Number of children

angelsnight

Forgive me, I'm sure this topic has been beat to death, but I'm having a really hard time with it right now.  How often would you say you answer truthfully when people ask how many children you have?

When I was pregnant, I almost always answered truthfully because I found it easier to word it in a less painful way.  If people asked if this was my first, I'd say it's my third pregnancy but hopefully my first take home baby.  People got it, and wouldn't dig further (usually) but they all took it gracefully (ie, nobody looked at me in horror like I had three heads).

But in the two months since our rainbow arrived, I've been asked many many times if she is my first, and every time but one I've lied and said yes.  I know we have to answer in a way that makes us comfortable, but I hate lying, I feel TERRIBLE.  It hurts me to say she's my first, I already feel guilty over my rainbow sometimes, worrying that my angel thinks she's been replaced, so I really hate saying Emily is my first, as if Kayla didn't exist.

However I find it so hard to say no, our first daughter was stillborn, or we lost our first daughter.  I also don't want to respond in a way that makes people ask what happened, like they think we lost her once she was already here, because I don't want to feel like anyone would think "oh that's not so bad" if they originally thought I meant I lost an older child.

Any suggestions on a better way to word it, so I can feel good about telling the truth?  I admit, some of my resistance to tell the truth comes from not wanting to make others uncomfortable, which in turn makes me uncomfortable.  I completely agree that we shouldn't be afraid to talk about it, and the silence needs to be broken, but when a sweet little old lady approaches me all smiles, saying how cute my daughter is, it's just so awkward to drop the "bum out bomb" that my first daughter died.

Junebug060609

"She is our first at home". "She has a sister in heaven"

Those are ways I have heard other Loss Moms explain it.

Hugs. It is a tough question.

lolee465

When it's a stranger asking who I'll never see again, I lie and say Ryan's my first. If it's someone who I don't know well, but will probably see around I tell the truth. I just say 'we had a daughter who passed away' if they ask questions I don't mind saying she was born too early, and didn't make it. Anyone who would think 'that's not so bad' is completely clueless.
I hate that question too!:( hugs

ProfessorPedals825

I agree with @milkergirl1.  I just say yes, she's my first, because random people don't need to know.  My family and close friends know, and I have not forgotten about our first, so I feel like it's the right thing for me to say.  I also like what @Junebug060609 said.  She's our first living child, and we have one in heaven.  Big ((HUGS))

Wifey xo

milkergirl1 said:

I always say DS is my only one.  IMO, random people don't need to know and it only makes the situation awkward.  But I have also been very private about my losses, too.  I know some have stated that it feels like you're not honoring your losses when you "lie" but I feel like as long as you know the truth, it's ok.   

This is how I feel. My twin sons would have been one this month, and I find I spare myself crappy comments like, " You wouldn't have this little guy". People who don't understand say the darnedest things, so I say Tate is my first to prevent strangers from inadvertently twisting the knife. Big hugs.

KikiCohen

milkergirl1 said:

I always say DS is my only one.  IMO, random people don't need to know and it only makes the situation awkward.  But I have also been very private about my losses, too.  I know some have stated that it feels like you're not honoring your losses when you "lie" but I feel like as long as you know the truth, it's ok.   

This except we weren't totally private about our loss bc we had already announced our pregnancy. So most people know.

BootsOrHearts

I usually just say he is our first if I don't want to get into a whole thing. Sometimes I will say 'he's my only living child'.

Most people I work with know about our loss, because, and I don't regret this at all, when I took off of work to deal with the m/c I asked my boss to please tell everyone what happened for me, to save me the pain of having to say it over and over and over. And it worked great. I got lots of 'I'm so sorry' when I first talked to someone but I never had anyone ask how the pregnancy was going or ask why I was out of work for so long or anything else awkward like that.

Anyway the interesting thing about coworkers knowing was loss parents came out of the woodwork! I had colleagues I didn't know very well say 'my wife and I had five losses before our son came along' and whatnot. It was just nice to know that I wasn't alone and that other people suffered and I never knew. Not NICE but you know what I mean, I didn't feel so alone.

angelsnight

Thanks all.  I was asked again today and I said she was my first.  Sigh...I guess I will just answer with what feels right at the moment. 

Oddly enough, the one and only person I've told the truth to since she was born, completely understood because her best friend lost her baby the same way I did.  We ended up talking about it the entire time I was there (getting a pedicure).  It's like in my heart I knew it was ok to tell her.

I guess along with the guilt, one of the big reasons I feel like I should tell the truth is to help break the silence.  It's such a taboo topic, and I feel this responsibility to help it not be so taboo...but then again I am only just over a year since our loss.  Maybe when more time has passed and I can better talk about it with strangers I can be more forthcoming.  But for when I am feeling brave, I like the suggestion of "she has a sister in heaven", or "she's my first living child".

chloebeth930

We had a blighted Ovum with our first loss so I never got to see any fetal growth at all.  For me, my 1st loss was a loss of pregnancy not of a child (I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound insensative).  So when people ask how many children I have, I only ever feel like my DD is my only child so that is how I answer.  When people ask how many pregnancies I have had (usually only medical professionals) I say 2.

I know it is not the same, but when I was 14 I lost my dad and sister in a car accident.  Whenever people ask me if I have any siblings it always is such a loaded question.  "Yes, but she died.  Yes, I did.  Yes, an older sister."  Sometimes I have just said, "No" because I didn't know the person and wasn't likely to interact with them in the future.  I do always feel gulity when I say no, but sometimes I just don't have it in me to explain to someone.

I say do what feels right at the moment.