Anyone else getting negative comments about TTC after 35?

lgsdesigner

My mother told me the other day that "I am too old to have a child" and that "I am being selfish" and "you won't be able to keep up with them". 
Now-- my mother had me at 20, and popped out my other three siblings all by age 31. So...she is looking at baby making from a young mom's perspective.
But seriously? I don't FEEL "old", I don't look "old", and I take great care of my body and eat right and don't feel this is a selfish move. 

I do have two children from my previous marriage, but this would be my last child and my fiance's first biological child, so for us, we really want a baby.

It just really hurts my feelings because I wanted her to be excited for us...not judgmental. 

Do you/have you been judged for wanting to TTC at 35 and up?

C_Girlie

Sorry ur mom isn't supporting ur decision. As for me very few people know that we're TTC, but we've recieved a tremendous amount of support from them. Do what makes u & ur family happy, good luck TTC

Austrogermokee

I haven't been telling anyone, outside of DH, one close friend, and DH's parents and sister. And we wouldn't have told any of them if we thought they would be rude about it. All of them are excited and hoping for the best. I didn't tell my mom, because we don't talk (and she had me at 36, so she wouldn't have room to judge), and I haven't said anything to my sister because she isn't interested in babies.

What I run into are people speculating that I'm pregnant, which I find intrusive and awful. I cut back on booze and a lot of other things to control my weight and health, and every time I sip ginger ale at a party four different people ask if I'm pregnant. I've learned to just fix them with a blank stare, because otherwise I'd feel gutted about it.

lgsdesigner

Austrogermokee said:

What I run into are people speculating that I'm pregnant, which I find intrusive and awful. I cut back on booze and a lot of other things to control my weight and health, and every time I sip ginger ale at a party four different people ask if I'm pregnant. I've learned to just fix them with a blank stare, because otherwise I'd feel gutted about it.

Are you serious? People really have no tact sometimes. That's completely uncalled for to just walk up to someone and ask if they are pregnant. I'm sorry you are dealing with that.

kelley72

I did not nor have not had anyone be negative about ttc.  DH and I talk about our family plans with very few people, it really isn't their business and if I felt they were going to be critical or negative I certainly wouldn't share with them.  There are advantages to being an older mom and that is what I focus on.  I wish you a happy and succesful journey!

Austrogermokee

I'll admit my tactfulness has declined somewhat. I actually asked one friend, "What if I'd just had a miscarriage or was infertile or something? Or was pregnant but not ready to tell people yet?" I will never understand trying to cajole medical information out of people. If you can't take "I'm the designated driver" as a sufficient reason for me to stick to soda, then WTF is wrong with you?

lgsdesigner

Austrogermokee said:

 If you can't take "I'm the designated driver" as a sufficient reason for me to stick to soda, then WTF is wrong with you?

Haha! EXACTLY! I learned my lesson years ago about asking people if they were pregnant. I was about 19 yrs old, and some woman in the grocery store had a baby-like bump. I asked her when she was due and she gives me the most mean look and says "I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat."

Never again did I ask anyone if they were pregnant. 

">

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Austrogermokee

I think what trips people up in my case is that I have chronic migraine. Because of that, I'm frequently tired and nauseated, and I've had to cut back on alcohol, caffeine, and processed foods. So I basically live in a state of Pregnancy Lite, and even people who know about my illness add up the lifestyle changes and assume I'm pregnant. Ugh.

Davie813

Ugh, I'm sorry your mother said that to you.  Please don't take it to heart--she's wrong.

Of the people who know we're trying (my mother, my sister, two of my friends) nobody has said anything other than "good luck"--usually with a followup question about what acupuncture is like. 

Really, depending on where you live, it just isn't that unusual to be trying/pregnant at our age.  I've mentioned this before, but DD is 11 months old, and most of the parents at her daycare are in their late 30s or 40s.

lgsdesigner

I agree with you ladies on many points.

You know—back in the 70’s, women had babies at 17, 18 and 19 years old. That was considered the norm, and by age 25 you were titled an ‘old maid’.

Now? People aren’t even starting to have kids until their 30’s and 40’s, so it’s not that big of a deal. I tried to explain that to my mother and she still gave me the side eye.

Honestly…I don’t care. I am just a little hurt. We will still have a baby if capable, and no one can stop us. Selfish or not. : )

danieleandwayne

Wow-- my mom can say some insensitive things, but she has always been supportive of me-- and my brother and his wife-- starting our families later in life. 

Yes, young women have more energy. But you know what I didn't have when I was in my 20s (or even my early 30s)?? The patience. The perspective. The "let it go" more relaxed attitude about things like dirty jeans, furniture, etc. 

So I'm going to go with the "thank goodness I waited" because I'm a MUCH better parent at 39 than I would have been years ago. And I'm a much better wife, too. 

Why do people think they have any right to make judgments like that?!? Why can't they just focus on the positives?

Davie813

lgsdesigner said:

I agree with you ladies on many points.

You know—back in the 70’s, women had babies at 17, 18 and 19 years old. That was considered the norm, and by age 25 you were titled an ‘old maid’.

Now? People aren’t even starting to have kids until their 30’s and 40’s, so it’s not that big of a deal. I tried to explain that to my mother and she still gave me the side eye.

Honestly…I don’t care. I am just a little hurt. We will still have a baby if capable, and no one can stop us. Selfish or not. : )

My mom had me (her first) in 1974 at the ripe old age of 26. But really, I think women have been having babies in their late 30s/early 40s since the dawn of time--they were just 3rd, 4th, 5th (etc) children rather than 1st.  We're just not--even historically--doing anything that weird!

BeckyP005

OK I'm embarrassed to admit this but I think I've mentioned it last yr or so but my mom told me in front of my face I was also too old. She didn't say I was selfish but just getting old. My MIL was same way.

I was very upset but just told myself she is from another country and just doesn't understand. BTW they are BOTH supportive now

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

BeckyP005

JimBobCooter said:

I also don't think any grandparent will have an issue with it once they are holding a brand new grandchild.

Exactly!! Lol

lgsdesigner

JimBobCooter said:

I also don't think any grandparent will have an issue with it once they are holding a brand new grandchild.

Truth! 

mindaa

JimBobCooter said:

I also don't think any grandparent will have an issue with it once they are holding a brand new grandchild.

Yep, totally true!

OP, sorry you are dealing with that from your mom - that would hurt. 

In my mom's mind it would be more selfish of me not to give her grand-babies! 

danieleandwayne

My mom's cousin is his mom's only child. She had him at 42 years old. She is now 100 years old and just moved into assisted living maybe 3 years ago? So I think she kept up pretty darn well!

lgsdesigner

danieleandwayne said:

My mom's cousin is his mom's only child. She had him at 42 years old. She is now 100 years old and just moved into assisted living maybe 3 years ago? So I think she kept up pretty darn well!

Haha! This is awesome. Old lady or not-- she managed. 

danieleandwayne

I should also mention that my mom's cousin was a crazy good baseball player and his father (also an older parent) would walk 10 miles after work to see his son play his games in high school. 

lgsdesigner

danieleandwayne said:

I should also mention that my mom's cousin was a crazy good baseball player and his father (also an older parent) would walk 10 miles after work to see his son play his games in high school. 

Are you serious? This is too cute!! Honestly, it's all about the parent. Not the age. Good parents can be any age...it's about how you treat your kids that matters the most.

tlc35

My mom had me (her first) in 1974 at the ripe old age of 26. But really, I think women have been having babies in their late 30s/early 40s since the dawn of time--they were just 3rd, 4th, 5th (etc) children rather than 1st.  We're just not--even historically--doing anything that weird!

This.  Though my Dad is an only child born when his Mom was 40 yrs old.  My parents were 41 and almost 45 when my youngest sister was born.  She is now in her late 20s and my parents are active and in reasonably good health.  There are no guarantees in live no matter what so using those what ifs to tell someone they shouldn't TTC is idiotic.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

thirtyninetoforty

I've told only three people (one sister and two friends) and no one has said a word about my age.  I would never tell my parents unless it happens because I know they wouldn't be supportive unless it was already a reality. My dad was 40 and my mom 35 when I was born but they are way past liking kids but I truly  believe they will be so thrilled if it is mine since they pretty much never expect it.  My mom does comment on other people who have kids later in life but people are just ignorant sometimes, especially those who already have kids!! 

meredithcarole

Ha! My mom told me last year their was no rush. It's all in prospective. I am sorry you aren't getting the support you need, but everyone does things in their own time and there is nothing wrong with you wanting another child.

MelissaMiso

***child mentioned***

Since my parents had to wait a really long time to get grandkids they were thrilled when my brother and his wife had my nephew in their early 40s. I had my daughter when I was 39. They were over the moon bc they got their grandson and granddaughter. We haven't told anyone that we are TTC #2, not because of our age but bc we hit some financial setbacks we are still trying to recover from (job loss/underemployment, getting flooded with Hurricane Sandy) and I don't want the judgement about TTC while in a rough patch. I just know it is temporary and the clock is ticking.

People can be jerks. Sometimes, even though it might not be malicious, people are unaware how words can wound.

lgsdesigner

MelissaMiso said:

People can be jerks. Sometimes, even though it might not be malicious, people are unaware how words can wound.

That's very, very true. 

Squigglove

The one "friend" I had before I got pregnant - I lost once I had my baby (at 35). She decided she never wanted kids and tried to push the ideals onto me but my mind had been made up since I was about 4 years old that I would have my own family one day. Other people will always judge others for not living their lives the way they want them to. It's petty and a little pathetic!   

The reason I was 35 when first baby came along is because I kept waiting for life to be as perfect as possible but it never happened. I realized it was now or never. I'm NOT with the perfect man. I'm NOT in the perfect financial situation... but I was at a crossroads and had to choose a path. I chose to be a mom. It was my life's dream and now I'm living it. I know what people think and I don't give a cow's crap! And I'm trying desperately for a second. My family will not be complete until I have two children. Now it seems like I'm having trouble conceiving, which is stressing me out!

I'm sorry that your mom is being so critical. Many people decide to have second families (and by "second family" I simply mean more children after their other children have grown some). There are couples out there who have more children once their first set hits their teens. There's nothing wrong with it. It's a personal preference and it's your own life to do with what you see fit.