Third-Party Reproduction

Telling or not telling family/friends---Previous BFP/pregnancy mentioned.

sarahjerisarahjeri member
edited May 2014 in Third-Party Reproduction
With our fresh embryo transfer EVERYONE and their brother knew that we were cycling, and knew what was going on every step of the way.  I was paranoid that something would go wrong and that I would want the support of my family/friends.  I think people were happy for us and they told other people, which was fine, especially since things worked out great, we got a BFP.  

This time around for our FET I don't really want to tell anyone.  A friend from the Resolve group I host who is pregnant with DE/IVF is the only person I've told.  I haven't told my mom which is weird for me, she's my BFF.  DH is on board with not telling anyone, but it just feels ... I don't know.  Strange I guess.  And so different from last time.  I almost want to keep it to myself.  Just because with doing donor it feels really hard to keep things under wraps like a "typical" pregnancy.  I have so many friends who didn't know they were pregnant, because they weren't trying, until their missed period (or TWO!) and so no one knew for 9 or 10 weeks, like it's normal for everyone to not know until you say, hey! I'm pregnant.  I felt like last time that wasn't an option.  I never got to feel "normal" and just tell someone I was pregnant, that everyone was waiting for each and every beta to see what would happen.  

I just wanted to see what everyone else does.  Do you tell people?  Not tell people?  Only tell certain people?  Ask those you tell to keep it secret?  
*****siggy*****
Me: 33 (Mosaic Turner's Syndrome/POF) 
DH: 35 (no male factor)
3/10 - Foster Mr. T for 1 month
3/11 - Foster AL for 1 year
7/11 Known donor retrieval 7 fertilized 
7/11 DE Transfer -BFP & 5 FE
4/9/12 Miracle baby girl arrives!
Planning for FET 7/14


Re: Telling or not telling family/friends---Previous BFP/pregnancy mentioned.

  • We didn't tell when we returned to treatment this year. I didn't want the questions or comments after so many failures and a loss. We told no one. But it was hard-like having a double life bc we had to travel for treatment. That said, I did break down in February during my 2nd loss and told my parents. So they knew about this last transfer/beta. But we kept quiet about being pregnant until this weekend to DHs family at 12.5 weeks. Everyone was shocked to say the least. I'm telling my friend next week. I wouldn't change a thing and not telling was right for us this time.

    TTC #1 since 8/1/10; Me:41 and BRCA1+, DH:46
    DOR (FSH 24.3)/ terrible egg quality ; homozygous MTHFR c677t
    5 IUI's: 2/11 to 6/11 and 1/12= BFN
    OE IVF#1-4 8/11-6/12= all BFN
    DE IVF#1 11/12 bad embryos= BFN
    DE IVF #2 2/13 BFP/Beta hell: m/c 5w6d
    CFNBC 7 months, not doing well; decided on guarantee program at RBA w/frozen DE
    DE IVF #3 1/14  ET 4BB; BFP;M/C 5w1d, incomplete m/c; MVA extraction in ER 7w1d

    DE FET#1 ET 3/1714; BFP, beta 1 3/27= 197, beta 2 3/31= 1586, beta 3 4/7= 13879!!
    First u/s= Twins with HBs at 6w2d! We are Team Pink x 2!!

    K & K born 11/21/14 at 38wks 4 days

    imageimage

    SAIF/PAIF Welcome


    http://waitingforraintostop.wordpress.com

    lincoln79daydreamer34254sarahjeri
  • lincoln79lincoln79 member
    edited May 2014
    What I have come to understand after all this is that you can tell only people that will be supportive. That's your perogative (and now I have Bobby Brown in my head).
    MH family was supportive with previous struggles, so we told them. My family was not supportive, so we didn't tell them until we were in the 2nd trimester.

    If you only want to tell your mother, that is fine. It is also acceptable to ask her to keep it private for your sakes.

    HTH!
    TTC #1 since 12/2010 DH: MFI, cancer survivor Me: Resected septate uterus, lap treated mild endo, tubes open, ovulate on own, autoimmune disease 3 Failed IUI's (2/2012, 4/2012, 6/2012) 
    IVF #1 August 2012. BFP! Beta #1 56.7 Beta #2 150 One baby, one heartbeat on 9/20/12! no h/b @7w6d. dandc @8w0d
    FET #1 December 2012, BFN
    FET #2 February 2013, no embies survived thaw
    IVF #2, BFP #2, Loss #2 March 2013, Scar tissue discovered, RPL testing,
    IVF #3, BFP #3, Loss #3 (twins) September 2013
    Hostile ute, moving onto Gestational Carrier!

    GC/FET #1 of 1 5AA blast and 1 compacted blast, February 2014, BFP #4 on 3/1/2014!
    6w u/s 1 bean with h/b of 145 bpm, 8w u/s 187 bpm
    EDD 11/7/14. Please, please, please stick little one!

    Praying unceasingly for a miracle. ALL welcome!

    image










    sarahjeri
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  • ksgsmuksgsmu member
    We didn't tell anyone.... Our families and closest friends know we are doing treatments but have no clue about specifics.  We told everyone only after I was miscarrying last year because I needed the support. With this DEIVF and FET I just completed not one soul knew or knows at this point.  We will tell our families after we hear the heartbeat/s and everyone else after 12 weeks.  I have enjoyed the privacy... it has helped me manage the stress.  I tell my family EVERYTHING so this wa at first strange but I am so glad I did. 

    Good  luck on whatever you decide!
    ***siggy/ticker warning***

    Me:36 DH:38 TTC#1 since 4/2012
    Me DX: Hashimotos,Hypothyroid, DOR, MTHFR,  DH: normal

     IUI #1-#4 BFNs and a few cancelled cycles in the mix.
    - poor responder
    ***Suprise BFP on 6/13/13. Natural MC @6wks 3days
    IVF#1 and 2- Cancelled due to no response on max stimms
    FET 5/20- BFP
    1st Beta- 641
    2nd beta- 2166
    Sono- TWINS!!!!
    Two Boys! Born January 2015 @36 weeks.  Healthy and no NICU!  So blessed!



    image 

    sarahjeri
  • I was an open book with the first attempt, the second time only a few close people (parents, siblings, BFF) and then on our third we told no one, and when things went bad I opened up to only those close who could support me.

     In my case with all the BFN and a MC, it has really tainted my perception of telling people, because it was always bad news. In the end YOU have to do what makes YOU feel ok, and no one will fault you for not telling, and if they do then they are not the type of people who I would want to share with anyways ;-)

    April 2013 DE IVF= BFN

    September 2013 DE IVF (Fingers Crossed) = BFFFN! again...

    October 2013 FET of our last 2 = Beta Hellzz for 6-7 Weeks. M/C

    sarahjeri
  • There is no right or wrong way to approach, but instead how you and DH feel comfortable. This is our first round and we've decided to share with those who support us that we are going through the process but have chosen not to share news about when the transfer is. We felt this was important because it will allow us to have our own feelings before sharing with others. Being the first time we've gone through this process, it's all a bit scary. The next time though, we might keep it under wraps a bit more.

    Either way, try not to feel strange, just do what feels right to your both :) GL! 
    Pregnancy Ticker

    Married September 3, 2011 | TTC since May 2013
    Me: Diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2013, underwent fertility sparing surgery which left low ovarian reserve, no tubes, partial ovary | DH: perfectly normal 
    BFP: 5/30/2014 via donor eggs | EDD: 2/6/2015
    BeckyP005daydreamer34254sarahjeri
  • I have a few IRL friends and family who stalk my blog, so they got the play by play there for IVF #1, #2, and #3. Then when we finally had an embryo who made it to blastocyst, we froze it for a FET. DH & I decided that we weren't going to tell anyone IRL about the transfer, and we did it in secret. I even started a secret blog. It was so nice to have that time for just us - DH, Ninja & me. It made the whole thing a lot less stressful, and even though the cycle was a bust, I am so glad with the way we went forward. I have no regrets and truly enjoyed every second that our embryo existed for those 9+ weeks between ER and beta. And it was surely nice not to have people asking for news when I wasn't ready to give it.
    image
    TTC since March 2012
    Dx: Unexplained IF, Arcuate Uterus, Minimal Endometriosis, Poor Embryo Quality
    Tx History: 1 Injects+TI, 5 IUIs, 3 IVFs, 1 FET = all BFN and full of heartbreak
    Plan: Waiting to see if our potential donor is a match for DE IVF #1


    Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
    sarahjeri
  • refeek1refeek1 member

    I have a co-worker that knows, because she was going to be my donor.  I don't plan on telling anyone else until I have to!

    TTC #1 since May 2010

    OE IVF #1  9/2/13 Cancelled- poor response

    DE IVF #1 3/12/14- BFP 3/17/14- ectopic, right tube removed 4/11/14 @ 7 weeks

    DE FET #1 7/3/14-Transferred 2 5AA 6 day embryos Beta 7/13/14 BFN

    DE FET #2 9/5/14-Transferred 2 4BB 5 day embryos Beta 9/15/14 BFN

    DE FET #3 in December- Cancelled, didn't respond to meds

    DE FET #3 (2nd try) 2/13/15- Transferred 1 4BB and 1 4BA 5 day embryos Beta 2/23/15  BFN again (CP)

    DE FET #4 - last 2 frosties....5/22/15- Transferred 1 4BA embryo...only one frostie thawed properly.  Beta scheduled for 6/1-  BFN (beta 2, 2.81, 6, 23, 49.4) 6/15/15 Discovered ectopic in left tube.  Methotrexate given. Moving on to a new donor. Hoping to transfer by the end of the year.

    Cant find a donor that is healthy and available.  Looking at being happy with just the two of us.

     

    sarahjeri
  • e74e74 member
    I did both. Early on in the journey, I did share with a select few people, but as we had more failures, we kept it to ourselves. I think one person knew the last time when we were successful.
    DS#1 born 9/23/06 
    Twins DS#2 and 3 born at 31 weeks, 3 days due to a short cervix on 8/2/13.
  • Thank you everyone for your responses.  I ended up telling my SIL who I see very frequently that we're "starting to think about it" and my cousin that I'm close to that "we'd know by August".  A little cryptic but I feel like at least they won't be shocked if we get a BFN and I need someone to cry to.  I think I'll take your advice @lincoln79 and tell my mom but ask her to keep things quiet.  

    I'm scared this time because the statistic of success is so much less 25-33% (FET) vs 55% (fresh). That statistic just makes me feel gross.  With our fresh cycle we were told that we *would* get pregnant.  Like it wasn't a question - and they were right.  This time though, they are all like "well.  I don't know.  Maybe they'll make the thaw, but maybe not.  Maybe they'll implant, maybe not."  I'm freaking out a little bit.  
    *****siggy*****
    Me: 33 (Mosaic Turner's Syndrome/POF) 
    DH: 35 (no male factor)
    3/10 - Foster Mr. T for 1 month
    3/11 - Foster AL for 1 year
    7/11 Known donor retrieval 7 fertilized 
    7/11 DE Transfer -BFP & 5 FE
    4/9/12 Miracle baby girl arrives!
    Planning for FET 7/14


    lincoln79
  • I'm so sorry you're feeling panicked about things right now. It really is sickening to think of the numbers through all of this, but you've already landed on the good side of the odds. I think that's a good sign for you!! You're transferring a frosty from the same batch as DD, right? Obviously, she was a great one, so there's lots of hope that the others are too! Good luck & keep us posted :)
    image
    TTC since March 2012
    Dx: Unexplained IF, Arcuate Uterus, Minimal Endometriosis, Poor Embryo Quality
    Tx History: 1 Injects+TI, 5 IUIs, 3 IVFs, 1 FET = all BFN and full of heartbreak
    Plan: Waiting to see if our potential donor is a match for DE IVF #1


    Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
  • sarahjeri said:
    Thank you everyone for your responses.  I ended up telling my SIL who I see very frequently that we're "starting to think about it" and my cousin that I'm close to that "we'd know by August".  A little cryptic but I feel like at least they won't be shocked if we get a BFN and I need someone to cry to.  I think I'll take your advice @lincoln79 and tell my mom but ask her to keep things quiet.  

    I'm scared this time because the statistic of success is so much less 25-33% (FET) vs 55% (fresh). That statistic just makes me feel gross.  With our fresh cycle we were told that we *would* get pregnant.  Like it wasn't a question - and they were right.  This time though, they are all like "well.  I don't know.  Maybe they'll make the thaw, but maybe not.  Maybe they'll implant, maybe not."  I'm freaking out a little bit.  
    I totally get it. Before this FET I felt like we were just going through the motions so we could get to the fresh IVF, and this is the one that has stuck around the longest so far.
    There is just no predicting in this realm...(((hugs)))
    TTC #1 since 12/2010 DH: MFI, cancer survivor Me: Resected septate uterus, lap treated mild endo, tubes open, ovulate on own, autoimmune disease 3 Failed IUI's (2/2012, 4/2012, 6/2012) 
    IVF #1 August 2012. BFP! Beta #1 56.7 Beta #2 150 One baby, one heartbeat on 9/20/12! no h/b @7w6d. dandc @8w0d
    FET #1 December 2012, BFN
    FET #2 February 2013, no embies survived thaw
    IVF #2, BFP #2, Loss #2 March 2013, Scar tissue discovered, RPL testing,
    IVF #3, BFP #3, Loss #3 (twins) September 2013
    Hostile ute, moving onto Gestational Carrier!

    GC/FET #1 of 1 5AA blast and 1 compacted blast, February 2014, BFP #4 on 3/1/2014!
    6w u/s 1 bean with h/b of 145 bpm, 8w u/s 187 bpm
    EDD 11/7/14. Please, please, please stick little one!

    Praying unceasingly for a miracle. ALL welcome!

    image










  • @daydreamer34254 Yes, same batch of embies as our DD.  You're right!  I should be hopeful, more stress-free, less freaking out - at least as much as possible :)   So glad I have people who understand and *get it*.  @lincoln79  


    *****siggy*****
    Me: 33 (Mosaic Turner's Syndrome/POF) 
    DH: 35 (no male factor)
    3/10 - Foster Mr. T for 1 month
    3/11 - Foster AL for 1 year
    7/11 Known donor retrieval 7 fertilized 
    7/11 DE Transfer -BFP & 5 FE
    4/9/12 Miracle baby girl arrives!
    Planning for FET 7/14


  • Hey, it's one thing to realize that you shouldn't be freaking out, but another thing to actually do it!! To be honest, I'd be freaking out too regardless of how great things looked. This is hard. After going through as much as we do, of course our minds gravitate towards the negative side of the stats. It's next to impossible to get through this whole thing stress-free. Do what you must to survive & here's hoping that your outcome is the best it can be!
    image
    TTC since March 2012
    Dx: Unexplained IF, Arcuate Uterus, Minimal Endometriosis, Poor Embryo Quality
    Tx History: 1 Injects+TI, 5 IUIs, 3 IVFs, 1 FET = all BFN and full of heartbreak
    Plan: Waiting to see if our potential donor is a match for DE IVF #1


    Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
    sarahjeri
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