Just need to vent...

shaylagirl

I'll preface by saying this is going to be long, and sorry in advance. 

I've always known blending a family was hard.  I KNEW it. 

Perhaps it's my pregnancy hormones going nuts, or maybe I'm just getting to the end of my rope, but every little thing is driving me nuts lately.

SS is 12.  DH has primary custody.  They don't have a formal visitation order, but she "usually" takes him every other weekend.  We usually don't know if she plans on taking him until she calls or texts DH, usually late in the day/evening on Friday night. 

I have specifically asked DH to PLEASE tell her to not wait that late, because we can't make plans with OUR family (there have been at least 3 different occasions where OUR plans were trashed because of this situation).  His stance is that they don't have a formal order, so he feels like he really can't deny her access to her son since there's nothing formal.  This is annoyance one.

SS really isn't the cleanest of boys.  He has to be reminded to take a bath (he'll literally go DAYS unless someone tells him to take a bath), brush his teeth, wear deodorant, etc.  He wears glasses.  A few weeks ago, BM texted DH that she was taking SS to an eye appointment, and that he mentioned (since he's in baseball) that he hated wearing his sport glasses (they fog up), so she was going to get him contact lenses.  DH texted her back and said he didn't really think that was a good idea.  BM got SS contacts anyway.  I told DH that this was a MEDICAL decision and she made a unilateral decision about THEIR son's health, despite him saying he wasn't fully on board.  I wear contact lenses, and I pointed out to DH all the potential medical complications that can come from dirty fingers on contact lenses going onto eyeballs.  He said "Well, she's already spent the money, so, whatever."  Annoyance two.

There is an age gap between our boys (mine is 16, his is 12).  Until about 2 years ago, it was just DS and myself in a house.  I taught DS to do ALL of his laundry at the age of 11.  He had to hand wash and put away ALL the dishes, and if it wasn't done right, I made him do them again.  He also had to clean the cat box and make sure the dog and cats had food and water.  He also wasn't allowed to leave his backpack, or socks and shoes in the livingroom where I could trip over them.  He also was responsible for cleaning his bathroom, and taking out the trash from the ENTIRE house once a week and taking the can to the curb.  Honestly, these (excluding the laundry and the hand-washing dishes) were all the chores I did as a kid.  For the past 2 years since I've been living with DH, EVERY.SINGLE.DAY SS has to be reminded to get his dirty socks and shoes out of the living room.  I -think- he's mostly broken of leaving his backpack and all of it's contents strewn all over the house.  I have a calendar that I write the chores each boy is expected to do on what day and they're to check it.  We had a family meeting and I told BOTH boys, if the chores aren't done to the standards written out (they're typed out HOW and WHAT is expected of EACH chore), then they lose ALL electronics (phone, laptop, handhelds) until the NEXT time it's their turn to do chores.  DH and I discussed it and he said he's behind me.  Except, when SS doesn't do the chore right (this has been going on for MONTHS now), he's just told to do it again.  I'm sick of it, and told DH I feel like he's undermined me.  Now SS knows that I have no "bite" in the house and that he's not REALLY going to lose his electronics.  DH always ends up finishing off SS's laundry because SS will throw a load in on Friday night as he runs out the door to his BM's, and DH won't let him wear 'dirty' clothes because he thinks it looks bad on him (DH).  So, I set DS and SS different nights of the week to do their laundry.  And, big surprise, it's not getting done.  The hypocrisy is driving me nuts.  And I know it's something DS notices and it bothers him.  He does his chores, with OUT having to be reminded, but SS gets 'gentle' reminders all the time, and DS has mentioned a few times how he doesn't feel it's fair.  I agree.  But, again, when I mention this disparity to DH I hear "Well, SS is ONLY 12, while DS is 16.  There's a BIG age difference there."  It's so very frustrating and I don't know how to address this.

My most current frustration.  SS went to BM's over this past weekend and he came home Monday morning after having had a sore throat most of the weekend.  One of his step-sibs was diagnosed with strep throat late on Monday.  We kept thinking it was allergies (they're BAD here in Texas) because he didn't have a fever, and he seemed mildly congested.  He stayed home Tuesday and didn't feel any better.  Wednesday I had to take off work for my own doctor's appointments and dental appointments.  DH asks me to try and squeeze in the time to take SS to the Urgent Care clinic between my appointments.  Ultimately, I didn't have time, but here were my complaints.

BM has a MASSIVE unpaid bill at the clinic I myself currently go to.  This is the same clinic that DH and SS used to have their doctor's at.  But, because she has this massive unpaid bill, they're not allowed to go until the bill is paid off.  She has ZERO intentions of paying it off; despite being a nurse herself.  DH has since found a doctor for himself, but SS does NOT have a doctor.  Anytime he's sick, DH or BM take him to urgent care.  DH also doesn't have a copy of the insurance card.  No, BM texts him a photo of it, that he forwards to me, in case I can take SS to the urgent care clinic.  One, my last name is still my maiden name.  I have NO proof I'm a 'legal guardian' of SS.  Two, I'm pregnant.  I do NOT want to expose myself to a bunch of sick people.  Three, this is THEIR SON.  ONE of them needs to take the time off work to do the RIGHT thing for their son.  Why is step-mom doing this?  Yes, DH was out of town on business, but the bull about BM having back to back patients...I could care less.  Your son is SICK.  Do the right thing by him!!  How hard is this?!!!

I told DH to call his doctor and see if they couldn't somehow squeeze in SS early Wednesday, since I had to take time off work to take DS for a follow-up appointment to this doctor, I could take SS too.  Well, there wasn't an opening until later in the day on Wednesday and DH was like "Do you HAVE to go to work on Wednesday?"  Yes, yes I do.  I'm trying to hoard my vacation and sick and all my leave for my maternity leave. 

Of course, while I have DS at the doctor's office, I mention DS' throat has been a little sore, but I thought it was just allergies since he never had a fever and his glands weren't swollen.  They did a rapid strep test; that came back positive.  So, now I know SS' been exposed to TWO people with strep.

Yesterday was SS' birthday, but DH made him go to school since he'd missed 3 days.  Ugh.  Not a great idea, but...whatever.  SS texts me in the late afternoon to say his mom's taking him out to dinner for his b-day.  I call DH and suggest he call BM and have her take SS to the urgent care clinic since she IS a legal guardian, she HAS the insurance card AND she has the time.

I ask him later if she's doing it.  His response; "Well, SS says he's feeling better, so, we're not going to take him."

I know I saw red.  I KNOW I did.

The absolute capper?

She calls DH at 6am on SS' birthday.  No biggie; I think they're trying to figure out what to get him and finalize their trying to buy him a $400 laptop (which I was against, because SS' broken his current laptop twice, and broken I dunno how many handheld devices and phones).  I'm still asleep and DH asks me if we have plans on Sunday.  I crack an eyelid open and tell him "I have NO idea without looking at my personal calendar."  And go back to sleep.

Last night, while we're out getting water for DS to take on his band trip, DH mentions to me that BM told him we're going to grill burgers and her family (her, her husband, and the 3 kids in their house) are coming over.  I almost lost it.  She TOLD him?!  I asked him who's BUYING all this stuff?!  We're on a tight budget (DH just took a second job to help pay down bills and pay for the coming baby), we don't HAVE the extra money.  Nevermind the fact that the house is a mess, that he's working tonight, we have plans for Saturday, his best friend is coming in to town to stay with us, and that we do NOT have the room to entertain people.  We also don't have a GRILL!!!  I asked why couldn't we just take SS and his 2 friends out to dinner and everyone could join us.  "By the time we do that, it'll cost too much."  Yeah, because buying meat to feed potentially 11 people is cheap!!  He's planning on grilling on his little propane grill he takes camping.  This sucker will do MAYBE 6 burgers at a time?  We also don't have enough SEATING in our house for 11 people.  We have a couch and a loveseat.  That's it.

I'm just furious because he can't seem to tell his ex-wife "No" or stand up for OUR family.

So instead of getting to go home and relax tonight, I'm going home to a sink full of dirty dishes (because I KNOW SS won't have them done), sweeping, mopping, cleaning and laundry to try and get done TONIGHT.

I just don't know how to handle this all.  I've told DH he'd do well to keep BM away from me.  With this pregnancy, my filter seems pretty much gone.  I'm furious she won't take time off work when her son is sick to take him to a doctor.  I'm furious that DH allows her to dictate things to him that impact my family.  I'm VERY unhappy he didn't ask me if this plan was okay (He told me this is what SS wants, so I feel like a total biznitch if I put my foot down).  I'm uncomfortable with her in the house (this is the same house they bought together, so it makes me SUPER uncomfortable when she comes in).  I REALLY just want to spend all day Sunday in our room and plead some kind of pregnancy 'issue' to avoid all of this bull. 

Sorry, I know this is so SUPER long.  I just needed to get it all out SOMEWHERE. 
 

+just+j+

You have a DH problem. Not a SS problem. The issues you have with him picking up his things and doing chores - all normal.  He's a normal 12 year old boy.

When your SS does not do what you tell him, there needs to be clear and sound consequences and you need to enforce them on SS AND your husband.

AND FOR GODSAKES, your  husband needs to get his ass a lawyer, get to court and write up am f-ing Court Order.  Seriously. This bugs me to no end. In my opinion, you (and I mean your DH, not necessarily you) can't complain and whine about the problems you have not being able to stick to any plan when you don't have a court ordered agreement. 

I used to live in Texas, I know if you can't afford one, you can get assistance or a state appointed one.  My former husband's ex-wife used one all of the time.  Lawyer up and get one.

I strongly suggest you have a coming to Jesus talk with your husband about what needs to change, when he has to do it, or you have clear and concise consequences - and you better provides ones that you know you can follow thru on and that he does not want to happen. 

Good luck. I sympathize. And I repeat....GET A COURT ORDER.

+just+j+

Oh, as far as her being lazy and inconsistent.  Write up clear rules and guidelines of the changed that need to be made NOW or she won't get to pick up her son as planned. When she doesn't call until last minute.... tough.  Go do whatever it is you planned to do. Make her feel the pain of it and start respecting your time and personal plans.  Your husband has allowed her to continue to take advantage of him.  You can have rules and set boundaries and standards and still effectively co-parent.  It's common courtesy and respect and while they are divorced..that doesn't have to go out the window, and shouldn't be allowed to go out the window. 

cole2144

I would go on strike until DH grows a pair.

shaylagirl

+just+j+ said:

Oh, as far as her being lazy and inconsistent.  Write up clear rules and guidelines of the changed that need to be made NOW or she won't get to pick up her son as planned. When she doesn't call until last minute.... tough.  Go do whatever it is you planned to do. Make her feel the pain of it and start respecting your time and personal plans.  Your husband has allowed her to continue to take advantage of him.  You can have rules and set boundaries and standards and still effectively co-parent.  It's common courtesy and respect and while they are divorced..that doesn't have to go out the window, and shouldn't be allowed to go out the window. 

The child custody agreement has nothing formal about visitation, which I told DH was STUPID.  My own child support order has clear rules and guidelines about my son's father's visitations. 

I've told DH multiple times; Look, if she calls THAT late, tell her NO.  This isn't FAIR.  Which is why I always hear him say "But, I don't think that's fair to her."  And I've told him, well, it's certainly not fair to US.  Unfortunately though, DH just lets her do her thing and if SS's gone when we get home...he's gone.  Which usually leads to a very chilly evening in our house.  So you'd think DH'd rather deal with BM's ire than my own.  Apparently I'm not that big of a bitch. 

My sister's actually suggested that DH, myself and BM (and I would assume her husband) all sit down with a mediator and draw up specifics about visitations, etc and hammer out all of the medical things as well.  I genuinely don't know how that works with my last name being my maiden name if I need to take SS for a medical appointment or anything else requiring a legal guardian being present.

I do need to just start doing following through with punishments.  This is my own shortcoming, and I need to work on it.  I usually will mention to DH that if as I'm walking out the door in the morning, some chore wasn't done, I'm going to punish SS when I get home.  The last time this happened, DH had a fit at me, and justified SS's actions.  At which point, I threw up my hands and told DH if that's how he wanted to be, one, he just reinforced to SS that I have NO power in the house, and two, if he was okay with the status quo, DH was never again allowed to complain to me about chores not being done.  Because he was passively okay with it.

And, yeah...I've pretty much gone on strike.  Most nights, if I walk through the front door and there's a mess, I just keep on walking right in to the bedroom for the rest of the night. 

ambrvan

When DH and I disagreed on what chores tge kids were capable of doing (mine are 4 and 8, so not on the same level as yours but sane basic principle), I told him he was in charge of everything we disagreed on.

It took different lengths of time on different chores for him to get fed up. My house was an embarrassing mess. But I came home one day to one frazzled husband who had spent all day scrubbing from top to bottom and had the kids going at it too.

Then I picked up the next day exactly where I had left off, and the kids have been actively helping out, usually with no reminders ever since. They actually ask me if they can help me do extra things, which I knew won't last, and if they want something extra like time on the PlayStation, they ask if they can do "a job for me."

It was so hard, but I went on strike and just kept my cool. I did for myself and did the bare minimum for anyone else. I felt so selfish, but I had to let DH realize how difficult he was making life for others. I let the kids and DH reap their own consequences.

ambrvan

JMPrice said:

I'm sorry you're going through this and so stressed out while pregnant!

IMO you need to take a huge step back and refuse to take SS to the doctor. It is DH or EW job to do this. No means no. I would also not allow her in my house for a social event. And if your husband wants to entertain 11 people without your consent, don't do ANYTHING to help him with it. Don't clean, don't cook, don't even be there. I'd leave for the day or sit in my bedroom saying I didn't feel well. And DON'T go be a part of mediation, this is DH's issue to deal with.

I fully agree with the PP on going on strike and letting everyone reap what they sow. Be a bitch. Bitches get stuff done.

I disagree with the last part. Don't be a bitch about anything. How many XWs are "bitches"? Acting like that doesn't get anything done. It only makes your spouse feel agitated, defensive, and even more inclined to disagree and fight.

Be graceful. You can take the high road from it all without giving in if it truly is an important point. But choose your battles wisely.

shaylagirl

Last night I let him deal with the dirty dishes and stuff that wasn't done, despite it being SS's night (we had band concerts to attend).  I also held my tongue when he asked why HE was the one cleaning up instead of the boys.  Just shrugged to myself and went into the bedroom.

I'm going to do my best to just sit back and let him pay the price for SS's laziness.  I'm not sure if that will work, but I'm tired of dealing with all the stress.

The problem with barring her from the house is that DH wouldn't tell me any of my ex's aren't welcome in if I invited them over.  It's as much his space as it is mine.  For the record, HE isn't comfortable when she comes in either, and has told me as much, but he deals with it because of SS.  And, if he won't bar her entry, then I won't either.  It just weirds me out.

When it came to prepping the house for Sunday, I made him do all the housework and MOST of the clean-up after everyone left.  I threw a few things into the dishwasher, but then went to lay down.  I don't think he'll dare allow himself to be volunteered to host a party again.  But, who knows.  Mostly I'm ticked that he didn't -ask- me, he just -told- me that we were doing it.  Things like that set me off.

Abenedict2011

First off I am sorry you are feeling this way; I know I have felt this way often. I sit everyone down and explain to them that I'm going on "strike." I explain that means I will make sure people are fed, but beyond that the rest is up to them. This goes for DH as well bc as you said sometimes there is a double standard.

I hope you DH is open to hearing you out. I personally uninvited SS's BM's family from an event when I didn't feel comfortable with her in my home. Put your foot down when you feel it's necessary. You should feel comfortable in your own home.

Good luck.

+just+j+

Actually, going on strike and not cleaning up doesn't mean you have to be a bitch. Just don't do it. When the house turns into a pig sty....he will notice. And say something. And that's when you say, "I'm sorry. With the way you all leave your dirty dishes and make messes....I thought you preferred your home to be a mess." When he protests, then say, "There needed to be a wake up call so that you all see how much I do around here to clean up after you. tomorrow there are new rules and new roles and new chore assignments and everyone pitches in to help from now on".

+just+j+

I don't get "barring" an ex from your home. What is the issue exactly with that?   While I don't think they should be allowed to get cozy, I don't think it's right to leave them out on the front step. It's rude.

My ex-husband's girlfriend has "barred" me from their home. Why? Because she doesn't want to be judged. Swear to god. She doesn't want me judging her home. I've already been in it, so I already know what it looks like.  Even if I have passed a judgement...I have kept my mouth shut.  I am polite. I am nice.  I stand in the entry.  Now for some reason, I'm banned.    She doesn't like to be judged?  Well, that move just made her look insecure, unlikeable, and like a bitch.  Just saying. 

ambrvan

+just+j+ said:

I don't get "barring" an ex from your home. What is the issue exactly with that?   While I don't think they should be allowed to get cozy, I don't think it's right to leave them out on the front step. It's rude.

My ex-husband's girlfriend has "barred" me from their home. Why? Because she doesn't want to be judged. Swear to god. She doesn't want me judging her home. I've already been in it, so I already know what it looks like.  Even if I have passed a judgement...I have kept my mouth shut.  I am polite. I am nice.  I stand in the entry.  Now for some reason, I'm banned.    She doesn't like to be judged?  Well, that move just made her look insecure, unlikeable, and like a bitch.  Just saying. 

You know he probably said you said or would think something just to paint you in a light benefiting him.

I think I have way more reason than many to ban BM from my home, but I won't because it wouldn't be right considering I still have to mange some sorry of civil relationship with her for SD.

Think of how it would look to your SS if you threw a fit about BM coming in. That doesn't mean she has to be invited for dinner or anything, though.

Wahoo

I think you handled the party really well!  When I first read your post, I really thought you were enabling DH.  You'd say "I don't want a party here," but then run around cleaning up.

GOOD FOR YOU for making DH deal with the consequences of inviting his ex over.  Hopefully he will learn. 

Also, I'm glad you allowed him to clean up the dirty dishes.

Maybe you should change your system for chores for the boys.  Perhaps if your son does his chores on time, he gets a REWARD (money for gas, extra time out on a curfew, help with something he likes).  That way, he doesn't end up feeling like there is no point in doing what he needs to do on time.

Or, don't tell your DH "I'm going to take SS's electronics because he didn't do chores."  Just take the d*mn things.  If DH wants you to give it back to SS, let him do the chores. 

As for visitation - - why does it have to impact your schedule if BM takes SS?  If you plan things as a family - go anyway with your son and DH.  If DH doesn't want to go (or can't go, because your plants coincide with the time BM is dropping him off), let your DH stay home.  You planned an outing to the beach, and BM took SS?  Oh well, I guess SS misses this trip to the beach.  Maybe he will be around for the next one. 

I agree you don't need to be a b*tch to go on strike.  "The dishes weren't clean, so I couldn't make dinner on them.  I guess you'll have to order a pizza."  Make it about consequences.

shaylagirl

Wahoo said:

Maybe you should change your system for chores for the boys.  Perhaps if your son does his chores on time, he gets a REWARD (money for gas, extra time out on a curfew, help with something he likes).  That way, he doesn't end up feeling like there is no point in doing what he needs to do on time.

Or, don't tell your DH "I'm going to take SS's electronics because he didn't do chores."  Just take the d*mn things.  If DH wants you to give it back to SS, let him do the chores. 

As for visitation - - why does it have to impact your schedule if BM takes SS?  If you plan things as a family - go anyway with your son and DH.  If DH doesn't want to go (or can't go, because your plants coincide with the time BM is dropping him off), let your DH stay home.  You planned an outing to the beach, and BM took SS?  Oh well, I guess SS misses this trip to the beach.  Maybe he will be around for the next one. 

I agree you don't need to be a b*tch to go on strike.  "The dishes weren't clean, so I couldn't make dinner on them.  I guess you'll have to order a pizza."  Make it about consequences.

I hadn't considered the reward system.  I'll kick that idea around some.  Probably because I already make sure DS has gas for the car if his paychecks are slim, give him money for food and other little things.  I'll come up with something, but that's a good idea.  Thanks!!

The reason it impacts me is because it's rare for us as a family unit (ALL 4 of us) to go out TOGETHER and do things.  So, if SS doesn't go, then DS is like "Then I don't want to go either" or "Do I HAVE to go?".  And, I already spend enough time with DH that I don't NEED more time with him...;)  This is probably one of my own 'issues'; when I make plans, I get excited about it, and when it falls through, it brings me down or I get a little depressed because I was so excited about it.  That might be why it gets to me.