Need to vent, MIL driving me crazy!

WildFire012

Hi, I am currently 29 weeks and 4 days. Yesterday I went for my normal check up and found out I was having contractions that I didn't even feel. Was checked and I'm dilated to a full 1 and was told I was very soft and she could feel the babies head which has really scared me because this is my first pregnancy. They stopped the contractions, gave me steroid shots and put me on bed rest. Well ever since all this happened my MIL is more worried about herself then the safety of me and the baby. My mother and her talked yesterday on the phone which nothing mean was said. My mother was telling how much she appreciated her helping taking care of me and that everyone was gonna take shifts helping me out since my husband works from 3 to midnight during the week. My MIL picked me up to take me to the doctor today for my other steroid shot and she is a very over emotional woman, she started crying to me about how my mother called her saying she wasn't being nice to her. So I called my mother later that day and she and my sisters said that she was very nice to her. My MIL is pushing me away so bad and she shouldn't be stressing me out while I'm going through this with early labor. Then my MIL is having family reunion this Sunday that is 30 to 40 mins away from where I live. She has the nerve to ask my doctor if I could go to her family reunion, which my doctor kind of gave her a look like I can't believe she asked that. She told her I could make an appearance and that was about it. The only reason she asked that because she is upset that if I don't go that her son won't be there for her family reunion. I told my husband about it that I wasn't going to go and risk dilating more, which he is perfectly fine with it because he said our little family is more important then anything and he wants to take care of me. I am very thankful for my husband but I feel like he needs to put his mother in place. I just think it's very inconsiderate that she is putting her wants over the safety of me and this baby. I don't know how to deal with her but I'm to the point where I can't handle being around her anymore cause all she ever wants to do is complain and cry to me or talk bad about my parents

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Maladroit

Why doesn't your DH just go and you stay at home for a few hours?  Make sure you're all set up with beverages, magazines, remote, laptop, book, whatever you like and let them go together if you don't want to go.  I get that you need to be on bedrest, but you are still allowed to be alone and get up once and awhile to take care of yourself.  If it was STRICT bedrest and they were seriously concerned about baby coming, they'd keep you in the hospital on Strict bedrest and monitor you and baby for contractions and labor progression.  I don't know what to tell you about your MIL talking bad about your parents, but that sounds like to need to just ignore the drama...sounds like your mom does. 

bluebird0521

It just sounds like your MIL doesn't understand the situation. I don't feel like she is being inconsiderate, but then again I am judging by what you have written here and I don't know her.

I would sit her down and explain to her how serious this is, and the consequences of the baby being born this early. She probably just doesn't know what those consequences are or what bed rest really is. You would be surprised how many people I have told I am on bed rest and then they ask me if I can go out to lunch. When I re-iterate that I am on bed rest, they are actually genuinely shocked that it means literally laying in bed all day and only using the restroom or a very quick shower. People are just dense and sometimes they just don't take in everything you tell them.

I will add that it sounds like you are stressing yourself out, not that your MIL is causing you stress. If I got stressed out everytime someone wanted me to go somewhere or do something I couldn't do, I would go insane.

jcartz

Listen, I GET selfish, uncooperative, and clueless MILs who think everything is about them and take everything as a personal affront. My MIL has cried about so-called offenses done to her as well, and is as manipulative as they come.  I have been dealing with her for 12 years, and nothing we do or don't do can change THEIR actions. We can only control OUR actions and reactions to their selfish behavior. Say no to the reunion, tell your DH to talk to HIS mom to let her know the severity of the situation, and follow your doc's advice. Period. Women like your MIL (and mine) need to be thanked and feel important, so thank her for taking you to the doc and whatever else she's "done" for you, but make your decisions based on your health and the health of your baby, not on what anyone else wants for you/themselves. You're 10 weeks early, not 10 days. I know it's emotional and hard to sort through the guilt people put on you, but step outside the situation and try to look at it logically to do what's right for you & baby, end of story.

alisonmoose

Urgh, your Mother in law sounds like a pain, like others have said, get your husband to make it clear to her how severe your situation is, and how you need to put yourself and your babys needs first.
Get him to deal with her, as you need to remove yourself from any stresses.

Stay on bed rest if that's what the doctors have advised, take it very easy, take care of yourself and your little one, if your mother in law takes offence to that then so be it, but you and baby are the most important priorities right now.

Maybe you can screen any phonecalls too, some days I go "off the radar" because I cannot cope with the constant phonecalls from fussing family members, so if you are home alone and feeling stressed, don't answer the phone, just do whatever it takes to keep yourself calm and relaxed.

take care

shesamommy

I think theres a "make it about me" trigger that goes off in some MIL's brains because mine seems to think she's the pregnant one.  I agree with others, hang out at home while your DH shows his face at the family reunion. Focus on resting. Her issues aren't worth the stress on you and your baby.

PrimRoseMama

MrsMuq said:

Your husband needs to sit down and explain the severity of the situation to his mother, and explain any limitations you have as advised by your doctor.

And, yes, you are being a bit dramatic.

Agree. Your MIL sounds clueless, not selfish or malicious.

oughtonk

I'm sure she's not understanding the situation and you and DH need to explain to her that for you the baby and your health is more important.  I've been on bed rest for almost 5 weeks now and I will tell you from experience, most people don't understand it because they haven't dealt with it or been around someone that is going through it.  You are right that you don't need the stress that she's causing you but at the same time you have to relax and not allow what she's doing to get to you.

If you explain it to her she will probably understand and not be as concerned with the family reunion or other things over the next few weeks.  As PPs have mentioned though it sounds more like you're on modified bed rest and can still do a little bit, you just have to listen to your body.  If it's telling you to rest you need to rest, if you feel more comfortable not doing anything then put your foot down and tell people that.

It's also okay for your DH to go and you to spend some time alone.  I go at my day on my own daily during the week from 7am-6pm while DH is at work, my mom comes over to pick up my son to take him to school and drops him off when he's done.  I make one trip down the stairs in the morning and one trip back up at night and set myself up in a chair with food and water, work remote, watch tv, crochet, cross stitch.  I actually enjoy the peace and quiet and not having people here driving me crazy.

tammyh2o

First, you are not being dramatic or overly emotional! I am pregnant with triplets and went in the hospital for preterm labor at 24 weeks right when the baby(or babies in my case) become viable if born and had a similar situation. It was extremely scary. Each week the outcome gets better but there are several issues that go along with premies. Many others here said have your husband help which mine did. We did a mock conversation which helped him keep his points. But something that really helps is sending links from medical sites which explain the severity of preterm labor. This helped a lot! It was someone else telling her. I also prefaced that I was not sending to upset her but to give her information and that I was scared and need help getting settled into bed rest. Your husband should be with you if you need/want him regardless of what he's 'missing'. When going to dr appts with her ask of there are any questions she would like you to ask. Hope this helps!!! Good luck! Bed rest is not fun!