Discipline

dmndsr4eva

I really could use some advice as far as disciplining my 4 year old son.  I suspect that at his dad's he gets to do whatever he wants.  At my house any time I ask him to do something or tell him no he reacts negatively and has a fit.  Every time I ask him to pick up his toys he ignores me or tells me no.  Every time I tell him he can't have coke, candy, etc he pitches a fit.  I am really at my wits end.  Maybe once a week or less I get to the end of my rope and my FI will spank him.  Which I really don't like and quite frankly it doesn't seem to be helping much.  What ideas/suggestions do you have for disciplining little kids?

Wahoo

First of all, you can't control what happens at his dad's house, so don't dwell on that.  Your son will pick up (if he hasn't already) that there are two different sets of rules at the separate homes.

Try natural consequences.  He won't pick up his toys?  Tell him you will set the timer for 10 minutes (or whatever time you think it will take).  Anything that is not picked up by that time will be put in a box and put away for a few days (or longer).

If he pitches a fit in public - go home.  Pick him up, put him in the car and drive home.  Even if you spent $20 for tickets to get into wherever he threw the tantrum (amusement park, zoo).  

I would also discuss the boundries before you go.  For example, I will tell the kids if we are going to a carnival that I will only buy water for each of them plus one snack for them to share so they better agree what it will be.  Let DS know that if he wants more than that, he can pay for it with his money from grandma (if he has his own $$ and if that is ok), but if he pitches a fit, you will leave.

Personally, I don't like spanking, because I don't think it teaches the lesson that your ds needs to learn.  I only spank my kid if they do something dangerous (ie: I would rather they remember the pain of a spanking if they run into the street, vs. the pain of getting hit by a car).  

new+tothis

^^ Great advice from Wahoo. 

My son just turned 4. BD and I have very different parenting strategies. It's more structured at my house and DS is able to get BD to do a lot for him / get away with doing what he wants. DS has understood that there are different rules in each home for at least a year. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for.

I am a huge fan of Love and Logic. They have an early childhood book (or CD) which has been a life saver for me. I do everything Wahoo said plus have "energy drains". DS whines or makes fart noises at me or whatever it just drains the energy right out of me. I can't play or do things for others when I have no energy. DS can put my energy back by doing a chore or something else for me. Yesterday he put my energy back by collecting all the trash bags from around the house. The day before that he dusted. When he has a tantrum I say "Uh oh little bit of bedroom time" and put him in his room where he is welcome to stomp, tantrum, or cry. It's "just not my style to listen to things like that". I wait until he is calm then start a timer for 4 minutes. It has worked really well.

dmndsr4eva

Thank you guys for the suggestions.  We have gone through a really rough few years and between break ups, moving 3 times, and working all day long I am finding it hard to get a flow going.  I feel like I am just surviving day by day. I am going to focus more on it when he gets back from his dad's. 

ambrvan

The only thing I have to add is that when you are having an issue with DS, you need to be the one to discipline him. Vice versa, sane goes for his dad or your FI. Don't have someone else finish what your started.

But before you get absolutely to that point where you're going to pull your hair out, it's perfectly fine to ask your FI to step in and take over DS duty while you take a quiet moment to recharge.

My point is not that you should be able to handle it alone. My point is that you don't want DS to learn that he can count on you to never be able to discipline him abd that there will only be consequences if someone else is around (in this case FI).

My DS is 4, also. They are so trying!

CurlieWhirlie

You've gotten some excellent advice already, I just wanted to say that my DS is 4.5, and he is like this, too. It usually makes me feel better to know that this is an age-appropriate boundary-testing phase he's going through, and not because of our blended family situation. Knowing that helps me stave off the mommy-guilt when my son is acting like an asshole. Hopefully it will help you, too!

+just+j+

How often is he at his dad's?  If you have him the majority of the time, then you have created this monster.  Regardless of what happens at the dad's house,  you still need to set rules at your home and your child is at an age where they know the difference.  When my four year old throws a fit, I ignore her. I tell her once, "You are whining. When you can ask me or talk to me in a nice voice, I am not listening to you", or "you are not getting XYZ".   She also has consequences if she steps it up and throws something or tries to hit me and it's a time out and she doesn't get ANYTHING until she calms down.  Other than more serious bad behavior, I let her drop and sit wherever she is an whine and cry. I do not give her attention at all.  Eventually she comes around and she behaves as she should have.  I then have a nice calm conversation about how much easier and quicker it is I react when she is nice and speaks kindly to me.  She still has her moments but she has come around considerably now that she knows I don't tolerate whining or fits.  You can NOT budge on this.  And trust me...it will get worse before it gets better. 

caper18

If I can jump in, my when my SS was 3.5-4 he pitched major fits anytime he was told "no".  We used time outs in his bedroom and if he got really bad he had to kneel on the floor and stare at the wall for 2-3 minutes. There were LOTS of time outs.  But now he's 5.5 and is just about the best behaved child I know!  Maybe it's just a phase for your little guy too.

My SS gets whatever he wants at his BM's too, Toys R US and the movies every weekend they are with her and video games all day...and eating out just about every meal.  LIke PP stated you can't control what happens when he's not with you, you can only do your best while he is with you.  Stay strong Momma, I know it's hard

ambrvan

JMPrice said:

There's a great book called SOS Help for Parents by Lynn Clark, PhD. It outlines excellent steps that are supported by everyone's helpful comments. It uses time outs and nonviolent behavior correction. Spanking does not help and is detrimental to the parent-child relationship.

I'm a big fan of "grandma's rule". I tell SS he can plan video games for 1 hour after he finishes his homework. It works great, just find something he really likes doing. It can be a physical reward such as a toy, a treat or one-on-one time with you. I even use it on my 1.5 yr old DD to get her to take her medicine! That kid will do anything for chocolate!

Good luck.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding you. Sure, sometimes I'm ok with rewarding my kids for doing something if it's something out if the way that I want then to do purely for my benefit (extra jobs that are ordinarily not their responsibility or require more extreme effort). But I can't see it at all beneficial for the child or parent to teach them that something good/fun/awesome is always going to follow something they don't want to do.

I expect my kids to do what they're supposed to whether our not there is going to be a reward. Or maybe the reward is being told, "Thank you for getting ready on time; it makes everybody's day start off happier." Acknowledgement and praise, affirmation they did something good.

But when I tell them to clean their room, they just better clean their room. I'm not offering special things for being a contributing member of society/this family. It's just expected. They won't always get rewarded or even acknowledged in real life, so why teach them that they should expect something in return for conducting themselves appropriately?

I do always tell them thank you and that I appreciate whatever they have done (down respect, cleaned their room, followed directions, listened if I said no and then not thrown a fit, anything) because xyz...