Does it get any easier? BFN, WTF, and cramping

DharmaChick

VENT:  As you all know, the emotional roller coaster of IF just sucks.  I went beta or bust again this cycle, so I over-analyzed every ache and symptom both optimistically and pessimistically.  I waited again until after I got home after work to listen to the voicemail from my RE's office.

**Preg/babies mentioned**

I know that we're extra sensitive to this, but today, I saw a ridiculous number of babies, strollers, and pregnant women. During my lunch break, I went to the supermarket, and turned down an aisle that was blocked by a side-by-side double stroller going one way and and a single one going the other.

So I checked my voicemail tonight, and it was the BFN news.  It was from a different RE than mine, as mine was in surgery, so she mentioned that I should call back to set up a WTF appointment.  I would guess that we will give Femara another shot, or maybe move on to injects. 

I haven't cried yet, though I've bawled every other time.  I'm not sure if I am just jaded, or if I'm a ticking time-bomb of tears, but I think that it's more likely the latter.  I'm sure that something, maybe the conversation with the RE, or some pregnant friend saying or posting something, will set me off.
Anyone find that this process get easier in any way?  Maybe I really am just getting numb to this?

I had much more cramping this cycle, particularly on one side.  I'm not sure what that means, either.

*sigh* Thanks for the vent.

StacyLH24

I'm sorry . I hate to say this, but it doesn't get easier. I don't think so anyway. I have become very jaded and much more pessimistic than my pre-TTC self. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

gsancho

I'm sorry  I don't think it really gets easier...I've gotten pretty jaded, too.  Although at times I feel a little less raw about some of my emotions, so maybe over time I've been more at peace with the idea that we may have to take a very long break.  

jaztastic

Aww fuck... That really sucks and I'm so sorry. I think it's a combination of delayed response and feeling headed. At least that's how I'm feeling these days. Sending you a big hug, and hope your days get a little brighter.

jencity9

I'm sorry. I think it gets sort of harder in a way and know what you mean about feeling jaded but not sure if really you're going to start crying at any time. I will say when I had my wtf appt I felt a renewed hope which was a good feeling. Then when I did the follow up HSG and had bad news I was crushed, and then when I finally accepted the idea of what the new plan will look like I felt (and still do) super excited again. It's a roller coaster for sure. Maybe talking to your RE and getting a new game plan will help you feel more hopeful?

BunnyBerry

I'm sorry. And what an awful traffic jam to be caught in!!

I find jadedness and pessimism to be my friend, especially around AF time. I try not to think about the ramifications of another BFN (will it ever happen for us??), but instead just like, Oh, been there before, whatevs, moving on.

If there is a good cry in there waiting to get out, as you suspect, I hope it reveals itself when you are having some of that awesome cuddly couple time with DH so you don't have to worry about it!

lebradford

This seems to almost perfectly describe my day yesterday. I'm so sorry you had a rough one too. I can't imagine this will get any easier.... I'm sorry. ((hugs))

DharmaChick

@lebradford‌ I'm sorry that your day was like that, too. *Hugs* back at you.

DharmaChick

Well the tears definitely hit... This morning, unfortunately. I woke up just angry - from the frustration and probably PMS. Then I had to try hard to hold back the tears during my commute (I take public transportation, as I work in a city) and now at the office. Hopefully I'm doing a good enough job that it just looks like allergies or a cold.

ETA: Thanks again, ladies. This group is definitely the only place where people truly understand.

MissEm15

I'm so sorry. I def. feel your pain. All you can do is let it out and focus on plans moving forward. There's no reason or excuse, IF just sucks & it's not fair! Hugs!!

Sewfie

I'm sorry, I wish I had better advice on how to handle the news. It's hard not to get jaded and pessimistic. Every 2ww I tell myself that there's no way I'm pregnant, but there's always some hope, and I end up angry at myself. I have a really hard time really experiencing complex, sad emotions, so I just try to keep myself preoccupied with cat pictures/other memes. It helps a little bit.

DharmaChick

Grr... so the appointment is scheduled for next week, on what would likely be CDay5 or 6, because that is her next available day. I let the receptionist know that my cycle will have started by then, so hopefully I'll get a call back from the RE. I don't want to waste this cycle!

rella22

I'm sorry...and honestly I feel like every month gets harder although I find myself reacting less and less to each BFN.  If that makes sense?  This whole road seriously does suck...and I obviously understand that it's worth it but that doesn't make anything easier....

DharmaChick

Agreed. That does make sense, @rella22‌ .

So the nurse called back and said that I should definitely keep the appointment, as the RE will need to discuss moving to injects (fine) or IVF (not ok with DH). However, I should still call on Cday1 if it arrives prior to then (which it should) so that we can squeeze in another cycle on Letrozole or something. *phew*

KRSimmons3

I don't think it gets any easier. After 6 iuis I still want to cry and give up every time. Last time after beta I had my nurse call my husband because even though I knew the result I couldn't take hearing it. Nothing about this process is easy.