Blended Families
jennadesigns
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How do you know you're done having kids? (Intro - loss mentioned)
jennadesigns
member
Hi there. I have no idea where to post this question, but considering we're a blended family I thought this issue was probably relevant to some of you ladies on here. Perhaps you have some insight?
Some background. I live with my partner and our children. I am in my mid thirties and my partner is significantly older than me but didn't have children until later in life. Together, we have three children. His son is nearly 16 and lives with us one week and his birth mother's the next. My son is 11 and lives primarily with his birth father and I see him every other weekend and whenever else I want or am able. Together, my partner and I have a daughter who is 5 years old.
I always pictured having two children who lived with me every day, and due to the arrangement I have with my son's birth father, I don't feel like I really have that. My ex-husband and I get along very well and for a short period of time he was the more stable household (I was in nursing school full-time and had my infant daughter at home) so I didn't hesitate to give him primary placement. I have always tried to do what was best for my son and at the time, it meant giving up time with him, which was - and still is - hard. My ex is a very good father and our son is the only child he will ever have. He has remarried and he and his wife have three kids between them. This might be hard to understand, but I've never pushed the custody arrangement because I knew our son would be my ex's only child and he provides a good, stable, safe home and my son is happy there. Things have been settled in my life for quite a while now and I recently asked my son if he would like to go back to living one week with his father and one week with me. His response was that he liked things how they were and he didn't want them to change. I'm not going to push the issue because while it was painful to hear, I respect his wishes.
But, the bottom line is that I essentially only have my daughter at home with me so while I do technically have two children, it feels more like I just have one (if that makes any sense). I continued to feel like my family wasn't complete. My partner and I tried to have another child and I became pregnant in the spring of 2013. I lost that baby at 7 weeks. We took some time off TTC and just recently started trying again and I became pregnant this March. Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended with a missed miscarriage and D&C two weeks ago. I'm experiencing a wide range of emotions with this experience. When I first found out I was pregnant, I swore that if something happened and this baby wasn't meant to be, I would be happy with my beautiful healthy daughter, and she and my son would be enough. For a while when I was pregnant there was a "what was I thinking" moment where I wondered if I really had it in me to start over again with an infant. Then I lost the baby. I was sad, still am. I realized how much I wanted that child and how much it felt like I was meant to have a third child. I love my children more than anything. But I still feel this sense that something is missing with my family.
I know I'm only two weeks out from my D&C and my hormones are probably still all over the place, but I find myself constantly coming back to this question - how do you know when you're done having kids? When I found out I lost this baby, I immediately said I was done. Then, after a few days went by, I found myself questioning if I wanted to try again. My partner is completely happy with what we have. He would probably consider trying for one more if it were that important to me because he loves me and wants me to be happy. But I don't think he feels like we need to have another. In my mind, I picture - if we were to try for a third - setting a time limit of say 6 months and either it happens or it doesn't. That way there is some closure. Either we move on with another baby or I try to wrap my mind around having the children I do have and having that be enough.
So for those of you who are done having children and are just working on making your blended families work, how did you know that you were done having kids and your family was complete the way it was? Did you and your partner have children together and how did you know you were done?
Some background. I live with my partner and our children. I am in my mid thirties and my partner is significantly older than me but didn't have children until later in life. Together, we have three children. His son is nearly 16 and lives with us one week and his birth mother's the next. My son is 11 and lives primarily with his birth father and I see him every other weekend and whenever else I want or am able. Together, my partner and I have a daughter who is 5 years old.
I always pictured having two children who lived with me every day, and due to the arrangement I have with my son's birth father, I don't feel like I really have that. My ex-husband and I get along very well and for a short period of time he was the more stable household (I was in nursing school full-time and had my infant daughter at home) so I didn't hesitate to give him primary placement. I have always tried to do what was best for my son and at the time, it meant giving up time with him, which was - and still is - hard. My ex is a very good father and our son is the only child he will ever have. He has remarried and he and his wife have three kids between them. This might be hard to understand, but I've never pushed the custody arrangement because I knew our son would be my ex's only child and he provides a good, stable, safe home and my son is happy there. Things have been settled in my life for quite a while now and I recently asked my son if he would like to go back to living one week with his father and one week with me. His response was that he liked things how they were and he didn't want them to change. I'm not going to push the issue because while it was painful to hear, I respect his wishes.
But, the bottom line is that I essentially only have my daughter at home with me so while I do technically have two children, it feels more like I just have one (if that makes any sense). I continued to feel like my family wasn't complete. My partner and I tried to have another child and I became pregnant in the spring of 2013. I lost that baby at 7 weeks. We took some time off TTC and just recently started trying again and I became pregnant this March. Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended with a missed miscarriage and D&C two weeks ago. I'm experiencing a wide range of emotions with this experience. When I first found out I was pregnant, I swore that if something happened and this baby wasn't meant to be, I would be happy with my beautiful healthy daughter, and she and my son would be enough. For a while when I was pregnant there was a "what was I thinking" moment where I wondered if I really had it in me to start over again with an infant. Then I lost the baby. I was sad, still am. I realized how much I wanted that child and how much it felt like I was meant to have a third child. I love my children more than anything. But I still feel this sense that something is missing with my family.
I know I'm only two weeks out from my D&C and my hormones are probably still all over the place, but I find myself constantly coming back to this question - how do you know when you're done having kids? When I found out I lost this baby, I immediately said I was done. Then, after a few days went by, I found myself questioning if I wanted to try again. My partner is completely happy with what we have. He would probably consider trying for one more if it were that important to me because he loves me and wants me to be happy. But I don't think he feels like we need to have another. In my mind, I picture - if we were to try for a third - setting a time limit of say 6 months and either it happens or it doesn't. That way there is some closure. Either we move on with another baby or I try to wrap my mind around having the children I do have and having that be enough.
So for those of you who are done having children and are just working on making your blended families work, how did you know that you were done having kids and your family was complete the way it was? Did you and your partner have children together and how did you know you were done?
BFP 3/30/13, MMC and D&C 4/19/13
BFP 4/8/14, MMC 5/5/14, D&C 5/9/14
BFP 8/26/14 Due date 5/8/15
BFP 4/8/14, MMC 5/5/14, D&C 5/9/14
BFP 8/26/14 Due date 5/8/15
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How do you know you're done having kids? (Intro - loss mentioned)
I'm at the point where I will be content if I never have another child, but I honestly would like to have another child.
So sorry for your loss.
I can't really offer any advice. Just camaraderie. And remember that you are the mother of two children regardless of where they are.
I am so sorry for your loss. The emotional healing after a loss is far greater in my experience than the physical. I am going to re-intro (and its about not being the primary custody parent) but felt drawn to respond. I have five boys, four with my ex and my lo born in March with my dh (his first). I too would love another. Age is not on my side nor quite frankly are finances, but my hearts desire is what it is. I have questioned when and if I would ever feel as other's have stated that they just knew they were done. Since I have never felt that way I leave the door open. I wish you well no matter what you decide.