Is my 17 mo a bully?

andreabjorklund

I am new to these discussion boards, so you will have to excuse me and be patient.

I am mom to a 17 mo old boy who from the moment he was born has been extremely alert and active.  Almost too active.  He never slows down and never seems to have a calm moment.  He can never sit still.  He has never been a cuddler.  He however is very intuitive, curious and dare I say brave.  He also likes anything that makes sounds (including him banging on anything he can get his hands on - he loves to hear all the different sounds he can make).  I love him to bits but I have been having an issue.

At the caregiver's home that we have him in during the day, there is a lil boy (about same age) who is a lot more calm and quiet.  My son really likes this other boy but continues to have incidences whereby he is rough or takes toys and hits the other boy on the head.  Not aggressively, but my son is very strong and when he hits me, it hurts, so I can't imagine how much it hurts this other little boy.  A couple of weeks ago, he pushed the other boy into a wall and the boy ended up with a goose egg on his head. 

I have asked the caregiver to give him time outs but not sure that is working as the behavior is still continuing.

 

I am looking for any feedback. 

valeriegp

I'm not really sure but at 17 months I don't think they understand the concept of hurting someone. My 17 month old definitely doesn't. We tell him not to hit, and he stops, but he isn't doing it to be mean, he's doing it because it's fun. He hits things to see what they sound like, feel like, etc. We try to teach him to be gentle. I say "gentle" and hold his hand and show him how to touch something gently.

I don't have any solution for you, just to say that I don't think your son is a bully. He's probably just playing in a way that is fun or interesting to him. Of course, there has to be some way to keep him from hurting the other kids, but I don't know how much they respond to time-outs at this age. 

Good luck.

=Lee=B

Technically it is impossible for a toddler to be a 'bully' as bullying is the intentional, consistant, and just plain mean and malicious acts towards another.

Some toddlers are much more 'hands on', in your face and in your space than others.  It is not intentional.  They need constant, firm but gentle redirection, reminders and interception until they have the mental capacity to know better and change their actions.

My 14 month old is very hands on.  I run a home daycare.  I have five children ages 13-18months.  My daughter is the most hands on.  She is loving, cuddly and very caring but she is also very determined.  She see's something she wants and she wants it...with zero regard to anyone in between her and the object.  It's about the object not the other person.  I spend all day, every day intercepting and stopping her.  I already see a HUGE difference.

I can now cue her with words "hands down" "gentle" "wait your turn"  just hearing me say this now makes her pause.  Often she redirects herself.  Often she tantrums...but she is much, much less hands on.  In the last few days when I tell her "gentle" or "hands down" she stops, looks at her friend (who has what she wanted), giggles and leans in to kiss them on the lips.  Then they both giggle and go off to play.  She's getting it.  She is no where near perfect but the gains have been noticed and we are going in the right direction.  It's exhausting always being on my toes to intercept but it's working. 

Time outs are USELESS at this age.  I mean if they are physically harming someone then by all means pick them up and move them and take care of the injured before going back to the child.  But kids do not sit in time out and reflect on how they were bad and how they should be better.  They sit there thinking how mean you are for ruining their fun.

Use logical consequences...if they push someone over they help them up.  If they steal a toy they return it.  If they colour on the walls they help wash it off. 

jnnfrrose6

DS has had some issues, though I wouldn't call it bullying. He has pushed and bitten kids in his class because they had books he wanted or he wanted to look out the window in the classroom. The teachers write it up each time, but they haven't expressed and concern over it. They basically chalk it up to him not being able to fully verbalize or let out his frustration yet. They try to catch him before it happens and take him away from the situation, but until he's 2 they won't do timeouts. I figure if they aren't concerned then I won't be.

ashiscute

Nicb13 said:

I don't agree with @=Lee=Bthat time out's don't work at that age. They absolutely DID work for my LO and we started them right around 17 months, for hitting only. We still only put DS in time out if he hits out of anger, which is not very often at all.

We spent months and months teaching, demonstrating and showing DS "gentle hands" and being nice, touching nice, etc but after a while, he pushed limits like all toddlers do and would resort to hitting. DH and I were both on board with trying time out's, we were both consistent and DS totally caught on.

I'm not expecting him to sit in time out and reflect but he understands hitting = time out and he knew he didn't want time out so he stopped hitting. I do agree with logical consequences for the most part but if a 17 month old doesn't understand why they are in time out, then how will they understand that pushing is bad because you made them help the person up? That doesn't make sense to me and probably not to a young toddler either.

Just something to think about OP.

This.  Time out has worked for both of my LOs.  I started it around 17 mos.  DS is a bit of a wild man (I call him monster) and tends to hit both out of a anger but also fun.  But he doesn't realize that he is hurting when he hits his sister, he is just trying to play.  But the consequence is the same.  He hits he goes to timeout.  I usually give him a warning and I can see him war with himself over whether to do it again.  He definitely gets it.  The issue is you have to be consistent!  

valeriegp

My son doesn't understand time-outs yet. I think 17 months is the early side of understanding timeouts, so you just have to do what works best with your son.

Angela814

I agree with Lee. IME, time outs weren't effective at stopping unwanted behaviors until my girls were closer to 2.5 years. Before that it was all about redirection. Logical consequences should be tailored to the age of a child too.

sunnyday016

Your son isn't a bully, he can't be. Bullying is consistent and malicious, with the intent to tear down a person's self esteem and cause them pain. 

My son is 2y3m and time outs still are not very effective. My DS is a lot like your son-very active, and very hands on. He can show aggressive behavior, and we address it RIGHT away when we see it. Every time. It's exhausting, but I feel like he is starting to understand that when he kicks, hits, bites, scratches, it actually HURTS us. Most of these behaviors he does toward DH and I, but sometimes it is toward a friend at daycare or his sister. We do a lot of redirection and time outs, although like I said, he doesn't really "get" time outs yet. He can have one and then come out and do the same thing that landed him there in the first place.

emod10

Have you read Happiest Toddler on the Block? I've found so far that it addresses both my quiet 33 month old and my crazy 12 month old

MommaHen1984

I am mom to a 17 mo old boy who from the moment he was born has been extremely alert and active.  Almost too active.  He never slows down and never seems to have a calm moment.  He can never sit still.  He has never been a cuddler.  He however is very intuitive, curious and dare I say brave.  He also likes anything that makes sounds (including him banging on anything he can get his hands on - he loves to hear all the different sounds he can make).  I love him to bits but I have been having an issue.

At the caregiver's home that we have him in during the day, there is a lil boy (about same age) who is a lot more calm and quiet.  My son really likes this other boy but continues to have incidences whereby he is rough or takes toys and hits the other boy on the head.  Not aggressively, but my son is very strong and when he hits me, it hurts, so I can't imagine how much it hurts this other little boy.  A couple of weeks ago, he pushed the other boy into a wall and the boy ended up with a goose egg on his head. 

I have asked the caregiver to give him time outs but not sure that is working as the behavior is still continuing.

 

I am looking for any feedback. 

Is your son my son?! I feel like they could be the same kid. We have had this issue as well, same thing at daycare. He is such a sweet boy but he just doesn't realize his own strength. He is very active as well and very strong for such a little person, at least to me. He pushes kids at daycare not doing it to be mean, but they fall and get hurt. We do timeouts, sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. But if I ask him first" do you want a timeout"? he will say no and for the most part stop what he's doing. I give him that chance and then if he still continues he goes in time out. I have noticed lately when I just "talk" to him in a very quiet, calm but stern tone he actually pays attention and seems to be listening.