Vent! So mad at my FIL & MIL!!!

Kboyce08 · June 2014

DH's parents are making me so mad I could scream! I'm not a confrontational person by any means but I'm on the verge of freaking out on them.

So a little back story, they've only seen DS a handful of times since he's been born, and he's three! DH won't let him go to their house because they grow marijuanna in their basement. And every time we go there we come home smelling like it. We have offered to meet them at the park, have lunch/dinner somewhere, go get ice cream, pretty much anything. They can even come to our house, we only like like 5 miles away. But they refuse because we won't let him come there. So basically we've stopped trying to communicate with then about it.

Well, Saturday was my sons third birthday AND their other DIL baby shower (which they also didn't attend) but my husband is out of town. So we had cake on Tuesday with just me, DH, DS, and my grandma because my grandpa is in the hospital. They saw the video on fbook and started posting a bunch if passive aggressive status' about us and how we are burning our bridges. They have never done nothing for us or DS anyways so we aren't to sad. BUT, today I get a text from a mutual friend asking if he can take my DS fishing because his grandparents are upset they didn't get to celebrate his birthday with him. They have NEVER once asked me to meet them anywhere and now they want to go through a third party to try and get to DS? He doesn't even know them well enough to go anywhere alone with them. He doesn't even understand that they are his grandparents! So they were mad at us in DS birthday so they didn't even call to wish him a happy birthday. Good job, punish a toddler because you're mad at me! Way to go!

Ugh I'm sorry that was long but I'm just so mad that they keep blaming us for the decisions they have made. It's no ones faut but their own that their grandson doesn't know them. And this baby won't know them either. At this point I'm not even sad about that. They act like children.

Sockgnome78 · June 2014

Sorry to hear that you are going through this.

It is hard to go through things like this with your DS. At least he is at an age where he does not know what is going on.

I would suggest holding your ground on this. Make this last straw if you will. If you and DH have tried everything under the sun to get together with them outside of their home and have made them fully aware of why you don't want to go over then they drew the line in the sand.

Just stinks to loose parents that live so close. But you have to protect your children!

Glas43 · June 2014

So sorry you are dealing with this! No advice or other comments, just hugs!

Emerald27 · June 2014

It would freak me out if some mutual friend did that. Sounds a bit sneaky (who goes behind mom's back to see her kid?!) and I wouldn't trust them at all.

I agree with PP about holding your ground. Maybe make it very clear again that you and DH are happy to meet the grandparents at any location other than their house for them to visit DS, but under no circumstances will DS 1. Visit with them without a parent present (i.e. friend fishing) or 2. Visit them at their home.

That's pretty simple and straightforward and seems safest and healthiest for your child.

MrMrsandBaby · June 2014

How does your husband feel about this? Since it is his parents that are being cut out here I would think he is pretty torn up about it. Or he is ready to say they are out. Either way, make sure he is involved in the conversation. I have a very good friend who went through something similar and it took two years but they eventually decided to cut her in laws out of her daughters life.

It sucks and is a hard decision but all you can do is what is best for your family. I would decline the invitation from the friend without any explanation. It had to be uncomfortable for him to ask...

But then get with DH and his parents and explain to them (maybe for the 177485th time) that they are more than welcome to see the kids but not at their house and not without you or DH. Make it your mantra so they can't ignore it. Hopefully they will come around.

(On mobile so sorry for any typos)

bumpuser10309732 · June 2014

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. It sounds a lot like what my SIL goes through with her parents, who are constantly drunk. Like the PP said you need to just stand your ground and continue to let them get pissed off about it. It's a shitty situation but hopefully they see what they're doing eventually. I know it causes a lot of stress in the family. Best of luck to you!

golfingdarwinfish · June 2014

Sorry you are going through this! I don't have much advice that differs from PPs - stand your ground. If they want to get to know their grandchildren let them know that given their history, there will be terms and a process to doing so, rather than jumping in and just taking him somewhere alone. Be upfront that their actions and passive aggressive (or straight out aggressive) tactics are only going to hurt more. I would suggest having DH talk to them since they are his parents.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I have a feeling I will have similar issues with my own family. I'm sure you know this, and other PPs have said it as well, but hold your ground. You can't control how they act or the decisions they make, but you do know that you are doing what is best for you and your family. That is all that matters.

Kboyce08 · June 2014

MrMrsandBaby said:
How does your husband feel about this? Since it is his parents that are being cut out here I would think he is pretty torn up about it. Or he is ready to say they are out. Either way, make sure he is involved in the conversation. I have a very good friend who went through something similar and it took two years but they eventually decided to cut her in laws out of her daughters life.

It sucks and is a hard decision but all you can do is what is best for your family. I would decline the invitation from the friend without any explanation. It had to be uncomfortable for him to ask...

But then get with DH and his parents and explain to them (maybe for the 177485th time) that they are more than welcome to see the kids but not at their house and not without you or DH. Make it your mantra so they can't ignore it. Hopefully they will come around.

(On mobile so sorry for any typos)

This is all DHs decision at this point. I told him whatever he decided I'll backup. He is out of town at the moment but before I even text the mutual friend back I called and asked him. He's said absolutely not! So, I left it at that. This isn't the only problem we have had with his parents. Their are many reasons they aren't allowed alone with DS. This is just a main one.

I have invited his parents to tons of stuff and when he was really little I asked them to babysit a few times at our house. They always turned me down. At this point I'm not sure what else we can do besides cut them out of our lives before DS starts to realize what's going on.

MrsL2B · June 2014

That does stink (literally, in your case!) that they live so close but aren't willing to find common ground. I'd keep your boundaries with them clear and firm, because it sounds like they're very disrespectful of them.

lrobi13 · June 2014

That is terrible. Some people have their priorities all ass backwards. I have no advice but just wanted to lend you some support.

Kboyce08 · June 2014

Thank you all for your support. I was really close with both sets of grandparents growing up. I was especially close with my moms parents because I lived with them most of my life. And my DS is so close with them too. Unfortunately my grandpa isn't doing so well and I know it will be hard on DS when he's gone. I just wanted to try my hardest to make sure he still had another set of grandparents to help make the loss a little easier on him. Unfortunately I don't think that will happen and it breaks my heart. But I'm glad we are standing our ground and doing what's right.