Single Parents

re-posted and updated from original 1st tri post... BF walked out.

runningmama22runningmama22 member
edited May 2014 in Single Parents
Hi ladies. I am 13 weeks and 3 days right now. Everything is healthy so far with the pregnancy! I am excited about it and excited to be a mommy. It's my first baby and first pregnancy.

My now ex-boyfriend and I had only been dating about 2 months when I found out I was pregnant. He immediately accused me of lying, saying I "knew" I was pregnant (I took a test two weeks prior and it was negative, which I told him.. but he says it must have been positive and I "lied").. I definitely did not, I had been on a juice cleanse (about 1100 calories a day, but still) and also working out a lot.. definitely had no idea I was pregnant.  Anyway, we found out on 3/11 and he broke up with me by the end of the week. He took his "space" for a few days, I tried to give it to him but kept texting him how mad I was at his reaction. 

 Prior to this happening (literally up until the day before he found out), he was telling me he loved me, wanted to spend his life with me, wanted to settle down and have a family with me, etc. :( He has a 3 1/2 year old son with another woman he was previously engaged to and dated for 5 years total, and she was also on the pill like I was when she became pregnant (so it's not like he didnt know this was a possibility - he has sperm of steel or something). He was telling me what a great momma I would be, and how we would have beautiful babies, and we even talked about kid names. We were planning to move in together some time this spring or summer! Now, he is just done, and says he wants "to be alone for a long time"... but claims he will be here for me during my pregnancy and for the baby when he or she arrives.  SO FAR... he hasn't done jack shit.  He has seen me 5 times total since becoming pregnant. He lives 5 miles away.  He hides me from friends and family now, and has shit talked me to mutual friends (he's not very smart).  He fights with me any chance he can get, and has threatened that if I ever have the baby around my (other) ex boyfriend, he will fight for custody (he just doesn't like him. It's RIDICULOUS).

On Easter Sunday, his ex-fiance and first child's mom called me from HIS phone to tell me my baby was ruining her relationship with him, and blah blah blah she won't let me and my baby come between them and ruin all she has fought for.  She said the night before, he had told her she was the only woman he wants to spend his life with. HE didn't stand up for me, let her keep talking, and just told me all she said was a lie when he finally did call me.  I personally think HE is lying, and I believe HER over him right now.  I don't know. It's so ridiculous and not what I need surrounding my pregnancy.

He has tried to sleep with me 4 times (I gave in twice, but won't ever again)... he says he loves me and the little one, he says he wants to be close with me, he wants to love me again and whatever... but I think actions speak louder than words, and he hasn't done much of anything.  He makes it clear also he doesn't want a relationship with me, contrary to everything else he says. 

Of note, his ex mentioned he is a pathological liar (which I am starting to believe), and she mentioned his drinking problem, which I've now seen in full ugly force. He passed out asleep wasted beyond belief with his 3 year old son on the other end of the couch one time when we were dating, and I didn't have the reaction to it that I would now that I'm a mom to be.... but even when I did see it, I stayed overnight to make sure that kid was okay because I knew he was being irresponsible.  Now I'm finding out this wasn't a one time incident, and apparently he used to do this to his ex all the time when she would be working and he was home "watching" their son. He'd be passed out and she would have to send friends and family to check on her son.  Why she wants to be with him after all of that, I have NO clue... anyway...

My heart is breaking because I wanted him by my side through it all, and I thought we would have a family... and now, it looks like he is going to have two children with two different women and not end up with either of them, or possibly back with her. Her hopes are that he cleans himself up and goes back to her. I am so hurt and I just feel lost.  I have amazing family and friends, who are all very supportive... but what do I do?  Give him his space and hope he comes around?  Forget about him, go dark, not invite him to any appointments anymore?

He is going to try to get some custody I know... and I guess my child deserves a father figure - but he is an alcoholic (and dabbles in some illegal stuff from what I have recently found out and he even admitted).  I feel so lost. . . 
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Re: re-posted and updated from original 1st tri post... BF walked out.

  • tig594tig594 member
    Kick his slimy ass to the curb.  He's playing you like fiddle.  I wouldn't talk to him anymore or his ex.  Let her have him.  He obviously wants his cake and to be able to eat it, too.  Don't kid yourself into thinking he loves you or wants to be with you.  Sadly, it's quite obvious he only cares about himself and needs to grow up and learn responsibility.  If you cut contact now maybe he'll leave you alone after you have your baby.  Also, two months isn't enough to with someone to really know you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Not even close. 
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  • Thanks ladies. @beccaga16 no, you're right, I wouldn't be surprised if anyone does judge that. I believed his stupid excuse that he was just having a very hard time (anniversary of his father's death)... he swore it was out of character for him/he wouldn't do it again, and I gave the benefit of the doubt since it was the first time I saw anything like it.  BUT he was so out of it, it was almost like unconscious. Sternal rub didnt even wake him up, nor did slapping his face.  It was a red flag... so many in hindsight :(  That's a good idea to just leave the ball in his court now - I am starting to sound pathetic with all the "dont you want to see your little one?" texts about ultrasounds and whatever... ugh I am so mad I didn't see this for what it was. When I was typing all that out I was like "REALLY?? Why have you been waiting around, stupid!" to myself... I wasn't really planning the life as much as he was, he said he loved me on our third date (and I thought it was weird, didn't say it back for another month, and actually waited a whole month and a half to sleep with him bc I thought it was too much too fast)... but yeah I was shocked he brought me around his son so soon. I just think he has no judgment (which scares me shitless now).

    @tig594 you're right, I was played and it SUCKS. I feel like an idiot, my ego (whatever is left of it right now) is bruised and it's extra hard to get over with the pregnancy hormones.  You are so right, he only does care about himself. He's so self righteous too, always saying how he's a great dad and yada yada he wants to be for this baby too... I have cut contact today!! I hope you're right and over the next 6ish months he just drops off. It would be such a blessing I think, because I don't need his influence in my little one's life, or his shit affecting my moods in front of my baby. I definitely won't be talking to the ex either, never would have had she not called from his number. Such drama shit!!

    Thanks ladies - hoping I can stay strong for this little one and not contact him, and definitely not take him back. I have been in one abusive relationship before, and it took a lot of leaving and going back to realize it wasn't changing.... I don't want to be in that trap again, especially when a LO is involved. 
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  • eg214eg214 member
    Amen to everything they all said above.

    Although hard to swallow, you'll find this board to be truthful. I was not in exactly your shoes but early on in my PG, my ex and I broke up. He's been a dipshit, good for nothing, worthless, piece of shit. My daughter is 3 months old now and he hasn't seen her nor paid a dime in child support. Don't expect this man to do a thing. He vaguely reminds me of another exbf I had who was cheating on me with his exgf behind my back yet preaching to me WHILE I WAS LIVING WITH HIM how he wanted to have a life with me and how said exgf was a crazy psycho. They are still together and this was 2+ years ago.

    Stop texting him. Kick his ass to the curb. Hold your tummy and tell your little one that you will be his or her protector and it's just the two of you now. I had no idea how I'd make it financially and with no fam or friends nearby, but we're doing it. I had to go back to school and take out 245292420 loans but I'm doing it. Just her and I. You can do it too.

    PCOS // Loss 3/2010 // Single Mom // Natural Birth // DC Metro // Baby Girl Born 2/2/2014
  • Im late to the welcoming party. Cause of school. So first things first.
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    Now, a lot has been said already that i.agree with. Some of it is yes, you got played, hard. And it was silly to start planning a life with a man youd been dating for two months(btw no judgment here, i did the same thing only i married him and then divorced him six months later). Also yes you ignored some major red flags, but.hind sight is always 20/20 so i digress.

    This is what needs to happen if he puts moves in you again. Do not sleep with him.
    image

    And focus on your lo. Him and his ex and their kid havenothing to do with your lo. He left, he punked out. He needs to work towards a relationship and prove he can be a good parent to your lo. You owe him nothing.
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  • @eg214 thank you for sharing that...your ex bf sounds like the dad of my LO to a T. I am shocked because I was with a liar before and "swore" I'd be able to tell the signs if I ever ran into one again... Then again, I guess this IS a lot quicker than the 2 year debacle of a relationship I was in before with the other liar.... Anyway, that all made me cry about you going back to school, congrats to you, it's amazing. I plan to go to PA/Med School (still deciding), so I'll be in a similar boat with loans... thing is, the second I found out about LO it lit a fire under my ass to go back to school so I can be happy doing what I love, and more importantly provide a good life for my "family" no matter how small it may be.... unlike my ex, who, red flag, sits around and mopes about how he will never have a life now owing child support to two women... HELLO, make a change! 

    Ugh...Seriously everyone on here has been great and has already helped give me clarity!!

    @minnesotamomma91 thank you for the images as guidance :) lol. Especially Stitch!! Oh I am looking forward to watching all of those movies all over again with LO :) That really made me happy. And reminded me exactly what's important here.
    Team Pink!

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  • Dude, I'm late to the game too. Welcome to the board. No judgment from me. My whole FOUR YEAR relationship with my DD's sperm donor was red flag after red flag. I'm at the point now where when I talk about our time together, mid-story I stop, laugh and announce "red flag!" And then continue.

    He told me he loved me pretty quickly and I was in a total dark place at the time so I believed it, and I thought I loved him back. He cheated on me the whole 4yrs, was a (barely) functioning alcoholic, and, I found out later, a drug dealer. Total scumbag. The psycho he left me for tried to break us up a few times. And when she finally succeeded, she stalked me. I think she even followed me to this board at one point (there was a post by a girl who "wanted to get pregnant with her boyfriend, but had been a single mom for a year" or something along those lines and her profile was all about being from where this girl was from and how awesome that place is). I ignored her, because she fought to be with a sleazy piece of shit, clearly she had problems.

    Side story, guys, I found out she had left BD to pursue a guy in jail. Did I tell you guys that? She aims high for a gutterslut.

    Anyway, I agree with all these responses. Especially with Becca about the texting/calling. If BD ever asks about me when asking about DD, I ignore the question and move on. He only texts because I do no answer his calls. This is for documentation purposes. Which you may want to start doing too. In case he ever takes you to court, you can show the judge how he treats you if he's abusive in any way. Or his ex, so that if the judge allows him some sort of custody arrangement, you could have it so that she is not around your LO.
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  • What @roxalot said. Document document document.
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  • runningmama22runningmama22 member
    edited May 2014
    @roxalot - thanks for the welcome... ugh I'm sorry you went through all of that. They both sound super classy.... 

    I'm a little worried right now because I have also lashed out at him over text, I've even insulted his ex (because she is perfectly content being complacent and making minimal money as a bar waitress, while crying the blues for money to him and taking 1000+ from him a month)... NOT hating on waitresses, but there are better places to waitress where she would make GOOD money instead of a dingy bar... just my opinion but I don't respect her much for sitting around sucking all his money away when she's not even doing a thing to improve her situation - and I have also lashed out about his sister, who always sends me annoying/nasty texts about how I'm ruining her brother's life, and she is "concerned for his safety with me"....NO idea what would make her say that because the worst I've done is yell at her precious brother - he is the real endangerment - to his SON... but whatever.  I'm worried he will show my own outbursts to the judge, and that he will try to make me look unstable bc I have a text temper - I've never said a mean word to his face, never raised my voice to him even on the phone... My cousin who is a lawyer said not to worry about that because if the court has a question they will do their own eval of me, he just advised me to not do it anymore.  Is a temper over text alone enough to prove someone is "unstable" as my ex likes to call it?  I'm pregnant and hormonal, feel abused, and feel abandoned... is it expected that I would feel like myself at the moment?  I dunno - I worry about him too, since he is pretty sneaky. 
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  • @beccaga16 thanks for the response. I don't hate on her because of her lack of ambition or whatever. It's more that she would threaten him all the time to take the child away if he didn't do x,y,z and she sent me harassing messages online. Which I saved. I had no issue with this woman prior to all of that. Regardless, I will certainly not continue lashing out regarding anything anymore and haven't for quite a few weeks.
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  • And she threatened to make his life miserable if they went to court when they split. So all he pays her is of his own volition and bc he is a cosigner on everything she has, so his credit would be affected. He has said courts would mandate about 550 a month, not the 1400 he's paying currently. I know it's not my issue but it now technically affects his overall income which affects our little one too, so it does matter to me. She was quite vicious when she called me and informed me her son would be number one and ours would have to take a "back seat." It's not arbitrary hating on my end.
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  • thanks @beccaga16 . No, I appreciate your input. I can handle harsh. Someone yelled at me on 2nd tri for using "double negatives.." I was just like, excuuuuse my pregnancy brain, I'm a little slow these un-caffeinated days.  You don't really sound harsh either, btw.  I get exactly what you're saying, and you're right it's not even my business what he does now re:his other situation.  It's hard though because just a few months ago I cared about his situation and the crap she did put him through, so it's hard to just detach completely and be apathetic to it all... but focusing on LO makes it easier. As does NO CONTACT, which is still successfully in effect on my end.  He did message me to say he actually has a mothers day present for me. Enticing but I have no desire to respond.  Thanks for the support and wisdom ladies :) 
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  • tig594tig594 member
    Just a thought.  Do you really know what she "puts him through" or are you just going by what his attention hording self has told you. 
  • @tig594 well shit. You're right. Lol only based on what he says.... Ughhhh
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  • Im going to say something harsh but i agree with becca and tig. It is impossible for you to know exactly what is going on between them. And that is between them. Dont bitch about what money he gives her. Block anyone who harasses you. Stop having temper tantrums. You are a mother now. And yes all of this sucks. But dont stoop to their level.

    Also, pregnancy hormones suck, but they are not an excuse. You need to practice self control. You cant just flip out on people then say, my bad pregnancy hormones. You are an adult act like it.

    And it is none of your buisness what his ex does or does not do to better herstuation. I wish that my sons sm could better her situation. But i know that might not be realistic for her because child care is expensive and she has four kids. You dont know her situation. She might be working to pay for child care or to get buy. Stop judging her. Her situation is hers not yours
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