Marriage Woes

hopefulmom81

I have noticed that a few of us are feeling "meh" in our relationships.

Let's describe what our general issues are here to get them out in the open.  What are the issues?  Is there anything that could make your relationship better?  What do you think the future holds?

Helenahhandbasket

I am right and he is wrong.

J/K...sort of.

Super short story is that we have realized that we have very different ideas of what a comfortable and happy life looks like.  For me, it involves more disposable income. 

I have told H that he needs to find a better, full time job with future earning potential or he has to move out July 1 (I sad this back on April 1-- there's been no movement on his part).  I am terrified, sad, mad.

FTR- H has a degree in accounting, and right now works two very low paying part time jobs.  We live in an area where employment is plentiful.

Huge hugs to everyone having a hard time with their marriages.

hopefulmom81

DH and I have been together 10 years.  We did 4 hours apart/long distance for 10 months and then immediately moved in together.  We have a great rapport and a great friendship, but I feel like the romance has gone downhill ever since we moved in together.  I sometimes wonder if we are compatible for the long haul and if we didn't just progress our relationship because it was at the right time in our lives (mid twenties).

I feel like I like him a lot and we goof off well together, but I don't feel like he is a HUSBAND, if that makes any sense.  Our relationship has always been kind of "flat", and I am a very passionate/Italian-type person.  I think most people who know me would have matched me up with someone else.

He is your traditional "nice guy", a great father, etc., but there seems to have always been something holding him back from being known.  He doesn't talk a lot about his opinions.  Even his sister was like, "He is just like my dad, and I would have never married my dad".  They are nice guys, but they are just kind of "there".  

I think we could make small improvements by going to therapy and learning what each other needs and actually TRYING to please each other (both of us suck at this).

If we don't change things, I don't see us being together in 10 years  It isn't bad, but it is too dull to justify living the rest of my life like this.

hopefulmom81

lildis09 said:

DH is still in a "me" vs "we" state of mind. He's also in school enrolled in a super hard major...so, always has homework/studying to do. He often becomes distant (for lack of a better word) when he's stressed so with school & always being stressed I tend to sometimes feel neglected. I know he doesn't do it intentionally though. We also have trouble communicating things. He always takes the offensive & seems to think I'm yelling at him/being accusatory whenever I try to bring up an issue. I think once he's out of school things will get better. But for right now I just keep putting patches on things. Discussing as they come up, but it doesn't always mean things change.

See, for us, it was always an excuse.  "Oh, DH is in school", or "I am working a crappy time consuming job", it seems like the time is never right to really be compatible, so I am starting to wonder if maybe it isn't the external factors and is just US not being great together.

hopefulmom81

Helenahhandbasket said:

I am right and he is wrong.

J/K...sort of.

Super short story is that we have realized that we have very different ideas of what a comfortable and happy life looks like.  For me, it involves more disposable income. 

I have told H that he needs to find a better, full time job with future earning potential or he has to move out July 1 (I sad this back on April 1-- there's been no movement on his part).  I am terrified, sad, mad.

FTR- H has a degree in accounting, and right now works two very low paying part time jobs.  We live in an area where employment is plentiful.

Huge hugs to everyone having a hard time with their marriages.

I just can't imagine being okay with things being tight financially.   What do you think is holding him back?

jellybean529

Mine fell apart because my XH decided he wanted an open marriage, but forgot to tell me, so he got to have all the fun and I was in the dark. :-P 

That's not really all there was to it, but that was the large brick that broke the camel's back. There were a ton of mitigating factors -- the largest of which I think was when he applied for the job he took in MA without even talking to me about it, and just basically assumed I'd be along for the ride...so I wound up uprooting my entire life (born and raised in FL, had been working a job I loved for 10 years, close to family, etc) because he did that on a whim. And then 18 months later he had the "other woman". And then I gave him a second chance. And six months later he did it again.

Obviously my situation is different from most of you ladies because we're truly done. But I will say, for any of you who are unhappy...you deserve respect and happiness.

hopefulmom81

jellybean529 said:

Mine fell apart because my XH decided he wanted an open marriage, but forgot to tell me, so he got to have all the fun and I was in the dark. :-P 

That's not really all there was to it, but that was the large brick that broke the camel's back. There were a ton of mitigating factors -- the largest of which I think was when he applied for the job he took in MA without even talking to me about it, and just basically assumed I'd be along for the ride...so I wound up uprooting my entire life (born and raised in FL, had been working a job I loved for 10 years, close to family, etc) because he did that on a whim. And then 18 months later he had the "other woman". And then I gave him a second chance. And six months later he did it again.

Obviously my situation is different from most of you ladies because we're truly done. But I will say, for any of you who are unhappy...you deserve respect and happiness.

Sweet Lord, I am SO sorry you went through all of that.  It is crazy what people put each other through

Helenahhandbasket

hopefulmom81 said:

DH and I have been together 10 years.  We did 4 hours apart/long distance for 10 months and then immediately moved in together.  We have a great rapport and a great friendship, but I feel like the romance has gone downhill ever since we moved in together.  I sometimes wonder if we are compatible for the long haul and if we didn't just progress our relationship because it was at the right time in our lives (mid twenties).

I feel like I like him a lot and we goof off well together, but I don't feel like he is a HUSBAND, if that makes any sense.  Our relationship has always been kind of "flat", and I am a very passionate/Italian-type person.  I think most people who know me would have matched me up with someone else.

He is your traditional "nice guy", a great father, etc., but there seems to have always been something holding him back from being known.  He doesn't talk a lot about his opinions.  Even his sister was like, "He is just like my dad, and I would have never married my dad".  They are nice guys, but they are just kind of "there".  

I think we could make small improvements by going to therapy and learning what each other needs and actually TRYING to please each other (both of us suck at this).

If we don't change things, I don't see us being together in 10 years  It isn't bad, but it is too dull to justify living the rest of my life like this.

We are married to the same guy.

No opinions-- just like my dad.  I have opinions on EVERYTHING.

My friends have also said that they think we are an odd match.

JackoftheBox

My relationship isn't on the rocks  per say but my husband has a very bland strict sense of humor. Like for example he will act like a complete ass over me having a few drinks with my BFF (at her house at a bbq mind you). So then when i say i'm ready to go when he is he gets all butthurt and says "i was just giving you some shit!".... Really? b/c it didn't seem like that.

He always has this cocky attitude about him and I feel like i'm walking on eggshells a lot. He always says he's joking but shit i can only take so many jokes KWIM? 

To you other ladies my love tits = hugs. 

Helenahhandbasket

hopefulmom81 said:

Helenahhandbasket said:

I am right and he is wrong.

J/K...sort of.

Super short story is that we have realized that we have very different ideas of what a comfortable and happy life looks like.  For me, it involves more disposable income. 

I have told H that he needs to find a better, full time job with future earning potential or he has to move out July 1 (I sad this back on April 1-- there's been no movement on his part).  I am terrified, sad, mad.

FTR- H has a degree in accounting, and right now works two very low paying part time jobs.  We live in an area where employment is plentiful.

Huge hugs to everyone having a hard time with their marriages.

I just can't imagine being okay with things being tight financially.   What do you think is holding him back?

He's depressed, but refuses to get help for it.

I understand depression.  I was dx with clinical depression as a teen and have been on and off meds for longere then not.  (I am currently not taking anything, but I probably should be).

Having a problem is one thing.  Not doing what is necessary/ not being willing to fix the problem is another.

All of this, combined with a shit ton of other stuff has literally changed the way I feel about him as a husband.

JackoftheBox

hopefulmom81 said:

DH and I have been together 10 years.  We did 4 hours apart/long distance for 10 months and then immediately moved in together.  We have a great rapport and a great friendship, but I feel like the romance has gone downhill ever since we moved in together.  I sometimes wonder if we are compatible for the long haul and if we didn't just progress our relationship because it was at the right time in our lives (mid twenties).

I feel like I like him a lot and we goof off well together, but I don't feel like he is a HUSBAND, if that makes any sense.  Our relationship has always been kind of "flat", and I am a very passionate/Italian-type person.  I think most people who know me would have matched me up with someone else.

He is your traditional "nice guy", a great father, etc., but there seems to have always been something holding him back from being known.  He doesn't talk a lot about his opinions.  Even his sister was like, "He is just like my dad, and I would have never married my dad".  They are nice guys, but they are just kind of "there".  

I think we could make small improvements by going to therapy and learning what each other needs and actually TRYING to please each other (both of us suck at this).

If we don't change things, I don't see us being together in 10 years  It isn't bad, but it is too dull to justify living the rest of my life like this.

I wish my DH would goof off more. Maybe our DH's need to trade a few traits and even each other out?  

Helenahhandbasket

In case it's not clear-- my love tits are hugs

jellybean529

hopefulmom81 said:

jellybean529 said:

Mine fell apart because my XH decided he wanted an open marriage, but forgot to tell me, so he got to have all the fun and I was in the dark. :-P 

That's not really all there was to it, but that was the large brick that broke the camel's back. There were a ton of mitigating factors -- the largest of which I think was when he applied for the job he took in MA without even talking to me about it, and just basically assumed I'd be along for the ride...so I wound up uprooting my entire life (born and raised in FL, had been working a job I loved for 10 years, close to family, etc) because he did that on a whim. And then 18 months later he had the "other woman". And then I gave him a second chance. And six months later he did it again.

Obviously my situation is different from most of you ladies because we're truly done. But I will say, for any of you who are unhappy...you deserve respect and happiness.

Sweet Lord, I am SO sorry you went through all of that.  It is crazy what people put each other through

Thank you. It really is crazy. We were together for 13 years. Would have been married 9 years this year if we had made it. If you'd have asked me 13 years ago...or even 10 years ago...that this is where I'd be, I'd have said you're nuts.

That said...we were young when we met (he was 18, I was 21), young when we married (he was 22, I had just turned 25) and he just never grew up. He's 31 now and still acts like a bratty, entitled, self-centered teenager.

On the plus side, it's now been 9 months since we split up and I'm starting to see the benefits. Like...I had a dream last weekend where I was dating a guy and he proposed and it just felt right. Like now I have all these dreams to look forward to. I still mourn for the loss of the life I had been planning. But I know there are good things ahead.

hopefulmom81

Helenahhandbasket said:

hopefulmom81 said:

Helenahhandbasket said:

I am right and he is wrong.

J/K...sort of.

Super short story is that we have realized that we have very different ideas of what a comfortable and happy life looks like.  For me, it involves more disposable income. 

I have told H that he needs to find a better, full time job with future earning potential or he has to move out July 1 (I sad this back on April 1-- there's been no movement on his part).  I am terrified, sad, mad.

FTR- H has a degree in accounting, and right now works two very low paying part time jobs.  We live in an area where employment is plentiful.

Huge hugs to everyone having a hard time with their marriages.

I just can't imagine being okay with things being tight financially.   What do you think is holding him back?

He's depressed, but refuses to get help for it.

I understand depression.  I was dx with clinical depression as a teen and have been on and off meds for longere then not.  (I am currently not taking anything, but I probably should be).

Having a problem is one thing.  Not doing what is necessary/ not being willing to fix the problem is another.

All of this, combined with a shit ton of other stuff has literally changed the way I feel about him as a husband.

Okay, so we are married to the same guy.

The issue for DH is anxiety.   So, I get frustrated feeling like I have busted my butt working on my own issues, therapy, Zoloft, etc. and come more to the middle on the boring to crazy line, and he has just sat on the boring side, unwilling to do any work on himself.

jellybean529

Helenahhandbasket said:

hopefulmom81 said:

Helenahhandbasket said:

I am right and he is wrong.

J/K...sort of.

Super short story is that we have realized that we have very different ideas of what a comfortable and happy life looks like.  For me, it involves more disposable income. 

I have told H that he needs to find a better, full time job with future earning potential or he has to move out July 1 (I sad this back on April 1-- there's been no movement on his part).  I am terrified, sad, mad.

FTR- H has a degree in accounting, and right now works two very low paying part time jobs.  We live in an area where employment is plentiful.

Huge hugs to everyone having a hard time with their marriages.

I just can't imagine being okay with things being tight financially.   What do you think is holding him back?

He's depressed, but refuses to get help for it.

I understand depression.  I was dx with clinical depression as a teen and have been on and off meds for longere then not.  (I am currently not taking anything, but I probably should be).

Having a problem is one thing.  Not doing what is necessary/ not being willing to fix the problem is another.

All of this, combined with a shit ton of other stuff has literally changed the way I feel about him as a husband.

I really do hope he gets some help. I was DX with depression too (currently on meds/in therapy) and it's hard, but I bet you anything if he went and got treatment you'd get your H back. It's sad that he won't. Nobody should have to suffer. And you can only do so much to help him...he's got to want it for himself. XOXO

Helenahhandbasket

lildis09 said:

I am right and he is wrong.

J/K...sort of.

Super short story is that we have realized that we have very different ideas of what a comfortable and happy life looks like.  For me, it involves more disposable income. 

I have told H that he needs to find a better, full time job with future earning potential or he has to move out July 1 (I sad this back on April 1-- there's been no movement on his part).  I am terrified, sad, mad.

FTR- H has a degree in accounting, and right now works two very low paying part time jobs.  We live in an area where employment is plentiful.

Huge hugs to everyone having a hard time with their marriages.

Maybe he won't believe it until he's kicked out?

Maybe.  I guess only time will tell.  I am not backing down though.

TittsMcGee

Before I got married one of my really good friends told me to never get married. She was married at that time and I thought she was weird for telling me that. Now that I am married I am finally starting to realize that marriage really is hard work, not that I ever thought it would be easy.

I am in no way, shape or form perfect but H is so difficult to deal with.We are both stubborn, strong willed individuals and we constantly butt heads. If I weren't the one letting things go and being the flexible one, we'd be over with long before DS was born.

I'd say that financially we're okay, we aren't rich but we aren't poor either, we make it work with what we have so that's never been an issue.

One other main issue with us is communication. He considers that I am trying to boss him around if I ask him to help out or tell him to do something. I started wording it differently and that's helping some  but we definitely need to communicate more effectively for the sake of our relationship and DS.

He's a great husband/father and we have a good marriage but it does require hard work from both of us.

Chapter79

I feel like I shouldn't be invading this post, because my marriage is going on 10 years and we're happy and in a super good spot.

But I'm chiming in because it was not always like this, so I feel for all of you!  We hit a VERY rough patch (that included cheating) when DD was 1 years old. It was a HARD year and one of the worst of my life. The next year was very hard, also.  But we were able to work through it, I was able to forgive, we had heartfelt talks and time alone.. and I can honestly say we are now stronger than ever and truly happy.  But it took a lot of work to get there, and many rough patches.  

So while my marriage is good now, it's not always been.   I DON'T believe everyone can work through their problems, though, I'm just lucky we could.   I will say I believe everyone here deserves happiness and respect (and etc etc) and I'm so sorry so many of you are struggling right now with marriages.

And big giant HUGSSSS to all of you!

Helenahhandbasket

I want to say that I think a lot more people have marital issues then are willing to admit-- in general-- not here.

Marriage has been about a thousand times harder than I ever imagined and I give full credit to anyone that can make it work for life. 

JackoftheBox

Helenahhandbasket said:

I want to say that I think a lot more people have marital issues then are willing to admit-- in general-- not here.

Marriage has been about a thousand times harder than I ever imagined and I give full credit to anyone that can make it work for life. 

I think your right. People just don't like to "air out" their dirty laundry. 

This goes hand in hand with raising a child for me anyway. I knew it would be hard, but it is the hardest thing i have done in my life. It's kinda funny b/c my DH takes it like it is no biggie... when i thought he would be the one freaking out! 

PB102012

@jellybean529 I am so sorry you went through that, that's awful.

 

DH and I are in a good place now. We struggled a lot through the newborn phase. Having a child enter our lives was by far harder than he thought it would be. Since she is a little more independent now he has done a complete 180 which I am incredibly grateful for.

TittsMcGee

JackoftheBox said:

I think your right. People just don't like to "air out" their dirty laundry. 

This goes hand in hand with raising a child for me anyway. I knew it would be hard, but it is the hardest thing i have done in my life. It's kinda funny b/c my DH takes it like it is no biggie... when i thought he would be the one freaking out! 

I guess my H is kind of like this too. But you know why we're the ones stressing out. I am a perfectionist by nature and I want everything done perfectly while my H can settle down with not perfect.

For example before he agreed for us to hire cleaning help twice a month I told him he'd either need to pitch in with deep cleaning or I wouldn't clean either. I was reaching my breaking point. He wanted to know why I needed the house to be clean all the time. I didn't need it clean all the time, but he'd be okay with dirty  floors, dirty dishes in the sink, dirty bathroom, dirty sheets and linens while I am not.

 To be honest most women are not only mothers and wives but we're also chefs, house maids, nurses and not to mention most work outside of home.

Throw in an illness and financial issues and couples just drift apart. At the end of the day H and I rarely spend alone time. Heck I cant remember the last time we went out on a date to reconnect and relax and enjoy alone time.

Sorry I know I am rambling but marriage really is much harder than I had imagined it to be.

JackoftheBox

TittsMcGee said:

JackoftheBox said:

I think your right. People just don't like to "air out" their dirty laundry. 

This goes hand in hand with raising a child for me anyway. I knew it would be hard, but it is the hardest thing i have done in my life. It's kinda funny b/c my DH takes it like it is no biggie... when i thought he would be the one freaking out! 

I guess my H is kind of like this too. But you know why we're the ones stressing out. I am a perfectionist by nature and I want everything done perfectly while my H can settle down with not perfect.

For example before he agreed for us to hire cleaning help twice a month I told him he'd either need to pitch in with deep cleaning or I wouldn't clean either. I was reaching my breaking point. He wanted to know why I needed the house to be clean all the time. I didn't need it clean all the time, but he'd be okay with dirty  floors, dirty dishes in the sink, dirty bathroom, dirty sheets and linens while I am not.

 To be honest most women are not only mothers and wives but we're also chefs, house maids, nurses and not to mention most work outside of home.

Throw in an illness and financial issues and couples just drift apart. At the end of the day H and I rarely spend alone time. Heck I cant remember the last time we went out on a date to reconnect and relax and enjoy alone time.

Sorry I know I am rambling but marriage really is much harder than I had imagined it to be.

Preach sister!! If i didn't grocery shop and cook IDK what DH and DS would eat. I swear he thinks our kitchen has a magical chef that cooks every night. Also maids. DH will comment on how dirty someones bathroom is if he has been at a friends house. I want to be like UMM WHO DO YOU THINK CLEANS OURS? It's not the magical scrubbing bubbles people! Oh and FYI toilet paper doesn't just appear in the cabinet nor does the dishwasher load, wash, and unload it's self.... 

ON TOP OF 40+ hours a week on at a job i don't like.... ugh ok now i am just venting.

WAIT one more. So the other day i had drawn DS a bath. He was in there and DH was on the couch. I needed to use the restroom so i yell "hey can you come in here a min?" He replies "just go in there it's no big deal!" UMM HELLO i just want 5 FREAKING mins to pee by myself ALONE. JFC!! 

TittsMcGee

JackoftheBox said:

WAIT one more. So the other day i had drawn DS a bath. He was in there and DH was on the couch. I needed to use the restroom so i yell "hey can you come in here a min?" He replies "just go in there it's no big deal!" UMM HELLO i just want 5 FREAKING mins to pee by myself ALONE. JFC!! 

Mine was more of a vent too.

Another reason why our marriage struggled for a while was because H doesn't really see or appreciate how much I do.

He'd flip out if I'd ask him to give DS  a bath while I clean up after dinner and do the dishes. He'd tell me "oh just do it when you're finished with that". Um okay sure, I'll do that while you lay on couch watching TV.

That would turn into me being resentful and not wanting to do anything intimate with him, I mean why would I when he doesn't bother with helping around the house or DS.

I guess I wanted him to appreciate and acknowledged just how hard I work. Giving someone praise and appreciation really goes a long way. Most married couples don't do this.

bloverde

We have great chemistry, and I love him. He makes me laugh. He's a fantastic father. He just spends all our money on himself. And I'm a saver, so it infuriates me.

Helenahhandbasket

TittsMcGee said:

JackoftheBox said:

I think your right. People just don't like to "air out" their dirty laundry. 

This goes hand in hand with raising a child for me anyway. I knew it would be hard, but it is the hardest thing i have done in my life. It's kinda funny b/c my DH takes it like it is no biggie... when i thought he would be the one freaking out! 

I guess my H is kind of like this too. But you know why we're the ones stressing out. I am a perfectionist by nature and I want everything done perfectly while my H can settle down with not perfect.

For example before he agreed for us to hire cleaning help twice a month I told him he'd either need to pitch in with deep cleaning or I wouldn't clean either. I was reaching my breaking point. He wanted to know why I needed the house to be clean all the time. I didn't need it clean all the time, but he'd be okay with dirty  floors, dirty dishes in the sink, dirty bathroom, dirty sheets and linens while I am not.

 To be honest most women are not only mothers and wives but we're also chefs, house maids, nurses and not to mention most work outside of home.

Throw in an illness and financial issues and couples just drift apart. At the end of the day H and I rarely spend alone time. Heck I cant remember the last time we went out on a date to reconnect and relax and enjoy alone time.

Sorry I know I am rambling but marriage really is much harder than I had imagined it to be.

LOL @ chefs.

I am a chef in the same sense that Chef Boyardee is a chef

TittsMcGee

Helenahhandbasket said:
LOL @ chefs.

I am a chef in the same sense that Chef Boyardee is a chef

I am no where being a chef but H likes home cooked food and I stress out about DS eating so I try to cook our meals as much as possible.

Granted I control this and can cook less but we already spend a lot on groceries even with me cooking.

I use the crock pot a lot but it still requires a lot of preparation and planning.

Helenahhandbasket

TittsMcGee said:

Helenahhandbasket said:
LOL @ chefs.

I am a chef in the same sense that Chef Boyardee is a chef

I am no where being a chef but H likes home cooked food and I stress out about DS eating so I try to cook our meals as much as possible.

Granted I control this and can cook less but we already spend a lot on groceries even with me cooking.

I use the crock pot a lot but it still requires a lot of preparation and planning.

You are awesome.

I don't cook at all.

JackoftheBox

Ummm i cook like a mother fucker. Lol

[Deleted User]

Hugs to all.
This post is so timely. DH are in a really bad place right now. I've taken him to a couple of my therapy appts and they've helped, but I had to cancel our last one a couple if months ago and things have gotten worse. He set up an appt with another counselor for later this week and I'm going to see my therapist more regularly. I really hope we can get through this.
Basically I have been dealing with post partum mental illness and DH has not handled it well. He's borne the brunt of my emotional instability so I can't really blame him. But he also kind of still doesn't think mental illness is a real thing, I think, and is very confused about what I'm going through. I used to think he was my soul mate and now I feel like he doesn't understand me at all.
He has his own issues but won't acknowledge them or get help for them. I think he just wants everything to be like it was before we had DS, and that's just not going to happen. I feel like he thinks I just need to be "fixed." He doesn't understand that I'm a different person now.
Marriage is hard.

DiveFrog

jellybean529 said:

Helenahhandbasket said:

hopefulmom81 said:

Helenahhandbasket said:

I am right and he is wrong.

J/K...sort of.

Super short story is that we have realized that we have very different ideas of what a comfortable and happy life looks like.  For me, it involves more disposable income. 

I have told H that he needs to find a better, full time job with future earning potential or he has to move out July 1 (I sad this back on April 1-- there's been no movement on his part).  I am terrified, sad, mad.

FTR- H has a degree in accounting, and right now works two very low paying part time jobs.  We live in an area where employment is plentiful.

Huge hugs to everyone having a hard time with their marriages.

I just can't imagine being okay with things being tight financially.   What do you think is holding him back?

He's depressed, but refuses to get help for it.

I understand depression.  I was dx with clinical depression as a teen and have been on and off meds for longere then not.  (I am currently not taking anything, but I probably should be).

Having a problem is one thing.  Not doing what is necessary/ not being willing to fix the problem is another.

All of this, combined with a shit ton of other stuff has literally changed the way I feel about him as a husband.

I really do hope he gets some help. I was DX with depression too (currently on meds/in therapy) and it's hard, but I bet you anything if he went and got treatment you'd get your H back. It's sad that he won't. Nobody should have to suffer. And you can only do so much to help him...he's got to want it for himself. XOXO

I agree to a point. Having grown up in a family rife with depression and anxiety, I know first hand how difficult it is to be the support, the non depressed half of a relationship. But, from these experiences I also know setting unrealistic ultimatums doesn't work. Telling him he needs to basically turn his life around in 12weeks, or he needs to move out isn't going to motivate a clinically depressed person. In fact, most of the time it would seem so insurmountable a task that it would drive them further into their depression.

Maybe, possibly, if she truly still loved him and wanted the best for him she could confront him about the depression, make a Dr. appointment for him, offer to go with him to the dr. apt, impress upon him that he needs to do this for their family. To get help, to TRY and get better. Those things can happen in a month to 2 months time. And if he refused these acts to help him, then yes she may not have any other choice then to end it.

However, from the posts I've seen it seems like a LOT more is going on then just the depression and there is truly no love in the relationship any longer.

DiveFrog

TittsMcGee said:

JackoftheBox said:

WAIT one more. So the other day i had drawn DS a bath. He was in there and DH was on the couch. I needed to use the restroom so i yell "hey can you come in here a min?" He replies "just go in there it's no big deal!" UMM HELLO i just want 5 FREAKING mins to pee by myself ALONE. JFC!! 

Mine was more of a vent too.

Another reason why our marriage struggled for a while was because H doesn't really see or appreciate how much I do.

He'd flip out if I'd ask him to give DS  a bath while I clean up after dinner and do the dishes. He'd tell me "oh just do it when you're finished with that". Um okay sure, I'll do that while you lay on couch watching TV.

That would turn into me being resentful and not wanting to do anything intimate with him, I mean why would I when he doesn't bother with helping around the house or DS.

I guess I wanted him to appreciate and acknowledged just how hard I work. Giving someone praise and appreciation really goes a long way. Most married couples don't do this.

It's something that I struggle with a LOT, because DH likes ALL his efforts, and everything he does acknowledged verbally. I just didn't grow up in that type of family, and I definitely don't need or expect it. It feels somewhat childish to constantly tell him "thank you" for every little thing he does to take care of our household, like he is doing me a favor. These things are NOT favors we are EQUAL partners. 

Personally, all I need is DH to pull his weight and I will do my share. Constant acknowledgement isn't necessary, because I know he gets it, because he is pitching in and doing his share too.   

Helenahhandbasket

@divefrog-- if you read my previous posts, we BOTH have depression issues.  I was DX as a teen and have been struggling all my life, both on and off medication, dealing with insomnia and GAD.

H and I have been dealing with this (his declining ability to function) for 3 years.  OBVIOULSY I don't expect him to come around in 12 weeks, but if he doesn't do something soon (take steps to get a full time job is what I am asking-- go on a few interviews and show me you are trying)  we are in danger of possibly losing our home.  That is not OK with me.

See, this is why I don't typically share my marital problems, because there's always someone that has some judgy crap to say.

You don't know the whole story.  I am EXTREMELY sensitive to mental health issues so I really don't appreciate your comments.

Sorry to be harsh, but this thread was not about telling each other what we should or should not be doing in our respective relationships.  It was about venting and giving and getting support FFS.

Helenahhandbasket

Also, why the eff are you calling me "she"???  I am right here.

Helenahhandbasket

Thanks @yellowwallpaper12-- I needed that!  My blood was boiling a bit.

 

jellybean529

Helenahhandbasket said:

@divefrog-- if you read my previous posts, we BOTH have depression issues.  I was DX as a teen and have been struggling all my life, both on and off medication, dealing with insomnia and GAD.

H and I have been dealing with this (his declining ability to function) for 3 years.  OBVIOULSY I don't expect him to come around in 12 weeks, but if he doesn't do something soon (take steps to get a full time job is what I am asking-- go on a few interviews and show me you are trying)  we are in danger of possibly losing our home.  That is not OK with me.

See, this is why I don't typically share my marital problems, because there's always someone that has some judgy crap to say.

You don't know the whole story.  I am EXTREMELY sensitive to mental health issues so I really don't appreciate your comments.

Sorry to be harsh, but this thread was not about telling each other what we should or should not be doing in our respective relationships.  It was about venting and giving and getting support FFS.

Totally with you, 110%. I'm sorry for that comment. Your posts over the past couple months have indicated that you and your H have been working hard on this issue, it's not like you're just throwing in the towel. Creepy internet hugs.

TittsMcGee

DiveFrog said:

I guess I wanted him to appreciate and acknowledged just how hard I work. Giving someone praise and appreciation really goes a long way. Most married couples don't do this.

It's something that I struggle with a LOT, because DH likes ALL his efforts, and everything he does acknowledged verbally. I just didn't grow up in that type of family, and I definitely don't need or expect it. It feels somewhat childish to constantly tell him "thank you" for every little thing he does to take care of our household, like he is doing me a favor. These things are NOT favors we are EQUAL partners. 

Personally, all I need is DH to pull his weight and I will do my share. Constant acknowledgement isn't necessary, because I know he gets it, because he is pitching in and doing his share too.   

The problem with us is H doesn't do his share so its me doing most of the work most of the time. He works in a high stress field and travels a lot so I cut him some slack but I wish he'd acknowledged that I keep the household running smoothly when he's gone. He doesn't so in turn I don't feel appreciated. I am not a person who needs praise all the time but a "you're doing a great job" would be nice.

hopefulmom81

DiveFrog said:

jellybean529 said:

Helenahhandbasket said:

hopefulmom81 said:

Helenahhandbasket said:

I am right and he is wrong.

J/K...sort of.

Super short story is that we have realized that we have very different ideas of what a comfortable and happy life looks like.  For me, it involves more disposable income. 

I have told H that he needs to find a better, full time job with future earning potential or he has to move out July 1 (I sad this back on April 1-- there's been no movement on his part).  I am terrified, sad, mad.

FTR- H has a degree in accounting, and right now works two very low paying part time jobs.  We live in an area where employment is plentiful.

Huge hugs to everyone having a hard time with their marriages.

I just can't imagine being okay with things being tight financially.   What do you think is holding him back?

He's depressed, but refuses to get help for it.

I understand depression.  I was dx with clinical depression as a teen and have been on and off meds for longere then not.  (I am currently not taking anything, but I probably should be).

Having a problem is one thing.  Not doing what is necessary/ not being willing to fix the problem is another.

All of this, combined with a shit ton of other stuff has literally changed the way I feel about him as a husband.

I really do hope he gets some help. I was DX with depression too (currently on meds/in therapy) and it's hard, but I bet you anything if he went and got treatment you'd get your H back. It's sad that he won't. Nobody should have to suffer. And you can only do so much to help him...he's got to want it for himself. XOXO

I agree to a point. Having grown up in a family rife with depression and anxiety, I know first hand how difficult it is to be the support, the non depressed half of a relationship. But, from these experiences I also know setting unrealistic ultimatums doesn't work. Telling him he needs to basically turn his life around in 12weeks, or he needs to move out isn't going to motivate a clinically depressed person. In fact, most of the time it would seem so insurmountable a task that it would drive them further into their depression.

Maybe, possibly, if she truly still loved him and wanted the best for him she could confront him about the depression, make a Dr. appointment for him, offer to go with him to the dr. apt, impress upon him that he needs to do this for their family. To get help, to TRY and get better. Those things can happen in a month to 2 months time. And if he refused these acts to help him, then yes she may not have any other choice then to end it.

However, from the posts I've seen it seems like a LOT more is going on then just the depression and there is truly no love in the relationship any longer.

Helenahhandbasket

Thanks so much @Jellybean529 and @lildis09 for the support.

Sorry to be a little bit of a drama queen here, but comments like that hit home to me.  I don't have the support of my family (they think I am "giving up" ) and I am honestly petrified of losing all of my IRL friends that are married if H and I decide to split.

 

jellybean529

Helenahhandbasket said:

Thanks so much @Jellybean529 and @lildis09 for the support.

Sorry to be a little bit of a drama queen here, but comments like that hit home to me.  I don't have the support of my family (they think I am "giving up" ) and I am honestly petrified of losing all of my IRL friends that are married if H and I decide to split.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that.

It'd be one thing if he was really trying to get help and really trying to do what needs to be done for the security of your family. But he's not. You've been trying, you've done the counseling, you've done the encouraging. At a certain point, you have to do what's right for you and your DD, whether your H has a mental illness or not. And, sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they will turn it around. Leaving doesn't HAVE to mean forever, It can just mean for right now. And it doesn't mean you're giving up. 

TittsMcGee

Helenahhandbasket said:

Thanks @yellowwallpaper12-- I needed that!  My blood was boiling a bit.

 

@helenahhandbasket **hugs**

I know you didn't come to that decision lightly. Hugs to everyone going through marital problems.