Hello Again - Vacation Question

HoolyGo

Hello everybody. I've posted here and there over the last year, but to recap, I have one SD (4) and a DS (9 months).

My question is about vacations. We get SD every year for a summer vacation for a few weeks. I also attend a conference every summer, that's usually in a pretty cool location. Before I met DH I almost always extended my time at the conference location for a mini vacation. After DH, he and I would travel together for the conference and extend it. This year, the conference is in a major family tourist location, and we thought it would be nice to take SD. However, we already planned a very big international vacation later in the summer that we are taking SD on (with DS).

I hear a lot on this board about it not being right to take a vacation without the skids, but what do you think about a situation like this? I will be going to a conference every year and my flight, meals, hotel, car rental, etc. are all paid for, so it makes it pretty inexpensive to add on a few days. However, we can't always take SD (because we are taking her on another vacation later in the summer.) Is it so wrong to do this? Does it make a difference that because DH is a SAHD, he and DS travel with me anytime I have to go somewhere overnight for work, so they'd be attending the conference whether we extended the time there or not anyway.

cole2144

If you can get SD for the time and take her but choose not to even though you are taking DS, I believe that is shitty. If however you can`t get the time, then I don`t think you should all miss out just because SD can`t go.

jpearce327

I don't think that is a big deal at all. You're already taking her on a big/nice vacation. You are not obligated to take her every single place you go. I have a 4 year old son (my husband's step) and we have a 7 week old DD together. We are planning a trip without DS. Parents do it all the time. We have full custody of him, and wanted a small getaway before school started up again, but DD is too young to leave behind. We compromised with leaving one kid and taking the other.

Later that month we have a big family vacation planned with both children. Do I love my son? Very much. But parents just need vacations sometimes too.

You have a baby that I'm sure you're not comfortable leaving yet either.

ambrvan

Get a sitter and go just you and H. Otherwise, do not CHOOSE not to take SD but could then I think that's a bad move. If she won't be with you at that time, all of you can go. If your choosing to leave her behind, then leave both children and make it the two of you.

Nothing wrong with her not going, but how you do it and why is important.

twister22

cole2144 said:

If you can get SD for the time and take her but choose not to even though you are taking DS, I believe that is shitty. If however you can`t get the time, then I don`t think you should all miss out just because SD can`t go.

I agree. Ask BM if she is willing to give you guys the extra time and/or swap time with you. A vacation is a bigger deal than time at home, so I would make an effort to include SD.

circe811

In agreement with the others. If you can't get the time, you can;t get the time. The rest of the familt doesn't have to miss out.

ambrvan

ambrvan said:

Get a sitter and go just you and H. Otherwise, do not CHOOSE not to take SD but could then I think that's a bad move. If she won't be with you at that time, all of you can go. If your choosing to leave her behind, then leave both children and make it the two of you.

Nothing wrong with her not going, but how you do it and why is important.

Whoa, don't know what mobile turned this into. I was on my break at work when I posted this. Too tired to fix it now, but you hopefully get the idea. I agree with PApers.

Sigir

IMO as a BM w a dd with exh, and two babies w my current h - if i could not bring my oldest bc exh would not let me, I would be ok w taking the babies this time. However, once the babies are old enough to tell my oldest what we did, I would not take them on a vacation to a family destination without her. Taking 1/2 the kids to disney for a week is a lot different than taking them to the beach for a day. I think it would make my oldest very sad to miss something like that. So I would either go w just my dh or forgo it, when the babies are older.

Sigir

BTW I can relate to your quandary. I travel for work a lot and there are often some awesome places that I would love to add on a vacation to. Sometimes you can, and sometimes you can't. As your family matures and your responsibilities change, you'll see that sometimes it just isn't possible to make it happen - at least that has been my experience.

HoolyGo

Thanks for all the answers. Yes, we were unable to get the extra time to take SD. BM already allowed extra time for the other trip we're taking.

I have thought about how it's different now because DS is a baby. If he were older, I can definitely see how that would be an issue. It's something I'll have to keep in mind.

Another question. How does everyone feel about the step parent taking their bio child somewhere without the rest of the family? For instance, if I just took DS, with no DH, to visit family out of town?

Sigir

HoolyGo said:

Thanks for all the answers. Yes, we were unable to get the extra time to take SD. BM already allowed extra time for the other trip we're taking. I have thought about how it's different now because DS is a baby. If he were older, I can definitely see how that would be an issue. It's something I'll have to keep in mind. Another question. How does everyone feel about the step parent taking their bio child somewhere without the rest of the family? For instance, if I just took DS, with no DH, to visit family out of town?

If you were taking your bio child to see your parents in Nebraska, NBD imo. If you were taking your bio child to your parents who live in Orlando and you stay at WDW, that could be an issue. I would feel badly about that.

JLHV1909

Another question. How does everyone feel about the step parent taking their bio child somewhere without the rest of the family? For instance, if I just took DS, with no DH, to visit family out of town?

Honestly, I plan and intend to take my DS after he is born  with me to the mountains to see his grandparents (my parents) several times throughout the course of the year.  Back story to this is that I am a year-round teacher and get four long breaks throughout the school year.  I have always traveled to visit my parents for a long week.  DH and SD never go with me on these trips.  They go with me when it is a long weekend, but not for my week at a time visits.  In my opinion, we pay good money for SD to go to the YMCA during the school breaks (and it gives her time with her Daddy), and I enjoy the time with my parents.  I will just continue to travel there for an entire week with only my DS after he is born.  

I also feel like it is important for my parents to be able to build a relationship with their Grandson without worrying about my SD.  This sounds mean and I expect to get flamed, but with their prior experience they accepted and welcomed two stepgrandsons.  Only to lose any and all contact with them when my brother and their mother divorced.  There is also a huge age difference that will exist between SD and DS.  Not to mention, I don't expect (nor do I want) SD's BM's mom to take my DS with them when they spend time together or go somewhere together.  

Abenedict2011

My SS is missing out on our family beach vacation this year bc he has band camp and we had to plan it as late in august as we could bc LO will only be 8week then. Ss is 14 and understands that it would be a risk for taking a vacation in august(we didn't know the dates for band camp when we made vacation reservations).

To your other question, I take my step kids on overnights without husband sometimes, especially when he is away in business. I give SS a choice of going with us or staying with his mom and SD comes with us bc we have primary custody (her mother hasn't ha contact since January.)

Ilumine

I swear I hate this.  

Basically in the OPs situation she has to go on this conference.  She has no choice in the date, time and location.  She is not purposefully excluding the stepchild, the situation is not lending itself to including the stepchild. 

So because this year's conference falls in a desirable location AND because they have scheduling difficulties with the stepchild, the biochild is now going to have to MISS OUT?  

So instead of the step kid resenting the bio kid, the bio kid gets to resent the step kid...who may even get to go on cool trips with his other parent/family?

This is the life of a blended family.  It is not going to be equal, EVER.  But you damn well try to make it FAIR TO ALL INVOLVED, not just the stepchild.   

JLHV1909

Thank you @Ilumine‌!!! I hate when some people forget that the stepchild has another family that probably does their own cool vacations with the child. In fact, my sd has been to the beach twice without us this summer when she traveled with her maternal gm. I'll be damned if my baby travels with them next year- so the travel won't ever be equal. Try to include the stepchild but I would not make my bio child miss out on anything because of the stepchild.

HoolyGo

To update everyone, we could not get SD during the time, and I was not going to travel that long and that far away from DS without him, since traveling with him was an option. We did end up doing a lot of the family activities in the area and had a great time, though DS was pretty clueless about the whole thing, lol. We made sure not to post anything on FB that would get back to BM or SD and we haven't mentioned anything to SD.

All those who posted gave me a lot to think about both as it relates to vacations and other fun activities and events. I don't want my child to miss out on things just because SD can't always be there. At the same time, we try our hardest to plan things around when we have SD. I guess trying your best is all you can do.

Ilumine

This is a test, it is only a test.  @HoolyGo

HoolyGo

In our case BM's financial situation is actually better than ours, though both households can afford to go on vacations, attend special events or shows, etc. So, that does not factor into our decision on what we choose to do with SD. But definitely, that should be taken into account if there is a big difference in income.

Ilumine

-auntie- said:

Ilumine said:

I swear I hate this.  

Basically in the OPs situation she has to go on this conference.  She has no choice in the date, time and location.  She is not purposefully excluding the stepchild, the situation is not lending itself to including the stepchild. 

So because this year's conference falls in a desirable location AND because they have scheduling difficulties with the stepchild, the biochild is now going to have to MISS OUT?  

Biochild is 9 months old; he's not in a place to resent anyone right now. In a couple years, in a different situation, my feelings would be different. This sounds like a one off and a situation where the child who is 3 years older is the more appropriate age for the trip regardless of who mom is. 

So instead of the step kid resenting the bio kid, the bio kid gets to resent the step kid...who may even get to go on cool trips with his other parent/family?

Maybe, maybe not. Most often the financial circumstances of the dad are better than that of the mother in a divorce/single parenting situation.

-auntie- said:

Ilumine said:

I swear I hate this.  

Basically in the OPs situation she has to go on this conference.  She has no choice in the date, time and location.  She is not purposefully excluding the stepchild, the situation is not lending itself to including the stepchild. 

So because this year's conference falls in a desirable location AND because they have scheduling difficulties with the stepchild, the biochild is now going to have to MISS OUT?  

Biochild is 9 months old; he's not in a place to resent anyone right now. In a couple years, in a different situation, my feelings would be different. This sounds like a one off and a situation where the child who is 3 years older is the more appropriate age for the trip regardless of who mom is. 

So?  Now parents can't go on vacations unless all of their children are available.  Vacations that are partially funded by one parent's job, thus leaving more money for a full family vacation?  

And if the YOUNG AGE of the BIO child determines that the BIO should not feel bad that he/she didnt know what was going on (i.e. couldn't enjoy his time there) then the STEP CHILD should understand that distinction and not be bothered either?

Fair does not mean equal.  

So instead of the step kid resenting the bio kid, the bio kid gets to resent the step kid...who may even get to go on cool trips with his other parent/family?

Maybe, maybe not. Most often the financial circumstances of the dad are better than that of the mother in a divorce/single parenting situation.

Again this was not a purposeful exclusion of the stepchild, this was happenstance (and I have never ever ever ever never said that step children should not be included in planning family vacations).  Just like happenstance will occur for the stepchild at his other home throughout his/her life. 

If we followed these strict guidelines, a family that lived near a water park would not be able to get the season passes because they would not be allowed to go on the weeks/times that the stepchild wasn't there.  Because a) he is not there and b) Biomom doesn't have the money.  

If we followed these strict guidelines, all movies must be seen when the StepChildren are there, even though it might be a rainy dreary weekend with nothing else to do.  WHY?  Because Biomom doesn't have enough money to buy movie tickets this week. 

If we followed these strict guidelines of money, then the new family cannot buy a video game system OR at the very least use it when Stepkids aren't there because SS didnt get to have one when s/he was young or BM can't afford it in her home.  

Life is not equal.  

Intact families have these very same situations happen all of the time.  People's financial situations change for the better or the worse, schedules screw over one child vs the other child, age differences open up for advances in things and time.  

But you would call an "intact child" entitled if they ever went to their  parents and told them that because s/he did not get the opportunity to do X, that her/his siblings were not allowed to.  

So why is it evil when it happens in blended families?  Evil is intent. 

ambrvan

Oh, and in regards to your other question about bioparent and biochiod going somewhere without the rest of the family...

Nothing wrong with thay either. I take both kids out of town with me to visit family, but oftentimes it is just DS and I. Sometimes, I just happen to go the weekend she is gone, and sometimes (if DH is off all weekend and also not going) I ask if she wants to stay or go.

To be completely honest, it's rare that DH goes with me and it's more hassle than I like taking both of them. I will, of course, because they are both my children, but if I can go when SD is at BM's, I'm all for it. Even better if I can go without either of them. Hey, it's important to foster relationships between them and my family, but it's so much easier to visit when I'm not in mom mode. And to be honest, my grandmother is really the only one in my family involved.

My brother and I often went somewhere with one parent without the rest of the family, and we are bio-sibs. We never thought anything about it.