I'm new, and I'm really not sure where I belong or what I want to do. So I thought I would introduce myself and see how I feel.
I am 32 and have two boys from a relationship long ago when I was young. Because they were unexpected pregnancies, I always kind of considered myself to be... I don't know... super fertile or something. Now that I am older, I understand things a lot better and realize that I was just in my prime baby-making years and sexually active and in the wrong type of relationship. I love them to death, but I always wanted to have a "normal" pregnancy experience, without being alone or in a bad situation.
Anyway, I eventually found the love of my life and we got together 6 1/2 years ago. We talked about having another baby, but never felt we were in the ideal financial position to do so. Eventually, we started to feel the pressure of time passing us by and decided to go ahead and stop using birth control. We still weren't in an ideal situation, but we were doing well, and we foresee things only improving with time.
I got pregnant in October of last year and we were super excited. We kind of blissfully went along week by week. I had a little light brown spotting here and there, but was reassured to see our baby's heartbeat on a sonogram. We happily carried the little pictures home with us and marveled at how much more real a picture makes everything. A couple of days later, I started to bleed. I began the miscarriage process over Thanksgiving, and there was nothing that could be done. I let it progress naturally, and my need to inspect everything that left my body left us with the very surreal experience of seeing the baby. I will never know if that is good or bad.
I am now five weeks along in my next pregnancy. I'm a mixture of emotions that I'm sure you can all relate to. I'm insanely paranoid and overwhelmed by all the diet restrictions (I don't remember lunchmeat being off limits 10 years ago!) and I have been taking great care of myself, but I can't help but worry that the long walks/runs I take or the pasteurized feta I ate or the deodorant I wear or the face wash I use or the computer in my lap or the water fountain I drank from (pretty much everything I do or have done in the last five weeks) is going to leave me with another loss.
When I was pregnant with my boys, I was flippant and dismissive of a lot of things. I felt like my body was determined to do its own thing anyway and that I was secondary to the pregnancies, and I didn't really have to worry much. I remember other moms on my old pregnancy board worrying about things that I never gave a second thought to. And my body grew these great big (a little too big) healthy boys. I thought my body was impeccable at growing babies and protecting them. My biggest worries revolved around external factors like car accidents.
But the miscarriage destroyed all that. I see that I'm getting older and that I'm not the vibrant, youthful 18 or 22 year old I used to be. I know my body isn't as up to the task as it was then. Hell, my body isn't even up to the task of sitting on a hardwood floor anymore! I had a copper IUD for a number of years, so I worry that it destroyed me in some way. I worry that I'm going to have to keep trying and trying and that this is going to be nothing like the "normal" experience I'd always dreamed of and for which I had waited so long to start trying.
I know that many of you have lost several pregnancies/babies, and that my single loss is really not as earth shattering to some of the veterans on here as it is to me. And I realize that I am blessed to have two healthy boys. I just have no one to talk to about this (my fiance is a chef and not a big talker, especially as he is purposely trying not to get too emotionally involved this time around), and I haven't told anyone about the miscarriage or the new pregnancy. I wanted pregnancy news to be a complete surprise to our families (who live halfway across the country), and news of a miscarriage would tip them off to the possibility. I am thinking about getting in with the January 2015 birth club, but a part of me feels like my current mindset is more suited to PGAL board.