My almost 5 yr old DD gets reports from preschool teachers about how nice she is, how she plays so nicely w/ all different kids ,etc etc. At home she is completely different and is outright rude to other kids who come to our house or whose houses we go to. When she was younger I'd chalk it up to being a little shy or slow to warm up to new situations but this weekend I am sort of beside myself, we went to the homes of 2 different families whose kids she has played with multiple times, at our house and theirs. She refuses to say hello, won't look at them, glues herself to my side, when I try to take her to where the other kids are she won't go play with them, etc. I will say, DD, say hello to "Jane", and she will outright say- NO, make a face and turn away. I try to talk to her about how this is not nice, they've played and had so much fun before, how her feelings would be hurt if someone came to our house & di dthat to her (except she does it even when they come to our house). She has a twin brother who runs right in & plays with whoever. I get that she is slower to warm up but as she is getting older it isn't getting better and it is not like she has not been around other kids her whole life, she has been in daycare/preschool since 5 months old full time and frequently has playdates and activities on the weekends. After an hour or so she will finally play with the other kids and always reports back about how much fun she had, etc. I tell her she can either play with the kids or sit and play by herself quietly while I talk to the adults but she continues to glue herself to me and whine and ask me to play with her (I don't), etc.
She is like this in many other ways as well but when she is hurtful & rude to other kids it is so embarrassing and I feel badly for the other kids. I know we can just leave if she acts that way as a consequence but then her brother gets the short end of the stick too, and if the friends have prepared food & all that stuff, I feel like we can't just leave. Today we are going to a neighbor's and I am going to tell her ahead of time that we will go home if she is not nice, and see how it goes, since going home is easy and maybe she'll get the message more.
Any advice or strategies?