Are MILs really as difficult as we imagine?

angelfishmama

My MIL irritates me to no end.  Even her voice irritates me. I am faced with the awkward task of including her now that my husband has passed. She lives in another country and we haven't seen her often so the children know her only from the little cards and gifts she sends on a regular basis. She has lost her only son and the children are her only grandchildren. She is a very strong and opinionated personality and raised her children on her own, so that may account for some of her overbearing attitude. My husband was a dear and so she must have done something right.  The children always said they hated her, probably a reflection of my eye rolling and negative attitude because, as I said, she really has not had much contact with them.

Anyway, she was here for a week, and we actually talked about some things and I think maybe I didn't have the whole picture. The children loved her stories about their dad when he was little and listened as she talked about how proud she was of him and them. She seemed so vulnerable and kind - I feel really confused cause when I spoke to her on the phone, her voice still irritates me, but, maybe I am closer to understanding my own role in alienating our relationship.

RondackHiker

I'm glad you gained some perspective!

My mil can be difficult. She tends to be passive aggressive and tries to guilt trip and it drives me nuts that she whines about one thing and then about the opposite (like that dd would be lonely sharing a room with DS, and five minutes later that they were too crowded). I try to never show my annoyance or complain in front of my children. I want them to have their own relationship with her.

And despite her difficulties she really truly does love us all and is a good grandmother to my children.

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WillieNelsonsGardener

I'm very sorry for your loss! My husband passed away just over 13 months ago and it seems like part of the process is for family members and us to try and find our "new" roles and relationships. My MIL and I got along until DH was sick and for the last 18 months of his life, she seemed like she was more concerned about herself then him. It affected him and us pretty badly. After DH passed away, she was more concerned with taking "her" things from my house and never even asked how we were doing or to see DS. I ended up cutting contact with her about a year ago and haven't heard from her since. For us, that was the right decision and it was only after several obviously malicious actions that I cut contact.
I think if your LO's enjoyed their time with her and her offenses are pretty harmless, I would try and encourage a relationship between her and your kids. You and her don't have to be BFF's, but like @RondackHiker said I think its important for them to have an individual relationship with her. If your kids ever want to talk about their dad or learn about him, they have another person to share stories with them and support them. Not that you won't, but you know how kids are... sometimes they don't want to ask mom so having additional people who love them is a plus. Aaaaand hey maybe in the future y'all can go visit her and get away for a nice vacation!

angelfishmama

Thank you - the polar opposites comment hit home - I had not thought of it from that perspective