PTSD

GymSpaz26

My counselor told me a couple days ago that I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I've been trying to process this, but it is kind of hard to get my head wrapped around it. In some ways I feel like it is good to have a name, a reason for some of what I've been dealing with. I've had so much anxiety and panic and other things that just seemed kind of out of place as part of a normal grief process, and so not me. So I guess it helps to maybe understand where some of that comes from. 

I think my counselor has known for a long time, but hadn't specifically told me. She isn't one to give a lot of diagnosis. Like telling you, you have x, y, or z. We just talk and work through things, without the labels usually. So in this case she just mentioned, "well in dealing with PTSD, .... is important". So apparently, I have PTSD. 

I posted a few days ago about holding my friend's four day old daughter. (Which was beautiful and I've held her several times since.) But even though it was beautiful, it was also full of anxiety and panic. In all three days that I've held her, I've had moments of panic where I haven't been able to hear or feel her breathing. What the counselor told me is that basically since my son stopped breathing unexpectedly in my arms and the whole experience was so traumatic with the paramedics and CPR and everything, is that my brain has re-written itself. It tells me, I hold babies, babies stop breathing. So I panic.

So part of my healing and preparing to (God willing) someday have another baby is to try and desensitize and retrain my brain. I need to hold babies. I need the experience over and over and over again of holding a baby and that baby continuing to breathe. Wow. I think this is a little easier said than done?

I don't know if any of you have also dealt with PTSD. Like I said, this is still pretty new to me and I'm just trying to wrap my brain around it. 

lrichmond86

I have had PTSD since our first loss as well. For me it was the frequent flashbacks that caused my counselor to put a label on it. Is a really difficult thing, and although I am having some setbacks since our most recent loss, I really was doing well prior to that. Counseling has been the greatest help for me. I would encourage you to stick with it. I'm sorry you're dealing with it at all, though. It definitely sucks on top of all the "normal" grief things.

shandorfml2

Just wanted to offer lots of hugs!!!

LyndseyTS

More hugs!

LyndseyTS

I'm so glad that you're getting some help. I'm booked to start counseling this Thursday (and boy do I feel like I need it). This can be so crappy. We've had a bunch of other "tough stuff" thrown our way in the last little while as well. Hoping that things will turn around for you soon. Sending hugs!

hsabyan

((hugs)) to you.  I'm so glad that you're finding help through counseling.  I think it can be so helpful to have another person's insight on your thought processes.  If you know the connections your brain is making, it's easier to retrain them.  (I obviously use the term "easier" loosely, none of this is easy).  I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of the emotional aftermath of your tragic loss, but I'm glad you have support to help you find your peace.