Honestly, how to manage active/jealous toddler with newborn in the house?

vszapp

DD is not taking well to the new addition in our house (2 weeks old). We tried to prep her best we could, but of course nothing could really prep her for the shock of not being the center of the universe. I know it will take time, but DH is scheduled to go back to work next week, and I truly have no idea how we'll manage once his mother leaves in a week. DD (26 months) went from being sweet and compliant to utterly defiant, aggressive, and willful. Of course some of these are classic toddler traits, but the switch was so amazingly drastic that it's appalling. My heart breaks that she is going through so much stress, but I know in the end it's a life lesson she must learn. We are trying to deal with her with as much patience and love as possible, but DH and I both get exhausted trying to keep her in line. We try to turn her into a helper, which works around the baby but does nothing for how she is acting everywhere else. I am terrified that we are going to permanently change her for the worse because we simply will run out of patience for her antics. Already I find myself getting short with her when she yells, throws things, and opposes us on *everything*. Where did my sweet girl go?? And how can I help her come back? And WTH am I supposed to do when I have them by myself all day? I laugh at myself that I can have a successful career and be utterly clueless about how to manage this situation... Would love to hear any ideas that have worked for you all!

ashiscute

Is there a way to get her involved in something like a gymnastics class or preschool that would get her out of the house and away from the baby for a bit?  My DD started a gymnastics class at 27 mos that she loves and is really good for her.  It's good for her to get positive reinforcement about something completely unrelated to baby.  Or maybe a local preschool that does 1 or 2 mornings per week would be an option?  

My DD was 19.5 mos when DS was born but she did not get too jealous.  She was obviously very confused and had lots of tantrums at first but it didn't last too long.  If she hit (myself, DH, or DS) she went to timeout immediately.  If she had a tantrum and her needs had been met we ignored it.  Make sure that she is getting 1 on 1 attention from each of you each day.  Try not to relate her behavior to the baby (don't be loud, the baby is sleeping etc) unless it's hitting or dangerous.  

It will get better (it's only been 2 weeks!  I'm sure it feels like 2 months).  Try to keep her routine the same as possible.  Ignore negative attention seeking behaviors that aren't a danger to anyone for right now.  It's hardly worth the fight at this point.  Please don't feel she'll never adapt because she will.  Good luck.  

vszapp

amy052006 said:

It sounds like you work. What did you normally do about childcare? Maybe getting back into that routine would help.

I was working and we have a nanny. We kept the nanny on at 3dpw during my leave so we wouldn't have to find a new one. I am going back to work in 12 weeks. DD gets more upset when the nanny comes bc she knows I will be staying home with the baby while they go play.

ashiscute

vszapp said:

It sounds like you work. What did you normally do about childcare? Maybe getting back into that routine would help.

I was working and we have a nanny. We kept the nanny on at 3dpw during my leave so we wouldn't have to find a new one. I am going back to work in 12 weeks. DD gets more upset when the nanny comes bc she knows I will be staying home with the baby while they go play.

Do you ever leave the baby with the nanny and do special outings with just your DD?  I know your baby is only 2 weeks but that might be a good start.  Maybe just a trip to the library or something?

SusieBW

ashiscute said:

vszapp said:

It sounds like you work. What did you normally do about childcare? Maybe getting back into that routine would help.

I was working and we have a nanny. We kept the nanny on at 3dpw during my leave so we wouldn't have to find a new one. I am going back to work in 12 weeks. DD gets more upset when the nanny comes bc she knows I will be staying home with the baby while they go play.

Do you ever leave the baby with the nanny and do special outings with just your DD?  I know your baby is only 2 weeks but that might be a good start.  Maybe just a trip to the library or something?

This was going to be my suggestion, too.  I have no experience with 2 kids, and will be there this fall, but it sounds like maybe some special time alone with you and your DD might help.  Maybe once or twice a week, you and her could go out alone and do fun stuff (picnics, library trips, playgrounds, etc.)

barnwife

Congrats on the new LO!
I agree with pp...get your older LO into whatever the new routine is ASAP. If that's spending 3 days with the nanny, that's what it is. She can be happy, angry, frustrated, whatever but that doesn't change the fact that that is what happens.
Also, prioritize alone time with her. When baby is sleeping or whatever, color or paint or read books or whatever she chooses to do with you. Even better if you can spend one on one time with her away from LO.
A strategy you may not have tried when baby is crying is to let baby cry for a minute or 2 if older LO needs something. Tell the baby, "Oh I am sorry but big sister needs me right now. I'll feed you as soon as I...(get big sis a snack, put on her fave TV show, etc...)." It might be hard to hear baby cry, but it may help big sister to know sometimes her needs/wants still come first.
Cut yourselves a lot of slack. And I mean a lot. Let things go that you normally wouldn't. Your whole world has changed. So has big sister's. And she has no control over things. You at least are in charge. When we've been in that transition period, I overlook a lot of things I normally don't. (We have a third LO, S., who is 8 mo.)
Give big sister control over whatever you can. So give even more choices than you used to. Which plate do you want for breakfast: red or blue? Which cup? Where do you want to sit: next to Mom or Dad? Do you want to change your pants or shirt first? Ask for her help with baby whenever possible? Always forget to bring a burp rag when you sit down. Ask big sister to bring you one. Say "I think baby is chilly. Could you find me a blanket for him?"
And finally, cut everyone more slack. As long as everyone is fed, clothed, and breathing at the end of the day, it's been a good one. 

janinekrause

i got lucky- but my older daughter was 3, and she wasn't jealous for some crazy reason. But its normal to be very jealous, and I also think the age makes a difference. My 2 1/2 year old (with no additional stress) has become quite a pain in the XXX lately- lots of tantrums, lots of meltdowns- definitely an age thing for her.

Why don't you spend some time with her when nanny comes- go out to the park, breakfast, lunch, etc.  Maternity leave was super hard with my 2nd because of balancing 2 kids- but also amazing in a lot of ways. I had help- my husband was home at the time.  I loved all the extra time I got to spend with her (since I work full time). We went out a lot and left the baby with my husband, mom, etc. I would take advantage of this time with your older one.

And take a deep breathe- you are exhausted, emotional, hormonal, etc. You are not going to "permamently going to change her for the worst"- I promise.

vszapp

Thanks ladies. I am dealing with an oversupply and am trying not to pump until I get it under control, then I definitely look forward to getting out alone with her. She does go to music, gymnastics, and swimming with DH or the nanny, so she has lots of distractions. Sometimes even the first few hours of the day are almost unbearable, but we are weathering it as best we can...

janinekrause

Yes, once you can get that under control- definitely will be fun to spend time with her They always want their mommies- but the balance gets easier in time. Although my 5 year old still gets more attention than my 2 year old. She is just the needier one.

dashofreality

I had 2u2, it is tough. It really sounds like she just wants some mommy time. Definitely make sure that you are giving the baby to your husband or nanny for a stretch of time and solely focus on your DD. If you don't feel like you can get out of the house, that is fine, make a big point of this is our special time what would you like to do. If mornings are the worst, try and get a chunk in then.

I also agree with PPs. Give as much independence as possible, but I would maybe back off of asking her to help with the baby all the time. Set up things like cereal for her to get herself or her clothes. If both kids are upset, I would go to your older child first, the baby will be ok for one minute and won't remember, but your DD will. Agree with saying to the baby that she needs to wait while you help your DD so that your DD hears that. Lots of hugs. There are times when tantrums are for attention and times when the child just can't control their emotions. Rocking my older DD for a few minutes really helps. Any violence gets a punishment, but emotion can get comfort.

Honestly, the first few months were very tough on me. We went through a hitting stage with DD and I was just exhausted. But things do get better and now my kids are super close and neither can stand to do anything without the other. Hang in there!

vszapp

dashofreality said:

I had 2u2, it is tough. It really sounds like she just wants some mommy time. Definitely make sure that you are giving the baby to your husband or nanny for a stretch of time and solely focus on your DD. If you don't feel like you can get out of the house, that is fine, make a big point of this is our special time what would you like to do. If mornings are the worst, try and get a chunk in then.

I also agree with PPs. Give as much independence as possible, but I would maybe back off of asking her to help with the baby all the time. Set up things like cereal for her to get herself or her clothes. If both kids are upset, I would go to your older child first, the baby will be ok for one minute and won't remember, but your DD will. Agree with saying to the baby that she needs to wait while you help your DD so that your DD hears that. Lots of hugs. There are times when tantrums are for attention and times when the child just can't control their emotions. Rocking my older DD for a few minutes really helps. Any violence gets a punishment, but emotion can get comfort.

Honestly, the first few months were very tough on me. We went through a hitting stage with DD and I was just exhausted. But things do get better and now my kids are super close and neither can stand to do anything without the other. Hang in there!

Thank you - I needed this. This morning has been just MIL and me while DH is at work and it has been really tough. I try to do a lot alone with her - I get her up and spend alone time with her in the morning, chunks of play time, read with her before naps and bed for at least 30 minutes each time. I am hoping that once we can start going on short outings that will help. Good to hear that it can take months - I naively thought we would get over the initial hump faster. So far things still seem to be getting worse, and of course yesterday she told me to get rid of him. I saw that one coming...

aglenn

Mine are 2.5 years apart and I remember a couple of months before DS was born DD just suddenly seemed to go nuts.  There is something about that almost-2.5 age that is just hard (DS is there now), so keep in mind that a LOT has to do with the age.  The new sibling no doubt does not help, but I don't think it's all about that.

There are great suggestions above about trying to get one-on-one time when you can, and cutting yourself a lot of slack.  At that age routines really helped DD, and giving her special priveleges that the baby couldn't have (and pointing out that it was a special big girl treat) like getting to watch a show or have some sort of treat to eat.  Honestly, a lot of it just came down to accepting that this was going to be hard for a while and taking it one day at a time.  Hang in there!  It does get better.

dashofreality

vszapp said:

 

Thank you - I needed this. This morning has been just MIL and me while DH is at work and it has been really tough. I try to do a lot alone with her - I get her up and spend alone time with her in the morning, chunks of play time, read with her before naps and bed for at least 30 minutes each time. I am hoping that once we can start going on short outings that will help. Good to hear that it can take months - I naively thought we would get over the initial hump faster. So far things still seem to be getting worse, and of course yesterday she told me to get rid of him. I saw that one coming...

Going from 1-2 was a million times harder than going from 0-1 for us. I was not prepared for how difficult/overwhelming it was going to be. My DD was so young (19 months) that she didn't get it so she wasn't jealous, that was the one good thing, but even without dealing with that it was tough on me. I constantly felt that I was failing one of them, but the feeling will pass. Now that my youngest is almost two it is not much harder than having 1 kid, and they play together and entertain each other. Just hang in and give as many hugs/cuddles/rough playing that you can.

Oh and one thing that I think might have helped was from an early age I made a big deal whenever my DD was kind to her brother - T that was so nice of you to bring J 'x', that was kind of you to think of him. I'm sure a lot is her personality, but she shares very well with him and she does nice things for him, like she will bring him a toy when he falls and cries or she pours him a bowl of cereal when she gets hers. Maybe that will help some. Otherwise, I would just let her dictate as much as she can within reason and hopefully this phase doesn't last long.