advice wanted!

gmj0101

I am currently 11 weeks pregnant and the dad wants nothing to do with being a father because he isn't ready, like most 23 year old boys. But he wants me to lie and say I don't know who the dad is so that he doesn't have to pay child support. I want to ask him to sign over his rights but my family (big brothers mostly) don't think i should let him get away with that. He wanted me to get an abortion which I couldn't do, so I feel like he should get some say in where he stands. Is that completely insane to "let him off the hook" like that? Had anybody else been in this situation?

MinnesotaMomma91

Okay let me start by saying age shouldnt matter. If hes old enough to have sex and make a baby hes old enough to support a child. Which leads me to my next points. You cant sign the other parents rights away without another parent lined up to adopt. And you shouldnt feel that you should sign his rights away. He owes your child the finacial support. And that isnt just my opion, that is opion of the state.

Finally, hugs and welcome to the board

freeatlast2014

This guy is delusional, wanting you to lie. Get a paternity test if you have to but go after him for what he owes you to care for his child.

Welcome!

20thirteen

I'm one of very few who let my BD "off the hook".

My situation is this:

BD and I dated 4 years, we found out I was pregnant, about a month later he dumped me because: the pregnancy would change my body, he's not ready to be a father, I wouldn't get an abortion, etc. He actually had been cheating on me. With a psycho stalking cunt with a 1year old who he then played daddy to for 6mo or so before she left him for a guy in prison. I only mention stalking because she did stalk me for a while. I digress...

I chose to keep him off the birth certificate and told him I wanted NOTHING from him. I have not filed for CS, even if I did, I wouldn't get much of anything worth anything. He has/had no job "on the books" (primary income is drug dealing). And I've been able to manage financially so far with a little help here and there from my parents. He has contacted me 3 or 4 times because he "desperately had to see her". I have only allowed it to keep peace with his mother (long story).

Anyway, I have been able to make things work without him. If you think you can do this without him, do it. You can change your mind (but you might not get back child support). He can't sign his rights away unless there is someone going to adopt your LO. Feel free to PM me if you'd like. I might not see it right away because I'm mostly mobile but I'll see it eventually.

Welcome to the board.

freeatlast2014

My dad was left off my birth certificate and never had visitation or paid support. But I still think my mom was nuts for not going after him. @Roxalot‌ raises good points and shares many of the same ideas my own mom had and she has no regrets and did just fine on her own too.

20thirteen

People think I'm nuts, too. But filing for CS could open you up to visitation if he changes his mind and that could be contentious and ruthless. And more painful than its worth. I have a BF now, BD doesn't like that I have someone else who has been daddy since DD was born, but there's nothing he can do about it without taking me to court and opening himself up to CS that he can't pay. She'll know of him one day, but she just won't know him. She'll learn of all the nothing he's done for us and hopefully understand my decisions.

gmj0101

Your responses are very helpful! I was told if I don't have the BD on the birth certificate or have him pay CS my LO won't get insurance? any truth to this?

MinnesotaMomma91

Yeah theres some truth. If hes not on the birth certificate its up to his discretion to pay for insurance. In my child support order bf has to supply insurance. I dont know if that is standard or not as my bd was with the military and had tricare.

20thirteen

Allkidscovered.com, your LO can be covered without him. You can, too. I'm not sure if its for the pregnancy only or not, you'd have to look into it. I have DD covered under this insurance.

designchica

@Roxalot, thank you for posting that.  I see that they also offer insurance to pregnant moms during their pregnancy and for 60 days after labor which is amazing as I am on the brink of possibly losing my job and I have been totally freaked out about how I will pay for my cobra.    

I am in Colorado, and I found what seems to be the equivalent of the Illinois program you posted. 

20thirteen

I just replied to your message, lol.  I hope you don't lose your job, that's awful, why are you on the brink? (if you don't mind me asking...)

I'm glad I can help.  There are lots of websites also for cheap baby deals or you can sign up for amazon mom and subscribe for diapers, wipes, etc. for relatively cheap and it comes with free amazon prime membership.  

MinnesotaMomma91

Also to add onto what @roxalot said, buy second hand for what you can.

And with what @beccaga16 said, my bd is supposed to pay for child support but he probably wont go for any custody or visitation. But a lot of these things just arent worth stressing out about now. Seek the advice of a lawyer, and enjoy your pregnancy, and i secobd what becca said about telling your family you dont want him involved if he doesnt want to be involved

20thirteen

Yes! Thrift stores! They have many treasures!

MinnesotaMomma91

And craigs list, mommy swap groups on facebook, also garage sale season is upon us

tig594

Personally, I'd make him pay. Your child deserves it.  Just because he has to pay CS doesn't mean he will for sure get visitation, but you'll have to do the whole court thing.  As much as DD's dad irritates the shit out of me at times, there is no reason he shouldn't be able to see her.  He can't, however, drive her any where as he just got out of jail for felony DUI and he has no license.  But it's obvious to me he adores his daughter.  

MinnesotaMomma91

@Tig594 im glad your bd is there for your dd and i hope he is able to get his shit together for her

tig594

Thanks, MM. I hope so, too.  I'm pretty tired of dealing with his shit.  

MinnesotaMomma91

Haha i bet you are @tig594 id be sick of it too