OMG, Shut Your Mouth, You are being so offensive!

CaptainSerious

It's bad enough when someone who hasn't adopted tries to educate adoptive parents about adoption, but today I was blown out of the water by how disgustingly offensive J's soccer coach was being.  I already knew he was a blow-hard, but I never knew someone could be so offensively crass and not know when to shut his trap.

I mentioned that we were going to a graduation party for the woman who used to nanny for the boys, and how she was a godsend to our family when they first arrived.  I said, "I don't know if you know, but they are both adopted."  He said he didn't know, (I can often "pass" for their mother, especially if you don't see me and my husband together), and started asking about it.  I told him the boys were not adopted as infants.  He asked if they had medical concerns, and I told them that they did, but we were fully aware of that and wanted to adopt children who might not otherwise find families.

Then came then dreaded, "My wife and I were going to adopt, but...."  Nothing good ever follows that statement.  He went on to tell me that "We anticipated issues....  These mothers, they don't care since it's not their child, and they drink all the way through the pregnancy."  When I told him I didn't think that was true, he had the audacity to say, "Well,maybe not in your case, but when you adopt an infant, they don't give a damn."  I told him that if you are an alcoholic, it is near impossible to stop drinking.  I did concede that FAS is an issue in some adoptions, but that many of the issues are understandable, in situations where women don't have access to the financial security, medical care, and nutrition that we are so familiar with.  He just looked at me.

I have to work with this guy as I am his assistant coach, but I will keep myself and my sons as far away from him as possible.  What really got me is that he was so oblivious to the fact that he was being offensive and he acted as though he knew better than me and he was trying to teach me about the ways of the world.  Repulsive!

Dr.Loretta

I hate it when people talk like they're experts, when they're so clueless. Especially about such an important topic. I'm sorry you have to deal with him

CarolinaGirl2014

Yuck! Sorry you have to deal with that. I think the best we can do is educate.

I had someone recently tell me that open adoption isn't often a good idea for DIA because basically all other birthmoms were drug addicts, alcoholics, or just didn't give a crap. I don't think they believed me when I said that statistically, I actually am the norm. They definitely didn't believe me when I said that some level of openness even in the situations of drug and alcohol addiction and mental illness can be beneficial for the child as well. Once again, someone who hasn't adopted.

CaptainSerious

CarolinaGirl2014 said:

Yuck! Sorry you have to deal with that. I think the best we can do is educate.

I had someone recently tell me that open adoption isn't often a good idea for DIA because basically all other birthmoms were drug addicts, alcoholics, or just didn't give a crap. I don't think they believed me when I said that statistically, I actually am the norm. They definitely didn't believe me when I said that some level of openness even in the situations of drug and alcohol addiction and mental illness can be beneficial for the child as well. Once again, someone who hasn't adopted.

See, that's the thing. I don't think you can educate these kinds of people. They are entrenched in their own world view and believe they know better than everyone else, even those with more experience, which is what makes it all so infuriating. They will continue to go on through the world, spreading their hurtful misinformation, and people who don't know any better may believe them.

mysticl

I wonder if they had been dealing strictly with foster to adopt. When we had people come to our agency wanting an infant we explained to them that we rarely had infants placed with us.  If we did they were usually either born addicted and CPS removed them at birth or they had been abandoned at the hospital under the Safe Haven laws.  If it was an abandonment case the placement was usually temporary because family would be found who was willing to take the child in.  

lorifromwi

He deserves a well-placed penalty kick to the ^#%@.   Not mature, but felt pretty good to say!

CaptainSerious

mysticl said:

I wonder if they had been dealing strictly with foster to adopt. When we had people come to our agency wanting an infant we explained to them that we rarely had infants placed with us.  If we did they were usually either born addicted and CPS removed them at birth or they had been abandoned at the hospital under the Safe Haven laws.  If it was an abandonment case the placement was usually temporary because family would be found who was willing to take the child in.  

Unfortunately not.  He was talking about international adoption.  I forgot to mention that he started his tirade with something like, "when you go to these countries, they are not like ours...."  Nevermind the fact that he is either a first or second generation American (I'm not sure if he was born here) who identifies most strongly with his family's distant country of origin.

fernane

When I hear things like that, it just makes me glad they didn't go through with adoption!

CaptainSerious

fernane said:

When I hear things like that, it just makes me glad they didn't go through with adoption!

me, too!

mysticl

CarolinaGirl2014 said:

Yuck! Sorry you have to deal with that. I think the best we can do is educate.

I had someone recently tell me that open adoption isn't often a good idea for DIA because basically all other birthmoms were drug addicts, alcoholics, or just didn't give a crap. I don't think they believed me when I said that statistically, I actually am the norm. They definitely didn't believe me when I said that some level of openness even in the situations of drug and alcohol addiction and mental illness can be beneficial for the child as well. Once again, someone who hasn't adopted.

I primarily worked on the foster care side of things but we also had a division for parental placement adoption. Every few months I would get loaned to them for a few days to audit their records. The majority of our birth mothers were in their early twenties trying to go to school or start a career and felt it was not the right time to parent a child. We would also occasionally have an "older" birth mother (late 20s to mid 30s) who had an established career and never planned on children and realized that there were plenty of people out there who did want children.  All of our parental placement adoptions were open unless the birth parents did not want contact. 

People are surprised when I tell them about the demographics of birth mothers. They assume they are mostly teenagers.

bissynut

There is NOTHING you can do when someone is so ignorant.  My husband and I are in the middle of the homestudy process. We have 3 older kids between us. The comments and questions I get are just stunning.
Why don't you guys just have your own?
Why can't you get one from here, there are lots of kids here that need help?
Can't you find a normal child?  (We have been investigating the China Special Needs Program)

I've had this (and more) from family members, friends, acquaintances and strangers. How do you explain that we are a family and they need a family? How can you explain that often the kids adopted from other countries are delayed simply because of lack of sensory experiences and attention. The kids often need minor medical intervention but will not get that help if someone does not come along and adopt them. We take those things for granted.

Another gal adopted two boys (2 and 6) from Ethiopia and a woman in the grocery store came up and asked "Is their mother dead?" The kids were right there!! What is the matter with people?
I know often people are curious and have questions but holy inappropriateness.. come on.
This adoptive mom has an amazing amount of class and was graceful at that moment in a way I could have never been.

Thankfully he didn't adopt.