New Here (loss mentioned)

OnlyGirlInTheHouse

Hello, ladies!

I'm new, and I'm really not sure where I belong or what I want to do. So I thought I would introduce myself and see how I feel. 

I am 32 and have two boys from a relationship long ago when I was young. Because they were unexpected pregnancies, I always kind of considered myself to be... I don't know... super fertile or something. Now that I am older, I understand things a lot better and realize that I was just in my prime baby-making years and sexually active and in the wrong type of relationship. I love them to death, but I always wanted to have a "normal" pregnancy experience, without being alone or in a bad situation.

Anyway, I eventually found the love of my life and we got together 6 1/2 years ago. We talked about having another baby, but never felt we were in the ideal financial position to do so. Eventually, we started to feel the pressure of time passing us by and decided to go ahead and stop using birth control. We still weren't in an ideal situation, but we were doing well, and we foresee things only improving with time.

I got pregnant in October of last year and we were super excited. We kind of blissfully went along week by week. I had a little light brown spotting here and there, but was reassured to see our baby's heartbeat on a sonogram. We happily carried the little pictures home with us and marveled at how much more real a picture makes everything. A couple of days later, I started to bleed. I began the miscarriage process over Thanksgiving, and there was nothing that could be done. I let it progress naturally, and my need to inspect everything that left my body left us with the very surreal experience of seeing the baby. I will never know if that is good or bad.

I am now five weeks along in my next pregnancy. I'm a mixture of emotions that I'm sure you can all relate to. I'm insanely paranoid and overwhelmed by all the diet restrictions (I don't remember lunchmeat being off limits 10 years ago!) and I have been taking great care of myself, but I can't help but worry that the long walks/runs I take or the pasteurized feta I ate or the deodorant I wear or the face wash I use or the computer in my lap or the water fountain I drank from (pretty much everything I do or have done in the last five weeks) is going to leave me with another loss.

When I was pregnant with my boys, I was flippant and dismissive of a lot of things. I felt like my body was determined to do its own thing anyway and that I was secondary to the pregnancies, and I didn't really have to worry much. I remember other moms on my old pregnancy board worrying about things that I never gave a second thought to. And my body grew these great big (a little too big) healthy boys. I thought my body was impeccable at growing babies and protecting them. My biggest worries revolved around external factors like car accidents.

But the miscarriage destroyed all that. I see that I'm getting older and that I'm not the vibrant, youthful 18 or 22 year old I used to be. I know my body isn't as up to the task as it was then. Hell, my body isn't even up to the task of sitting on a hardwood floor anymore! I had a copper IUD for a number of years, so I worry that it destroyed me in some way. I worry that I'm going to have to keep trying and trying and that this is going to be nothing like the "normal" experience I'd always dreamed of and for which I had waited so long to start trying.

I know that many of you have lost several pregnancies/babies, and that my single loss is really not as earth shattering to some of the veterans on here as it is to me. And I realize that I am blessed to have two healthy boys. I just have no one to talk to about this (my fiance is a chef and not a big talker, especially as he is purposely trying not to get too emotionally involved this time around), and I haven't told anyone about the miscarriage or the new pregnancy. I wanted pregnancy news to be a complete surprise to our families (who live halfway across the country), and news of a miscarriage would tip them off to the possibility. I am thinking about getting in with the January 2015 birth club, but a part of me feels like my current mindset is more suited to PGAL board.

mmsweeney1

Welcome! I hope that you get more and more confident each week - your body still knows what to do and I don't think you have to make yourself worry about every little thing. All of us here know how hard it can be, but I wish you the best!

OnlyGirlInTheHouse

Thank you! It's probably the hormones, but it just means so much to me just to hear from someone who knows what it's like.

fallfever

(Lurking...i haven't officially intro'd yet) I understand your fears. I have 3 healthy boys, and then recently suffered 2 losses. I've always been a worrier by nature, but you are right, it totally shatters things. I'm 11 weeks along right now and most days I'm ok. Some days I am not ok. This board has been a great comfort to me. Even though I haven't really jumped in, reading the posts and seeing the rainbow babies is a great mood lifter:) I hope that you will have a great pregnancy! Hang in there.

taberbtb

I'm so sorry for you loss. As PP has stated it's important to remind yourself that this pregnancy is not the same as the last one and the outcome of one does not dictact the outcome of another. Try not to stress over every little thing and enjoy this LO! I have decided that nothing I do will change the outcome of this pregnancy so I am just going to enjoy each day as it comes. Congrats to you and welcome.

OnlyGirlInTheHouse

Fallfever, I'm glad you chimed in this time! I wish you a long and very uneventful pregnancy. I never thought of myself as a worrier, but I guess I am a bit this time. I'm a major control freak though, so that part of me wants to go to ridiculous lengths to avoid everything that might have a teeny chance of being dangerous. But it's just not feasible to obsess over every little thing, and I have to learn to relax. I think it's a good idea to lurk around a bit on here to see that people are having successes and that I will probably be one of them.

Meagpt22, you're so right. If something went wrong, I (and any of us) would be devastated. So why should we waste happy time on being paranoid and afraid? I have to keep that in mind. Thank you.

Thank you ladies so much. And congratulations to you all!

voplo

Hello! It is hard not to be worried after having a miscarriage, mostly during the first 3 months. But the fear - even though is always there - stars to step behind as the pregnancy progresses. I can't tell you there will be a moment you won't be worried, but I can say that you will get excited, and happy and see light at the end of the tunnel. And you will get to experience those "happy" moments with more intensity than other pregnant woman that haven't suffered a loss because you know that the moment is precious and you are aware of how hard is to get there. I wish you the best in this pregnancy. Congratulations and welcome.

And remember: every pregnancy is different, and every child deserves to be celebrated. Don't let the fear take that away from you

megbmeg

I'm so sorry for your loss. It does make it a lot harder to feel comfortable and confident in a new pregnancy. But it is wonderful that you are pregnant! It's definitely scary, and your not alone in feeling anxious and even in missing or mourning the kind of carefree, optimistic pregnancy you imagined. I hope that as days & the weeks pass, you and your DH will be able to get more comfortable and excited. I've found the Pgal board to be immensely helpful, and I check-in on my BMB too. The Jan. board probably has a Pgal check-in that you might try. Congrats!!

Bigboneded

Congrats, and welcome. Im sorry you are feeling isolated, I hope this board can help! I read a post about someone doing a happy dance everytime she goes pee and there is no blood.... me too now :-) I am still afraid, but determined to celebrate today! I know it's hard, (((hugs)))

SuperKim13

I am so sorry for your loss.  I think we can all relate to the fear associated with being pregnant after a loss.  I know it's hard (((HUGS))).  PPs have given you some great advice, and some mantras that have helped me are:

Today I am pregnant and I love my baby.
and
This is a new pregnancy, my past does not dictate my future.

Congratulations and welcome!  I wish you a happy and healthy 9 months!

peggels24

Congratulations and welcome. PPs gave you great advice.

JessicaG220

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Regardless of the situation, we've all experienced losses of some kind and we all understand how you feel.

Congrats on your new pregnancy!  Just continue to take good care of yourself and try to think positively. Wishing you a h&h 9 months!

haleyusf

((hugs)) Congratulations and welcome aboard! Everyone has given you great advice, and we've all been (or are) where you are. I'm sure that as the days progress and you pass milestones, you'll feel more confident in your pregnancy. I caution you about staying too detached though; my pregnancy with my son was directly after a loss and I wasn't able to emotionally get excited about that pregnancy until after the first trimester and I have always regretted those three months of worry and anxiety. I was constantly sure the pregnancy was going to fail and basically shut down emotionally. That kind of thinking makes it hard to get back in the game, so to speak, in the 2nd and 3rd tris. My current pregnancy is also directly after a loss, but this time I've made sure to focus on the positive and love my baby, no matter how uncertain pregnancy can be. Today, I am pregnant and I love my baby.

LifeofCat

Congrats and welcome PP have given great advice. We are all here to support each other!

MrsTuna08

Congrats and Welcome!  PP have given lots of great advice.  One quote that has been mentioned on this board before that I think is really beautiful and has helped me is, "Worry about today doesn't take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's joy."

I've also joined my BMB.  The vibes are totally different between the boards, but it's nice to have the warm snuggly support of my PGAL ladies and then to hear what's going on with ladies who are due around the same time that I am.

classicstar28

Welcome and congrats!! I'm a huge worrier and have an anxiety disorder so I totally understand your feelings. All the rules and information regarding pregnancy I think definitely adds to the fears on top of suffering a loss. It has for me anyway. But, I've found this board and the mantras immensely helpful.

I'm not a part of my BMB although I lurk on it (and rarely accidentally post comments on it). I didn't join because I get all I need from this board. But everyone is different and has different needs. It's a different vibe on the BMBs for sure, but it can be nice to have a group of women going through the same stages of pregnancy as you.

[Deleted User]

Congratulations and welcome to the board! First trimester is so, so hard, especially when you're PGAL. It will probably feel like it's taking a thousand years to get to second trimester, but when you do, you'll start to gain steam and confidence in the pregnancy. Wishing you a H&H nine months!