Intro

hopin4babies

Well where do I begin? I have been lurking here the past few months since my loss and think its time to intro.
After trying for over a year to get pregnant we had just bought our first home and a month later on October 16th we got the fantastic news that I was pregnant. We were absolutely overjoyed but it seems that from that moment everything in our lives have fallen apart. 10 minutes after we got the positive test we got the call that my husbands great grandmother had passed away. Two days after that my husband was laid off from his job and he was by far our main income and insurance. A few months later he started school but couldn't receive any grants because he made too much money the year before. We argued with the school but nothing changed. Right after he started our heating unit broke then had several pipes freeze despite having space heaters in the house keeping it fairly warm. A week later I was also laid off. We decided since I was almost 5 months at that point that I would just stay at home until after I had our daughter and then look for a job since jobs in my field are hard to come by in our area anyways. A few weeks later I noticed I felt wet down there but didn't think much of it. I thought it was just extra discharge since I was pregnant and hadn't felt any gushes whatsoever. The next day on February 16th I decided it was time to start organizing her things and getting her room ready but I was getting very tired very easily and then felt a slight gush. We went to the hospital and I was told it was amniotic fluid and that my water had broken but it was technically just a leak. I was also dilated to 3 cms but not having any contractions. They put me on bedrest to monitor me for infection overnight. The next morning I had an ultrasound and my baby girl was doing great except that she was breech which was still normal at that point. I had been feeling her kick all night which comforted me and she had a very strong heartbeat. My body was replenishing her fluid and she actually had a normal amount of fluid. At this point I was 21w3d. After the ultrasound they told me since things looked so great I would stay one more day on IV antibiotics then go home to stay on bedrest for a week or two and continue taking antibiotics. We were so happy and I finally got to eat and rest. Then a few hours later I started feeling what I thought were contractions. They came on very quick and were only a few minutes apart. The dr came to check me within about 15 minutes and I was fully dilated. At this point I knew my baby girl was not going to make it. I was not able to have an epidural so they gave me two doses of morphine. Less than an hour later I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl. We named her McKenzie Nicole (had that name picked out since we started dating). She weighed exactly 1 pound and was 10.5 inches long. She lived for about 45 minutes but we got to hold her for hours and have her baptized. This was the worst day of our life. Just a week before everything looked great at her anatomy scan and now she was gone. I was supposed to get to go home still pregnant the next day and it all drastically changed in a few short hours. Its been a rough few months and right when I thought I was starting to feel better I found out that I had an incompetent cervix and that was why I was dilating without contracting until the end and why my water broke.  That has been a huge set back to me. I'm glad to know what the cause was and so happy it can be fixed, however it just confirms that had she been someone else s daughter she would have made it. That is the hardest thing to know.

Since then we have been followed by more bad luck. When my husband was originally laid off he was told that he could go back to school and receive unemployment until he graduated. We don't like taking government assistance but at the time figured that was our best option for our future. A month after being told that they changed the rules and that is no longer the case. No one let us know even though they knew he was in school. We only found out a few weeks ago when his unemployment ran out. My parents have been helping us out financially because they know we are down on our luck but now we have to worry about losing our home if we don't both find jobs soon. I am going to Chicago Friday to have a TAC put in place so that we can have more kids so it just feels like this couldn't come at a worse time. I hate complaining about all of this but I just feel like our lives are falling apart in a very short time. We have always worked hard and waited to have kids until we both had good jobs and everything has fallen apart. I wanted to start trying again soon but I know that can't happen now until we can get back on our feet. To top it all off this surgery coming up in a few days is just bringing back all these emotions and I just keep thinking I should be having McKenzie next month not going to have surgery just so I can have another baby some day. I'm sorry this is so incredibly long but I just needed to get all of this out and know you all are so supportive. I'm really hoping this surgery is the begining of getting our lives put back together.
Also I wanted to see if anyone else has had a TAC put in place by Dr Haney and any advice for preparation and recovery. I'm starting to get nervous.

Noethola

***Ticker***

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter McKenzie.

angelsnight

Ticker warning and rainbow mentioned

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet McKenzie.  We also lost out daughter to an incompetent cervix, last year at 22 weeks 2 days.  I remember those feelings well, that absolutely nothing was wrong with our daughter, but my body couldn't keep her safe.  In the hours while I labored, I wished there was some kind of safe bubble we could keep her in until she was due.  I'm not sure if it would have made me feel better for there to be something wrong with her....probably not, but I felt so powerless, knowing she would have been just fine had my body kept her safe.  I felt very guilty, and even though I know it wasn't my fault, it makes me so sad that I couldn't protect her.

Our daughter's name, Kayla, was also picked out long before she was conceived.  Actually MH told me how much he loved the name on our second date, 6 years before.  McKenzie Nicole is a beautiful name. 

I'm assuming TAC is a trans abdominal cerclage?  I don't know much about them, but I have heard that they have a higher success rate than a trans vaginal, and can be left in until you're finished having kids.  I had a trans vaginal one put in with my last pregnancy and my cervix held up beautifully and our rainbow is now 2 months old.  You're in my thoughts and prayers for your upcoming surgery.  Big hugs to you.

stefuge

I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet McKenzie and that you find yourself here. I don't have any experience with a TAC, but I wanted to send some ((hugs)) and say that we are here whenever you need us.

junebugjam

I'm so sorry for your loss. ((Hugs))

lexusolsen

I'm so sorry for your loss.

ajsweeton

****ticker warning****
****rainbow mentioned****



I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet McKenzie. I lost twin boys at 22w5d in December of 2012 due to incompetent cervix as well. My water broke and contractions started after having a cervical check. I researched a TAC, but I live pretty far away from the areas where they are done. In my second pregnancy (another twin pregnancy) I had a transvaginal cerclage placed at 14w. I made it all the way to 37w with little to no cervical changes. My b/g twins are now 1 month old and doing well. I hope that the TAC goes well for you and that things start to look up financially for you.

MCH77

((HUGS)) I'm so sorry for your loss. 

Maybe Joleisa

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. McKenzie is a beautiful name and thank you so much for sharing your story.

My twin boys were born at 21w6d after my cervix shortened; I painlessly dilated and went into full-blown labor. The only thing that kept me going those first few weeks was learning all I could about IC and in doing so I learned about all the different cerclages, including the TAC. I'm an Abbysister--Dr. Davis did my TAC on 3/21. I looked at it as part of my emotional recovery, as it did help knowing I was doing 'something' after being able to do absolutely nothing to save our sons. After 3 years of infertility treatments my body failed me.

I had a pre-pregnancy traditional TAC. Surgery was on Friday afternoon and I was discharged 24 hours later on Saturday. Getting up and down from laying hurt until about Tuesday, but then subsided once the staples were removed. I returned to driving myself to work 6 days later on a Thursday. (Dr. Davis says if you can't jump off the bottom step, you shouldn't drive--I winced before jumping, but was fine!)

I hope the TAC helps in your recovery and that your luck starts turning around financially. ((big hugs)) Please check back in when you are all TAC'd up.

LyndseyTS

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter McKenzie. I know this won't be of any consolation, but my husband and I have had similar circumstances over the past year. You will get through it. My best advice is to just take things one day at a time. Don't feel overwhelmed by whatever lies ahead. Know that I say this not to be judgemental, but because we're "there" right now. My husband also lost his job (was laid off) and hasn't been able to find anything since. He's gone back to school part-time, but still nothing (this was about a year ago, now). He's currently working for minimum wage part-time without benefits, because that's what's available and we need to make ends meet somehow between the two of us. Because of the nature of my job, I am usually only able to work part-time and it's very inconsistent. I was working my butt off (picked up another job) to get enough hours to qualify for maternity leave once Serenity was born. Because she was born 3ish months early, I didn't have enough ours to take any time off of work with pay, which means going back sooner than I had wanted to. I'm still experiencing physical complications and haven't stopped bleeding (almost 11 weeks later) and my husband's best friend (who is 26) just died of an incurable cancer. All this to say that life sometimes hits you all at once with everything. Try to see the small bits of joy in the day. I do. Sometimes I succeed and other times I fail, but I always try. Thinking of you during this over frustrating and difficult time and sending hugs your way. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.

TeamWinForever

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Life does have a way of hitting you all at once with difficult circumstances. We lost Fiona on March 20th. My grandmother passed away almost exactly a month later, and then my husbands grandmother passed a few weeks after that. It can be so hard to stay positive when it feels like the world is working against you, but I agree that it's so important to find small joys and things to be proud of. I hope things start looking up for you soon.

mingaling2

I'm so sorry for your loss of sweet McKenzie.

shandorfml2

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl (((hugs))

jenandbrett

I'm so sorry. We were both on the June 2014 board, I'm sorry we have found ourselves here. I will be praying for you as you and your husband go through these trials. I know it is so scary right now, hang in there.

luckyclover0922

Im so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. ((Hugs))