C-section Guilt/Vent (kind of long)

acdiaz11

In the past year MH and I have had four of our couple friends get married as well as us. All five of us couples (plus one that is not married) were/are pregnant which is really exciting!!! All of our kiddos will be growing up together!

The first couple (the not married one) had there LO in January and due to a breeched babe had to have a scheduled c-section. Due to complications during my LO's birth, we had an unplanned c-section. The third couple just went into labor today and are currently in the hospital awaiting their LO's birth.

I am so excited for them, but I can't help but be a little jealous, sad, and guilty. Along with having a c-section, I was induced because the doctors thought that LO was much bigger than she was. I feel jealous, sad, and guilty because 1) I never went into labor on my own, and 2) I never naturally gave birth to my LO and most likely will never do these things. My doctor does not recommend VBAC, I could try but most likely the answer is no.

I am so grateful to have my LO and incredibly blessed that she is healthy, but I wish that I could experience labor and natural birth. I am trying to put it out of my mind, but I really just want to cry it out. MH is trying to be supportive, but he just doesn't understand, so I'm hoping some of you might have some encouraging words.

jennlanting

I would say to try and find a different dr with your next pregnancy that will let you do VBAC

oceanangel0502

I agree with pp, I would find a different dr. That will allow you to try vbac, I don't see why they shouldn't let you

jasi704

I can totally relate. I wanted so badly to have as naturally of an experience as possible. And that all got crushed once I was induced, which ultimately led to a c-section. I get pretty sad whenever I think of the whole experience. But the silver lining of course is that I have a healthy baby boy, and who really cares how he got here. I too am hoping for VBAC, but my doc did tell me the majority of women who attempt VBAC do end up ultimately having a c-section. She didn't really go into the reasons why though. Did yours? I guess in just blindly trust my doctor. Never really thought of talking to another. Anyway...just wanted to let you know you're not alone. But whenever I get down, my LO's smiles and coos cheer me up

mrsdahamm

I can kind of relate. I did go into labor on my own, 4 1/2 weeks early. I failed to progress past 5cm so I had a c section after 12 hours of labor. My OB also said I was welcome to try for a vbac next time but he didn't think it would happen. My baby was only 6.5 pounds and still didn't "fit." It's very frustrating and a sense of betrayal, but like pp said, at 3.5 months after having him, it doesn't matter how he got here. I still have waves of sadness of not having that "natural" birth, but I'm starting to except it is what it is.

Let yourself cry it out. Grieve the loss of the birth you wanted. And snuggle that little one and move on hugs!!

angelsnight

I get it, I had to have an unplanned C section too, which I never ever wanted.  And I won't attempt a VBAC if we do it again, but then again I had my "going into labor and delivered vaginally"experience with my angel, only problem was I didn't get to bring her home.

Now I don't mean for this to be a "be grateful you got your baby because so many people don't" kind of reply.  I totally get mourning an experience you wanted and didn't get to have.  But when I am bummed about something, it helps me to think how it could always be worse, and look for silver linings. 

Lots of people may have gotten the vaginal delivery you wanted, but with other problems that you got to avoid, like a bad tear, or maybe fetal distress which made delivery very scary, etc.  Just saying, even if you had a vaginal delivery it doesn't mean everything would have gone perfect and you have no regrets.  Plus the Csection doesn't sound like something you chose, it was out of your control.  After 32 hours and I was only dilated to 3, my doctor started talking Csection.  It was always my biggest fear, but at that point I was ready.  She said I could wait another few hours but she really didn't see it happening.  I didn't want to choose a C section if just waiting more time would make a vaginal birth possible, but since it seemed like the only way, I was ok with it.

Childbirth is such an unpredictable thing, it really all is about the end game.  She's here, you're both healthy and happy.  It's ok to be sad, but try not to dwell on it and let it spoil your time with her now and your overall view of the whole thing.  Good luck!

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jennybean80

@acdiaz11‌ and @jasi704‌ I'd really suggest you find out why your doctors don't recommend/support VBACs for you? Where I work we see about a 75% successful VBAC rate, so they are definitely possible. Some things do make it less likely to happen (really small pelvic outlet, no really progression after active labour started, etc) but we have patients who surprise us all the time. Now if there is a legitimate concern that's one thing, but just saying 'they don't usually work' is a cop-out.

Also find out which direction the scar on your uterus is (scar on the skin doesn't count, they can be different). A horizontal scar is stronger while a vertical scar put you at higher risk of uterine rupture in a VBAC. GL!

Pankers

I had to have a c section because LO was breach, and for the first few weeks I mourned not having a vaginal delivery as I felt I didn't bond instantaneously, but now it doesn't matter. I love her to pieces and it doesn't matter which way she came out, she's perfect (plus her face is so cute because she wasn't squeezed out;)). I asked about VBAC and my Dr said there was no reason I can't as it was only because baby was breach. As PPs have said, I'd check out a VBAC friendly dr to see if you get a different opinion.

klp830

I can relate 100%. I was induced the night before my EDD. After 29 hrs, I was still only 1cm and the dr did an emergency csection and had to stay 4 nights.

I let myself grieve it all and thought I was over it. After all, like PP have said, my little boy is the end result and he is healthy and thriving--which he might not be if we hadn't done the csection.

Fast forward 9.5 weeks and my sis-n-law just went into labor with my third nephew. They were going to induce her bc they said he was too big, but she started having contractions on the way to be induced.

Tuesday She had a beautiful healthy baby boy after about 7 hrs, naturally and went home after one full day in the hospital.

I am so happy and adore my nephew obviously but am experiencing emotions I thought I had already worked through.

I think the hardest part to swallow was she asked my mom if she wanted to be there when he was born bc she didn't get to see mine be born and most likely wouldn't ever see a birth if she didn't see this one.

Won't lie: to see how excited my mom was hurt. It was like my body had failed not only my baby and me, but also everyone else.

acdiaz11

Thank you so much for your encouragement ladies!

@Jenstwins‌, my doctor does not recommend VBAC because when going through natural labor you cannot tell what is going on internally. There may be a lot of scar tissue and the previous incision maybe rupturing which can lead to an emergency c-section. He says having a RCS is safer than having and ECS.

I trust my doctor completely after what we went through with this LO. I wouldn't want to go find another doctor and risk unsafe delivery next time just to experience a natural birth. He and I will need to talk it over next time and see what he thinks, after all he did my c-section so he knows how he closed and such. I'm just mourning not having that experience that some of my friends will have. It makes me feel like I failed in some way and almost like they won, if that makes sense.

jennybean80

Ask if he did a single or double layer closure. A double layer is stronger. I would never say VBAC is for everyone, it isn't, but a blanket statement that a RCS is safer would also worry me. Surgery has it's associated risks as well. Our VBACs are treated as 'higher risk' and have continuous monitoring to trouble shoot potential complications. I have seen a couple scary situations with VBACs, but I've seen complications with elective sections too.

Bottom line, you need to make a decision you'll be happy with. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your doctor so you respect his opinion, and that's good!

legallyginger

Jenstwins said:

@acdiaz11‌ and @jasi704‌ I'd really suggest you find out why your doctors don't recommend/support VBACs for you? Where I work we see about a 75% successful VBAC rate, so they are definitely possible. Some things do make it less likely to happen (really small pelvic outlet, no really progression after active labour started, etc) but we have patients who surprise us all the time. Now if there is a legitimate concern that's one thing, but just saying 'they don't usually work' is a cop-out.

Also find out which direction the scar on your uterus is (scar on the skin doesn't count, they can be different). A horizontal scar is stronger while a vertical scar put you at higher risk of uterine rupture in a VBAC. GL!

I don't know about others, but my OB told me that VBACs are not nearly as successful in women who failed to progress or had pelivises that were too small. She said the best candidates were women who has CSs because of breech presentation or fetal distress. She stopped short of being unsupportive of me trying, but told me it probably wouldn't work out for me. I was in labor for ~36 hours and stalled at 9cm for about 6 of them, and LO came out with quite a conehead because he was having trouble fitting.

I'm on the fence about trying for a vbac... all I know is that I DON'T want to risk recovering from prolonged labor followed by a CS again.

jennybean80

@legallyginger‌ You're right that not everyone is right for VBAC, so the 75% I mentioned are of women who are determined to be a 'good candidate' for a VBAC. Like you said, women with c-sections for events that are not highly likely to repeat (breech, cord prolapse, cord around the neck/body, fetal distress from infection, or other position problems like poor head position) are more likely to be successful at VBAC since you have a good chance those same events won't occur. However your pelvis is your pelvis, if you have certain pelvic shapes it makes vaginal delivery much less likely. Stalled labour can be one indication of this. Your doctor can help decide whether it's realistic for you to attempt a VBAC, I just am skeptical when they don't want any of their patients to VBAC!

saisongbird

I completely understand - I had 40 hours of labor - 24 for induction, 16 for labor and ended in a c-section with severe complications.  LO and I were in the hospital for 5 days, I lost so much blood I was green and my family hired a baby nurse for us for two and a half weeks because I couldn't do much for a week and a half!  I am a poor candidate for a VBAC because of failure to progress (never got past 7cm), failure to engage (she never got past -2) and a small birth canal.  That being said, I'm terrified of a repeat C because of everything that went wrong.

I mourn her birth all the time.  Can't talk about it without crying.  I didn't get to see her for 12 hours and after that I couldn't physically get to the NICU to see her for another day.  Five weeks later I have a sweet little peanut who is asleep in her swing.  But I understand where you are coming from.  People say that the only thing that matters is getting your baby here safely, but unless there is a problem with your birth experience you don't realize how much the experience matters too.  Things that everyone else took for granted (skin to skin, rooming in, even HOLDING your baby immediately after birth) were taken away from me, and I mourn that.  Daily.  I know for me, it's going to take a LOT of time.  And tears.  But that's ok.  And it's ok to mourn what you didn't have - and anyone who tells you otherwise is a fucking asshole.

acdiaz11

Thanks for all of your knowledge and advice @Jenstwins‌!! I will have to ask him at my next appointment.

countrymice06

I didn't read the responses, but I just wanted to sympathize.  I had a vaginal delivery with my older daughter, and I thought everything would go smoothly this time too.  It is a long story, but I know that the csection could be avoided.  For the first few weeks it bothered my a lot, and I was never one of those people who dreamed about it being the most beautiful experience or anything.  But I feel like a failure.  However, it really is true that as time passes, it will matter less and less.  I had a friend compare it to something that went wrong on your wedding day... seems like a big deal at the time and when friends are getting married, but it fades with time.   I know several people who have had VBACs, and also, by the time you are ready for you another LO, you might feel totally different about it.  Good luck!  

megs68

I carried around a lot of grief over my first c/s with DS. I couldn't watch birth shows on tv or I'd start crying over my lost experience and my very unwanted surgery, I think it caused me to suffer some post partum anxiety. It was quite traumatizing for me. I planned a VBAC with DD but went to 42 weeks with absolutely no progress and had another. I planned a vba2c with DS2 and had yet another c/s due to no progress. I finally accepted my body was one of the few that was unable to deliver "normally" and there must be something wrong with my pelvis. Despite taking birth classes, seeing great doctors who were totally on board with the VbACs and doing every single thing I could to go into labor, my body wasn't meant to deliver that way. So for me, it took three c/s before I could feel content and peace with the way my kids were delivered. I am sooo glad though that I tried everything else to VBAC so I could come to terms with that. I would very much recommend aiming for a VBAC. The medical guidelines all say VbACs are safe and the appropriate option for most women, so there's no reason a doctor should deny you this if you are otherwise fine. I would 100% find a new doctor who will abide by the ACOG guidelines. Hopefully not, but this may be the only way you can get comfort from your birth experience.

erinsullivan427

I can relate in a way, but I had a vaginal delivery. I was induced and it was really difficult to wrap my head around it at first. I think it led to some complications since my body wasn't ready. (Induced due to Bp issues.) My two best friends both had c sections within a month or two of me and had much better recoveries. I am almost 11 wks pp and am sore when I vacuum, walk, stretch at the gym.

teachermommy9967

I totally understand what you are feeling. My twins were csection due to baby A being breech. I felt like I had lost out on the natural birth experience I had always imagined. Of course I was glad they were delivered safely but I felt like I missed out on something. And yes as supportive as my hubby was he did understand.

But this time around I had LO VBAC and it was an amazing experience. I still never went into labour on my own and had to be induced. I still wish I would have gone into labour on my own but having a vaginal delivery after a csection felt healing. I no longer have those feelings of disappointment about the csection.

Find a dr who supports VBACs!

pepperedmoth

Huh. I was a section for failure to progress and my OB said I was a great VBAC candidate. I was a failed induction though, and maybe it'd be different had I gone into spontaneous labor? Plus he was a really weird malpresentation.

Anyway. OP I've had many similar feelings to yours and I really empathize. I really wanted the vaginal birth experience. I'm happy for the outcome, but in all aspects of my life I value the journey as well as the outcome and it is hard not only to not have the journey I'd hoped for, but also to have had a kind of rotten one on top of it.

Anyway it has helped me to think about the value I can get from my journey just as it was. A big reason I was so interested in an unmedicated vaginal birth was because I was curious to see how I would handle the challenge. I think people show their deepest selves when they're going through that sort of physical, mental, and emotional crucible. C-section or not, I was in the crucible for sure! I also wanted to see how my husband and I would work as a team. I got that, too. Last but CERTAINLY not least, I believed that unmedicated vaginal birth would be best for LO. I still believe that to be true in general, but in my situation it just wasn't. A c-section turned out to be best. So I got that, too.

When I think of it, except for one very small part of the journey (pushing!) I got everything I wanted out of the experience. That has really, really helped me.

Re: the body failing thing, what has helped me is to acknowledge and own that yup, my body did fall down on me on this one. However, and this is a big however, that doesn't mean that *I* failed, or that my body is a lemon. It means I am HUMAN. In case you missed the memo ;-) every. single. human. body. fails. Every one of us! We are all mortal and susceptible to the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. In a big philosophical way, accepting my c-section is practice for accepting my own mortality, which sounds morbid but is really an important developmental task we all need to go through sooner or later. So that's pretty helpful, really!

It's taken me seven weeks and lots of talking it through with both friends and professionals to get here, though, where I've really integrated everything that happened to me. It takes time. Good luck to you!