Matched.

KezziRiv

We had our dinner on Friday night with the couple and their 10 month old and the head of our agency. It was 3 hours(!) and everything went great they confirmed at the table that they wanted us and we exchanged phone numbers, we later texted that night just telling each other how happy we were to be matched.  

The thing is, she hasn't been to a doctor yet and we are all going today.  I am worried that once she sees and hears the baby things will be different.  I had a little cry about it last night and DW sort of blew up. I know she is just as anxious and expressing her feelings differently than me. I just wanted a little hug and reassurance that everything will work out as it should.  She is so anxious that she is questing if we should move forward at all.  

The couple seem very serious about placing but I guess you never know.  I don't want them to place with us if they don't want to but of course I really want this placement to work.

Advice?

Dr.Loretta

This sounds to me like normal emotions associated with adoption. IMO you should tell your wife when you're just venting and need reassurance vs when she needs to jump in and try to fix it.

In the end you're just going to have to trust that it will work out. Hopefully you'll get a better read on their feelings after the dr appointment. Keep us posted

maryoosa

Yes. Sounds like totally normal emotions. The one piece of advice that a friend who had adopted gave me that was exceptionally helpful (though hard to hear) was "Women who make adoption plans  pre-birth have to chose adoption twice. Once when they make the plan and again after birth" You just have to trust that if she knows her mind now, she will know it at the appointment and subsequent ones and again at placement. It's not an easy thing, placing a child. And it has massive amounts of grief associated with it for the birth mom and the birth family. There is a lot of loss there. There is also tons of love (at least in our adoption).

As for the DW blowing up--- my partner and I had a really rough road during our journey to placement after matching. We were both SO stressed out dealing with the what if's. My advice there is going to be try to find an outside support person- a friend, a therapist- someone who isn't your wife to lean on. Adoption is so hard- and trying to rely solely on each other as support during this when you each are having concerns and fears is just gonna get messy.

annalisel

First, congrats on your match. It sounds like your relationship with the birth family is off to a good start.

I was the one in our relationship who was extremely anxious with what ifs and it definitely frustrated DH. He acknowledged that the things I was anxious about were valid, but that we would either be the baby's family or not, and nothing we were doing or thinking would change the outcome. We could either be happy in the process or miserable and he wanted us to be happy. I can't say that it totally calmed me, but his solidity during the wait really helped.

FWIW, we did have a short-lived match where the birth parents decided to parent before the birth but we're extremely happy about how things are working out with our second match. (We're between placement and finalization.)

KezziRiv

Thank you ladies so much, it really helps to hear your thoughts and experiences.  The ultrasound went really well, it was super emotional (of course). It's a boy due September 8. We all cried.  We asked EM if she wanted another day to think through things with her boyfriend and she said no, she was sure.  She gave us the ultrasound pictures. 

 She and I chatted via text later in the evening and I just expressed to her how happy we were but that we didn't want her to think our happiness excluded her pain. She was great and wrote back how happy she was that we were happy and how she was sure we would be great parents (this caused DW to burst into tears). EM and I have lunch plans for next week that I am really looking forward to.

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JoyfulJuly

I just want to say congrats and my fingers are crossed for smooth sailing for you!

JWinCT

That's wonderful! Good luck with everything!

plus12012

That's amazing. I am so happy for the both of you.