Those who have gone through a divorce...

ReeceFamily

...will you tell me about your experience?  What led up to your decision?  Do you regret it?  How was your life afterward?  Did you have children at the time?  Things are not going well in my marriage these days and I'm thinking through all of my options.  I would never act in haste on this, but I'm trying to prepare myself emotionally for the fact that this situation just may not be getting any better.

bjlucas1

I am not divorced but am a 'child' of divorced parents. I can say that my parents had horrible fights that I can still remember vividly from when I young. It was a relief when they actually stopped living together. I'm fortunate that both of my parents continued to equally be involved in my life. I don't know the details of your situation but just wanted to share that sometimes a divorce can be a great thing for reinstating peace at home I wish you luck with whatever lies ahead. 

spainy17

Ugh, I'm so sorry. I was almost there about a year ago. My husband didn't cope well with our troubles with DD and we were just in two different worlds. I stayed at the time out of sheer exhaustion with it all and I'm glad I did but it easily could have gone the other way. Just know that you are definitely not alone in the bumps of marriage and either way your LO will benefit best from happy parents.

jjdillie

I married young (21) and we divorced 2 years later. We did not have children together, thank god! Honestly, we never should have gotten married. We were completely different people and raised differently. He was a heavy drinker and all the men in his family drank heavily. My family did not drink at all so it was something I wasn't use to and in the end could not deal with. He actually asked for a divorce and I fought it for a while. Then one morning he left home to go help his mom with something. Later that afternoon I called asking when he was coming home and I could tell he was drunk. It just hit me that he would never change, he would always drink like this and I knew I couldn't continue to live like that. My parents came up the following weekend and moved me back home (he was out of town working). Shortly after, I got a new job and moved to a new place...a new start. He has contacted me a few times over the years (through facebook) but I've always ignored it. Now I'm 30 and a single mom. My son's father and I did not work out but we were never married. He left while I was pregnant. It's been messy and emotional. We still do not get along but I think it's getting better. His dad is very selfish and refuses to listen to anything I have to say. Being a single mom is tough. My family is 3 hours away but my parents are retired so mom comes down anytime I need her (DS gets sick a lot and stays out of DC). I have thought about moving closer to family but there's no professional opportunity there. I have a good job and make decent money in my area so at least I'm not stressed financially.  And DS's dad does pay child support (only after it was court ordered, but at least he pays).

I'm sorry you are going through this. Hugs and prayers!

DCKate

No advice but sending a hug and good thoughts!

gagirl2004

I also have no advice but want to send you hugs. I have been with my DH 15 years in August married 10 in August. I will tell you there have been a few times I have thought what am I fighting for. We were raised completely different everything in his family was always a secret where as my family is a open book. We definitely have our differences but in the end we really love each other and I cant imagine mine and Jaceys life without him. Sure I do most of the day to day parenting but when I see how much they love each other it makes it all worth it. It also makes me remember the very close relationship I had with my daddy until he passed away 7 years ago. I cant imagine how Jacey would feel not giving her daddy a hug and kiss when he gets home from work. I dont know your situation but I would recommend maybe some counseling before you make a life long decision for yourself and DD. Best wishes and please keep me posted.

dreemkin84

No advice here either but just wanted to say I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. That must be a tough thing to go through but you have to do what's best for everyone involved. Maybe you can try counseling if you haven't already?

AshleyDehaven

No real advice, but i wanted to let you know we're here for you and give major ((hugs)). Over the last year i have definitely weighed my options from time to time. It's so hard to know sometimes what is right and what is wrong when hearts and children are on the line. When things get difficult i try and remind myself why we got married in the first place, and of all the trial we have endured over the last couple years, and that tends to snap me back into focus, and make me more compassionate towards his occasional lack of effort. That being said, every situation is different, and i don't know yours so i can't begin to know what's right for you. I just hope that whatever it is, that the situation resolves peacefully, and healthily for all of you. If it were me, depending on the circumstances, i would probably try couples counseling first fwiw. Good lucks ((((hugs))))

ReeceFamily

Thanks everyone.  DH is a wonderful human being but I have come to the conclusion that he is in many ways a horrible husband.  I believe that he has ADHD with a nice (and apparently very common) helping of anxiety and depression.  I spend my life caretaking everyone and everything and have very few of my own needs met.  Everything seems to center around DH and his anxieties/angry outbursts/neuroses.  He has trouble listening to anything I might have to say and often shuts me down with "I just can't listen to you right now"...and then goes on to give me an excruciating blow by blow of his drama at work for an hour.  He is working and in school...but spends most of his time procrastinating and getting depressed, so little actual school work gets done.  He has missed a ton of work because of depression, so he can't take any time off for vacations or to care for DD if she gets sick.  He is pretty antisocial. I used to get out quite a bit, throw parties, etc., but we are pretty isolated.  I want to travel, and he wants to in theory but gets weird about it when I try to plan something.  I've come to the conclusion that I need to just get out by myself.  He balks at watching DD much, so that means it's me and DD on our own.  Which is fine, but then where is our family life?  Where are friends/fun/travel?  If I stay with DH I feel like my life will consist of work and caretaking my family in a community that I'm not that wild about. Period.

The obvious solution is counseling for everyone and lots of it.  So far I'M in counseling.  I finally, after several years, got him to make an appt with a psychiatrist, and once his meds are figured out he needs long-term cognitive behavioral AND emotion counseling (his upbringing was pretty brutal).  I am empathetic. But I feel trapped.  I'm often passive-agressive quiet around him  because I'm so angry and frustrated, and he doesn't want to talk about this stuff, he can't handle it.  So I'm giving it a year,  but assuming that divorce is one possible solution. I really hope things get better, because I love him.  But he's just not a good partner for me.

ReeceFamily

@b0710 - thank you for sharing your story.  Wow - you have had quite a crazy past few years.  Sounds like you handled it pretty damned well. It's tough because I  feel like many of our issues are the result of something he can't help/mental health problems, so there is a lot of guilt involved for me. On the other hand, I have a life to live and I want to be happy and fulfilled. And I want DD to grow up seeing healthy relationships. I think you are right that sometimes separation is the best thing for everyone involved.  I hope it doesn't come to that, but at this point I just can't say.  

ReeceFamily

@ClaryPax - I do absolutely trust DH with basic care of DD.  He is, in fact, incredibly sweet and loving with her, she adores him.  However, the last time (and first and only!) time he took care of her overnight (I had to go away on business) he dropped her off at daycare and then had to call in sick because he was so overwhelmed meeting her needs.  I have actually taken family members aside and said that if I die in an accident or something, I believe that he would be a loving father and want the best for her, but someone would need to step in and help so that he didn't become overwhelmed.

Your advice is well-taken. I have already taken steps to get out on my own and reconnect with friends.  Thank GOD I have a group of four or five girlfriends with kids of DDs age, we started making regular plans to get together.  I'm having everyone over for a moms and babies brunch this weekend, in fact.

jobiann

I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree with PP that once you give it your all (trying to work it out, counseling, etc) if it still isn't working, get out. It will be a better situation for your daughter for YOU, her main provider, to be happy and healthy and to not see her parents fight or to grow up in a household with no love. Hugs to you. I cannot imagine how difficult it is. We are "here" for you!!

Wild_flower25

My divorce happened when my DS was the age of my DD right now (16 mos).  We were separated shortly after his first birthday.  He kind of made the decision for me, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me because I met dh and realzied I could be happy and in a relationship that wasn't SO much work.  Yes, they take work, but I was never happy or treated right so it just wasn't going to get better unless I had a partner that was invested as I was, and he wasn't. Divorce affects kids, not matter how you do it, so just make sure you try every thing first before going that route.  Go to marriage counseling, if he won't go, go by yourself. 

 

My worst days are holidays my son is by his dad's, split custody sucks and always will.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

ambmama

@ReeceFamily‌ I'm sorry you are going through this - hugs! My DH and I are in a serious rough patch and I'm starting to think that divorce might be the best option for DS. We've had rough patches before, but this is definitely the worst since DS and I don't want him to be affected by fighting. So I don't have any advice, but just empathy as I know how hard it is to be in a relationship that's not perfect.