Dealing with anger

ReeceFamily

I having been dealing with feelings of anger this week that I'm sure are related to stress.  I'm so angry that I'm missing a week of work this week for DD's non-existent illness** (angry because I'm anxious about missing so much work).  I'm angry that I'm angry about spending my work week with my beautiful, funny, happy, healthy baby girl.  I'm angry that i have to try to fit work in during her naps or late at night and I'm not really getting anything significant accomplished.  I'm angry that DH is so often in his own world of stress and assumes that I'm competent/content with being essentially a single working mom who also happens to have a husband to take care of.  I'm angry at the dogs for barking and waking up the baby. Then I feel overwhelmed with guilt at being so full of anger when I have so much to be grateful for, and I feel like a horrible person.  Anyone else get like this?  How do you handle your anger?  (p.s., i don't lash out or anything, I'm not a danger to society I swear.  I just need to vent).

** Back story on this is that daycare is paranoid about hand/foot/mouth, found a few dots on DD and said I had to bring her to the doctor with a note to return.  She has no other symptoms and she is actually in a really good, sunny mood this week.  The doctor couldn't confirm she has it but also couldn't rule it out, so he played it conservatively and she is out until Monday.

princessbmw

I've gone through periods like this. I would suggest talking to your husband and having him take your lo so you can either get some work done or have some destressing time.

gagirl2004

Yes I am going through this currently. Take into mind that Jacey has never been babysit by anyone but my mom who has been sick this week. And that was only for 3 hours while we went to visit DHs cousin after she had her baby. I have had 2 very rough weeks and a whiny sick baby to say my patients are worn thin is a understatement. I have no real advice but I can relate to how your feeling. Men have it so easy sometimes. Maybe leave DD with your dh and go get a pedicure.

ReeceFamily

Thanks, ladies!  Actually, just typing that stupid post made me feel better.  I do need to talk to DH (we had a non-communicative week because he was stressed out about an internal interview at work for a supervising position).  We are working on getting him in to see a psychiatrist for his stress/anxiety, and when that happens I think it will let up some of the pressure on me.  DH is such a loving father and husband in many ways, but he takes advantage of the fact that I will always pick up the slack when it comes to the house/pets/DD.  Sometimes it just gets to me.

jobiann

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I was angry yesterday. DS had a bug (fever, vomiting, lack of appetite) Friday/Saturday and Sunday and today he is all stuffed up and is coughing and sneezing. So I hadn't slept since being woken up at 3am  by DS and here is DH on the couch sleeping from 3:30 to 5:30pm when I was dealing with a sick, cranky pants child who wanted everything and nothing but most certainly wanted my attention at all times. Oh, and I tried to wake DH up about five times and he would NOT budge, so I finally screamed and shook him which made him wake up in a panic and that wasn't fun either. 

DH too takes advantage that I do most all the housework and it gets really annoying. I'll randomly go on strike and for two days I won't touch a dirty dish or dirty clothes and it all just piles up until DH asks why the house is so messy and then I tell him I took a few vacation days. He usually goes, oh ok, and then proceeds to do some dishes and some laundry....like a load. And I have to finish it. Super annoying. I love him though, but sometimes I wish he was a clean freak like me!

ReeceFamily

@jobiann - that could totally happen at my house .  I go on strike occasionally but it doesn't work that well because most of the things I strike about aren't really on his radar.  Sigh.

jobiann

Husbands, who needs them?!? Technically I have two right now, not really. Our friend is staying with us as he just got back from deployment overseas in the Army. So I have my real husband and a second "husband".

ReeceFamily

@jobiann - Oy.  Is the friend at least a good houseguest?  We had DH's friend stay with us (he was broke) for three months a few years ago.  He is a sweetheart but a total slob (garbage on the floor kind of slob) and he literally never helped or said thank you to us. AND he has three young daughters (he's now divorced) who stayed with us over Christmas for two weeks so he could be with them.  Literally no "thank you" from them or him. By the end I couldn't even be in the same room with him.  We are slowly repairing the friendship.

bennikki

DH and I both have jobs that can be really stressful at times, and when a toddler's thrown in the mix, it can get really easy to lose our cool, so we both kind of take turns by saying, "I need some adult alone time for like a half hour."  It's usually enough to snap us out of the immediate funk, gives us some time to reflect on if what we're stressing about is reasonable or not, so we can talk about it later.  

I know DH's parents would argue in front of them as kids, and he has several stories about his mom and dad really losing their cool, but my parents never did (not that they didn't argue, they just waited until we were gone/in bed, so they could have a real focused discussion - best marriage advice ever in my opinion), so when DH comes home, and I can tell he's about to blow a fuse, I just push him into the basement or outside to blow off some steam because whatever it is that he needs to get off his chest, it doesn't need to be done in a fit of anger and stress in front of DS.

You need to take some time.  Real time to yourself.  Maybe it's a pedicure, maybe it's just locking yourself in the bathroom to paint your toes in peace with some NPR on in the background.  Whatever is your "happy place," you need to find it, and DH needs to step up for that hour, and when you're in a better place, you two need to have a conversation about how to handle this situation in the future because realistically this will not be the only time someone may have to stay home for an extended period of time with your daughter.

kelly0connor0213

ReeceFamily said:

  I'm angry that DH is so often in his own world of stress and assumes that I'm competent/content with being essentially a single working mom who also happens to have a husband to take care of.  I'm angry at the dogs for barking and waking up the baby. Then I feel overwhelmed with guilt at being so full of anger when I have so much to be grateful for, and I feel like a horrible person.  Anyone else get like this?  How do you handle your anger?  (p.s., i don't lash out or anything, I'm not a danger to society I swear.  I just need to vent).

agree.

agree

agree.

agree.

I haven't stopped crying for at least a week. I feel like a married single mom. I can't deal with the lows anymore from DH

And everything about my DD is so outstanding. I want to scream

DCKate

Excellent advice! Couldn't have said it better myself.

bennikki said:

DH and I both have jobs that can be really stressful at times, and when a toddler's thrown in the mix, it can get really easy to lose our cool, so we both kind of take turns by saying, "I need some adult alone time for like a half hour."  It's usually enough to snap us out of the immediate funk, gives us some time to reflect on if what we're stressing about is reasonable or not, so we can talk about it later.  

I know DH's parents would argue in front of them as kids, and he has several stories about his mom and dad really losing their cool, but my parents never did (not that they didn't argue, they just waited until we were gone/in bed, so they could have a real focused discussion - best marriage advice ever in my opinion), so when DH comes home, and I can tell he's about to blow a fuse, I just push him into the basement or outside to blow off some steam because whatever it is that he needs to get off his chest, it doesn't need to be done in a fit of anger and stress in front of DS.

You need to take some time.  Real time to yourself.  Maybe it's a pedicure, maybe it's just locking yourself in the bathroom to paint your toes in peace with some NPR on in the background.  Whatever is your "happy place," you need to find it, and DH needs to step up for that hour, and when you're in a better place, you two need to have a conversation about how to handle this situation in the future because realistically this will not be the only time someone may have to stay home for an extended period of time with your daughter.

aklawrence1

I basically could have written this. I feel the same way, pretty often. I feel like a single working mom, who just happens to have this guy that lives with her. If it has to do with DD, I do it. I schedule and attend all of her doctor's appointments, do daycare drop off and pick up, do all of her meals, bathtimes, bedtimes, etc. At 16 months old, DH has never given DD a bath. He has done bedtime routine 1 time, because I couldn't be around her when I had the flu the first of this year. And like you, I get angry, but I'm also angry at myself for being angry. For me, I internalize it, which I know isn't good. I'm working on that. I started going to the gym on my lunch breaks, putting in my earbuds, and just mentally going somewhere else. I do the treadmill or the circuits or whatever, but I try to "get lost" in what I'm doing... not think about everything. And if I push myself, it really helps, because I push a lot of my anger right out, I guess. I love and appreciate DD so much, and I know I don't have to say that to you all because you know and understand, but I always feel like others would judge me for being frustrated with the situation. DD is the light of my life and I don't even mind doing everything for her; I just want DH to be more involved.

ReeceFamily

aklawrence1 said:

I basically could have written this. I feel the same way, pretty often. I feel like a single working mom, who just happens to have this guy that lives with her. If it has to do with DD, I do it. I schedule and attend all of her doctor's appointments, do daycare drop off and pick up, do all of her meals, bathtimes, bedtimes, etc. At 16 months old, DH has never given DD a bath. He has done bedtime routine 1 time, because I couldn't be around her when I had the flu the first of this year. And like you, I get angry, but I'm also angry at myself for being angry. For me, I internalize it, which I know isn't good. I'm working on that. I started going to the gym on my lunch breaks, putting in my earbuds, and just mentally going somewhere else. I do the treadmill or the circuits or whatever, but I try to "get lost" in what I'm doing... not think about everything. And if I push myself, it really helps, because I push a lot of my anger right out, I guess. I love and appreciate DD so much, and I know I don't have to say that to you all because you know and understand, but I always feel like others would judge me for being frustrated with the situation. DD is the light of my life and I don't even mind doing everything for her; I just want DH to be more involved.

Yup, I could have written this!  I will say that DH is great about playing with DD and interacting with her - he does truly love her and dotes on her.  He also drops her off at daycare on Tu/Th and picks her up when necessary.  But when it comes to the nitty gritty day-to-day care of her, I'm a single working mom.

jobiann

ReeceFamily said:

@jobiann - Oy.  Is the friend at least a good houseguest?  We had DH's friend stay with us (he was broke) for three months a few years ago.  He is a sweetheart but a total slob (garbage on the floor kind of slob) and he literally never helped or said thank you to us. AND he has three young daughters (he's now divorced) who stayed with us over Christmas for two weeks so he could be with them.  Literally no "thank you" from them or him. By the end I couldn't even be in the same room with him.  We are slowly repairing the friendship.

@ReeceFamily - That's too bad your relationship is ruined with your H's friend. Our house guest is actually wonderful. He always picks up after himself, doesn't leave his stuff out in the main living areas (he is staying in our guest bedroom) and he does yard work, takes out trash, does laundry and will just randomly come home with groceries, laundry detergent, toilet paper, paper towels, etc. And our son loves him, he's great with kids. He's like a brother to my H. 

ReeceFamily

jobiann said:

ReeceFamily said:

@jobiann - Oy.  Is the friend at least a good houseguest?  We had DH's friend stay with us (he was broke) for three months a few years ago.  He is a sweetheart but a total slob (garbage on the floor kind of slob) and he literally never helped or said thank you to us. AND he has three young daughters (he's now divorced) who stayed with us over Christmas for two weeks so he could be with them.  Literally no "thank you" from them or him. By the end I couldn't even be in the same room with him.  We are slowly repairing the friendship.

@ReeceFamily - That's too bad your relationship is ruined with your H's friend. Our house guest is actually wonderful. He always picks up after himself, doesn't leave his stuff out in the main living areas (he is staying in our guest bedroom) and he does yard work, takes out trash, does laundry and will just randomly come home with groceries, laundry detergent, toilet paper, paper towels, etc. And our son loves him, he's great with kids. He's like a brother to my H. 

Can this guy come live with us?  

jobiann

ReeceFamily said:

jobiann said:

ReeceFamily said:

@jobiann - Oy.  Is the friend at least a good houseguest?  We had DH's friend stay with us (he was broke) for three months a few years ago.  He is a sweetheart but a total slob (garbage on the floor kind of slob) and he literally never helped or said thank you to us. AND he has three young daughters (he's now divorced) who stayed with us over Christmas for two weeks so he could be with them.  Literally no "thank you" from them or him. By the end I couldn't even be in the same room with him.  We are slowly repairing the friendship.

@ReeceFamily - That's too bad your relationship is ruined with your H's friend. Our house guest is actually wonderful. He always picks up after himself, doesn't leave his stuff out in the main living areas (he is staying in our guest bedroom) and he does yard work, takes out trash, does laundry and will just randomly come home with groceries, laundry detergent, toilet paper, paper towels, etc. And our son loves him, he's great with kids. He's like a brother to my H. 

Can this guy come live with us?  

I know right, it's not a terrible deal. The only downside is he has TERRIBLE taste in ladies and his last girlfriend was really nice but she was really young and the two before that were CRAZY. DH just told me this AM his new girlfriend is coming with us to the ballgame on Sunday. I'm really glad DS won't be there, just incase....

URMySunshine77

ReeceFamily said:

 But when it comes to the nitty gritty day-to-day care of her, I'm a single working mom.

@ReeceFamily: I can completely understand. I SAH and WAH. DH would need a detailed list of instructions if he ever had to take over a day. He still asks me how I know when a pee diaper needs changing. However, I try not to fixate and I remind myself that I'm doing it all for DS with pleasure. And I remind myself that DS will get easier over time. Also, DH works from 9 a.m. to midnight, so it's not like he is playing video games when he gets home.

@jobiann: I hope that this came across when I said that "I choose not to let it bother me" the other day. I didn't want you think that I was implying that you choose to let it bother you.