Don't know what to think..

autumnalways

I joined this forum for many of the same reasons as everyone else.... advice, encouragement and so on. 

My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years. We met and started dating in high school and have been together ever since. Despite still being young and having plenty of time to have children I want a baby desperately. I was raised in a home with younger siblings and truly helped raise them and ever since being married I have been waiting for the time to be right to bring a baby into this world. I've been talking to my husband off and on since getting married about having children and he always says that he wants kids, but now is not the time. I will be graduating college in a year and felt that it would be a wonderful time to start trying to get pregnant in a few months and give birth after graduation. I plan on staying home for the first year or so to devote all the time possible to my little one. After bringing the topic up to my husband he seemed better with the idea than he has in the past. We sort of come to the conclusion that we would start TTC this Fall, but he just seemed like he wanted to avoid talking about it anytime I try to talk about baby stuff (getting the now junk room cleaned out some, thinking about names...). I confronted him about the avoidance because I want this to be an exciting time for both of us and he just said he was really scared and nervous and not excited at this point. I told him that I wanted this to be an exciting milestone in our lives, like when we got married, but he just said that he didn't want to talk in depth about it and that he needs to still think on whether he is ready to start TTC this Fall, because he may want to wait even longer. His exact words were "I may decide that it is a perfect time, but I need it to sink in first. I am not sure if I am ready or not." I guess where I have not been in this situation before I don't know how to interpret his feelings. Is this normal for men to feel this way? Do some men just not feel ready for a baby until it becomes more of a reality? He is the type of person that always needs a push so to speak. He didn't want to buy a house when we did, but after some convincing and moving in he said he was beyond happy and blessed we have our own home (I know having a child is much more serious that a house)... He has always been way behind me on things and we just always work through them, but this will be the most serious decision we will have made by far. 

Part of me says not to push because I don't want to be stuck pregnant with a partner that isn't excited and then another part of me says that surely he would get excited and that he is just letting his anxiety get in the way. As I have said he is a major worry-wart. When I have asked him his worries he says that he worries about the health of me and the baby, how things will change afterward, financially, that he wants to be in better shape first.... basically things that a lot of people are worried about. 

I know nobody can tell me what he is thinking and so on.. I guess I am just asking a for a little advice... 

Thanks so much! 

CallMeShoes

Can I just ask... how old are you?  How old is he?  How are you supporting yourselves?  Do you have a job?  Does he?  Can you financially support a baby?

autumnalways

I am 20 and he is 23. My husband works full time as a youth worker at a rehabilitation center and I work in a hospital full time while being a full time student (will be graduating from college in may). Yes, we can financially support a baby. 

theholmanherd

A baby isn't like buying a house. Buying a house seems like a huge decision, and it is, but you can sell or get something else later if you don't like it. With a baby, you have him or her for life. You can't undo having a baby. He needs to be completely, 100% on board with a having a child BEFORE you get pregnant. True, accidents can happen, and that's out of your control, but for as much as you can control it, prevent pregnancy until you are both ready. This isn't something you go into, thinking he will change his mind when the time comes. I know it sucks to have to wait, but you'll be sorry if you don't and find that he *isn't* on board when the time comes because he wanted to wait longer. Good luck.

theholmanherd

adalrymple12 said:

I joined this forum for many of the same reasons as everyone else.... advice, encouragement and so on. 

My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years. We met and started dating in high school and have been together ever since. Despite still being young and having plenty of time to have children I want a baby desperately. I was raised in a home with younger siblings and truly helped raise them and ever since being married I have been waiting for the time to be right to bring a baby into this world. I've been talking to my husband off and on since getting married about having children and he always says that he wants kids, but now is not the time. I will be graduating college in a year and felt that it would be a wonderful time to start trying to get pregnant in a few months and give birth after graduation. I plan on staying home for the first year or so to devote all the time possible to my little one. After bringing the topic up to my husband he seemed better with the idea than he has in the past. We sort of come to the conclusion that we would start TTC this Fall, but he just seemed like he wanted to avoid talking about it anytime I try to talk about baby stuff (getting the now junk room cleaned out some, thinking about names...). I confronted him about the avoidance because I want this to be an exciting time for both of us and he just said he was really scared and nervous and not excited at this point. I told him that I wanted this to be an exciting milestone in our lives, like when we got married, but he just said that he didn't want to talk in depth about it and that he needs to still think on whether he is ready to start TTC this Fall, because he may want to wait even longer. His exact words were "I may decide that it is a perfect time, but I need it to sink in first. I am not sure if I am ready or not." I guess where I have not been in this situation before I don't know how to interpret his feelings. Is this normal for men to feel this way? Do some men just not feel ready for a baby until it becomes more of a reality? He is the type of person that always needs a push so to speak. He didn't want to buy a house when we did, but after some convincing and moving in he said he was beyond happy and blessed we have our own home (I know having a child is much more serious that a house)... He has always been way behind me on things and we just always work through them, but this will be the most serious decision we will have made by far. 

Part of me says not to push because I don't want to be stuck pregnant with a partner that isn't excited and then another part of me says that surely he would get excited and that he is just letting his anxiety get in the way. As I have said he is a major worry-wart. When I have asked him his worries he says that he worries about the health of me and the baby, how things will change afterward, financially, that he wants to be in better shape first.... basically things that a lot of people are worried about. 

I know nobody can tell me what he is thinking and so on.. I guess I am just asking a for a little advice... 

Thanks so much! 

Also, QFP, just in case.

theholmanherd

adalrymple12 said:

I am 20 and he is 23. My husband works full time as a youth worker at a rehabilitation center and I work in a hospital full time while being a full time student (will be graduating from college in may). Yes, we can financially support a baby. 

QFP

Helenahhandbasket

All of your H's concerns seem like legit ones-- you, your well being, how your marriage will be affected etc.

I know you don't want to hear this, and we are all ready at different times in our lives, but you are SO YOUNG. 

If all goes well, you have legitimately another 20 years of fertility. 

Graduate, get a job, get some life experience, make some friends, travel, save some money, spend some money-- live your life a bit and then have a talk with your H about timelines.

CallMeShoes

Ok.  I'll just be very honest and direct...since that's sort of how I am. 

I sincerely doubt that you are emotionally, mentally, or financially prepared to have a baby.  And your DH has flat out said that he is not.  You're 20 years old.  You cannot even begin to imagine how much you will change as a person in the next 5 years.  You can't imagine how much you'll learn about yourself, about life, about establishing a career.

With the economy being the way it is, it is obscenely difficult for kids to get decent paying jobs right out of college, even if they've gone to the most prestigious universities.  Unpaid internships, low wage jobs, and underemployment are pervasive throughout the millennial generation. 

Even if you live in an area with a low cost of living, I sincerely doubt that you and your 23 year old H can earn enough money to keep a roof over your head, gas in your car, insurance cards in your wallet, money in your savings accounts, AND pay for all of the expenses for a baby.

That being said, I don't know you, and perhaps your salaries are in the 99th percentile in your age bracket.  If I'm wrong, then I'm wrong.  But if I were you, I'd think about every cost that comes with a baby, from diapers to daycare to medical bills to clothing to furniture.  I'd make an Excel spreadsheet, and I'd ask myself, really and truly, if you currently have that kind of extra cash lying around.

My guess is you don't, and you won't for some time.

normandyn7

Joy2611 said:

adalrymple12 said:

I guess where I have not been in this situation before I don't know how to interpret his feelings. Is this normal for men to feel this way? Do some men just not feel ready for a baby until it becomes more of a reality?

Part of me says not to push because I don't want to be stuck pregnant with a partner that isn't excited and then another part of me says that surely he would get excited and that he is just letting his anxiety get in the way. As I have said he is a major worry-wart. When I have asked him his worries he says that he worries about the health of me and the baby, how things will change afterward, financially, that he wants to be in better shape first.... basically things that a lot of people are worried about. 

This isn't a guessing game - he's telling you loud and clear that he isn't ready.  You don't want to listen to it and want to interpret it in another way.  There is no other way right now.  He deserves for his opinion on this subject to be respected because - in this circumstance - his opinion trumps yours.  The one who isn't sure about more children should always trump the other.

This isn't a male thing by the way - it's an adult, life decision making, human thing.

All of this. You need to respect your husband's feelings. Deciding to have a baby is a scary thing for both men and women! No matter the age. My husband was 29 when I got pregnant and he was terrified. Hell, he still is and our son is 8 months old. Maybe just chill on the talking about baby stuff for awhile. Revisit the topic in a couple months and if he still isn't on board then wait another couple months before bringing it up again. Remember, HE is going to have a baby too...not just you. If will change both of you and change both of your lives. Good luck!

merc5411

CallMeShoes said:

Ok.  I'll just be very honest and direct...since that's sort of how I am. 

I sincerely doubt that you are emotionally, mentally, or financially prepared to have a baby.  And your DH has flat out said that he is not.  You're 20 years old.  You cannot even begin to imagine how much you will change as a person in the next 5 years.  You can't imagine how much you'll learn about yourself, about life, about establishing a career.

With the economy being the way it is, it is obscenely difficult for kids to get decent paying jobs right out of college, even if they've gone to the most prestigious universities.  Unpaid internships, low wage jobs, and underemployment are pervasive throughout the millennial generation. 

Even if you live in an area with a low cost of living, I sincerely doubt that you and your 23 year old H can earn enough money to keep a roof over your head, gas in your car, insurance cards in your wallet, money in your savings accounts, AND pay for all of the expenses for a baby.

That being said, I don't know you, and perhaps your salaries are in the 99th percentile in your age bracket.  If I'm wrong, then I'm wrong.  But if I were you, I'd think about every cost that comes with a baby, from diapers to daycare to medical bills to clothing to furniture.  I'd make an Excel spreadsheet, and I'd ask myself, really and truly, if you currently have that kind of extra cash lying around.

My guess is you don't, and you won't for some time.

THIS 100%!!!  Don't push your husband into being a parent.  It won't work and it will most likely backfire on you.  Take advantage of being a young married couple.  Travel, stay out late, sleep in, do all the things you won't be able to do with a newborn/small child!

LimaD

I don't think it's uncommon to not feel 100% ready to take the plunge. It's a scary thing!  That being said, there's a difference between NOT being ready and just being scared/nervous but still ready to try. 

It sounds like he's in the not ready category. I agree that you're young but don't think that dictates whether you are ready or not to have children.  If you are desiring to be a mother I don't think it's other people's place to say "you're too young."  If you really are financially prepared, you just need to wait until you husband's on board.  This fall ask him flat out if he's ready or if he needs more time and see what is answer is then.

Sassenach1743

First of all, I must agree with previous posters concerning your husband's very clear communications that he is not ready for a baby and he doesn't what to talk about it yet. You need to listen to him. Marriage is not about steering or pushing your mate into agreeing with what you want, at least it shouldn't be when it comes to something as life changing as parenthood. 

Second, what makes you think getting pregnant during your last year in college is a good idea? You will most definitely run a high risk of not finishing school at all if you go this route, mainly because of how a pregnancy will effect your energy level. You will be exhausted! At least during your first trimester, which is long enough to put a serious dent in your grades and effect your ability to pass each semester. 

Get your priorities straight; listen to your husband and finish school. 

A marriage is a partnership and being like minded and agreeing on your priorities are the lifeline of your relationship. If you don't take him seriously you run the risk of hurting your marriage. The title of your post is blatantly obvious that you are not listening.

Finish school first! You've already committed your time, energy, and money. I'm willing to bet that your future career plans are directly connected to you finishing your program. Don't have a baby yet. You will not be able to focus on finishing school while pregnant, I say this because you are already off in dreamland right now just thinking about having babies... so much so that you can't hear your husband telling you over and over that he's not ready. 

Please slow down. Previous posters have made some great points about enjoying being young and doing all the things that you'll end up sacrificing once you're parents. You have time, just be patient and enjoy your life with your husband as it is now. 

LnghrnFan717

I don't think that his reaction is unusual...especially for a man.  You're both still very young.  However, I'm not going to tell you as other have that you are too young.  No one can really tell you that.  You're married adults and only the two of you can make this decision.

I will say, however, that you do need to be on the same page.  Don't push him into this decision because you want it so badly.  A baby needs a loving mother and father.  You may be right that he will get on board after you're pregnant...but you may be wrong.  Make sure he is as ready as you are because, while they're worth it, babies do change everything.  Good luck!

lifeonthehill

I am 22 and DH is 25. Originally we planned to start trying this July after one year of marriage. Then we tackled student loan debt and pushed it back to December 2014. Then he changed jobs for next year back to teaching and took a minor pay cut and we decided to wait till March 2015. Then we decided we need a safer car we would love to buy in cash so we pushed it back to June 2015. Then we decided for me to go to school part time next year and pay for that in cash so we pushed it back until September 2015. Then we realized we could save a ton of money by not putting me on the insurance plan until April 2016 so we will start then. 

I know it is hard to wait. I know I am young but I have this incredibly strong desire to have children and it doesn't go away. I know I am ready and he is ready but we have things that have to come first. We have agreed that if next Spring we are still 100% ready we will me onto the insurance plan and start trying but for now Spring 2016 is the plan. 

Set financial and personal goals and write them down. Make a big baby bucket list! Cross them off as you go so you can watch the time go by. I know if we were to get pregnant today even though we can handle it financially he would have too many regrets and worries to be fully happy and I would hate to live that way. When it happens I know he and I will both be scared but I want it to be as wonderful for him as it will be for me. 

ETA: When I first came here I had a similar post. I didn't like what was said because my baby thoughts had my brain all turned to goo but I took the advice had a conversation with him and we made a list that night. Made a timeline and it eased my mind knowing we had a plan. 

TikiTurtle

I agree with all the PP's, and would just like to add that once your DH IS ready, it is the greatest feeling in the world. I waited for three years for my DH to warm up to the idea of starting a family, but now that he has I feel so much more at ease and simply excited. The stress and worry disappeared when he started becoming involved with the whole process, bc I wasn't doing everything on my own anymore. We are a team, and being able to tackle this stage of our lives together is gonna be awesome! So OP, don't push, and don't rush him. It will be so very worth it in the end.

DenaMaree

I agree completely with everyone! I can assure you that as bad as you want a baby right now, you'll want one just as badly in five years. Your more then young enough even if you don't start a family for another five years you can still consider having several children. Embrace the relationship with the man you love and enjoy one another. If you think you are financially ready for a baby now, imagine how much better off you will be in five years. You have time on your side!!

sunny1310

I fully agree with everyone here. You're not even old enough to buy an alcoholic beverage! Who I was at 20 is no where near who I am now at 29. Hell I can even say we got married way too young at the age of 22. Luckily for us it has worked out so far and we have grown together and not apart. My husband and I wanted to wait until we were married for several years before having children. We waited 5, I got pregnant within a few months and 6 months into our pregnancy our son was stillborn. Obviously that is a rare thing to happen but we would have had a heck of a harder time dealing with that when we were younger than being able to stick together and get through it in our late twenties when we did. Tragedies happen all the time, you need to be able to know a relationship can withstand them.  You will go through MANY different changes in your 20s. You will not be the same person in several years as you are now. You will be wiser and more mature, despite how mature you think you are now. You will even see things differently and will feel you want your children raised differently than how you think you would now. 

Enjoy being married, travel together, do little DIY projects around the house, explore new hobbies together. Get to know each other fully before committing to bring a child into your life. You will never ever have this time together just the two of you until your babies are adults and move out. You need to build a solid foundation as husband and wife now so that when a little one comes along you are able to adapt and then eventually still know how to be a couple when it's just the 2 of you again farther down the road. 

I also agree that what you think is good money now is not what you will think is good money in 5-10 years. Start saving, build a nest egg. 

PuppyLove84

I was certainly not ready for a baby at 20 - I was too busy doing keg stands and trying to plan my outfit for the next 80's-themed party.  But I also wasn't ready to get married, so obviously you're at a different point in life than I was then!  So it's not my business whether you yourself are ready, but it sounds like your H is not.  I've been talking about babies for the last couple years, pretty much since we got married, but my H has not been ready either.  Only in the past 3-4 months has his attitude changed from "I don't think I'm ready" to "I think I might be able to handle this."  And it's really exciting for both of us!  Because you are so young, you do have the luxury of waiting.  If you were 40 and he wasn't ready, I think everyone's responses would be different.  At this point, just give it a break for like 6 months and then bring it up again.  And like other posters said, make a list of all the things you want to do before baby.  I found that a trip to a tropical island with fruity drinks made me glad that I wasn't pregnant!

Disneygeek77

I am the oldest of 7 children and like you I stupidly thought I too had "raised" my younger siblings.  Now that I have two children of my own, I realize how foolish my thinking was.  For the great, great majority of people, being an older sibling isn't nearly the same or difficult as having children of your own.  My goodness it isn't even on the same level.  Sure, I changed some diapers, made them some meals, and put them to bed every once in a while, but I promise being a parent is much more difficult than being a big sister.  

Seriously, give your husband some respect and consideration and calm down.

silverandgray

adalrymple12 said:

Part of me says not to push because I don't want to be stuck pregnant with a partner that isn't excited and then another part of me says that surely he would get excited and that he is just letting his anxiety get in the way. As I have said he is a major worry-wart. When I have asked him his worries he says that he worries about the health of me and the baby, how things will change afterward, financially, that he wants to be in better shape first.... basically things that a lot of people are worried about. 

I know nobody can tell me what he is thinking and so on.. I guess I am just asking a for a little advice... 

Thanks so much! 

Your husband may be a worry wart, but in this case he is being really practical and smart. You guys are so young. At the moment it also sounds like you are pretty busy between working full time and going to school full time. Throwing pregnancy into the mix is an unnecessary stressor that could negatively impact your ability to excel at and enjoy everything. 

On top of that, by waiting to have children you may find in a couple of years that you are glad that you took the opportunity to be young and carefree, build  up some savings, establish a stronger foothold in your career field, get used to being married, and just get some general life experience. I wouldn't trade my years of traveling whenever I wanted, making good adult friendships, working late when it was needed, and spending quality one-on-one time with my husband for anything. 

And finally, you should never ever think of actively TTC when he's telling you clearly that he is not ready. You're a team and both of your opinions count equally in pre-conception reproductive decisions. I know it's hard once you've got baby fever, but you've got to back off the getting pregnant talk for a while. I would try to set a time in the future to revisit the topic, and in the meantime either try to do other things and get your mind off it, or hang out somewhere like here to chat with others who have babies on the brain. 

sourapplemartini

MH and I almost tried for a baby when I was 20. I thought I was ready, and he wasn't.

Then we ended up waiting 5 years. We just enjoyed being married and figuring out what it was to be married. We moved around (I was military), took last minute trips away for the weekend, slept late and did whatever we wanted. We were married 3.5 years before our DD was born and we were in such a different place. I was still young at 25! I wish we had waited a bit longer, saved more money, etc, but hindsight is 20/20. We made it work. 

Children are so expensive. Start up is expensive, clothes are expensive (even when you shop at Target/Walmart), activities are expensive. FOOD-- they eat so much. And that keeps getting more expensive. What I used to get for $120 costs me $160 now. You have no idea what your finances will look like and you need to be prepared for that. 

I'm a teacher and hold 2 Masters degrees. It was nearly impossible for me to get a job last year. Get a FT job, get insurance, get some experiences under your belt that are easier to do without having to arrange for childcare. THEN have a baby. Even if you want to be a young mom, you still have years to start.

merc5411

WhoCanItBeNow said:

merc5411 said:

THIS 100%!!!  Don't push your husband into being a parent.  It won't work and it will most likely backfire on you.  Take advantage of being a young married couple.  Travel, stay out late, sleep in, do all the things you won't be able to do with a newborn/small child!

You can travel, stay out late, sleep in and all other things when you have a child.



You're right. You CAN do those things. But it's totally different. It's much harder, and more expensive, to travel with a child. Staying out late isn't that great when you know you're going to have to be up at 6. Sleeping in becomes a totally different thing. I'm just saying it's not the same at all.