Step moms (rant)

McCormic1020

My daughter is eleven and just within the last few years her father and I have both got married and pregnant. I have had no qualms with her step mother until now. There baby was born April 30th, and they got newborn/family photos without my daughter. To add salt to the wound they were posted on FB where idiots from the step mothers family were making comments like "baby makes 3"!

It's bad enough my daughter's father is an idiot who doesn't consider his daughters feelings. So, if any of you are in this situation, It would be thoughtful to include your step child in at least one photo.

Skeemer

Bless her heart. I'm sorry. That's very inconsiderate that they didn't take a few with your daughter.

Csltdk

What a twat

katnipeverclean

That is really sad. I'm so sorry they did that and hurt your daughter. I think it'd be hard to keep the momma bear restrained on that one. In fact I kind of want to call and yell at them for you!

McCormic1020

I don't know if it's worse because I'm hormonal our because my father is an idiot but it's all I can do to think about anything but throat punching both of them. I'm like obsessing about it. Like uber pissed off, lol

The worst part is my daughter says that it doesn't bother her and she wishes I'd quit making such a big deal about it. She's all protective and a daddy's girl.

JayBzo

So my two cents: this is how my life was - I was NEVER included and I was 10 when my dad/step mom had their daughter. I, to this day, am not present in any photos throughout their house. I used to cry and cry about it to my mom.

What I can say, is now as an adult, my mom always did the right thing. She never talked bad about either dad or step mom and she would comfort me, tell me it is okay, that my dad still loved me etc - looking back, I think about how amazing she was. She could have easily stooped to step moms level and said how horrible she was etc... of course she probably said these things to other people, but never to me. As an adult now, I want to be just as strong as my mom and I admire her greatly. 

She never fixed the issue for me, and life ran its course and I was able to see how my mom was the much better parent and I could care less about those pictures and things now, but I was very very hurt as a young girl. Sorry this probably didn't help, I am just encouraging you to be what your daughter needs especially since clearly they are not there for her. My dad could do no wrong in my eyes and I cannot imagine how my mom felt with me thinking he was great, knowing he was being shitty to me. I am sorry this is happening and have no idea how a grown woman could be so insensitive to her husband's children. 

SuperTinkerham

Big hugs to your daughter. That is so hurtful.

AutumnBonfire

That's awful. I'm sure it does bother your daughter even though she says otherwise.

mamaloaf

This sounds like my dad as well. Thankfully, I've had my step-father in my life for 20 years and he has been more of a father to me than my dad. Your daughter may struggle with negative feelings because of the decisions he makes, but some day she will be old enough to understand and see things how they really are. 

AMcLaws

Oh my gosh, that just breaks my heart for your sweet daughter. The momma bear in me just wants to call them up and chew them a new one. How could someone be so mean to a child? (Even if that wasn't their intention)

middleschoolmommy

I'm so sorry your daughter is going through this. Big hugs to her. I also had to deal with a step-monster with a new baby. Thankfully I was older. I'm so glad she has you to be there for her! 

bluebird0521

That is terrible. I am really outspoken, so I wouldn't be able to hold back asking to sit down with them (without kids present of course) and discuss how that is just plain inconsiderate and quite frankly, mean. 

cookieinva

Well, it isn't necessarily fair to hold the stepmother responsible for other people's comments. My extended family rarely sees my stepson and therefore I can sympathize that they don't always "remember" he is a part of my family. And lest it seem I just exclude SS, there are pictures of my SS in my home, in my parents home, on our Christmas cards, etc. Excluding your daughter was not very thoughtful, but it is also true I think that newborn photos do not always as a rule include siblings (step- or otherwise). I think you are justified to feel hurt on your daughter's behalf, but hopefully you can down-play it to her to minimize the harm to her feelings. This is not necessarily a bad indication of things to come. I hope!

darkangel42

Sounds like my Step-Monster.

Your daughter is dealing with it (outwardly at least) far better than most, you do right to be there for her and not explode and the x or the step-monster for doing that to her.

It'll come back to bite them in the butt when she's old enough to speak up for herself and has had enough.

jensavicci

What a jackass move sorry for your little girl!

cookieinva

That is true jessa and it is not clear if that is the case or not. The irritation expressed was with regards to people making that comment. And really if my elderly distant cousin (who probably shouldn't even be on FB in the first place) made some random comment I'd probably ignore it. The people actually in my life know who my family is, you know? Maybe this stepmother has not so great intentions, I don't know, I just wanted to say it might not necessarily be the case, and. I hope it isn't. Being a stepmom isn't always easy, people find it easy to criticize. If there haven't been issues with this stepmom before, which it sounds like there haven't been, then sure be upset but give her a chance to adjust to simultaneous motherhood and stepmotherhood. That's all.

JayBzo

@cookieinva I agree with this, I will say that I think sometimes it can be a case of not intending it that way or being responsible for others, you might be surprised at how little things like this can affect a step child. I remember vividly small details that hurt me to my core from childhood and while I would like to say "oh she didn't mean anything by it" it is still hurtful. And this can include not correcting people etc..

Being a step mom is definitely hard work (any step parent for that matter) and for those who are good at it - hats off to you. My step dad has made my life wonderful - 1 out of 2 ain't bad right!?

cookieinva

I will just add that from the OP I was not under the impression the 11year old stepdaughter saw this on FB and was upset about it but rather that OP herself did. Two different things to me and for a child to see that and be upset by it is a big deal and should be addressed.

dobbyisfree

So sorry for your daughter. I would be so sad if I were her. Makes me glad that my BILs new fiance loves my niece to bits.

ksuRN09

Big hugs to your daughter! She definitely should've been included!

abrazz

My DH could identify completely with this.  He lost his mom when he was 13 and his dad remarried a couple years later.  His dad had 3 kids (from DH's mother).  I know it would be hard coming in and taking on 3 kids that weren't yours but he and his older brother were never included and were kicked out by DH"s senior year.  I have always called her grandma (once we had our oldest) and included her as much as she would allow.  When she came to see DS she watched our daughter running around and told me she couldn't wait to have a grand-daughter.  I was a bit crushed.  Things like that do hurt and I really hope your daughter's step mother tries to include her more and think about her feelings.  DH's dad is oblivious so I get what you are saying about your ex.  Honestly I blame my father-in-law for not standing up for his kids and letting his wife treat them like she did/does.  I am sorry you are dealing with this

email2ash

I was raised by my dad and step mom and they had three boys. Sure there were times I felt like a bit of an outsider, but not often. I also think there were some professional photos of my brothers without me. I have an incredibly close relationship with my step mom and I'm sure nothing was done on purpose or to make me feel left out. I know she would be deeply hurt if she ever thought I felt that way.

I would seriously hope a grown woman wouldn't do something on purpose to hurt an 11 year old! If you see a habit of your daughter's feelings getting hurt I would have a talk with them and let them know how they are making her feel. On the other hand I wouldn't blow this up any bigger than it needs to be if it is a first offense, you don't want to give DD a complex. Keep an eye on things and hopefully the new baby phenomenon will wear off and things can go back to normal.

taylorjeanne84

I can definitely see how your daughter could get her feelings hurt by not being included in the "family picture." I have two stepkids, plus my DS. We have never done a family photo with DH, the kids and me (or just DS and us...no way) but there are lots of times I have gotten all 3 kids pictures taken for holidays, etc. There are also times I have just had DS's pictures taken. It was a crap move to have family pics done without her, but I wouldn't read too much into the newborn thing.

Being a stepmom is extremely hard. I would hope she would never intentionally hurt your daughter like that. And I agree with PP's that it's definitely best if you don't bad mouth her dad and make a big deal out of it if she isn't expressing a huge amount of hurt. It would probably just fuel the fire!

Good luck, blended families can be
tough!

Edit: clarification. And it's late...

McCormic1020

I don't think she intentionally tried to hurt her. I just think she happens to be a little selfish. But I am suprised her dad would do this and just wanted to make sure I brought it to his attention before she does grow up with bad feelings.