How do you make decisions?

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LucilleAustero

That would have to depend on what we are talking about. If the decision we are making would have long-lasting consequences or is of a financial matter, making a move in either direction would be shelved until we came to an agreement.

If it is a more trivial matter, we would sit down and have a discussion and present our cases.

 

aforst

It depends on what the issue is. I can agree with your dad's advice if we're talking about having children or something like that. I agree that it doesn't apply to every situation though.

We don't have one set way of handling things. I don't feel bad about making my H give in though.

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missymo

We just continue to debate.  If I feel strongly about something, there is a reason, and I will have a plethora of justifications to back up my position.  From my side, I just keep making my points, and countering any and all arguments against them.  If he has a good counter point, it could conceivably change my mind.  

I can't imagine ever giving in, if I didn't agree.  We try to keep rancor out of discussions, so I would just methodically keep challenging his viewpoint, until he saw things my way.  

BluepointToasted

Well, we usually can come to a comprimise, but most issues are more important to one of us than the other.  So, whoever is more passionate about it gets the final say?  Or, whoever is more knowledgable in that area gets the final say.  Like, he usually defers to me when we are unsure about a parenting decision, I defer to him on financial issues.

secretsout

We don't have one way we solve things.  And honestly, we don't really have many situations where we are at such opposite ends that it really matters. 

I think that your dad's advice makes sense for big impact things, like having a baby or major financial things like buying a house or a car or something, but for smaller things, I think it is important to pick your battles. 

I am pretty easy going in general, so I usually don't put a big fight.  Plus, the more I let him have his way, the more he lets me have mine, so it all works out in the end.  

FalconCrest

rock, paper, scissors.

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RondackHiker

ChickenOnSunday said:

You can choose to be right or you can choose to be happy.

I think this makes the assumption that you're always fighting/disagreeing to be stubborn. If that's always the case, this quote could help. If not, they need to work on a new system.

DH and I just don't disagree that often. I'm seriously trying to think back to something we did not agree on that we had to discuss over and over. We've discussed things a lot, but I can't think of things that we were opposed on. Can you give us an idea of things you're not agreeing on?

Some things I've told DH early on in the discussion he will get final choice. Like last year when he was applying to residency. I told him if there was an area I really didn't want to live in (there were a few I'd rather not be in) and told him if there hospitals I didn't like as much (places he just wasn't as happy while working at), but in the end it's his career, and it's three years, so I told him to look at the programs and pick the one that would be the best place to learn and the one he'd like the most. He applied to a few good teaching programs in areas he wasn't as interested in because I loved the area (like Chicago) and when he ranked programs he dropped a few in ranking because he knew I didn't like that area as much.

Some things he conceeds more to me. Kid/cooking/household stuff I get more choice because I'll be doing it much more than him, so if I don't like the laundry machine/discipline method/menu it would suck more for me. When he was working less hours those were more fifty fifty, but when he's working a lot he says he wouldn't fight to get 'his way' when I'm the one doing it day to day.

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PeanutRN said:

Thanks to everyone for the helpful responses. Honestly it isn't just one thing I'm referring to...we are just in a point in our lives where very important decisions are being made. Where to live, starting a family, he just graduated from law school and is studying for the bar and starting a job in September...just a big time with a lot of changes, and also vacation planning. If either of us doesn't care that much about a decision than the one who does care usually gets their way, but there are some really non-black and white issues lately. I'm surprised that so many people here "rarely disagree" with their spouses. We disagree quite often, but are respectful to each other about the way we disagree.

Honestly, this was a huge issue in my marriage.  

If you are struggling with this, I would recommend couples counseling.  Even though it didn't work out because of other reasons (like him just deciding he no longer wanted kids), the sessions we went to really helped us work on our communication with each other.  And we learned about how to compromise without feeling like you are giving in to the other person.

nikiz628

Fortunately, DH and I rarely disagree. Sometimes its freaky how in sync we are, but I am not complaining. If the situation arises, on a big decision, that we cannot come to an agreement, we talk it out rationally, and usually come to a compromise where everyone is happy. If its something less important (color to paint a room, restaurant to eat at, lol), he usually just lets me have my way because he doesn't care enough to cause an issue. But I am always respectful and ask his opinion anyway

PinkDahLia44

I'm in the "rarely disagree" camp. But we have had some of the same issues come up. Before we got married, DH wanted to make a big move, so he and I agreed on a couple of places to live and he applied for jobs only in those places. He wanted Cali most, I wanted Colorado most, but we ended up in Texas, which we both like. Sometimes situations make the decision for you.

When it comes to "when to start a family," I don't think that should be a "my way" or "your way" decision; you both have to want it.

Other big decisions, well, depends on the decision. Like, if my kid wants a tattoo when he's 16, that's a permanent decision, so the more conservative parent would win the day. But when my husband wanted to change jobs and the new job required more traveling and more flying in test planes (which makes me nervous) and all else was equal (pay, living situation), well, DH won that one because it is his job and his dream.

RayRay007

We talk about it and try to come to a compromise. I don't think one side has to "give in". And if you are always giving in because you'd feel guilty for making him give in, you are setting yourself up to be resentful for the rest of your marriage. 

ETA: I guess I don't always try to compromise right off the bat. If it's something I feel strongly about I try to give DH all of my pros/cons and try to convince him that we should go with my decision, but if it's something important/big/expensive and we can't agree, we just don't do it until we can come up with something different/a compromise.