Out of Limbo, On to D&C

AMShark

* * * spoiler alert * * *  In case you missed the title, this post does not have a happy ending. It's much more "Game of Thrones" and much less "Full House" in its inability to resolve everything in a neat little package, as perfect as Uncle Jesse's hair.  Whoa!  What's showing more in that last sentence: my age or my bitterness? Ok.  **End of bitter pitty party**

Quick catch up - this is my 1st IVF cycle.  I had a BFP on 1 May, but a too small gestational sac and no sign of heartbeat at my first scan.  I went back in for blood work and a sonogram later in the week, and lo and behold, it looked like some development may have occurred.  Fast forward 2 weeks and 3 scans later and we've gone past slow growth, the formation of a fetal pole, the flicker of a heart beat... and an ever growing yolk sac (which I never knew before was a sign of an abnormal pregnancy), ..... a pregnancy that is slipping ever further behind in development, and a weakening, dying flicker.  Today, my RE extinguished the last bit of hope for this sad pregnancy, and scheduled me for an D&C on Monday.  So, I've got that to look forward to.  (Did I say the pitty party was over?  Maybe I lied).

I'm nervous about the D&C.  I do have another scan scheduled for Friday, to be sure that the heartbeat is really gone, but I've never had much luck at scans.  My RE recommended that we get genetic testing done, but I'm afraid of what I might find.  And if there are chromosomal abnormalities, what conclusions can I draw from that? 

I really don't know how to feel right now.  I've been on such a roller coaster these past few weeks.  I'm hoping the D&C will bring a little closure, so I can move on.  And I'll start moving on with a big glass of wine, and a giant tray of sashimi.

pblge

I'm so sorry. I had ultrasound hell after my IVF #1, and it didn't end well for me, either. It was a really nightmarish experience, and even the full bottle of wine I drank the night they told me the heartbeat had stopped didn't help. The D&C was easy, although I cried through most of the prep. It was good to have it done quickly so that the limbo could end. I didn't have anything frozen either.

Don't feel like you need to bury your grief. It's natural to be devastated and angry, and you should be gentle with yourself. "Pity parties" are totally warranted. Sending you t&p. (((hugs)))

cls78

So sorry. big (((huggs)))

tarala

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Thinking of you...

babydreams13

So sorry!

airidh80

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

If you test for chromosomal abnormalities, and find them, there's not much of a conclusion to be drawn except that the pregnancy would never have been viable. If there are no abnormalities, then there *might* be another issue they could address next time, but since this is your first IVF cycle (and I think first pregnancy?) I wouldn't necessarily leap to that conclusion. 

AMShark

airidh80, thanks for the input.  I wonder if its worth doing the genetic testing at all.  One bad egg, don't spoil the whole bunch (or something like that), right?  I don't know if finding an abnormality will make me more or less anxious... I think more anxious.

Ugh - looks like I'm going to have a seriously bad case of the MON-days next week.  

diamante1181

So sorry love. This won't make it better, but at least you know you are physically capable of becoming pregnant. A lot of if'ers don't make it that far on a first cycle. Big hugs and hope for the future!!

airidh80

AMShark said:

airidh80, thanks for the input.  I wonder if its worth doing the genetic testing at all.  One bad egg, don't spoil the whole bunch (or something like that), right?  I don't know if finding an abnormality will make me more or less anxious... I think more anxious.

  ****** STUCK IN BOX***

Talk it over with your doctor before you make the decision. For what it's worth, finding an abnormality really shouldn't make you any more anxious. It's very, very common. Most first-trimester miscarriages are a result of a chromosomal abnormality, and in almost all cases, it has no bearing on your future potential. Yes, some people have far more complicated circumstances that make it very hard for them to produce healthy embryos, but there's no reason to just assume you're part of that group.

FWIW, on our first go-round, we had HORRIBLE rates of aneuploidy. We were very concerned it was going to be the same on this last cycle, but we ended up with 5 normal blasts out of 6! 

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss T&P

megwill126

I'm so sorry!

Margritli

I am so sorry, lady. It's so hard to have to go through IVF and then have it end sadly. ::huge hugs to you:::

Jetta83306

I am so sorry ((HUGS))

jaztastic

So sorry you had to go through this. I had a D&C with my first IVF pregnancy. It did give me closure for my cycle, but the emotional wound of losing the baby was quite overwhelming. Be good to yourself. 

Do you have plans to cycle again soon? 

AMShark

Thanks to everyone for being so supportive.  @jaztaz1, if all goes well, we're planning to start a new cycle in July.  My RE would like me to go through one menstrual cycle before we start trying again, but at age 37, I'm always counting off time lost in my head.  

"TICK TOCK - TICK TOCK - It's ovarian time bombs, and they could go off at any second!  Save yourselves!"

jen102279

I am so sorry for your loss and frustration.  I had to have a D&C, and it was fast and physically painless.  I also cried during the whole prep. 

AMShark said:

 but at age 37, I'm always counting off time lost in my head.  

"TICK TOCK - TICK TOCK - It's ovarian time bombs, and they could go off at any second!  Save yourselves!"

and you are hilarious! I feel the clock ticking too!