Did anyone else experience this? How long did it take to stop? 

mmsweeney1

** ticker **



I am so sorry you're having such a terrible time. I remember reading a lot of books about coping with stillbirth and they all said it's common to think the baby is going to come back. I think that seems similar to thinking you can still fix it. I would think you just need time to process what happened. It can all be so abrupt - you're pregnant anticipating a wonderful baby, you get bad news, you deliver, you go home empty, you are physically healed.......... it's like how did this happen!?

((Hugs)) to you and I hope you start feeling better

angelsnight

Ticker warning

I remember the feeling....like it was all temporary, and if I just held out for X amount of time I could have my baby back.  I think it's definitely a stage of denial, like our hearts were protecting ourselves from the truth that we just couldn't handle yet.  However for me, it always hurt like hell when I snapped back to reality and realized it wasn't temporary and she wasn't coming back.

TeamWinForever

((Hugs)) I have no advice really, but I think that what you are experiencing is normal. In the begining, nights were the worst for me as well. I ended up taking a low dose of Xanax at bedtime in order to calm the anxiety. Now, at almost 3 months out, I only take it occasionally. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but you aren't alone.

lrichmond86

I didn't feel this way when we lost baby gary because I held him after delivery and I knew he was gone. But with Riley I felt like I was still pregnant for a while afterward. I think it was because I didn't get to see our hold him. I occasionally still touch my belly expecting it to be firm or feel a gas bubble and think it's him moving. I know logically that there's no baby there, but my heart hopes that there is. I'm sorry you're struggling.

bunnybun4

I remember having strange thoughts like they missed taking her out and she was still in there.  They would be split second thoughts and I would quickly snap back but I do remember thinking that she could still be in there.

As for the thoughts keeping you up at night...I struggled with this really bad and told my therapist about it.  She taught me some relaxation exercises that really, really helped.

MeNV

Thanks all. I'm glad to know it's normal and sad that you can relate. 

@Irichmond86 That's part of the reason I feel so,so crazy. Frannie was born alive (although she only lived for a few minutes) and I was able to hold her for hours and hours after she passed, but I still get that weird feeling that the answer to all of this is in the back of my mind and if I could just wrap my puny brain around it. I too still touch my belly and find myself waiting for movement. 

Stupid brain. 

AshersMom11

I know how you feel. Like others said it has been worse at night. Sometimes I jut curl up and shut my eyes and tell myself to wake up, that if I try hard enough I can and this would all be a bad dream.

JessicaG220

*ticker warning*

I felt exactly the same way. That if I wished hard enough or if I missed her enough, she would come back. I felt like once enough time passed, she would be given back to me. The mind works in weird ways.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. The only thing that has helped me is time. Hugs to you.

lexusolsen

While I'm glad I'm not alone in these thoughts it is awful that you are all suffering too. I also held Ben for a few hours and still have this feeling. I just hope it gets easier to deal with as time goes on.

mumel16

You're not alone. I still agonize over decisions, playing things over and over to try to find the outcome that "works". I have to remind myself all the time not to destroy myself and second guess things, because it won't change anything. Then it all comes rushing back all over again.

daffodil428

I was just saying to a friend that grief isn't fair. To be angry, in denial, sad, hopeful, and bargaining all at the same time is terrible. I have had moments recently where I feel a gas bubble and think to myself "was that the baby?". Then my next thought is "it can't be..." and I come crashing back to reality. I had lost my little girl before I was able to confirm or deny if the feelings I felt were her kicking or my subconscious.  

 

Grief and loss are the most painful events of life. However feel that which each loss,I am made to be a better person. After the grief period I find I am more patient, more loving, more aware that life is so precious.