Post Baby Relationship Questions

TJ1979

How has your relationship with your SO changed since having your LO(s)? Is it better, worse, or the same? How long was the adjustment period after having LO(s) before your relationship with SO settled in? What struggles do you still have?

Roxie5739

TJ depends on what you mean by relationship. We were generally ok except for the tired cranky fight here and there. All lack of sleep related. I do not feel as close to SO as before LO arrived, sometimes it feels like we are more room mates some days. For the "personal" relationship, that is poor at the best of times. Between BF'ing hormone changes in me and LO sucking all energy out of me, I am either too tired or not in the mood. I am hoping as we move through the weaning process the latter will get better. For the general stuff, if the MIL can keep out of my life with advice on LO then that would help immensly. I need to add that both SO and I work from home so we see a lot of each other day in, day out. Some may say that is great, but I am finding it had taken a lot of the romance and excitement out of being away and coming home to catch up about the days events. Hope all is ok with you and DH

TJ1979

Thanks @Roxie5739‌! Things are fine with us. I didn't specifically mean "personal" relationship, but that's a part of it too. I do remember with E that I wasn't really interested in sexy time till after I quit BFing.
We are doing ok, things just aren't the same. I feel distant you know? And I know it's bc we are tired and busy. And it will get better. I was just curious how everyone else felt.
Mh has been home for 2 weeks. I totally know what you mean about seeing too much of each other, haha.

Mayzie15

TJ I can relate. It's hard with MH and I we both work full-time and most discussions are who's picking or dropping DS off to daycare, who needs to grab what at the grocery store, etc. Not exactly romantic lol. I think part of it was the IVF process and MFI it's all so planned. Don't have sex, watch your cycle days, shots, ultrasounds - not so romantic again. I hope it gets better for you soon.

kmc84

I actually feel like DH and I are closer and have a more mature relationship since IF/DD. we still have the occasional argument, but we are generally quick to apologize and move on. He is an excellent father and I appreciate him much more because of it.

The personal side of things is hit or miss. It was never great, but it was non existent for most of my pregnancy and while bfing.

imoverit

With DS our relationship was rough. I had PPD/PPA and adjusting was extremely difficult for both of us. This time with DD we are adjusting so much better but we are still a little distant because our time is spent focused on the kids rather than each other. Hoping to try working on this soon.

mnj05

Our relationship was rough the first month H was here. I was struggling with BFing and coping with my delivery and my fuse was short. We argued a lot. Once I got past those issues, we went back to our normal, hardly ever argue relationship.

Recently I've felt more like roommates due to DH working a ton and not being home. Personal things have never been a huge desire on my part and of course IF really made it no depart of mine. I'm struggling to get my act together and try harder for DH. His love language is touch so I'm trying but that part is still, and probably will continue to be, hard for me.

Ruthie04

Sex has been a rough subject for us. I was on pelvic rest through pregnancy and had ZERO desire while nursing (I think we had sex about 5 times from 2012-2013). Throw in some pp complications and we have only recently started a regular sexual relationship. It still hurts and it's definitely not the same, but I do feel some desire a couple times per week.

As far as the other parts of the relationship...meh. I think we have been in survival mode for so long and we don't really seem to interact the same. I do think a lot of this has to do with me. I am so physically tired and out of patience at the end of the day and I find myself snapping at him more often. I sometimes feel as though I'm having to pick up after three little boys and it makes me nuts sometimes. We NEVER fought or even raised our voices with one another before the boys, but we now have little tiffs. We just seem to have trouble communicating and get frustrated with one another. It's not a dire marriage crisis and  I feel confident it's a phase, but it's been a little bit of a bummer. We do parent as a team, which is very reassuring. 

JBDamonM

TJ - I think the period immediately following birth is really hard on spouses because you're adjusting to your new life, demands of a baby, no sleep and in this case a toddler who also needs you both. I think what you're expressing is totally normal. My marriage post baby wasn't the same at all, and I think it took a solid 8 months or so before things started improving. I blame most of it on sleep deprivation, but I resented my husband. I admittedly struggle with the balance of being a full time working mom, and resented him for not getting that more and for letting me be the breadwinner (he works in a commission job, so this is an easy fix).....things have gotten better but mostly because I realize he's a great dad, and he's very supportive of me always having alone time etc. and I need to be happy with all that I have, instead of knit picking what I don't. As for sex - that totally shit the bed as well. It sucks because we had a great sex life even through IF - now I'm rarely into it. Too tired etc. it's gotten a little better but no where close to what it was. Hang in there my friend!!!! Adjusting your marriage to a baby is no joke.

Roxie5739

Reading all of these comments it is amazing how similar they are. This issue has been bothering me a lot lately and now I know that I am not alone with this issue. Weird squishy internet hugs to all

TJ1979

Roxie5739 said:

Reading all of these comments it is amazing how similar they are. This issue has been bothering me a lot lately and now I know that I am not alone with this issue. Weird squishy internet hugs to all

I was thinking the same thing. Hugs indeed!

Mrs.AmyDylan

Hugs to everyone. I was just reading all the responses. I would say that for us, I struggled so much with BFing that it became the round 2 of IF in a way. DH and I rallied together to make it work. Because we got through that initial hump of new parents with a common goal, it helped pave the way.

This spring we took a marriage course at our church. It wasn't super religious, but rather it focused on different areas of your marriage. It was every Friday night for eight weeks and it was framed like a date night (dinner, wine, candles, and the videos and workbook). For us, it really helped us reconnect and decide to make time for each other. We agreed to make Monday night our relax and reconnect just the two of us night. We aren't super good about doing much, but we turn the tv off and talk. 

DH is an awesome dad and does a ton with J. I do find myself resentful that he doesn't do more around the house. But he said I could get a cleaning lady, so I need to get off my behind and find one that I trust. Overall, I think we are doing pretty well. 

As for sexy time, that is nap time on the weekend. We try to do one project and knock the boots. I'm not always in the mood, but I know it is important to our relationship and even if I'm not in the mood when we start, I'm rarely disappointed with the outcome

Mnerani

DH and I have a lot of the same issues as others here. The adjustment to DS was pretty rough on our relationship for about the first year. Now that DS is 1.5, I feel like we are just starting to be ourselves again. But we've had to WORK at it, which was never true of our relationship before.

We also lead a kind of strange life, being so far away from family and our home country. It's kind of isolating and we have to depend a lot (too much?) on each other. We have friends, but never found a church family, which we realize now is so important for us. I also think we would have gotten marriage counseling if we'd been in the U.S.

We talk a lot about how we want things to be once this moving back home transition is over. And we talk a lot about how to avoid some of the same problems that we went through after DS's birth, this time around. 

As for sex- I'm trying harder lately, but I've been pregnant or BFing for almost 3.5 years straight (!) and I really struggle with feeling "into it." I know this would probably improve our relationship a lot...

CarrieB.

Oh gosh. I think it's just a new normal, right? For us, we spent 3 years TTC and then we've spent the majority of the past 4 years where I've been pg or nursing.

I think a lot of people say a date night is important, but really I think it's just important to find those times randomly, when you are doing the dishes and talking or taking the kids to the park when you do really connect and think oh wow, I do really enjoy spending time with you.

I think it's really hard to do that when you have a tiny baby though. You are just in survival mode. Having two means double the sleep interruptions.

Jenny935

I am sorry that nobody's relationship is awesome in all ways right now, but it's reassuring to hear you all say the same things we're feeling. Starting in the summer of 2012, I had stims, bleeding that led to pelvic rest up until the baby was almost here in the spring of 2013, then I had an awful delivery tear that held things up for awhile. Then we almost got ok for awhile, and then last month starting BCP for this cycle made me a horrid, horrid witch and now we're at stims again. I definitely miss that part of our relationship being a bigger part of us!

MoFree

For the most part DH and I are doing very well. We went through some very trying times in the past due to his reaction to MFI and resistance to treatment and then a nearly fatal car accident and long and painful recovery. We are together and thriving because of marital therapy.

DH is a far more involved, hands on father than I expected him to be. Still, we are nowhere near coparents and that frustrates me.

With two demanding careers, DH's travel and a child our relationship has definitely changed. Sex is far less frequent but equally enjoyable. We like to have a monthly date night where LO stays with grandparents. Even when we don't go out we have a Saturday night in home date where we spend time together without electronic distractions.

laura1

Totally different - with each child things get rough for a while then we settle into a new routine.  Since #3 is the most recent, I can remember that the most.  We had it rough for about 6 months.  Partly my fault - I was so overwhelmed dealing with the 3 kids, so tired (waking to feed the baby, and I also work 2 overnight shifts a week and don't get to sleep much the day after), so I was so grouchy and unpleasant to be around when DH came home.  I just wanted to watch TV or read a book - not interact or have big conversations.  So DH started making plans with friends to go out after work, and that annoyed me too (why don't I get to go out, why aren't you helping out more, etc).  We had a HUGE blow up fight right around when DD#2 was 6+ish months old, and really started trying to talk about things more.  I also stopped BFing at 8 months, so my hormones returned to normal, kids started sleeping a little better, and we settled into a new  normal.  The relationship is always going to be evolving, and the more time you can carve out for just the 2 of you when you aren't totally exhausted the better!