20 month old is an a-hole?

ThatWasAHoot

Anyone else?
My daughter is like...crazy.  Some people call it "Strong-willed."  We just think she's kind of a huge jerk.
Our son is 3 and he's as sweet as pie and always has been.  So compliant, always listens, is just such a good boy.
Not our little girl.  No.  She is a jerk.  If she doesn't get her way she throws herself to the ground and screams for at least 5 minutes, if not longer.
Last night we left my parents house to come home and she screamed when we took her from her Papa to go into the car...all the way home, during bedtime routine, all the way up until bed. 
Today, she was coloring on my car with chalk after I repeatedly told her not to.  So I took it away and a 15 minute melt down ensued.

Please tell me this stops?  :[

I am a childcare provider and none of my kids have ever done this!

ashiscute

Uhhh... sounds like a normal toddler to me.  DS is 20 mos and has fits like this.  Sometimes I think "man is he being an a-hole" but everyone is an a-hole sometimes right?  Your repeatedly calling her a jerk is worrisome to me.  

jonesie2010

I know how you feel. I have a "strong willed" 14 month old and it is hard sometimes. I'll sometimes find myself thinking "man I hope this is just a phase and not her actual personality." I always dreamed of having a sweet little girl but right now it's pretty much one battle after another all day long.

=Lee=B

It ALWAYS works that way.  If number one is sweet and calm and just plain easy then number two always comes along and does the opposite leaving parents baffled, confused and just shocked.  I work in childcare.  I have seen it over and over again.

It is all NORMAL behavior it just seems so extreme because your eldest decided to skip this stage.

It will get better.  Just roll with it.  Set limits, stick to them and most of all take every chance you can to praise them for 'good' behavior and to give hugs and kisses.  Don't compare (out loud), There is nothing worse in life than being compared to the 'better' sibling and children quickly start to live up to the expectations of being the 'a-hole' and 'jerk'.

 

honeydew01

jonesie2010 said:

I know how you feel. I have a "strong willed" 14 month old and it is hard sometimes. I'll sometimes find myself thinking "man I hope this is just a phase and not her actual personality." I always dreamed of having a sweet little girl but right now it's pretty much one battle after another all day long.

I had to read this twice because I was like "oh did I already reply to this?" because I thought I had written it! lol What you wrote is EXACTLY my situation. 14 month old "strong willed" girl and I have totally wondered if this is her personality for the rest of her life at times and currently we are going through one battle another another pretty much all day long. Do you live in Seattle with a daughter whose name starts with L?

honeydew01

=Lee=B said:

It ALWAYS works that way.  If number one is sweet and calm and just plain easy then number two always comes along and does the opposite leaving parents baffled, confused and just shocked.  I work in childcare.  I have seen it over and over again.

It is all NORMAL behavior it just seems so extreme because your eldest decided to skip this stage.

It will get better.  Just roll with it.  Set limits, stick to them and most of all take every chance you can to praise them for 'good' behavior and to give hugs and kisses.  Don't compare (out loud), There is nothing worse in life than being compared to the 'better' sibling and children quickly start to live up to the expectations of being the 'a-hole' and 'jerk'.

 

@=Lee=B, you're so wise and I always enjoy reading your helpful comments and have learned a lot from you. Does this mean if the first one is a very difficult or so called "strong willed" child, that the second one is going to be better? I always wanted at least 2 but DD has scared the shit out of me to be quite honest and she's only 14 months old!

OP, you've gotten great advice so I won't repeat. Mine is 14 and has hit the terrible twos very early. I just try to set limits and be consistent...

jnnfrrose6

=Lee=B said:

It ALWAYS works that way.  If number one is sweet and calm and just plain easy then number two always comes along and does the opposite leaving parents baffled, confused and just shocked.  I work in childcare.  I have seen it over and over again.

It is all NORMAL behavior it just seems so extreme because your eldest decided to skip this stage.

It will get better.  Just roll with it.  Set limits, stick to them and most of all take every chance you can to praise them for 'good' behavior and to give hugs and kisses.  Don't compare (out loud), There is nothing worse in life than being compared to the 'better' sibling and children quickly start to live up to the expectations of being the 'a-hole' and 'jerk'.

 

Bolded is exactly what DH and I are worried about for #2.  DS is such an easy going kid that DH is convinced this one is coming out with horns and a tail.  I can't imagine calling the kid a jerk though.  At 20 months, it's not like they know better or not yet.  Sure, you're working on that (I assume), but they aren't even 2, can't fully communicate, and have to get their energy out some how.  Totally normal behavior.  It is why we are holding off on our decision to have a third until we see how #2 is, though.

emberlee3

If you consider your 20 month old an a-hole, you're the a-hole. Read Happiest Toddler in the Block. Stop comparing.

Many traits parents complain about in toddlers become desirable in older children, teenagers, and adults. Do you really want your adult son to be described as "sweet and compliant?" Sweet, maybe. Compliant? As in submits to authority figures without question? No.

singingsea

Dude you have a toddler. They do stuff like that.

LisaLisa1980

singingsea said:

Dude you have a toddler. They do stuff like that.

Lol, ya this

Their frontal lobes aren't developed yet, so they cannot think rationally.

Myaflowers

PeopleKnowMe said:

:-O

Sure my son has his moments but I would never consider him an "a-hole". 

I may get flamed for this, but when DD is having a bad day, I've jokingly told DH something like, 'DD is being a butthole today.' I would never say it in front of DD and have a sarcastic sense of humor with DH, so he knows I'm just kidding and love DD with all my heart. When I first read OP's post, I interpreted it as sarcasm, but I definitely see the problem in truly seeing your child as an 'ahole.' It's also problematic when you compare one child to another. I'm a child/adolescent therapist and have seen many kids hurt by being compared to a sibling.

divajackie67

This we are a dry sarcastic humour kind of household. I read the OP's post like we talk in our house, but if she really means he son is a jerk she may need to take a few steps back or get a mommy day to re-evaluate the situation.  

Our son and he is very strong willed and I love that about him. It's harder on me yes, but I love it anyway. I am alway fascinated by how determined he can be. For a month we re-named him "Sir Cranky Pants Ourlastname". After a month of consistent boundaries he calmed down and was back to his normal toddler self. He still has his moments, but they aren't nearly as bad as they were.  

LimaD

Sounds like you were spoiled with your first.  At this age, all they know is what THEY want, how THEY feel....and why dont YOU get it? kwim? Your DD isn't "a huge jerk" because she throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way.  She doesn't understand why she can't always have her way. And she can't communicate to you very well yet.  Also, if you act this exasperated with her in person when she throws fits, you're only encouraging that behavior

When my DD throws a tantrum (even when it is ridiculous and kind of embarrassing)  I typically ignore it.  The minute she realizes that the tantrum is not giving her the result she had hoped, she calms down and might even come get a hug- or go play with a nearby toy. I have noticed her outbursts have decreased quite a bit, and even shortened in length most times too.

You said "I am a childcare provider and none of my kids have ever done this!" -- I don't think kids behave exactly the same with others as they do their parents. I feel like DD gives me a heck of a time with some things and will be much more easy going with it when my parents or a babysitter do it. Just a thought. 

ThatWasAHoot

Thanks for all of your responses.
I know you guys don't know me, but I am very silly and joke a lot.  I would never ACTUALLY call my child names.  I am just being silly and sarcastic.  If anything, I say "No-no, honey, let's not do that." etc.
And no, I don't compare the two on a normal basis.  This was just my train of thought during this post.  I know every child is different.

She really is a sweet girl when she isn't having a meltdown!  I just was wondering what types of things you all have experienced as parents.

As a PP said, children behave differently for their parents rather than their caretakers.  This is true, and I thank you for pointing it out.  All of the children I've had have been very well-behaved for me.

I think once she can communicate more and when she understands that actions have consequences, things will be easier for us.  She is too little to reprimand or do time-outs or anything like that.  So she gets the occasional "no-no." from me and then melt-downs ensue...for like 20 minutes.

I know she will grow out of it.

ThatWasAHoot

divajackie67 said:

This we are a dry sarcastic humour kind of household. I read the OP's post like we talk in our house, but if she really means he son is a jerk she may need to take a few steps back or get a mommy day to re-evaluate the situation.  

Our son and he is very strong willed and I love that about him. It's harder on me yes, but I love it anyway. I am alway fascinated by how determined he can be. For a month we re-named him "Sir Cranky Pants Ourlastname". After a month of consistent boundaries he calmed down and was back to his normal toddler self. He still has his moments, but they aren't nearly as bad as they were.  

Yesss, I am very sarcastic and silly!

I think setting firm boundaries is a good idea.  I will try to be consistent with rules and hopefully it will help!  Thanks

emberlee3

Ok, thanks for clarifying.

My DD is very high energy and independent. She functions very well at daycare because the environment is child-centered. Everything is safe and at her level. The routine is always the same. Her teachers tell me, "she is so calm, patient, and helpful." At home, she does pretty well, too. We have routines, and she can do a lot herself safely.

Any other environment is so stimulating that she goes wild. I know this, so I plan around it. Or at least brace myself for it. Last night was the end-of-school dinner at daycare. It was really for the preschool kids, and it was DS's last one since he will go to K this August. I spent the entire time running after DD. The other little sibs were just sitting on their parents' laps. It was exhausting and slightly embarrassing, but I think most people get that DD is a very energetic child, even for a 2 year old.

ashiscute

ThatWasAHoot said:

Thanks for all of your responses.
I know you guys don't know me, but I am very silly and joke a lot.  I would never ACTUALLY call my child names.  I am just being silly and sarcastic.  If anything, I say "No-no, honey, let's not do that." etc.
And no, I don't compare the two on a normal basis.  This was just my train of thought during this post.  I know every child is different.

She really is a sweet girl when she isn't having a meltdown!  I just was wondering what types of things you all have experienced as parents.

As a PP said, children behave differently for their parents rather than their caretakers.  This is true, and I thank you for pointing it out.  All of the children I've had have been very well-behaved for me.

I think once she can communicate more and when she understands that actions have consequences, things will be easier for us.  She is too little to reprimand or do time-outs or anything like that.  So she gets the occasional "no-no." from me and then melt-downs ensue...for like 20 minutes.

I know she will grow out of it.

I understand about comparing kids.  My DS is much more challenging as a toddler than DD was.  She was pretty mellow as a 1 yo and mostly 2 yo.  I literally call DS monster because he is just all over the place and so wild and has all of the tantrums that DD missed out on.  It can be very exhausting.  

I think you just need to be careful with the terms you use.  Calling her in a-hole in the post didn't bother me because I would say that about my DS.  Just make sure the attitude is right.  

carriesu2003

I just wanted to say that I could tell you were being sarcastic from the get go.  I think every parent has worried that their child is going to turn out to be an A-hole at some point.  If you are not concerned about that then you should be, it is sort of your job to worry about that.  I'm kind of shocked that so many people jumped on you for this.  Sheesh if you can't blow off a little steam on a parenting board where can you do it?

Meery82

Hmmm. I think she was probably being sarcastic/joking, but it is hard to tell from the written word. I can relate to that type of joking. My nickname for DS when I was pregnant was The Jerk because he/pregnancy made me so miserable.

acbfreire

OP, sounds like your DD needs a lot of explaining when it comes to transitions. Tell her "in 5 min we are leaving grandpa's", "now it is time to leave, say goodbye". My DD does not like changes, so I give her plenty of warnings and explanations. It works better that way. If I just pick her up and try to do something, she melts down or gets angry.

ThatWasAHoot

I'm pretty much over feeling the need to explain myself.  I am silly and sarcastic and that is the end of that.

However, I do appreciate the ideas and feedback that have been helpful!
I certainly will try and give her more warning as to when things will happen.  I hadn't thought of that, so I appreciate it! 

sunkissed7804

acbfreire said:

OP, sounds like your DD needs a lot of explaining when it comes to transitions. Tell her "in 5 min we are leaving grandpa's", "now it is time to leave, say goodbye". My DD does not like changes, so I give her plenty of warnings and explanations. It works better that way. If I just pick her up and try to do something, she melts down or gets angry.

This is great advice.  If you were in the middle of reading an awesome story or watching a great movie and someone all of a sudden came and said "ok time to stop that now"  you would be all like "wtf?!  oh heeeeeell naw!" Except you would have the words and cognitive/emotional IQ to say "Hey wait just one second.  This is a great part!"

Also, I want to offer up this...

HUGS.  Hugs can sometimes build that connection before and after correction.  Example:

You see her writing on your car with chalk.  Go to her and say "I love you honey.  I need a hug."  Give her a sqeeze.  Even though you are pissed, it will calm you down and set up for the next comment.  Find your kindness.  Then say something like..."I love that you like to make things pretty with the chalk.  Chalk is for the ground and not mommy's car.  Use the chalk on the ground."  And then you could even say "What should we draw?" Start drawing something. If she goes back to your car again redirect her behavior to something else.  If she throws a fit say "Chalk is for the ground only.  You are sad mommy took your chalk away.  I would feel sad too. You can try again later.  What can you do instead?"  If she continues to throw a fit ask for another hug.  You would be surprised how effective it can be in stopping tantrums and building a connection with your kiddo.

I also would like to recommend to you this: 

https://www.amazon.com/Positive-Discipline-Toddler--Laying-Foundation-Confident/dp/0307341593/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1401291478&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=positive+discipling+for+toddlers

Enjoy that awesome little gal!

Jolililas

My niece was very active, strong-willed, and passive aggressive at that age too. She was also very verbal and understood commands well, but would "test" your limits frequently. She is now 2.5 and, while she has her "moments," she seems to have outgrown that phase, for now.