why?

JoselynMR

Why do some people wait for a couple months to announce that they are pregnant? I knew when i was 5 weeks and told my mom and family. Am i the only one who doesnt wait? Jw

Justabean3

Bc loss is so common in the first 13 weeks. There are lots of people that would like to keep it private so they can deal with it in their own time and not have the world in their business if they experience a loss.

I don't wait. It is just personal preference.

golfingdarwinfish

Uhm, because of the risk of miscarriage in early pregnancy.  Some of us who have experienced losses prefer to have some level of comfort with the viability of our pregnancy prior to making others hopeful and excited only to then crush them. It's not even always about not wanting to tell the world in the case of a loss; sometimes it's about trying to protect others from pain.

ETA: This is coming from someone with recurrent pregnancy lost and a TFMR.

Justabean3

Haha some MIL's for example are in your business the minute you tell for the rest of their life!

Some people want to postpone this even for just a minute

victoria+james

DH and I made the "mistake" of telling a few too many people too early with our first pregnancy. Going back and telling them all that we weren't pregnant was awful. This time around we still told family early but after the first ultrasound and announced after the first trimester to everyone else.

Emerald27

Some choose to tell early so that no matter what happens, they are surrounded by loving support. Others choose to wait because having to "untell" should miscarriage occur would be extremely painful, and potentially awkward (Annie at the office asks how your pregnancy is going a month after a loss that you didn't tell her had happened, she'll feel awful for bringing it up).

JoselynMR

I was just wondering. And i am sorry for anyones losses. The thought of miscarriage never crossed my mind. And like when you tell your family memveres in person is it in a group or just 1 person or at a time? . My mil opened her big mouth when my husband told her. I had just taken a dollar store test. So i wasn't sure if it was real or not. Next thing ik my mom and family are asking if i was pregnant because it was on Facebook. Smh. I wanted to tell my family in a group like a cute announcement. Ruined!

golfingdarwinfish

Emerald27 said:

Some choose to tell early so that no matter what happens, they are surrounded by loving support. Others choose to wait because having to "untell" should miscarriage occur would be extremely painful, and potentially awkward (Annie at the office asks how your pregnancy is going a month after a loss that you didn't tell her had happened, she'll feel awful for bringing it up).

Even when I didn't share my early pregnancies until post miscarriage I was still surrounded by love and support.  I think it's a misnomer that people don't share early because they wouldn't want to be surrounded by "loving support" or want to keep the loss to themselves.  Sure, I bet that applies to some people, but others, like myself, just want to minimize the pain inflicted upon our loved ones.

Waterlilly11

Hmm I am juatvstarting to tell people this week (I am 15w) I don't know why I didn't tell, I was just waiting for it to feel right. The risk of miscarriage in the first tri certainly influenced keeping quiet. Then in the 2nd cramps had me paranoid. I also like telling those closest to me in person rather than a fb or mail announcment- just to make it really personal and special. I was actually hoping to wait until the gender ultrasound, just so I don't have to answer that question 100 times, but my bump is starting to show and I don't want anyone to think I'm hiding it.

JoselynMR

Alot of interesting answers.

Aarg

Having to untell so many people was so painful for the both of us... We were so excited with the first pregnancy that we spilled the beans to everyone. I had a confirmed miscarriage at my 12 week appointment. For people to constantly ask how I was feeling and was I excited, it just broke my heart. And it was a constant reminder over and over again...

I was so terrified this time around that we only told my parents and DH's parents until about 7 weeks and we saw the ultrasound and saw the heart beating. We didn't even tell our siblings until 12weeks when we heard the HB on the Doppler in office. We then told family and friends when I hit 15weeks and we had an elective u/s done and the tech said everything sounded great and measured right on track. I just wasn't comfortable yet sharing my pregancy with the world.

I finally feel comfortable talking about my preg loss and that was just this last aug/sep...
A friend of mine was SO nervous after her m/c she only told a select handful of people until she was 6 months. Yes it's hard to wait, but after heartbreak like that... You prefer to wait.

JoselynMR

Im always around my family. And we are very close. they will know immediately. Im sorry for your losses.

Emerald27

@VCGolfNYC‌ That makes sense! I waited in both pregnancies to tell until after 1st tri, but I do see that reason given a lot...that they wanted to tell their loved ones right away because they would want support should the worst happen. So I just assumed that's a common reason why those who choose to tell ASAP do so.

ETA: Perhaps that's not a reason for "telling," but rather maybe those parents don't consider the risk of miscarriage to be a reason NOT to share, because they would tell their loved ones of the loss anyway, for support, etc., so they decide to go ahead and share the joy?

narabug

We shared very early with family and friends and at work. Partly because DH is awful at keeping secrets, but mostly because I can't hide it when I'm sick and my constant nausea during first tri would have given it away very quickly anyway. If those weren't issues I think we would have waited longer, both for the fun of only us knowing and to not get everyone else's hopes up should something have happened.

Runninggal28

We waited because of the fear of miscarriage and the possible heartbreak of up telling people or have others ask about it. Luckily for our first pregnancy (which ended in miscarriage) we only told DH parents but if we had told everyone it would have been heartbreaking to un-tell them. My family is also terrible at keeping secrets so once we told them the whole world knew. We finally announced on Facebook this past weekend after our a/s and we were 20 weeks.

JoselynMR

I would still tell my family. They would be even madder had i not told them and lost the baby. God forbid. To each her own

BreandMikewedding

I lost my first pregnancy at 16 weeks. I had to untell a few people but the worst was when my mom told me she was glad I lost the baby. People say a lot of stupid things when you have a loss and I didn't want to deal with it. We also lost our 4th pregnancy and only told my mil. I wait until I feel comfortable, but at least until after my first u/s around 9 weeks.

CynthiaVRey

I waited because I thought it was the rule just incase anything went wrong I didn't want to untell. I still haven't announced it on Facebook I figure whoever I see or know will know . When I know the gender maybe I'll put in on Facebook . I'm with you my family is close but we still kept it private till 12 weeks only told out parents before

Sofia2529

I'm a very private person so, if I were to have an early loss, I'd want to grieve quietly with my SO. Having friends and family know would just give me added stress and anxiety and I'd have no desire to untell people the news.

trisharenee0316

To start, we only told those we'd feel comfortable "untelling" in case things went wrong.  So basically, my parents, my sister, and my ILs.  We made our FB/public announcement this weekend and I'm 16w today.

Also, it's great that you have the type of relationship with your family that everyone has to know everyone's personal info ASAP, but a lot of people don't.  So there's that perspective too.

CynthiaVRey

So your mil told or you told? You said At 5 weeks you told family, just wondering see that's why some people wait because telling one person sometimes means telling the world

archi35

Possible loss, advanced age so increased possible lose, privacy to enjoy just the two of us, telling someone usually means they don't keep their mouth shut, possibility of getting sacked or smoked out at work, and frankly - its no one's business unless we want it to be

 

archi35

My computer won't let me edit my post for reasons unknown so:

Edit: loss not lose

ETA:  Frankly there are so many more reasons NOT to tell for the first few months I am more baffled at telling everyone straight away.  

PC0909

I don't like attention, so I wait as long as possible.  I also don't want to announce and then have a loss.  This time around I don't like the "already?" comments so I'm keeping it off facebook as long as possible.

meggiev123

For us, in addition to the risk of loss, we liked the idea of having it be our secret. Now we're telling people as we see them/talk to them, but still haven't don't a big FB announcement. I think we'll probably do what we did with DD and just randomly post vacation pictures with me and my 7-months pregnant belly and let folks figure it out  

golfingdarwinfish

JoselynMR said:

I would still tell my family. They would be even madder had i not told them and lost the baby. God forbid. To each her own

I would hope family would not feel anger towards you during a time of immense grief & sadness. Thankfully my family has always respected my & DH's decision and offered empathy and comfort.

bumpuser10309732

We didn't tell our parents for a couple of weeks after. It was fun kind of having the secret to ourselves. I also wanted to keep it a secret due to any possible issues. Some of our close friends went to their first appointment and had no heartbeat. So we were pretty anxious about making it to that point. We also live in a very small town and once certain people know, the whole town knows. We surprised our parents with a hand painted sign for valentines day that says the best parents are promoted to grandparents. My MIL couldn't stop crying she was so happy and my parents were quite frankly weird about it. I think they were just shocked. But after them being weird we didn't tell anyone for 8 weeks. I didn't announce on Facebook because I've had issues with privacy in the past and didn't want more of that.

DreadGamerWife

We told my parents and brother once the Betas kept rising (as they knew we were going through IVF that month).  My supervisor and manager also knew early for the same reason (as did one of DH's co-workers).  DH told his best friends after the 8 week ultrasound and we told everyone else (including his family and facebook) after the NT scan and results were back (which was the beginning of the 2nd trimester).  If something had happened in the first trimester, we didn't want to have to go back and tell everybody about it (only people who knew us well and we know would support us regardless of the outcome).  

ss265

Our policy is to tell parents and siblings when we first find out and maybe close friends in the 1st tri (people who we wouldn't mind sharing with if we had a miscarriage). Everyone else after 1st tri. With both my pregnancies though, I have told my manager at work after we heard the heartbeat but I had really supportive managers and I wanted them to know in case I needed time off if I had a miscarriage.

With both pregnancies though, my Mom decided to tell all her friends when I was still in 1st tri and even though we told her it was a secret. She didn't seem to care that we wanted to keep it private. If we decide to have a 3rd, I likely won't tell her until after I am past the 1st tri.

lrobi13

The only people we told immediately were our moms.  I also told one person at work as I needed someone to talk about it to for the 8 hours a day and I told my best friend.  We swore everyone to secrecy until 8 week once we saw the first ultrasound.

I did not put it on FB until last Monday after we had the a/s and I felt really good about our baby.  Also, it is becoming pretty clear that I have done more than just eat too many burgers.

I think that families should respect the parents' choice on when to spread the news.  Personally, I would have hated telling the masses about a loss.  I selectively disclosed to people that I know would understand and give me the space and support in the event of a miscarriage.

I think that since the OP is on the younger side it makes sense that she doesn't see the point in not sharing the news because she has had less real world experience with loss (or her friends and family may have never shared with her their stories).

Unfortunately, my family has experienced a few late term 5+ month losses and I just have a realistic fear that it can happen to me as well.

eta.  used wrong word

Syllessa

Hell, my parents and my side of the family STILL don't know.  We'll be telling them next week while we are visiting.  I wanted to tell them in person anyway, and after losing Baby B, I wanted to wait until after the A/S.

BeanNut

We told our immediate family and a couple of close friends right away.  Then we gradually started telling other people after our 10 week U/S because we felt pretty good about the pregnancy sticking at that point.

MrMrsandBaby

I waited a little longer than the first time because I didn't want everyone asking "how are you feeling" for 37 weeks.  That is really my reason for waiting.

JoselynMR

I took a pregnancy test at work. I told my husband and he opened his mouth and told his mom. Later i got a call from my mom asking if i was pregnant because she seen it on fb. So i told her it was true. And then proceeded to tell my sisters and brothers.

wildflower75

JoselynMR said:

I would still tell my family. They would be even madder had i not told them and lost the baby. God forbid. To each her own

Everyone is not fortunate to have a supportive family... (that's not my personal experience but I have friends that have judgmental, negative and very opinionated family members....)

JoselynMR

I didnt know how far along i was until i went to the doctors which was a week later . So i was 5 weeks when she told everyone

toomanycats1

Sofia2529 said:

I'm a very private person so, if I were to have an early loss, I'd want to grieve quietly with my SO. Having friends and family know would just give me added stress and anxiety and I'd have no desire to untell people the news.

This is my experience exactly.  I'm 17.5 weeks now, and we are just starting to tell people. With 3 losses under our belts, we had zero confidence in this pregnancy lasting.  It is far easier to grieve quietly, than it is to do so publicly... for me anyway. 

Our families/work know about our missed m/c at 13 weeks, but have no idea we suffered 2 other losses as well.  Our painful journey over the last 2 years has been a private one.     

JoselynMR

Ok heres what happened, tmi i had intercourse 2 weeks before my period, i missed my period. So i thought i was pregnant. I waited for a couple more weeks. When it didnt come (i work next to a dollar store) i went to dollar tree and bought a test. I was sceptical about it and took it. It came out positive, i took the second one came out positive. I texted my husband and told him what had just happened. He was happy and asked if he could tell his friend. I said no that we should wait until after the appt. He agreed. But when i got home his parents were there and said congrats. I was mad and just went to my room. About 30mins later i got a call from my mom she had told me that on my mils Facebook it said i was pregnant, i got even more mad ,i wanted to tell her a different way so i told her to hush about it. The next day i seen my family and told them . I told them that i was and i was wating for the appt next week to confirm it. At my appt i was 6 weeks . So when i told them i was 5 weeks.

themiss

This is my first pregnancy, and it was a "happy accident" so I was SO stunned, I told my mom immediately at about 5 weeks. We told only close family, and then everyone else more recently.

I'm at 16 weeks right now and still haven't announced on Facebook...I'm not in a real rush, but my friends know now

It's a personal choice, and I waited till after 13 weeks to tell my friends, just in case.

vrj0522

JoselynMR said:

I didnt know how far along i was until i went to the doctors which was a week later . So i was 5 weeks when she told everyone

And this is one of the reasons why we waited to tell anyone. We figured that if we couldn't keep the secret for a few weeks, then we couldn't expect any of our immediate families to do so either.

I told my family at 9.5 weeks after our initial u/s. I was spotting at the time but because we had already seen the baby we were hopeful that everything would be okay. Because I was already more attached to the pregnancy, I also wanted the support from my family should anything happen. I asked them not to say anything until after the NT scan and they obliged; however, I also knew in the back of my mind that if they told anyone else, it would be on me for sharing the news early. I was okay with it however, because we had already seen the baby that week. We didn't tell DH's family until after the NT scan. 

CynthiaVRey

Exactly the story you just told is why some people chose to wait ! Because it's your own business to share nobody else's