Handling 'too old" to conceive comments(prev m/c)

kellsnajay

I am currently 39 (pushing 40) and TTC with my bf. Due to my age, I have been put through endless remarks of "you're too old, you are peri-menopausal" give it up, etc..... I could use some advice on how the women here handle such comments from supposed loving friends and families? I have began isolating myself from people who I feel attacked by lately

Lesliem0901

Wow...that really sucks. I'm 41 and no one has ever said that to me. I would isolate myself as well. Stick with positive and supporting friends and family. And the cool chics on this board. Hugs.

[Deleted User]

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kellsnajay

Thanks for the encouragement ladies!!! It's nice to know people can be nice about a dream that you may have instead of shooting it down

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Davie813

**Child mentioned**

Yuck--I'm so sorry you have to hear all that!

Is it possible that they're coming from a place of ill-informed but genuine concern? For all sorts of gross and sexist reasons, our culture really, really pushes the whole biological clock narrative, and I think a lot of people think it's a lot more true than it really is.

I know I did. I remember _sobbing_ when a relationship ended a couple of weeks after I turned 36 because the breakup meant that I would never-never!-be able to have children. And when I started TTC with my husband at 38 and 1/2, I was nothing short of astounded that it actually worked.

So maybe it's just that the naysayers are trying to protect you from what they honestly but wrongly see as inevitable disappointment and just need a little gentle education?

If not, though, I agree--do your best to surround yourself with more positive people!

Good luck to you!

ETA I'm now TTC #2 at 40, so I'm right there with you!

kellsnajay

I'm finding more support here on this site than in person.
I've never actually "not tried" throughout various relationships and was always told I would be the first to get married and have kids but that never came true. I guess that always stuck with me and is a sore subject. I hope you get to tell'em Jim Bob Cooter!!! xoxo

kelley72

Well, as a 41 year old with an 8wk old and ttc again... I'd say they are wrong and are not as loving/kind as they think they are.  I hope you receive the support you are looking for here and other avenues- and yes limit conversation regarding your hopes of conceiving to those that aren't helpful and hopeful!  Best wishes you get to show them how wrong they are!

 

PrivateOne

So sorry you have been around down right rude people.  This journey is tough enough without having to deal with that.  I just turned 44 and TTC my first for quite awhile now. Is it a long shot? Sure, but I'm not giving up.  The only person you have to answer to and be positive for is yourself.  Forget about all those naysayers and do what is right for you.  Will it be more challenging at an AMA, perhaps but you can certainly flip over to the Infertility board and read about women in their 20's and early 30's who are having a rough go at it too.  IF can be ageless.  Perhaps as a pp said they are uneducated in this area (as most people are).  You may want to help them to become educated, but it certainly isn't your responsibility.  When they chime in maybe just tell them it is a private matter between you and your bf and it is not up for discussion. Hopefully that will make them stop.  I personally don't talk about much with family and friends about it because it is a private matter to me and my DH. I do have a close circle of friends that I've met who have been through their own infertility journeys and in them I confide as they completely get it.  

Best of luck to you! Remember to lean on all of us as much as you need to.

 

C_Girlie

People can be so cruel

MelissaMiso

***child mentioned****

"Really?? My menstrual cycle and gynecologist think otherwise" or "Well, thank goodness you're not my gynecologist"

I had my DD1 when I was 39. Nobody made comments about my age and I haven't let it be known that we are TTC #2 at 41 years old. Fortunately, a lot of my peers also waited to have children and about three or four friends just had babies. People seem to have more "problems" with me being vegetarian than being a vintage TTCer. ("How can you NOT eat burgers or bacon????" "Simple. I don't put it in my mouth, chew it, nor swallow it.") Bottom line is it doesn't matter what I choose to do or not do with my body if it doesn't affect you so bug off.

  

massiahl

*** Pregnancy mentioned ****

First of all, I'm sending you a big internet hug for everything that you are going through and for the road ahead. >:D<   I'm sorry that you're not finding the support and encouragement that you're seeking from those around you.  However, there are some amazing women on this site who are so generous with their time and words.  I hope you find comfort here.  I'm here to tell you that there is room for hope and miracles.  I became pregnant at 45 with my first (through IVF) and am now in my third trimester with a very healthy baby girl (praise God). I have always taken very good care of myself and, unless I tell you how old I am - which I generally don't because it's really no one's business - you wouldn't know.   And, as other people have stated, age is not an absolute determinant of fertility.  There are plenty of women in their 20's and early 30's going through the same thing.  So, don't let age dissuade you - just know that there will be challenges that come with age.

In general, I have found that people can be the most hurtful or cruel when they think they are coming from a place of caring for you or protection.  Many times, it's because they either feel helpless or they don't know how to help you.  Remember: it's easier to deflate rather than build.  This is more so the case when you're talking about fertility and pregnancy. What we know about fertility has changed so much over the last 5 years and so has the technology and protocols.   So, unless you're having conversations with people who are going through the same thing as you and therefore being exposed to new data and processes out of necessity, you're really talking to people who aren't in the position to help or support you because they don't know.  Does that justify their rudeness? Absolutely not.  It should, however, give you a better perspective on how to move forward in the future.  Would you ask someone who has either never been behind a wheel or hasn't been driving in a few years about car inspections or car insurance?  Or expect them to understand the responsibilities of car ownership or the new laws affecting motorists?  No!  So, why talk to just anyone about fertility and expect them to get it? 

My immediate word of advice is to "Mind your own business."  When people hear that phrase, they immediately think about about staying out of other people's business.  What it really means is that you should focus on, protect and obey ("mind") YOUR business. Make what happens to you the priority because, if you don't, you are inviting someone else to invade your space and disrespect your business.   Focus on what you want and what you're going to do to move forward despite other people's misgivings, including your own.   What anyone else thinks about you is none of your business!   

This is a difficult road to travel.  You have enough baggage of your own. You don't need to travel with other people's baggage as well.

BeckyP005

Hugs. Everyone has given you great advice!! I can only image what they would say to me!! Lol. I'm using donor eggs but if this cycle works I will be close to 47

You need to ignore them. You don't want them to bring you down. Positive thoughts!! This board will help you get through all of this!! Good luck yo you

TAT2MAMI

I'm so sorry that you have had to encounter such negative comments. Surround yourself by positive people. Misery loves company. Don't feed into the negativity.
MANY women are waiting until they are older now to have children. What's the big deal?
Just ignore them. Ignorance is bliss! LoL

stellasoo

I love the advice massiahl gave. I've never thought about "mind your business" that way but it's so true. 

I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I'm sure I would get a ton of negative comments from family about my age and weight. I refuse to let that negativity in so I'm not talking about this with any of them.

mindaa

Sorry... that totally stinks.  

I have no advice, though - I've kept my TTC pretty private all along.... partly because I know I would struggle to graciously respond to comments like that!  Hang in there - you can come here to vent! 

kellsnajay

Thanks for all the great advice and encouragement!!!! I do appreciate it and it has started helping me relax about everything xoxo

ksgsmu

I am so sorry...  I would tell them to all jump in a creek but I have little tact or tolerance for mean people.

HUGS!!

kellsnajay

I have newfound hope and encouragement now when my cycle hits in 2 weeks!!! Woo hoo!!!

Bigboneded

I'm sorry you had to get that from your loved ones! We don't say things like that in my family. My grandma was old school from Ireland and got married at 39 and started having her children.... My brother came along when my mom was 41 (surprise!) On my dad's side 10 kids, 5 girls had their journeys at different ages, 2 uncles were starting families at 50. No one I am related to thinks there is a "too old for kids" and my friends know how Ive wanted children my whole life.... it took so long to find Mr.Right. I would cut those folk out of my life, but I am in a different situation. Maybe you could tell them that you really want a baby and if they cant be nice about it, then just refrain from speaking- good luck and big (((hugs)))

laurakaz13

Wow.  I'm sorry, OP.  I am also 39 and frankly I am in the greatest shape of my life.  I take great care of myself and easily got pregnant in the past.  I have one DD.  However, I do have issues now but I'm not going to give up so easily.  You shouldn't give up either.  Good luck to you!