I've been avoiding this place

kjmitlyng

Hello everyone, I'm so out of the loop with how everyone is doing.  I truly hope there have been lots of BFPs and healthy, happy babies born in the time I've been away.  My situation has not changed.  My husband said he is still not ready to TTC.  It has been 1.5 years since we quit trying.  I'm desperate, sad, depressed and feeling mostly hopeless.  I'm angry with him that he is making this choice for me.  He says he wants to be a father and wants me to be a mother, but I'm not gettin any younger (37) and I'm afraid I will miss my chance.  I have been so miserable and he doesn't understand.  I know he can't understand from my point of view because he doesn't have the time constriction like I do.  It's such a struggle and I feel like I'm surrounded by pregnant people.  In the last 4 months I've known 4 people that have had babies and 2 of my very good friends are currently pregnant.  Not to mention all the pregnant women I see at church every week.  I feel like I have no one to talk to and I don't even want to talk about it to people I actually know because I don't want their pity or their cliched words of encouragement.  I know they mean well, but it just makes me more sad.  My faith is the only thing that has gotten me through all this.  I have to believe that God has a plan in all of this, I just can't imagine why such great pain and suffering needs to go along with His plan.  

Thanks for listening.  It feels good to get some of this out.

P.S. I've gone to therapy myself and we've gone as a couple, we've also sought counsel from our pastor.  I feel like I'm going all the right things and it's not changing the outcome.  I love my husband and want to stay with him, I'm just so angry with his choices, which in turn, change the course of everything we had planned for our lives. :-(

kindershlitz

I'm so sorry about your feeling this way and this difficult situation.  I think it is great that you have done therapy and have your faith. I have no words of wisdom but this is a good place to vent your frustrations.  

I hope you are able to find peace in your journey ((hugs))

CaraH

That's a tough position. You'll be in my prayers.

BeckyP005

Oh sweetie..my heart sank reading this. He STILL is not ready? This has been going on for so long. I'm glad you checked in though. I tried paging you once because I haven't seen you post.

I wish I knew what to say to help you get through this painful time. I know I told you MH changed his mind on kids and I can relate to the hell your going through but he did come around but it wasn't as long as you have been waiting.

You know we are here to pick you up when your feeling down. Did he mention to the therapist why? Is he scared? The money aspect? Maybe afraid he won't be a good father? Did you mention that it might take awhile (I hope not) to even get pg?

I wish I can come and give you a real big hug in person

PrivateOne

My heart aches for you reading this post.  Will keep you in my thoughts and hope that one day soon he will change his mind.  @BeckyP005 has asked some great questions and I'd be curious to know about as well.

Age is most definitely not on our side.  Even for men there are age factors that affect their fertility, though not anywhere near what a woman experiences.  I wish I could give you the magic key that would make him change his mind, but sadly I can only offer you my support, care, and concern.

Samuelismomma

Sorry your going through this ..maybe you could get an appointment with a doctor for preconception check up and take DH and when he hears all the stas tics and numbers for women over 35 he will reconsider. I hate scaring the crap out of ppl to get what I want but he does truly need a wake up call. I will be praying for you! Good luck...

kjmitlyng

Thank you so much, ladies.  I have to run to work but I will answer your questions @BeckyP005 soon.  Thank you again

PrivateOne

Samuelismomma said:

Sorry your going through this ..maybe you could get an appointment with a doctor for preconception check up and take DH and when he hears all the stas tics and numbers for women over 35 he will reconsider. I hate scaring the crap out of ppl to get what I want but he does truly need a wake up call. I will be praying for you! Good luck...

Samuelismommakjmitlyng if you haven't done any sort of initial fertility testing yet I'd say you should go for it now.  It's always best to have information, knowledge is power.

Austrogermokee

Definitely have a preconception workup. Whether you plan on TTC in two weeks or two years, it's valuable to see where you are in terms of fertility. You can also use the meeting to pull together information to discuss with your DH about timelines.

FWIW, I'm 37 myself. So I get how you feel about time slipping away. But what troubles me more is you saying he can't understand. Have you directly told him, " I'm desperate, sad, depressed and feeling mostly hopeless."? If so, how did he react? Did he take you seriously, or did he brush you off as illogical or too sensitive?

stellasoo

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your last sentence about this changing the course of your plans for the future really hit me. I've been at that point and I know it really hits at the core of who we are. Life can feel so unfair sometimes. I hope he comes around soon.

kelley72

I'm sorry you and your dh aren't on the same page, that would be horribly difficult for me.  Some of the OP's have given you great ideas so I'll just send my ts and ps that your journey becomes happier very soon!

latershrader

First off, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It can't be easy to have such conflict with your spouse. I truly hope some of the advice from PP can help you help him to see your point of view.

I do have to ask, before you were married, did you discuss children? At what point did he change his mind?

You are in my thoughts and prayers, regardless.

tlc35

I don't have any more advice to offer but I'm sorry for what you are going through.

TAT2MAMI

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I'm glad that you have your Faith to keep you strong. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Lady2010

I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this.  I don't have any wise words of wisdom but want you to know I am thinking of you.

ksgsmu

My heart is breaking for you.... I'm praying for you and that your husband will change his mind.

thirtyninetoforty

I am so sorry.  I can't imagine having such a road block.  I hope you can find your way through this difficult time.  This board will always be here to support you!

designchica

I'm so sorry.  This is such a painful post to read, and I can only imagine your pain.  

I think at some point, you may need to ask yourself if you are willing to let go of having a child or if you are willing to let go of this marriage, as it seems you may not be able to have both. 

Another thought I have....is he open to adoption?  Since he is willing to postpone TTC so late into your reproductive years, is he prepared for the possibility that you may not be able to have a baby by the time he is ready? And if so, would he be willing to adopt? Would you be open to that agreement? Perhaps it would take some pressure off you if you knew that even if you cannot have a baby naturally, you could adopt?

Again, I am truly sorry you are going through this.  I feel your pain through your words.  Sending you lots of positive thoughts and strength. 

Davie813

I wasn't on this board when you were earlier, but I wanted to send you my good wishes anyway.  I'm so sorry you're finding yourself in this situation, and hope you can come to a resolution or plan of action that gives you some peace of mind.  Hugs to you.

URMySunshine77

I'm also new to this board but want to voice my support. It is so hard when those we love can't support one of our desires. I can't imagine your pain. The PPs shared some thoughtful advice. I also hope that you and your SO can come to an agreement. 

kjmitlyng

Thank you, everyone. I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner. We did talk about kids before marriage, we did pre-marital counseling. We both wanted kids. We tried for 6 months and then suddenly he wanted to stop and hasn't wasn't to start again. He knows how desperate I am and how sad this makes me but he hasn't changed his mind yet. There are times I thought our marriage wasn't going to survive but I am committed to our marriage and him. He said he wants to have children, just not ready to try yet. I am doing what I can to take care of myself. I've been to therapy, we've been to therapy together. My faith is all that gets me through some days. I know God will turn these ashes to beauty. But in the meantime, it is so unbelievably painful. Thank you for your kind words, support and prayers. Much love to you all!

Kim

meredithcarole

I am so sorry for your sorrow. Peace be with you.

danieleandwayne

Wow. I'm sad and heartbroken and angry with him all on your behalf. I think men have such a huge denial defense mechanism in place. I agree with so many other pps-- there are some questions that he needs to answer because it is completely unreasonable for him to simply say "I'm just not ready" without telling you why. I also agree that getting him some information (from a doctor is even more ideal) about how TTC works and how fertility changes for a woman after 35. I'd also include how expensive IUIs, IVF, and DEs treatments get. 

Lastly, I just want to give you hugs. I don't know why men think they are the stronger gender-- they don't deal with the feelings of betrayal that women get when their bodies don't do what they were designed to do. And that's in addition to the fears, the disappointment, the emotional hormonal rollercoaster, and physical discomfort (needles, cramps, invasive procedures). 

I am not religious, but I am sending virtual kicks in the shins and the ever-effective forehead smack to your husband. I really hope he gets on board soon. Or at least starts to communicate WHY he feels the way he does, even knowing how much this is affecting you negatively. 

happygirl36

Thinking of you and praying for your journey [-O<

mindaa

Prayers! So sorry for you... I know I could not do this without a supportive DH. Glad you have actively sought help.

CML11

I'm so sorry, I am so sad for you thinking how I would feel right now to have my husband say that. My stomach is twisting thinking about that loss of support.
Does he give you any other info besides "I'm not ready"? I understand if you can't share details.
Have you thought of going forward with testing and see if he jumps on board when it's more real and he sees the reality if things?
Big hugs to you! I hope things turn around for you.

kjmitlyng

Hi again, everyone.  It's encouraging to read through your posts and see your support.  We are still at a standstill but had a very good and open conversation about things tonight.  I think he is finally "getting it".  The fact that my time is limited and the days, months and years are quickly slipping away.  He is worried that he cannot balance his career and a family.  He's worried he will put his career before his family and doesn't know how to balance it.  He grew up with a workaholic father (his father still is a workaholic at 65) and I think he feels like he HAS to work and create this career to have any kind of self-worth.  We see our therapist on Monday and I'm looking forward to that.  We also plan to talk to my parents as they are a great support to us and my mom is someone who works a TON but has that balance between work and family. 

There is hope...

danieleandwayne

I'm glad you guys got to talk-- clearly, your DH has some very real and honest concerns about his role as a father, which is so positive of him for being aware of it. I think we forget how seriously a "good" man takes that responsibility and what kind of pressure they can put on themselves as a result. 

As women, we constantly face the questions of working outside of the home vs SAHM, how much outside the home vs in the home, what it means to be a good wife, good mother, and good employee/citizen of the world, etc. I don't think men consider those issues until zero hour and then they are considering these weighty issues in a bit of a vacuum since most of them don't talk about this stuff with their guy friends (or strangers on an internet forum!). 

I hope you guys continue to work this out so you can both move forward! :-)

Guennie

danieleandwayne said:

Wow. I'm sad and heartbroken and angry with him all on your behalf. I think men have such a huge denial defense mechanism in place. I agree with so many other pps-- there are some questions that he needs to answer because it is completely unreasonable for him to simply say "I'm just not ready" without telling you why. I also agree that getting him some information (from a doctor is even more ideal) about how TTC works and how fertility changes for a woman after 35. I'd also include how expensive IUIs, IVF, and DEs treatments get. 

Lastly, I just want to give you hugs. I don't know why men think they are the stronger gender-- they don't deal with the feelings of betrayal that women get when their bodies don't do what they were designed to do. And that's in addition to the fears, the disappointment, the emotional hormonal rollercoaster, and physical discomfort (needles, cramps, invasive procedures). 

I am not religious, but I am sending virtual kicks in the shins and the ever-effective forehead smack to your husband. I really hope he gets on board soon. Or at least starts to communicate WHY he feels the way he does, even knowing how much this is affecting you negatively. 

Siggy warning, child mentioned.

All of this, and if I may I would like to offer you some hope from someone who felt all the same feelings you're feeling and finally made it through.

My H completely shut down after our first loss. He had been so excited to have a baby then when things went wrong he suddenly couldn't even talk about it anymore. I don't know how I made it through those dark times. This board helped a lot. I was totally in limbo for a long time. It took 3 losses and 2 years of not being able to communicate before I finally got a bfp that stuck and we were graced with a beautiful baby girl. My H is now the happiest dad you've ever seen. I am SO GLAD I didn't give up.

I know you haven't suffered losses but something has scared your H. There is no other reason he would have suddenly wanted to stop trying, unless he never really wanted kids and just said he did to go along with you.

I would like to tell you that he has to talk to you and reveal everything he's feeling...but my H never did that. He gave me hope by not preventing, but at the same time made me feel helpless by hardly ever being in the mood. His mixed messages were so confusing and hurtful to me. But he was going through his own confusion and did not know how to handle it. Men deal with fears by throwing up walls and getting defensive.

Keep trying to communicate all of your feelings with your H. It needs to be very clear how you feel and what you want. Ask him to be totally honest with you. I can't guarantee he will be able to talk to you, but you have to try. This would not have happened for us if I hadn't kept trying. In the end even though my H could not open up to me, the effort I kept making got through. P.S. I got my bfp at 40 and I was put on a new protocol by my RE which I believe made all the difference. You still have time but it would greatly benefit you to have some testing. Knowledge is power.

I am so so sorry you are going through this and I really hope you will be able to get on the same page again. I hope your H can face whatever is holding him back. You definitely do not deserve this heartache.