Divorced/separated moms

kelseypie

If you guys were lurking in the TFAS thread, you probably saw that it's looking like DH is going to leave us. I'm not sure how to feel, or even how I want to feel about it. A lot of the reasons I'm upset aren't the right ones, like being sad LO won't have a sibling, and that I'm repugnant and will never be looked at again let alone loved. I'm also scared about having to find a different job and place to live, put LO into daycare and support both of us. I do feel like I want things back the way they once were, but am not sure if that's too far gone.

Aside from just using you guys as someone to listen (sorry), I was just hoping for some advice or words of encouragement from you guys that have been there. The other night, DH said W was his. As in, he's taking him. We were in the middle of a fight, so I don't know if he really meant that or if he was just trying to hurt me. Is that even possible though? Surely a court wouldn't take a nursing baby away from his mother?

I'm sorry to use you guys like this. I just don't feel like I can talk to anyone IRL, incase he decides to give it another shot. I don't want my family and our friends hating him if he ends up staying. I just need some head pats, I guess.

I brought sexy man and cookies.


I figured we could eat them off his abs.

dmlk413

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.  Big hugs.

Have you talked to an attorney?  It might be a good idea just so you have an idea of what your rights are.

ColieAnn31

I don't have any advice either but just wanted to let you know that we are all here for you no matter what! Stay strong momma and let us know if there is anything you need and vent away whenever you need to!

kelseypie

I haven't talked to a lawyer at this point, and don't think I will until he actually says the D word. He wouldn't just take the baby, it's nowhere near that ugly. I suspect he was just worried I was going to take William and go stay with my parents 2 hours away and was trying to say I couldn't take him with me.

I think when I can finally get him to speak to me, I'm going to tell him that I want to work it out but ONLY if he'll agree to counseling. I'm sick of being told how big of an asshole/ungrateful bitch/hateful cunt I am every other day. I doubt he'll agree to go, but it's worth a shot to ask again I guess.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Monkeybutt80

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any experience or emotional advice. But as an attorney, I will advise you to see a family law attorney. Just because you see a divorce attorney, doesn't mean that you have to file for divorce or take any actions. And you do not have to wait until things get "ugly" to talk to an attorney. You do not have to tell him that you are seeing an attorney and you can make it clear to the attorney what your intentions are (you would like to work on it via counseling first), but certain actions you take now can help or harm you later down the road IF you guys do end up splitting. Talking to one now will give you an idea of how to best protect you and your baby's interest. 

jmcgra06

So sorry you're going through this I think a really good first step would be to find a counselor yourself. I check in with one a few times a year, and she really helps me sort through whatever I'm dealing with at the time. They would probably also have some recommendations on finding a person in the court system in your county that would give you an idea of how things go if divorce does happen. I totally understand wanting to leave the door open to reconcile and I would feel the same... that said, I have a cousin who is a divorce attorney and she says that the person who files divorce papers is often the one that gets the best deal, simply because they are often more prepared. Even if you aren't hiring a lawyer, it's never too early to know your rights and figure out what might happen next.

But in a word, no - I can't imagine a court would take your child away. I don't want to hate on your husband, but he sounds like he is emotionally abusing you and had been for a while. You are a beautiful girl - I'm not sure if he is making you think you are not or if you have always felt this way, but it is simply not true. Your wedding photo is stunning - I always notice it. Your husband is an ass for saying otherwise. Document what is happening, what he is saying to you. Having that might be very valuable if you do have to go to court.

Counseling can help you see the value in yourself, which will help in every aspect of your life. If your husband wants to bail, that's his loss. You will certainly find someone who will love you and find you attractive.

Please keep us posted, thoughts and prayers for you! You're a strong mama, and this too, shall pass.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Murphie82

Agree with what everyone has said about at least speaking to a lawyer.  It doesn't mean you have to get divorced, but it does all you to prepare yourself if you and YH can't work things out. 

I also highly recommend what @jmcgra06 said about documenting everything he says to you in a journal/diary of some sort.  Don't quote me on this (not a lawyer and have never been in court for any reason) but I believe a journal can be used as evidence of some sort.  It will also be very helpful if you need to recall and refer back to specific events for whatever reason.  If it comes to it, being able to answer "When did XYZ happen?" with an exact date will instantly increase your credibility.

On a personal level, I'm very sorry you're going through this.  I hope you guys can work it out if that is what you want.  Given what you are dealing with, I totally understand not feeling great about yourself right now, but you are incredibly pretty and, regardless of how you look, completely worthy of being loved.  I could go on and on about this topic, but I'll save that for another time.

jmcgra06

libberluru said:

Just need to add... The weakest men are usually the cruelest. He needs you to be down so he can build himself up. Real powerful feeling to have your wife blame herself instead of looking at what is really screwed up about yourself.

Definitely this. He hasn't hated you for 4 years, he hates himself and he's taking it out on you. It's been hours since I read your post and I'm still so steamed at the things that he said to you!

kelseypie

@NurseMommy13‌, at least once a week he brings up the fact that he's sick of me/I'm a selfish bitch/I don't care about him or anyone but myself. He's certainly acted like he was going to leave before (but never as convincing as now) and regularly expresses his disappointment in me as a wife. Every time he gets mad at me for something stupid (ex, not having unloaded the dishwasher before he gets home, or taking attention away from him for 15 min to bottle kombucha, etc.), he takes the opportunity to remind me that I'm an ungrateful asshole who makes his life miserable. Nevermind the fact I work a full time job and pretty much completely take care of W myself.

And thank you to you guys who think I'm pretty! I agree I'm not bad in that picture, but that is in no way a representation of how I look now. I'm 50 lbs heavier, barely have time to put on make up, have hideous glasses that I loathe since LO broke my cute ones, and have awkward transition phase dreads (which I'm seriously considering slathering in conditioner and raking the fuck out). So I appreciate the compliments, but I look more like a condom over-stuffed with grape jelly than that girl in my siggy. Trust me lol, anyone that would want to see me naked probably wpuld have serious, deal-breaking issues!!

nikel13

@kelseypie You should never say that about yourself.  I think that maybe the way he is treating you, which sounds like abuse, is causing you to lose self-esteem.  It is also clear that he is pushing his self-loathing off onto you, which is never fair.  I feel for you.  You deserve a man that will make you feel like a super model everyday.  The fact that YH is doing this to you is inexcusable!  On top of getting some legal assistance, I would look into counseling to help you get back some confidence and self-esteem.  If we need to, we will start a thread that tells you that you are a beautiful, amazing woman and mom everyday to give you that positive affirmations that you are not getting.

GraceInCA

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  Please listen to our resident experts and talk to a lawyer.  It's important to know what your rights are and be prepared in the event he does leave.  You need to protect yourself and your interests.

Also, please stop letting him set the tone for your confrontations. Make it clear that you're ready to have an in depth discussion about your future together (or apart), but it has to happen without insults and anger. If you need to have a neutral 3rd party present, there are some good resources out there for free or low cost counseling. You can't let him railroad you and be in charge of this process.

Best of luck. Everything will be ok.  There are so many single moms out there rocking it.  My best friend is a single mom, and when she first became single it seemed like the world was collapsing, but a very short time later everything is better than it ever was. You'll be just fine mama.

kh59

Two things are obvious to me from your past posts: you clearly care about much more than just yourself, and you are a stylish, beautiful woman (I remember always liking your HDBD pics when we were pregnant!).  As far as future someones who will want to see you naked go, even though it's cheesy, it's true that the good ones will be motivated to be with you because you're a smart, creative, funny, loving person, not because you're a certain size or have a certain hairstyle.  Regardless of how everything turns out between you and your husband, I hope you come out the other side into a situation where you're able to feel secure and comfortable, because you deserve to love yourself and be happy.

kelseypie

To be fair to him, he's never commented negatively on my appearance. He regularly tells me I'm beautiful and sexy (well, not for the last few days obviously, but still). I just know otherwise because we have mirrors in the house.

cynthia2007

Just wanted to send positive vibes your way. Every woman regardless of size or appearance deserves to be loved and that right person to treat you right is out there for everyone. Dont let your YH confuse you on who you are, what you deserve and if he doesn't want to be a part of your lives, he will be the one missing out. Someone earlier said to not let him drive the discussion. You deserve answers. Good luck to you.

kelseypie

Well, coming home to this package definitely improved my mood!

Cricket81

Look at how much that little boy loves you!!!

WasNotWas

Ok, anecdote time, I grew up with two parents who were very depressed and grew to hate each other. It was terrible and awful and my sister and I have had issues with relationships since. It's fine to be selfish and unhappy alone, but you guys have a kid.

Even if you stay together, you both need to get it together and put some positive energy in that house for your kid to see. The way our LOs form relationships in the future are influenced by what they see in their parents. Be the confident woman you want your son to marry someday.

jennOK

^^ I totally agree with above, although I grew up in a different situation. I have parents who have been married 40 years, and I've never seen them fight. I know that they have been through hard times, but I never questioned the stability of our home or family unit. I am thankful every day for the home I was raised in, and I think every child deserves that kind of environment.

Maelara

My dear, whenever anything is going wrong with anybody here or you notice someone is being left out, you are the very first person to say something nice. There have been more than a couple times that I have been dealing with shit or felt left out. You are always there. I feel like you are one of the more amazing women on this board. Your personality is amazing and no matter what size you are or what the scale says you are going to be gorgeous. You just are and always will be.

It sounds like your husband needs some help. He sounds depressed and he's taking it out on you. My husband did this to me when he worked for his father and it led to my own depression. Please don't ever forget you are so loveable. Any other man would be beyond thrilled for you to be his sexy partner.

jennOK

jennOK said:

^^ I totally agree with above, although I grew up in a different situation. I have parents who have been married 40 years, and I've never seen them fight. I know that they have been through hard times, but I never questioned the stability of our home or family unit. I am thankful every day for the home I was raised in, and I think every child deserves that kind of environment.

Clarification: I think that kind of stable environment can also be found in a single-parent home. But, a house with constant fighting and unhappy parents isn't a healthy place for anyone involved. IMO

Thinking of you as you and H work through this and make decisions.

numbersgirl08

Thinking and praying for you!  I second what everyone else has said - you don't deserve to be treated like that and I hope things can get better - whether that is from separating or from reconciling, I hope they are completely different soon.

No longer the best

I've also been thinking about you since I read this post yesterday.  I haven't been able to get it out of mind. 

Girl you need some YOU time desperately to figure out what YOU want  And you HAVE to do something to see yourself in the positive light everyone else sees you in.  It breaks my heart to hear you talk this way! 

I also hope if nothing else you can look at yourself in the mirror and think yeah this kick ass body GREW A HUMAN!! An amazing human and then sustained it!! THAT is beautiful.