If your DH does "more" baby care.. I have a question for you

Hennessy

I'm just wondering how you all handle this if you are in a similar situation.  (I apologize for the length of this!)

I'll start by saying DH is an AWESOME father.  Very involved and would do anything necessary to make sure DS gets everything he needs.  He's also a great husband.. I mean sure, we have our normal marital challenges, but he's supportive, loving and generally a really good guy.  I would never have put a label on him of chauvinistic or hung up on gender roles (and we've been married for 10 year so I would have seen signs of this!), so I'm not sure where my challenges are coming from.

My job demands a lot of odd hours, many days I have to commute over an hour to and from for work. I have work related dinners/events some nights and I sometimes have to leave our house at 7:00am and don't get back until 7:00pm.  Other days I work from home.  Suffice to say my schedule is very erratic. My schedule has always been this way before & after baby.

We make similar salaries (when you factor in my overall compensation package I make more than he does) but our jobs are equally important and we're not in a position where one of us would quit to become a stay at home parent.  Therefore DS goes to full time day care. The challenge is.. DH works about 6 minutes from our house (and has a very regular 9-5 schedule).  So he does virtually all the day care drop offs & pick ups.  Yes, there are nights where he does more than I do getting DS fed & ready for bed but many nights I'm home for these activities.  Our constant, recurring argument is about him doing more than me and me not "managing my job properly" so that the bulk of this day care burden and the extra baby care time in the morning or immediately after pick ups doesn't fall on him.  I keep trying to explain to him that my job demands/hours didn't change just because I had a baby (they're identical to pre-baby).  He's even gone so far as to say that I've made him "into a wife" (which is why I noted that he's NEVER been one to put gender labels on activities - so I struggle with why he wants to place primary childcare responsibilities on the mom).

I try very hard to encourage him to do things for himself on the nights I am home or on weekends but it's like he's become a martyr for this cause and never opts to do anything to take time for himself.   Anyone going through something similar or have suggestions for how to manage through this without me having to look for a new job?!

dufferoo

That's tough. My situation- which is probably much more typical- is the opposite: we both work, but my schedule allows me to do most of the childcare as well. And am I sometimes a bit of a martyr about it? Sure, like I think most "primary caregivers" sometimes can be. But at the end of the day, I wouldn't want to change the way things are; I guess I just want lots of appreciation from my husband for all the "extra" stuff I do. If you're already giving him that, and he really is resentful about the situation, it sounds like you might need to look into some kind of alternate arrangements that would allow him to feel more like a human again, before he burns out. Maybe like a babysitter one a week to pick up chid so he can go golfing or something?

Hennessy

ClaryPax said:

So basically I would say take the kids 2-3 times a week, or get a nanny or hire a babysitter/ mothers helper to help your DH.  What time does your daycare open?  Mine opens at 6 or 6:30 so getting there at 7 would be no problem. 

Also could you use an hour or 2 of PTO a week to help out? 

I actually think this is a great idea - our day care opens pretty early.. and I've offered this up as an option a few times, but this is where the "martyrdom" comes in.  His response to me was..."I feel bad that DS would have to spend an extra 1 1/2 hours at day care (he normally drops him off at 8:30) when I can watch him/play with him in the morning".  It's very frustrating to hear that he wants the extra time to play with him because of his daddy guilt over sending him early, but then holds it against me that he has this extra child care duty!  When DH had to travel for a week, I dropped DS off early every single day and it worked out fine!!  UGH!!

=Lee=B

I think, despite gender, the person that gets the bulk of the childcare duties is bound to have periods where they gripe, complain and just complain.

It is likely his way of asking for help or recognition.  Not the ideal way to ask for it but he may not even know he is seeking it.  Do something special, recognize his hard work.  Praise him.  Same things the men should be doing if their wives were doing the extra childcare duties.

jnnfrrose6

I don't understand why everyone is suggesting giving him some "me time." As you said, your schedule hasn't changed since having the baby, so it sounds like he had some expectations that they would and now that they haven't he's sulking. I think it's pretty rare that 2 parents handle the child care equally for their kid(s). Someone is always going to do just a little more, some do a lot more. It sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with your husband about what his expectations were and are, why they may or may not be realistic based on your work, and try to find solutions together to make it better for both if you (and I do mean both because his attitude definitely impacts you). Point out to him how ridiculous he sounds when you offer to take LO to daycare early to take some of the burden off of him and he refuses simply because "he feels bad" for the extra time spent at DC.

erinmc1

I get this.  Ohhh, do I get it.  My hubby deployed when our son was 6 weeks old, and I fought like a banshee to "do it all" and not ask for help.  Because I wanted my husband, the person who was equally responsible for our child, to be the one around to help, even when I KNEW he couldn't be.  

It sounds like what seemed like a perfectly acceptable plan in theory isn't playing out in reality quite like your husband imagined.  He knows he needs some time for himself, but doesn't want your son to suffer for his "selfishness" by spending all that extra time in daycare.  And he knows you have a totally justified reason for not being around, so that guilt falls on him for not having a necessary reason for needing some time.  

I bet a little break now and then would make a world of difference to him, and if you maybe knock off early unexpectedly one night and offer to pick the baby up, it would show that you do appreciate the extra effort and value the extra time he puts in.  

JulesDiane

Actually, things DO change because you have a baby. If I worked and my husband worked, I would think we would try to parent our kids 50/50. Obviously, that is ideal and not always possible. If I were in your husband's place and my husband was working all these extra hours and I was constantly the one having to take care of the kids, I think I would be bothered too. It sounds like you are putting in a lot of extra hours at work. Can you shift some things around so you can help out more at home? Or, I really like what someone else suggested.. getting some extra babysitting. And some how, having a sitter come to the house and spend one on one time with your little one seems a little better than leaving him for extra hours at daycare.  I do have friends that Stay at Home, and their husbands travel a lot. They need breaks too, so they will often get sitters on weeknights for plans, to get things done, etc.  Sounds like your husband understandably needs a bit of a break.

hollygb22

can he adjust his schedule at all? We went through such a huge transition when I went back to work. I commute 45-60 min each way. DH does about 20 min a day. I was doing drop off and pick up and frankly hated it. I felt like all the burden fell on me. If there was a sick call, it was made to me. I had zero time to run the quickest errand..like get a coffee before work, a grcoery run after work etc.

DH is able to go in anytime after 630am. So while it was a big adjustment for him since he normally went in around 8-9, he leaves the house early, I drop off, his early arrival allows him to leave at 415 to pick up. Splitting this responsibility has lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders and alot of that resentment disappeared with us splitting the task vs one of us taking care of it by ourselves.

Or if you have a night committment for work, give him a break and handle drop off etc?

cedenton

I do 95% of of drop offs and pickups. We have an arrangement where he picks up once/week on his day off so I can go do whatever. Can you arrange to leave work early or "on time" once/week and give him some "me time?"

DiveFrog

DH & I have both been on both sides of this issue. When DD was an infant I was doing 95% of the childcare duties and it wasn't that I needed a break so much as I resented that my partner, and father of my child, and the person who agreed to be in this 50/50 wasn't doing as much work in this area as I was. And I was upset that he didn't have any guilt over NOT doing it, and not spending more time with a child he had wanted as much as I did.

Conversely, when my work schedule, which consisted of months of travel this year forced DH into doing 95% of the childcare he experienced a lot of the same feelings I did that first year. It wasn't that he wanted more "Me time", it was he wanted a partner in taking care of DD.

With my work schedule back to limited travel our "balance" is back. DH still does 99% of DC drop offs and pick ups since it is on his way to work and 15miles out of my way, we split weekday evenings fairly 50/50, and I do a bit more on the weekends just because DH ends up working fairly frequently on the weekends.

The martyrdom needs to stop for sure. And your DH needs to try and identify what changes both you, or he could make that would change his feelings about how your parenting duties are being split.

ashiscute

JulesDiane said:

Actually, things DO change because you have a baby. If I worked and my husband worked, I would think we would try to parent our kids 50/50. Obviously, that is ideal and not always possible. If I were in your husband's place and my husband was working all these extra hours and I was constantly the one having to take care of the kids, I think I would be bothered too. It sounds like you are putting in a lot of extra hours at work. Can you shift some things around so you can help out more at home? Or, I really like what someone else suggested.. getting some extra babysitting. And some how, having a sitter come to the house and spend one on one time with your little one seems a little better than leaving him for extra hours at daycare.  I do have friends that Stay at Home, and their husbands travel a lot. They need breaks too, so they will often get sitters on weeknights for plans, to get things done, etc.  Sounds like your husband understandably needs a bit of a break.

I agree with this.  I don't feel like he is being unreasonable.  As far as the comment about him turning into the wife that wouldn't upset me or think I married a chauvanist.  It was a petty comment sure but his point is he feels like he is being forced to do more than his fair share.  Sometimes I make snarky comments like that my DH and he knows that's when I need extra help.  

Beth.1212

ashiscute said:

JulesDiane said:

Actually, things DO change because you have a baby. If I worked and my husband worked, I would think we would try to parent our kids 50/50. Obviously, that is ideal and not always possible. If I were in your husband's place and my husband was working all these extra hours and I was constantly the one having to take care of the kids, I think I would be bothered too. It sounds like you are putting in a lot of extra hours at work. Can you shift some things around so you can help out more at home? Or, I really like what someone else suggested.. getting some extra babysitting. And some how, having a sitter come to the house and spend one on one time with your little one seems a little better than leaving him for extra hours at daycare.  I do have friends that Stay at Home, and their husbands travel a lot. They need breaks too, so they will often get sitters on weeknights for plans, to get things done, etc.  Sounds like your husband understandably needs a bit of a break.

I agree with this.  I don't feel like he is being unreasonable.  As far as the comment about him turning into the wife that wouldn't upset me or think I married a chauvanist.  It was a petty comment sure but his point is he feels like he is being forced to do more than his fair share.  Sometimes I make snarky comments like that my DH and he knows that's when I need extra help.  

I don't agree. That comment about him becoming "the wife"? I would be pretty darn upset. He's implying that the wife should be taking care of the kids more, not the husband. To me, that comment highlights an underlying attitude that is troubling. 

Yes, things change when you have a baby, but depending on the nature of her work, the time demands of her job may not be one of them. If the OP can work some flexibility in to take some of the drop offs or pick ups, that would be great and (hopefully) appreciated. If she really, truly cannot due to the nature of her work, then her husband should be understanding of that. They both have careers. Why should she sacrifice hers? If the OP starts contributing less at work and leaving "early" (in quotes because with some jobs, leaving on time is considered to be leaving early), especially if she's citing her new baby as the reason, it could have serious repercussions for her job and advancement. 

I am a SAHM (by choice, and I feel very lucky to be able to be one), but if I had continued with my former career, I would have had long hours and DH would have had to pick up the slack. In my case the long hours would have been flexible so that I could help out where needed, but still, DH would have had to do more of the "household-ish" stuff. 

To me, thinks are fair when each partner spends roughly the same amount of time working. Working at a job is working, housework is working, cooking is working, grocery shopping is working, and taking care of the LO is working in my book. Things are never exactly 50/50, but hopefully they lean one way and then another over time so things roughly even out. Ideally, at least. 

"And some how, having a sitter come to the house and spend one on one time with your little one seems a little better than leaving him for extra hours at daycare."

If it's a good daycare where the LO is happy, I'm not sure why a sitter would be better, personally. I guess that's just a matter of opinion. 

DiveFrog

Beth.1212 said:

  

 

To me, thinks are fair when each partner spends roughly the same amount of time working. Working at a job is working, housework is working, cooking is working, grocery shopping is working, and taking care of the LO is working in my book. Things are never exactly 50/50, but hopefully they lean one way and then another over time so things roughly even out. Ideally, at least. 

 

I totally disagree. In theory it makes sense, but bottom line each person has "Work" that they enjoy, or is better suited to their strengths, and "work" that they don't care to do, or are not as proficient at. That's why in my marriage I cook, do laundry and pay bills and DH does yard work, and cleans most of the house, and takes care of the trash. I like cooking and laundry more than yard work or cleaning, and I am better at them then DH. Conversely he likes doing the yard work and doesn't mind cleaning.

Childcare and childcare duties are no different. There are some parts of it that are more enjoyable than others and those may differ between parents. And they certainly may rank less enjoyable than doing some other type of "work" for the family. Basically all work isn't created equal.

The first year of DD's life I was doing 95% of all babycare and DH was doing more household work then usual, taking on some of the chores I usually did. Technically our work load was balanced, but I was pretty miserable. DD was very high needs and taking care of her was HARD work, constant energy draining work. Cleaning, yardwork, and laundry paled in the level of difficulty and time required.

emberlee3

Like you, I have a demanding job with erratic hours.  MH has the martyr tendency, too, and it drives me bonkers.  He is also bad at prioritizing his own happiness/wellness.  We continue to try to work on this.

Whenever possible, I adjust my work schedule to accommodate my family.  If something is optional, I skip it.  Sometimes I have to finish work after the kids go to bed because I choose to leave in time to have dinner with my family.  But MH knows that at times, I simply can't leave (I am a doctor). 

Maybe there is 1 particular chore YH loathes that you could take over.  I plan 100% of dinners.  Even if I won't be home to cook, dinner is planned and prepped for DH and the kids.  I sometimes (ok, often) dread planning, but I know it takes a huge weight off DH on the nights I work late.  He owns setting the coffeemaker, which is a small task that I appreciate hugely

ashiscute

DiveFrog said:

DH & I have both been on both sides of this issue. When DD was an infant I was doing 95% of the childcare duties and it wasn't that I needed a break so much as I resented that my partner, and father of my child, and the person who agreed to be in this 50/50 wasn't doing as much work in this area as I was. And I was upset that he didn't have any guilt over NOT doing it, and not spending more time with a child he had wanted as much as I did.

Conversely, when my work schedule, which consisted of months of travel this year forced DH into doing 95% of the childcare he experienced a lot of the same feelings I did that first year. It wasn't that he wanted more "Me time", it was he wanted a partner in taking care of DD.

With my work schedule back to limited travel our "balance" is back. DH still does 99% of DC drop offs and pick ups since it is on his way to work and 15miles out of my way, we split weekday evenings fairly 50/50, and I do a bit more on the weekends just because DH ends up working fairly frequently on the weekends.

The martyrdom needs to stop for sure. And your DH needs to try and identify what changes both you, or he could make that would change his feelings about how your parenting duties are being split.

I wish I had noticed this yesterday!  That is exactly 100% right.  Getting a quick break of me time is a refresher sure but does not change the issue.  He feels like he is shouldering an unfair amount of responsibility.  Whether you agree or not doesn't change the way he feels.

I would honestly think about any changes you can make to your job.  You said that things didn't change because you had a baby but they did change.  Your priorities and responsibilities are different and YH is probably only seeing that they changed for him.  It's like you are both using your jobs against each other.  

And again, the wife comment doesn't seem troubling.  It does not make him chauvinistic to think more of the baby care would fall on the mother.  That is normal in most families and what people are exposed to.  I would try not focus on that part.  

Beth.1212

DiveFrog said:

Beth.1212 said:

  

 

To me, thinks are fair when each partner spends roughly the same amount of time working. Working at a job is working, housework is working, cooking is working, grocery shopping is working, and taking care of the LO is working in my book. Things are never exactly 50/50, but hopefully they lean one way and then another over time so things roughly even out. Ideally, at least. 

 

I totally disagree. In theory it makes sense, but bottom line each person has "Work" that they enjoy, or is better suited to their strengths, and "work" that they don't care to do, or are not as proficient at. That's why in my marriage I cook, do laundry and pay bills and DH does yard work, and cleans most of the house, and takes care of the trash. I like cooking and laundry more than yard work or cleaning, and I am better at them then DH. Conversely he likes doing the yard work and doesn't mind cleaning.

Childcare and childcare duties are no different. There are some parts of it that are more enjoyable than others and those may differ between parents. And they certainly may rank less enjoyable than doing some other type of "work" for the family. Basically all work isn't created equal.

The first year of DD's life I was doing 95% of all babycare and DH was doing more household work then usual, taking on some of the chores I usually did. Technically our work load was balanced, but I was pretty miserable. DD was very high needs and taking care of her was HARD work, constant energy draining work. Cleaning, yardwork, and laundry paled in the level of difficulty and time required.

DiveFrog, I don't think we disagree as much as you may think. I guess that's my grammatically poor way of saying that I agree with you: how that work is divided up does matter, absolutely. When DH comes home, I love to hand LO to him and get dinner on the table. Both are work, but at that point I'm ready for a break from LO! How the work is divided up will vary by family and reasonable accommodations should be made by both partners, though. No matter how much I want to hand LO off, if DH has yard work that needs to get done during daylight hours, I'll be watching LO solo even after DH gets home.  

To me, it sounds like the OP really can't do the majority of the drop offs / pick ups unless the LO spends more hours in daycare than the OP's DH wants. The DH may not like the whole situation, but it is what it is and it doesn't seem to me that he should be surprised as the OP's job hasn't changed. The OP should, IMHO, try to do what she can to take on some of the drops offs or pick ups WITHOUT hurting her career. (Personally I wouldn't use PTO for that, nor would DH want me to. We hoard PTO for really fun stuff like day trips to the zoo or vacations.) She should also take on some other chore(s) that DH doesn't like as part of her 50% to balance things out, in my opinion. I also think that the DH needs to end his martyrdom and work with the OP to figure out how to make everyone reasonably happy - without demanding that the OP make changes to her job that just don't work. Easier said from across the internet than done, I realize!

Hennessy

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.  I totally understand that there can very easily be resentment from one parent who does more child care.. regardless of how other duties are divided.  And, I do try (sometime successfully, sometimes not) to take on more in other areas.  It's honestly more the martyrdom that I struggle with.  Whatever suggestion I put out there is usually met with resistance to making himself a priority and taking time away from hid child care "duties"  We will continue to plug away at this and I do appreciate some good suggestions made here.

And, since this piece of my post seems to have struck a chord for some... I never said things don't change when you have a baby.. heck, everything changes - personally.  What I said, was my job demands and hours didn't change. And, for those of you who think that they should have, must have vastly different jobs or work for far more accommodating employers.  My job didn't all of a sudden become more flexible. My boss didn't start saying "oh, you want to miss that 4:30pm meeting because you'd like to be home early... sure go ahead".  They didn't stop scheduling 8:30am full department meetings because I'm now a mom.  Wish they did... but they didn't and to be quite honest, I didn't (and don't) expect them to.  My options are to work within the system/structure that exists because I like my job or decide this structure no longer works for me because my priorities are different now.  

Personally, I'd like to stay at this job and work to take advantage of flexibility that does exist to help improve the balance and find solutions so we can both continue to work in jobs we really like! (ie my work from home days or days when I can, in fact, sneak out early. Or, other days when I can drop DS off early at day care - he is one of those kids who loves day care!) 

christinasullie37

We have this same arguement! I am a cpa and dh is self employed and not very successful. I can't decides when to work like he can and I am the one that has the health insurance, good pay. I cannot resuce my hours or my reaponsibilites the way he can so unfortunately a lot of the " mom" stuff falls on him.

Katelobster

I can identify with your husband a lot. My husband works til 10 PM 3x a week, has occasional work events he runs on the weekends and evenings, and travels extensively for half the year. I do all drop-offs/pick-ups (over an hour each way), I do all baths and bedtimes, I make all of my daughter's lunches and snacks for daycare, I do all the shopping, and I work. I am guilty of the martyr stuff too. Honestly, sometimes it's a cry for help, or to be recognized. Not only do I feel like I never get a break, I feel like he CAN'T appreciate how much I do or how hard it is, because he has no idea what all I do since he's never done it... or even seen it. Drop-offs and pick-ups are particularly stressful- it is HARD to get yourself and a baby/toddler ready and out the door, and my daughter has trouble transitioning home at the end of the day and basically goes bonkers and whines about everything. And honestly, I can relate to his feelings about daycare- I would have a lot of guilt about having my child stay longer on a regular basis so I could have "me" time.

In the short term, one thing I think you could do is find ways to make his life easier, even if you can't be there more. Could you pack the daycare bag? Make snacks/meals? Have some make-ahead meals prepared for them to heat up? Lay out your son's clothes? Other than that, would hiring a cleaning service or lawn service help?

Long term, I think you need to talk about what you both want for your jobs and family. Is continuing the way you guys are going to cause your husband to become seriously unhappy and negatively affect your marriage? Is it sustainable if you have another child? I know that for me, the only reason my situation is tolerable is that I know it is temporary and we are working towards my husband getting a different job, and hopefully me being a SAHM by the time we have another child. I know I'd lose my mind if I had to do this forever.

Best of luck to you.

MrsStanger

We face these issues daily. I am the first one to get home 6months and the other 6Months he gets home first. I must say that i am a fan of picking DD up so i can hear the highlights of milestones hit or just relay simple messages that otherwise would fall on my husbands ears and be forgotten instantly. First and foremost i commend you on the way you started your post!!! Finding the good in your husband, when there is complaining, is never easy.

Sharing the responsabilities is annoying 99% of the time (to me). I feel like we both know the schedule and routine, but he lets little things slip that i find important. When i gripe about needing me time or how i do everything around that house, a full time job, and taking on the brunt of the work with DD he informs me all i have to do is ask for help.

How many times? every day? We had an agreement that the only house chore i would ever ask of him is to empty the dishwasher. I would gladly take on everything else if he would simply empty the dishwasher. I know it seems miniscual but thats that 1 thing i cant simply take. So now i have to ask every single day.

I know your post originally speaks about time management/gender rolls but if you have made it 10 years, baby was BOTH of your ideas and again you can find praise in the time of his complaint you are doing an amazing job! From the sounds of your post DS loves daycare and both of you, so again i say you seem to be on the right path youll just have to work together to find that easy medium. Maybe if you start taking "me time" he will realize that when you offer it in turn he really can take it too!

DiveFrog

ashiscute said:

DiveFrog said:

DH & I have both been on both sides of this issue. When DD was an infant I was doing 95% of the childcare duties and it wasn't that I needed a break so much as I resented that my partner, and father of my child, and the person who agreed to be in this 50/50 wasn't doing as much work in this area as I was. And I was upset that he didn't have any guilt over NOT doing it, and not spending more time with a child he had wanted as much as I did.

Conversely, when my work schedule, which consisted of months of travel this year forced DH into doing 95% of the childcare he experienced a lot of the same feelings I did that first year. It wasn't that he wanted more "Me time", it was he wanted a partner in taking care of DD.

With my work schedule back to limited travel our "balance" is back. DH still does 99% of DC drop offs and pick ups since it is on his way to work and 15miles out of my way, we split weekday evenings fairly 50/50, and I do a bit more on the weekends just because DH ends up working fairly frequently on the weekends.

The martyrdom needs to stop for sure. And your DH needs to try and identify what changes both you, or he could make that would change his feelings about how your parenting duties are being split.

I wish I had noticed this yesterday!  That is exactly 100% right.  Getting a quick break of me time is a refresher sure but does not change the issue.  He feels like he is shouldering an unfair amount of responsibility.  Whether you agree or not doesn't change the way he feels.

I would honestly think about any changes you can make to your job.  You said that things didn't change because you had a baby but they did change.  Your priorities and responsibilities are different and YH is probably only seeing that they changed for him.  It's like you are both using your jobs against each other.  

And again, the wife comment doesn't seem troubling.  It does not make him chauvinistic to think more of the baby care would fall on the mother.  That is normal in most families and what people are exposed to.  I would try not focus on that part.  

TRUTH!

That was my single biggest complaint the first year. Really my only complaint. It wasn't that DH wasn't pulling his weight around the house, or pitching in and helping. It was that his default mindset was "Divefrog has responsibility for DD at all times, unless I am specifically scheduled and told I am watching her". So he would come home from work 2hrs late with no notice, because he wanted to finish a project. He would call and say he was going to meet his friend after work and do xyz. We would go to a big family event with DD and he would disappear with all the guys, with absolutely NO thought as to who was taking care of DD, because well obviously I was responsible for doing that.  The weight of the constant responsibility and resentment of a spouse that has their partner shoulder that responsibility, was a huge cause  of stress for me and my marriage that first year.

memcgee1

MrsStanger said:

We face these issues daily. I am the first one to get home 6months and the other 6Months he gets home first. I must say that i am a fan of picking DD up so i can hear the highlights of milestones hit or just relay simple messages that otherwise would fall on my husbands ears and be forgotten instantly. First and foremost i commend you on the way you started your post!!! Finding the good in your husband, when there is complaining, is never easy.

Sharing the responsabilities is annoying 99% of the time (to me). I feel like we both know the schedule and routine, but he lets little things slip that i find important. When i gripe about needing me time or how i do everything around that house, a full time job, and taking on the brunt of the work with DD he informs me all i have to do is ask for help.

How many times? every day? We had an agreement that the only house chore i would ever ask of him is to empty the dishwasher. I would gladly take on everything else if he would simply empty the dishwasher. I know it seems miniscual but thats that 1 thing i cant simply take. So now i have to ask every single day.

I know your post originally speaks about time management/gender rolls but if you have made it 10 years, baby was BOTH of your ideas and again you can find praise in the time of his complaint you are doing an amazing job! From the sounds of your post DS loves daycare and both of you, so again i say you seem to be on the right path youll just have to work together to find that easy medium. Maybe if you start taking "me time" he will realize that when you offer it in turn he really can take it too!

THIS!!!!  I HATE having to ASK for help.  Sometimes, I just want to be offered help without having to ask.  Sometimes, just having all of the hard work you do and sacrifices you make recognized can go a long way.  I feel that the OP's DH maybe feels that way too.  It gets really exhausting taking on the brunt of the child care responsibilities.  Even if your spouse is doing everything else around the house, it still might not feel like tasks are evenly split, and I can totally see where he is coming from. 

Obviously it isn't practical to expect your employer to conform to your new priorities and roles as a parent, but you can take the time to acknowledge everything your partner is doing to make your household function.  If my DH would just acknowledge everything I do for/with DD on a daily basis, I would feel so much more appreciated.  And the occasional, "Hey, I got off work early--I'll do the daycare pickup," never hurts either.