husband is not happy about pregnancy.

rspurlock813

I found out yesterday that we are expecting. The past 48 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. This pregnancy was not planned by any means. I didn't take my BC right, and now we have a pregnancy. We wanted to be able to choose to try for a baby, and feel emotionally ready. I feel blessed that I didn't have any trouble trying to conceive, but knowin that my husband is not happy, is heart breaking. I already know that I messed up and feel partially to blame for this. But has anyone else experienced this feeling so far? My husband doesn't want to be around me. He doesn't want to talk to me. And he has told me I have lost his trust. This isn't how I hoped and dreamed finding out I'm pregnant would go. They say no ones ever ready for a baby, but I didn't know it would be this emotionally taxing. Please tell me I'm not the only one with a distant partner.

Ktbug613

ummm is your husband under the impression he didn't participate in the making of this baby? Im sorry hes making you feel that way. Congrats on your pregnancy and hopefully he will come around in time

BookitBoo

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I would assume he's in shock and that's why he's being such an inconsiderate jerk. Maybe give him space so that he can get his act together.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Pips09

I'm not sure why in the world he thinks this is all on you. It takes two to make a baby. Regardless, you are both here now, and he needs to deal with this like an adult. If he doesn't come around soon, I'd really consider talking to a counselor. I'm sorry you are going through this.

mpiemont

I'm so sorry. I agree with what everyone said. Surprising baby news can bring out the worst in a guy. It takes time to adjust to such a life changing thing. I hope he realizes that the baby is a blessing.

newguardwife

Our first was not planned and it was me not my DH who had a meltdown. Eventually with his support I got used to the idea and was happy about the pregnancy. It takes some time to let the shock wear off before the happy can be seen.

NatureLovers

He is equally responsible. If he was 100% against kids he should have used the condom in addition to the pill. What makes you say you took your BC incorrectly? If it's because you got pregnant, even if taken correctly BC can fail. I would definitely see a counselor over this. He needs to appreciate how much his attitude is hurting you.

rspurlock813

There were 2 days out of the month that I forgot. But 2 days after, I took 2 pills each 2 days. It must have been when I was ovulating. I did end up taking every pill in the pack.

I am telling myself this is what God wants. I do plan on talking to my preacher if DH continues to act this way. Although, I know he will not want to agree to talk with our preacher.

All I can do is pray for a change of heart right now. Thank you all for your concerns and advice. I appreciate it.

WillCMyInk

Please don't let your husband make you feel responsible for this. It's definitely a big change for both of you so some emotional fall out is to be expected, especially at first. I just hope he comes around. 

Congratulations though! Planned or not, I'm sure you will make the best of the situation and find happiness in the end

Zoebot

emmyg65 said: It's incredibly unfair of him to blame you for this, but we aren't always our best selves when faced with unexpected news. Give him some space and time to process this, but if he doesn't come around soon, then yeah, you should probably take this to a counselor. Loss of trust and inability to communicate can be very damaging to a relationship.
Hang in there, and congratulations!

rspurlock813 said:

There were 2 days out of the month that I forgot. But 2 days after, I took 2 pills each 2 days. It must have been when I was ovulating. I did end up taking every pill in the pack. I am telling myself this is what God wants. I do plan on talking to my preacher if DH continues to act this way. Although, I know he will not want to agree to talk with our preacher. All I can do is pray for a change of heart right now. Thank you all for your concerns and advice. I appreciate it.

Agreed - it would be one thing if you had secretly planned to get pregnant (i.e. - stopped taking your BC, poked holes in your diaphragm - do women even use those still? - etc.)  That would be a breach of trust, but that's not what you did.  It was an honest "oops!"

I can't use the word accident, because I'm with you - it's more than just a sperm and an egg, life is so much bigger than that.

I can understand his not wanting to meet with your preacher if it's someone you see on a regular basis... though it is free, which certainly never hurts as long as it is a trusted source of counseling.  But maybe he'd be willing to see a professional counselor?  If finances are a concern, many employers have an Employee Assistance Program that would cover the first 12 sessions or so (that's what my husband had, and I used it when I had PPD with Milo.)

When DH and I were trying to figure out whether or not we were ready to start trying, everyone that had kids said, "you'll never be 100% ready, and that's okay."  Yes, there are things we can do to better prepare, but even those who work with kids 24/7 don't know what they're getting into until they're in it.

Praying for you and your husband that he'll have a change of heart, or at least be open to counseling, and that he will ultimately see what an amazing adventure you have before you.

edited: forgot where I was going with my first point, oops!

longcat07

the rule when i was on BC was that not getting KU was BOTH of our responsibility.  yeah, i had to take the pill, but he had to remember that i had to take it as well and remind me.  birth control is never just one person's responsibility, especially not in an equal partnership such as a marriage.  it's seriously unfair of your husband to blame you like this.

that said, it's a huge adjustment even when planned.  for us, this baby is very much planned and wanted, and i'm still having some level of an internal freakout.  he probably needs some time to adjust.  be open about how he's making you feel, and if he hasn't come around (or at least dropped the blame) in a few days, it might be time to seek counseling.

jmcmoe

Ktbug613 said:

ummm is your husband under the impression he didn't participate in the making of this baby? Im sorry hes making you feel that way. Congrats on your pregnancy and hopefully he will come around in time

Um this! Pretty sure if he was concerned that it could happen there are other methods of protection! BC is NOT 100% even when taken correctly!
Congratulations on the baby!

Beckyboo71

When I got pregnant w/ DD, I was so scared to tell my ex-husband because he was so concerned about being financially set (whatever that means) before it happened. I got off the pill and told him that it would probably take a while since I was on it for 10+ years (I was 35, and just wanted to give us time for it to happen). By some miracle, I got pregnant right away. I took the hpt w/ my BFF on the phone...and was so nervous to tell him. He was "ok" with it, but that was not the way I wanted my first pregnancy to go. He ultimately was not a hands-on dad (and still isn't) and a main reason I left was because he said he didn't want more kids "because we couldn't afford it" (in his eyes). My DH cried when I found out last summer that I was pregnant (and unfortunately when we lost it too), and also with this pregnancy. Believe me, having support from your DH during this time is so important.....I really hope he comes around! Good luck & remember you and your baby's health is most important right now. Take care!

LovelyLips

Back in 2007 my ex and I decided to try for a baby after being together for over 4yrs. I was 27 and him 13yrs older but I felt like it was time for me. Partner I think was happy to have no kids but it's what I really wanted so he agreed as we loved each other. Or so I thought.
I fell preg straight away and he somehow changed. He felt like I was trying too hard?! Like how do you do that! It either happens or it doesn't!

When I got the BFP I woke him up to tell him and he just rolled over and went back to sleep. I was gutted and felt so alone. We had discussed about kids and he had said yes.
Over the 9 months I felt he wasn't connected. When baby kicked he didn't want to feel it etc. He didn't understand when I suffered bad HG or help with chores. All he cared about was the two cats we had. He still acted like a single man and had a major personally transplant it seemed.

When baby was born I knew he never really bonded with him at first and ppl started to notice. I was sad and embarrassed and knew I made the wrong choice to breed with him. The man I loved was not the same and I started to hate him for his treatment of us. I thought of it as my son was meant to be born and only my ex could make him who he was so all was not wasted.

In a nut shell a year later, I walked out on him with nothing but the clothes on our backs as I couldn't take it anymore. He was sorry then but it was too late and the damage was done. He wouldn't talk about his issues with me or anyone else and I just become cold and put a my love and effort into looking after my son.

I was lucky that I found a new man and we've been together 4 yrs now and I know he'll be a good father as he is so much better at it than my sons real father is.
You can never really tell how they will be until the moment you get your BFP and once baby is born.

Sorry for the essay btw!

I'm hoping that you both can sort this and he comes round and stops being a dick. You have time and I wish you all the best. It wasn't your fault and he must take 50% of the responsibility. Takes 2 to tango!
Much love to you and congrats. A baby is truly worth all the stress it can bring and will be a blessing to you both whether he realises or not

Megs528812

Well congratulations. Babies are always a good thing. They're babies. I'm sorry it wasn't the right time,but Next time tell him if he doesn't want a baby he shouldn't place his penis in your vagina.

VolMomma

There's so many of us that would love to be in your shoes, we had to work at getting pregnant. This is a blessing and I'd trade with you in a minute.

You can do this WITH or WITHOUT him. His choice. Either way it's gonna hit his wallet but you got the blessing.

MNgirl326

VolMomma said:

There's so many of us that would love to be in your shoes, we had to work at getting pregnant. This is a blessing and I'd trade with you in a minute. You can do this WITH or WITHOUT him. His choice. Either way it's gonna hit his wallet but you got the blessing.

I really hate when people put their own problems on to others.  Get pg by accident and having a husband not be supportive isn't a blessing. Yes, someday hopefully the baby will be, but at this moment it's not.  I wouldn't wish to trade places if I were you.  It's a tough road that she and husband will have to work through and hopefully they will.  

Also the wallet comment was pretty rude.  i'm sure at this point, it isn't something she is thinking about,  i'm sure at this point she would just like her husband to talk to her and work it out.

 

VolMomma

I would trade places in a minute. I wish I could have an oops. For some of us the "oh god I'm pregnant what will I do" is hurtful.
If he comes around great I hope he does, if he don't, his loss.

Blame it on hormones, not being rude.

MNgirl326

VolMomma said:

I would trade places in a minute. I wish I could have an oops. For some of us the "oh god I'm pregnant what will I do" is hurtful. If he comes around great I hope he dies, if he don't, his loss. Blame it on hormones, not being rude.

Look, I get it.  I get that T-TTC is hard.  I went through secondary IF with this one.  But I would never say to someone who is going through what she is going through, "well you should just be happy, because I can't get PG" 

That's not hormonal, that's rude.  Some things are just best left kept in your own head.

kaybeeknits

@VolMomma‌ We don't take kindly to chalking up dumb comments to hormones. FWIW, I don't think the wallet comment is a big deal.

I do think it's stupid to get butthurt that she's dealing south emotions regarding an unplanned pregnancy.

Presumably, if you're here, you're pregnant, so be happy about that. She's not posting her feelings in TTTC.

VolMomma

You can't make someone come around, if he's not willing to talk to someone, not much she can do. There's another person to think of with out added stress on her.
I hope he does come around, not being rude, it's a blessing, not a burden.

kaybeeknits

One person's blessing could be a burden for someone else. Not saying she sees her baby as a burden, but we shouldn't project our feelings and priorities on others.

gingerygirl

You need to make sure he understands that even if you had been taking the pill correctly, you still could have gotten pregnant. I was taking the pill every day and I still got pregnant, that's why I'm here. I'm sorry he's being such a butt-munch. You need to know as much as he does that it isn't your fault. It happens. Keep your chin up, things will get brighter soon (:

VolMomma

Sorry if I was rude, having a bitchy morning, one thing that helped me with my marriage was a good church, sounds like you have that.
Took a lot of praying and some on my own, hubby finally came around and I didn't realize he had feelings too.
We have a great pastor and he's totally been a God send.
I do wish the best, and hope he comes around. Maybe he needs a refresher in health class and where babies come from.

spoonleg

Did you tell your husband that you had skipped some pills, before having sex? If not, that is probably where his feelings of mistrust are coming from. Yes, it takes two people to make a baby. Yes, there is a risk that BC can fail even when taken correctly. But that risk increases exponentially when NOT taken correctly, and if he was not made aware of the fact that there was a pretty significant change of pregnancy occurring BEFORE having sex, he might feel a little misled. 

If he remains really hung up on the subject, counseling is an excellent idea. You can't go back and change what's happened, so hopefully everyone can come to terms with it and move forward. I'm sure than an unexpected pregnancy is quite a shock. I disagree with others who claim that it's ALWAYS a blessing. I imagine that it doesn't always feel that way, initially. It's shocking, upsetting and frightening at first! I hope you guys will come together to deal with what's happened and grow stronger as a couple because of it.

Ktbug613

I'm not going to harp Volmama any more than has already been said, but just wanted to say I love seeing you ladies stick up for the OPs right to feel how she feels about her unplanned pregnancy. Not always the experience I've seen on the bump

alibc123

I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I hope for both your and your DH sake that he comes around and isn't such an ass about it much longer. Congratulations on the baby though, and welcome to our little club!

rspurlock813

spoonleg said:

Did you tell your husband that you had skipped some pills, before having sex? If not, that is probably where his feelings of mistrust are coming from. Yes, it takes two people to make a baby. Yes, there is a risk that BC can fail even when taken correctly. But that risk increases exponentially when NOT taken correctly, and if he was not made aware of the fact that there was a pretty significant change of pregnancy occurring BEFORE having sex, he might feel a little misled. 

If he remains really hung up on the subject, counseling is an excellent idea. You can't go back and change what's happened, so hopefully everyone can come to terms with it and move forward. I'm sure than an unexpected pregnancy is quite a shock. I disagree with others who claim that it's ALWAYS a blessing. I imagine that it doesn't always feel that way, initially. It's shocking, upsetting and frightening at first! I hope you guys will come together to deal with what's happened and grow stronger as a couple because of it.

Yes. He did know that I had missed 2 pills. I was very open about how I thought conception may have happened. He took that, and ran with it, by blaming me entirely, and telling me I lost his trust. and has still been "mad" about it. I put mad in quotations because I feel he is being unreasonable.

Again, the only thing I can do for him is pray that God gives him a change of heart. I have decided to go to therapy with or without him with my church pastor. Thank you all again for your support.

VolMomma

My filter is broke anyways guess I stand out more

MNgirl326

ICarriedAWatermelon said:

jconno said:

FWIW, @VolMomma isn't the only one spouting that "babies are always a good thing."

This general attitude irks me. Completely invalidates what OP is feeling, which is a completely normal reaction to her situation.

The world isn't black and white.

Ok, sorry. I more or less skimmed the comments and hers stuck out to me.

Oh - didn't mean to single you or anyone else out for calling out VolMomma. But I just wondered why we let other comments slide.

I didn't see any others, honestly.  I skimmed the responses and hers was so extreme amongst the "I hope he comes around" and "He's being a jerk" comments that it stuck out.

 

 

 

VolMomma

Think the dead horse has been beat to death

jovencita1224

@rspurlock813‌, my husband was like that with my 2nd pregnancy. It took 18 months to conceive DD1, and I was nursing her still at 14 months when I got my BFP with DD2. We were in counseling prior to that, but he only came with me a few times after the BFP. He was really distant and TBH, I was considering if I should leave him.

After the baby was born, it actually got worse. She was an extremely challenging baby with reflux, colic, difficulty gaining weight, and physical delays. He didn't connect with her at all for months. I was getting ready to leave him.

Then I went to counseling again. He wouldn't go because he didn't think he had a problem. The counselor taught me a lot of ways to communicate my needs and stand my ground and not let his issues affect me. Our DD started to get easier as she got older and he started to connect with her more. Things have been pretty good. BFP #3 threw me through a loop because we were preventing pregnancy and I was terrified to tell him. I was pretty freaked out myself and not ready for a third at all. I was honest about my apprehension and he ended up being happy enough for the both of us to get through the first few days until I could wrap my brain around this pregnancy. I credit the techniques learned in counseling for better communication.

His apprehension is normal. I don't fault him for being unhappy initially...many people react to unexpected news with sadness or fear. Him saying he lost his trust in you is not ok. It's hurtful and completely unfair. You didn't do this on purpose and I'm sure you are freaked out and nervous about this unexpected news. I think counseling, even if just for you, will help a lot. And I totally understand how you feel and it DID get better for us...but it took almost a year AFTER she was born for him to really bond with her. Just realize that it could take time.

LeadMitten

ICarriedAWatermelon said:

jconno said:

ICarriedAWatermelon said:

FWIW, @VolMomma isn't the only one spouting that "babies are always a good thing."

This general attitude irks me. Completely invalidates what OP is feeling, which is a completely normal reaction to her situation.

The world isn't black and white.

Ok, sorry. I more or less skimmed the comments and hers stuck out to me.

Oh - didn't mean to single you or anyone else out for calling out VolMomma. But I just wondered why we let other comments slide.

------------------
I think her comment stuck out more than the others because she threw the Pain Olympics on top, for lack of a better phrase.

VolMomma

I apologized so move on. I'm first to say I flipped the bitch switch. My filter is broken, I need an adult time out I guess.

mikeANDjen448

I'm so sorry you are going through this and I'm really sorry about the negative comments on this thread. Most people are spot on though and just KNOW that you two WILL get through this. Together. In the meantime, hang in there and we are here for you! (((HUGS)))

sydneym630

I'm sorry for how things have played out but I wanted to leave a comment because my bestfriend went through something similar 2 years ago. My friend and her fiancé were not trying for a baby and she had switched pills to a different brand (I'm not quite sure why) long story short she got pregnant. Her fiancé was not happy and thought she purposely got pregnant "behind his back" even though he was obviously a part of the process. He was pretty livid for a few weeks but she said everything changed when they went to the first appointment and he saw/heard the baby and learned what she would be going through for the pregnancy. By the time he came around they started telling family which included her mom- to their surprise her mom was livid and said some awful things (mostly because it wasn't planned and they weren't financially ready yet)... My friend had a very hard time in the first trimester with her fiancé and mom and not having the support she so badly wanted but thankfully as time went on her mom came around too and now they have a precious little boy who is SO loved by both his dad and grandma! She was terrified they wouldn't be supportive but they all have a great relationship today and everything worked out in the end.

I wish you the best of luck and hope your husband comes around congrats on your pregnancy!

pjay214

I'm sorry you are going through this. stress is no good for the baby. I was on the pill for years took it the same time every day then I got pregnant with my first. So don't blame yourself too much. Its too bad your husband is not a better support for you. Isnt that part of the deal of marriage? But allow him some time. Everybody handles things differently. He may come around. Meanwhile. How do you feel about it. Don't beat yourself up. Stay positive as best you can. Negativity is no help at all. & take it one day at a time.

Bigboneded

Sorry you are having a hard time with hubby, I hope he comes around, and I think you are wise to choose counseling with or without him. Ill be praying for you. (((Hugs)))

rspurlock813

sydneym630 said:

I'm sorry for how things have played out but I wanted to leave a comment because my bestfriend went through something similar 2 years ago. My friend and her fiancé were not trying for a baby and she had switched pills to a different brand (I'm not quite sure why) long story short she got pregnant. Her fiancé was not happy and thought she purposely got pregnant "behind his back" even though he was obviously a part of the process. He was pretty livid for a few weeks but she said everything changed when they went to the first appointment and he saw/heard the baby and learned what she would be going through for the pregnancy. By the time he came around they started telling family which included her mom- to their surprise her mom was livid and said some awful things (mostly because it wasn't planned and they weren't financially ready yet)... My friend had a very hard time in the first trimester with her fiancé and mom and not having the support she so badly wanted but thankfully as time went on her mom came around too and now they have a precious little boy who is SO loved by both his dad and grandma! She was terrified they wouldn't be supportive but they all have a great relationship today and everything worked out in the end.

I wish you the best of luck and hope your husband comes around congrats on your pregnancy!

Thank you for sharing that story. That was very, very encouraging for me. And it gives me hope. Thank you

sydneygerten

rspurlock813 said:

I'm sorry for how things have played out but I wanted to leave a comment because my bestfriend went through something similar 2 years ago. My friend and her fiancé were not trying for a baby and she had switched pills to a different brand (I'm not quite sure why) long story short she got pregnant. Her fiancé was not happy and thought she purposely got pregnant "behind his back" even though he was obviously a part of the process. He was pretty livid for a few weeks but she said everything changed when they went to the first appointment and he saw/heard the baby and learned what she would be going through for the pregnancy. By the time he came around they started telling family which included her mom- to their surprise her mom was livid and said some awful things (mostly because it wasn't planned and they weren't financially ready yet)... My friend had a very hard time in the first trimester with her fiancé and mom and not having the support she so badly wanted but thankfully as time went on her mom came around too and now they have a precious little boy who is SO loved by both his dad and grandma! She was terrified they wouldn't be supportive but they all have a great relationship today and everything worked out in the end. I wish you the best of luck and hope your husband comes around congrats on your pregnancy!

Thank you for sharing that story. That was very, very encouraging for me. And it gives me hope. Thank you

Sydneym630 is my account- the username is different from my phone versus when i'm on the computer

but I just wanted to add- not only is her fiance (soon to be husband) absolutely in love with their son but now he's begging for a second!! Not everything always goes as planned but it will all work out the way its supposed to and I hope you have a similar "ending" to this as my friend lots of ladies here for you as well!! Good luck with everything and enjoy your pregnancy!!! 

rspurlock813

I wanted to let everyone know that my husband brought home flowers for me yesterday after work. he apologized for being a jerk and he asked if we wanted to drive to my parents house and tell them the news. I decided to wait til Sunday on my birthday to tell them their baby is having a baby. he told me the trust issue still bothered him, but he realized this is happening. I think him Being able to talk to his 2 good work pals about it helped him see that he was wrong in the way he was acting.
I had my very first appt today. They took blood and I peed and they gave me brochures and went over insurance stuff. I am right at 5 weeks! My ultrasound is on the 24th.
Thank you all so much for the support!!