Wanted a natural birth and wound up with a csection :(

DoodleDara

My husband and I took the Bradley Method birthing classes when I was pregnant and were completely prepared and set on a natural birth, no meds, nothing. But when the day actually came my baby was positioned posteriorly and gave me the most agonizing labor I could have ever imagined. I never had the contractions that built up, but started off at 2-3 mins apart with 8-9/10 pain, that never really let up even between contractions. After about 12 hours of going from 1-3 cm dilated and continued pain I opted for stadol, next hours later I asked for them to break my water, and then hours after that I begged for an epidural, baby went into distress, and resulted in a csection. I can't help but feel like I completely failed and that I let my husband down who was an amazing coach. Obviously I'm happy to have a happy, healthy baby but I had so many expectations for this birth and it ended up being the complete opposite of what I had hoped for. I honestly get teary about it on a regular basis and almost lose it when people comment about it not being what I wanted it to be, also doesn't help to have all the crazy post partum hormones. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

sopranoali

My experience was similar. I noted on my hospital record that I wanted a midwife - attended birth. I hired a doula. I took classes and practiced my breath.

The week my baby was born, I went to my regular appointment with my midwife on Monday. She said my urine was weird and for me to do a 24 hour catch (annoying!). My results came in Thursday. Normal protein levels in urine are 50-100 mg/L. Someone with severe pre-eclampsia has levels 800 mg/L or over. My level was 5,406 mg/L. They told me to come in first thing Friday to L&D to get a NST (where they monitor baby and mom's BP).

I was still in total denial, strolled in around 2 pm and got hooked up - thinking they'd run a test for an hour then let me go home. Well, my BP kept getting higher and higher and higher. Then came the blood tests. My "squat in a field of daisies and have your baby" midwife was luckily on call and there with me the whole time. She KNEW I didn't want a c section, but my test results were clear. My liver and kidneys were taking permanent damage. My blood pressure was through the roof. My c section was going to be at 10 pm. Then 8 pm. Then 7 pm because my body was shutting down.

My husband was being brought into the room and they had already cut me open - they couldn't wait for him to get on the non-sterile side of the curtain - my BP was 208/121. My baby girl was born - came out screaming - so I knew it would all be ok.

My midwife came to see me the next day and gave me the wise advice that it was okay to mourn the birth that I lost. That I had done all the prep and taken such good care of myself during my pregnancy - but in the end my body just couldn't take it. And that was big for me - to feel like my body betrayed me. That it didn't follow through with something it should be able to do.

After a couple weeks, it did get better. I had a lot of help (my mom). The more sleep - deprived I was, the more depressed I was. Get sleep whenever you can.

My baby is now 3 months old. She is getting close to sleeping through the night. I still reflect back on things and wish they could have gone another way. But - I am also extremely thankful that my midwife detected the issue and that a great OB did my c section. Feel free to PM me anytime.

SandFHasse

I wanted another vaginal delivery this time and went in to be induced. As soon as contractions started I was in so much pain, but wanted to wait for any pain meds. My DH said I should just get them because I couldn't move. I was given Stadol and then an epidural. By 11am I was at 9cm but LO was having too many decels so I had to start pushing. It wasn't working so my Dr tried the vacuum. I was rushed in for an emergency c section and put under general anesthesia.

I feel guilty that I had a c section. I feel guilty that I never got those brand new baby pictures and that I didn't get to hold him right away. I have panic attacks when I think about it sometimes and I cry. I had to go to the dentist a few weeks ago and the light looked like the light in the OR. I freaked out shaking and crying. I understand that it was what was best and I am so glad my ob made the call that he did. I am glad that my son and I our happy and healthy.

If you want to talk you can pm me.

Justabean3

Firmly believe they save people

You are a good mom no matter how a baby comes out. In your car, in a field, in the hospital without or with drugs in the OR... It doesn't change you as a mother and neither does breast feeding.

Motherhood is about survival and making the right choices for our children in or out of our bellies.

Justabean3

I added Bf bc so many moms that live or die by their birth also do by their ability to BF. In the end it doesn't mean anything bc everyone survives.

nolagal79

I agree with @Justabean3‌

I had a C and don't feel the least bit guilty. It was a decision made between my doctors, me, and my husband. It was the best decision to get my daughter here alive and healthy and for me to survive the birthing process.

Having a set in stone plan doesn't work for birth , feeding, and plainly raising a child. Be flexible and roll with the punches and everyone will survive.

That bring said I do understand that it's difficult when reality doesn't meet our expectations of what will be.

Hope you are able to find peace about your delivery when you look at your happy and healthy baby.

JSS1002

Also remember that your adorable baby will never give two thoughts to how s/he was born... Whether it was natural or drugged to nines... You created and preserved a life - and your own!!

StarBurry

My LO was found to be breech at 34wks. We were going to try to flip him but he measured too large (10lbs at birth) I had this wonderful plan to have a natural birth and exclusively breast feed. At 35 weeks they told me there was no way he was going to flip and we needed to schedule a c section. I cried my eyes out and there was nothing that pissed me off more than people saying "well as long as he is healthy" like i didnt understand that. I felt like no one but my husband understood my frustration and pain. 

My section left me very sore, more sore than most people i know who have had a section. My husband ended up taking care of my son for the first 2 days while in the hospital leaving me to fall into depression. 2 weeks later i had an emergency gallbladder surgery leaving me yet again unable to take care of my son, my first born. During all that his weight was dropping and breast feeding went to exclusively pumping to supplementing to now formula due to issues with my gallbladder. Not to mention LO is in a pavlik harness due to hip dyspepsia due to him being breech. 

To say im fighting off PP depression might be an understatement. I just keep reminding myself that i did everything i could and its not my fault. Having a very supportive husband is very helpful as well. Almost every day my husband comes home from work and i just let loose, cry and express my feelings to him. We also go and stay with his family every now and then so they can take care of LO and i can regain my sainity over the weekend. A great support team is a major help. Iv never been one to express my feelings in such a way until i realised that PP depression was setting in and its been a life saver. 

Soon2BMrsN

What you're feeling is totally normal. I took me almost a year after DS1 was born to come to terms with my unplanned c/s.

justifyyourlove

As with the previous posts, it does get better and it is natural to feel this way for a little while.  I also had a posterior baby so it was very unexpected after over 2 hours of pushing, the doctor advised a c-section even after trying again...no progress, too much blood, and a tear.  I took all the classes and was nervous about the labor pains.  In the end, I had the surgery and also felt like a failure.  My husband and mom assured me it was for the best for the baby.  She's beautiful and healthy and it took about the time of the recovery period to accept it.  Ironically, I cannot see myself doing a "normal" delivery now that the c-section ended up working for me and hopefully controlled labor pains next time too!

DoodleDara

Thank you all for your support and writing back, sorry I wasn't as punctual in getting back to respond but I haven't been online much because of my new mommy duties. It was more of a disappointment to have the csection because of how much prep work I put into making sure we were both (my daughter and I) prepared and as healthy as possible to be able to have a natural birth, ie: Bradley classes, 200 kegels a day, healthy diet, and lots of walking, positional exercises to help change her position. But in the end it wasn't meant to be this time around. I know I have to be happy I have a happy, healthy baby but like @starburry I too have a hard time hearing this advice. I try to run with it and keep in mind some people do not give birth to healthy little ones and some actually deal with the loss of their babies due to complications, so in that way I definitely count myself lucky. To all you ladies with similar stories, thank you for sharing and letting me know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do about my experience. It's comforting to hear other peoples stories and to know it's ok to mourn the labor experience I had hoped for. Good luck to you all on your post partum recovery!

alexpierce88

It is so hard! My LO is almost 6 months old and I still struggle on just about a daily basis. I am not sure why it upsets me so bad.. I went in to be induced. All was good, labor progressed fine. Finally 14 hours later I was at a 10 and started pushing. Pushed for 2 hours, had an episiotomy, tried forceps... Nothing. He was not budging. Doctor said my pelvis was just too small (which she had warned me about previously). After 2 hours and him not coming down anymore we went in for c section. I think the hardest part is worrying that after 2/3 there aren't many doctors who would want you to have any more children. And I only want 2 so why am I concerned?? haha! It is tough. But like you said, I am happy for a perfectly healthy and happy baby boy! good luck!!!!!

hbrockman01

I had to have a csection because my fever spiked after 24hrs of labor and 4hrs of pushing. My DD was stuck with her head turned sideways. I like you was very upset, I felt like my body had failed me. I still get upset about it sometimes over a year later, especially knowing that I will never experience a birth without a surgical procedure. It gets easier to deal with over time, but regardless you did what you had to do.

byrne15

I'll try to make a long story short....

With my 1st I went into labor overnight.  I stayed home for about 8 hours and showed up to the hospital at 5cm.  Labored pretty easily and got to 10cm.  My baby was also posterior.  I pushed for 1.5 hours and baby wasn't doing well with every push.  I ended up having an episiotomy and they attempted to get him out with forceps, which was unsuccessful.  I needed an emergency C-section under general anesthesia.  DH couldn't be there and really...I wasn't "there" either.  It took me a LONG time to get over it.  And to be honest, I'm not sure I'm 100% over it, but I'm pretty close.

I wanted a VBAC for some sort of redemption when I was pg with ds#2.  I ended up never going into labor and had a repeat C-section.  My 2nd C-section was much better than my 1st however.

I'm sorry that happened to you and you are feeling sad about it.  I completely understand.

LaNorte

I have had a lot of these same feelings. I really wanted a vaginal birth too. I was 2 weeks over due, so my doctor said it was time to induce and I agreed. We had already talked about inducing earlier due to possible heart defect and DS being so large - he was born 11 lbs 6 oz! - but I wanted to avoid induction if possible. But I wanted to avoid a csection more than I wanted to avoid induction, so at 42 weeks I agreed to go in. I was in the hospital for four whole days trying to get induced. I got it all - Cytotec, Cervadil, pitocin, manually breaking my water. And after 4 days, I was only 2 cm dialated and DS was starting to show signs of distress. Once I agreed to the csection, I cried for the next 6 hours until it happened, then through the entire procedure, then for days after he was born, then for weeks, and now 2 months later I'm finally coming around. I agree with the things other commenters have said - I felt like my body betrayed me, I feel like I was robbed of the birth I had desperately wanted, and I mourned not only for the loss of this birth experience but for future births as well because my doctor said I would be a poor candidate for a VBAC due to the way my cervix sits and uterus is positioned. I felt horrible guilt that my husband had to do everything for the baby, and for me, for days. I could feel the judgement seeping from my MIL every time she would visit, or maybe I just projected it onto her because I was so angry at myself and dissapointed that I couldn't do the simplest things like walk around holding my son. It made things worse that I struggled with breastfeeding at first, because then I REALLY felt like my body was betraying me. But then that ended up helping, because then I could focus on something new instead of the csection- increasing my supply (which did get better with a lot of work!). It still bothers me at times, but usually only when other people comment about it - which is surprisingly often, and I don't get why people think that's okay. But..... Yes, it got better, and you are definitely not alone in your feelings.

nickicl

I had a c section due to failure to progress and personally, I'm glad I did.  Although, I did have some ups and downs on this for while.  

I wonder why it is so common for mother's to feel bad about c sections and why.  I have a feeling that cultural trends and expectations play some role.  

When medical and surgical interventions are used for other personal health needs, I don't hear a lot of people feeling bad about it the way they do about c-sections.  

Is there a board out there with people who are sad that they required any other medical interventions such as the placement of a mechanical heart valve, removal of a tumor, removal of appendix, mastectomy, placement of tubes in the ear (for those prone to infection), etc.?  

Most of the people I, personally, know who have had a successful medical interventions are glad that there were options available to resolve the problems they were dealing with.  On the other hand, I am very frequently subject to rude comments about c sections.  

candyfisherman

I completely understand how you feel! and it's hard to deal with the emotions of feeling disappointed while everyone says 'well at least your both healthy' (grrr;)
I wanted natural births..or even a vaginal birth for both of my first 2 babies but wound up with c-sections both times after labouring for 28hrs & 26hrs. I wound up depressed after my second and had a really hard time connecting with baby:( am now 19 weeks along and have been seeing a psychologist about my previous and upcoming births which has been enormously helpful for me!

as some of the other ladies have said..you did what was necessary for ur babe and that is the start of an amazing mom taking care of her baby! even though it's not at all what u wanted, you put ur baby's needs above your own and you should feel proud of that!! big hugs for you!

HeavenBlessedMom

lD focus on the fact that your baby is healthy. I had always wanted c-sections And dueTo1 breech baby and 1 Triplet pregnancy, was able to get those. Some people are disappointed to have a vaginal. I would have been. ..but if I had had one, I would have at least been happy the baby was okay

harmonicbabe26

You know I saw this thread a while ago and never responded because I hate pointless convos and whiney people who always have to complain about how things aren't exactly to a T how they want them... BUT !

Yesterday I spoke to a friend who told me that our mutual friend recently lost her son in childbirth because the baby was breech and she insisted she didn't want a c/s and pushed for a vaginal. This was not her first baby btw. Now she has to live with consequences of her stupid pig-headedness and closed-mindedness for the rest of her life.

I can't even imagine the anguish and despair she must feel now. I don't think there is anything worse in the world than losing a child and I can't even comprehend that you would ever waste time over 'oh I wanted a natural but had something else' when your beautiful an healthy child is right there beside you, a clear reward for any brief discomfort!!!

People should get their priorities straight and stop allowing themselves be brainwashed. We are so blessed that good health care is available in this day and age and unnecessary deaths are so rare.

cashews29

I just found out at my 37w appointment that my baby is breech. I'm currently scheduled for a C-section on 21 August.

I didn't realize how much I wanted a 'traditional' birth experience until now. I'm sad and disappointed that I won't be able to relate to those moms who talk about when/where they went into labor and the entire experience. I didn't think that mattered to me until I was told I couldn't have it.

I understand being let down that you didn't want the experience you imagined. I don't think it makes me a bad person or mother that I feel that way. If this is what my difficult baby wants, she'll get it.

So, way to be a jerk, @harmonicbabe26.

cashews29

Thanks, @jennish11. I'm hoping she'll flip around. I've checked out the spinning babies website. I really need to actually remember to do the exercises though. On one hand, it is kind of nice to know exactly when I'll meet her!