my H is a crap hoarder... rant please

ambrvan

H is convinced his GM is going to die soon because she is developing dementia, and it is rapidly getting worse. I don't mean to sound harsh, but whatever, she is in her eighties, lost her husband in 2011, oldest son in 2012, and middle son in 2013. She is secure and solid in her faith, and if I were her, I wouldn't care one way or the other if God took me home. She has said many times over the last three years that she is ready to go and just waiting on the Lord to call her. I get it that H is still going to be hit hard, but this... getting to it.... is ridiculous.

FIL and wife are moving in with GM to help take care of her, so today they moved the bedroom suit (antique, cool, but dated, not cool) up to our house today for us to give to SD. I'm ok with that. It's way too big for her room, but eh, she'll love it. And eventually one day, DH might be open to having it stained darker. I'll even have a professional do it so he won't be worried about anyone messing it up. 8-|

So he comes back with the furniture. And a crap ton of boxes loaded with.... CRAP. I mean crap like naked, bald dolls and ratty stained doll blankets, pot holders, threadbare sheets that don't match or even fit this bed, crib sheets (we don't freaking have a baby), etc. The entire bed of his truck was filled with this kind of stuff. FIL brought the furniture up on a trailer behind his own truck. That's how much crap I'm talking about.

The only thing of sentimental value in all this are some ceramic wash bowl and pitchers (GM was a collector throughout her life and the entire family gets a few) and an apron that belong to GM's mother. I can't handle that. FIL and his wife said while GM wasn't listening that those are the only things they ask us to keep. Other than that, do whatever with it all when GM is not around. :-bd

And then H starts bringing it all in. I said not to worry about it, just get the wash bowl and pitchers out and I'll put the rest in the African missions yard sale. He tells me that no way are we getting rid of "anything Granny every gave to [SD]" in more colorful and convicted words than that.

So I either have to:

a) live with it.

b) figure out how to get it all out when both he and SD are gone.

8-}

tcam2012

Or c) wait until he is not grieving as hard and talk to him again. Maybe she's ready to go but it doesn't mean your DH is ready to let her go.

ambrvan

The problem is literally that we have nowhere to store these things. He was taking about taking the boxes to his mom's house that she just bought and moved into Wednesday. She said no and I told him if we have no where to store these things then he needs to figure out what is important and what's not. If he really wants to hold onto them that bad, then he needs to get rid of some of his own things to make room. And if he thinks SD really wants to keep the baby toys and naked dolls that bad then the same.

But trying to be insensitive, but he does this all the time. Somebody gives him something because they don't want it and we have to keep it (i.e. two ceramic red bulls we both hate, a hummingbird statue we both hate, angels that he hates and I never notice, potholders galore because people were cleaning out their kitchen, two empty knife blocks, and a stained needle point picture of pears that is hanging out of place on a random wall. Ask if these things I'm seeing just from looking around from the couch, and every single one came from what didn't sell at a relative's yard sale so they boxed it up and stuck it in his truck and said "here."

He went out last night and I got all the important things out and put up. The rest are things his dumpster diving uncle got out of the trash. Since he asked me to put it all up, I called him and told him what I had done with the important things and he could either deal with the rest or I could get it out of the house. He didn't want to deal with putting any of it up so he chose the latter.

If it truly was just a grieving issue, I would just deal with it. But he does this all the time. He is a packrat and expects me to clean and organize his mess.

I will admit, though, that I was a huge bitch yesterday and it had nothing to do with this. I apologized majorly this morning for how I handled everything. I asked him to just give me reasons why things are important to him, who they came from, what memory they're associated with, etc so I can see the value, too, and not be so insensitive. I also asked that he please realize he cannot keep filling our house with stuff with nowhere to put it. Something comes in, something must go out.

ambrvan

Too many typos to edit. Mobile.

ambrvan

Ok, after thinking about it some more, I think I was being unreasonable. Just because I was in a bad mood. I should have waited to address it all later. Everything is always different in the next day's light.

We actually went through it all today and he thought it was crazy that some of the stuff was in there because he had no clue what it was or it came from the garbage or it had no relevance to him (had someone else's name on it, even stranger's).

So we came to a peaceful resolution with him deciding what to do with everything.

Wahoo

One thing that Peter Walsh (organizer for Oprah) always says is "xxx thing is not (the person who gave it to you."  So "that dishrag is not grandma."  "That potholder is not Uncle Paul," etc.

I think people get caught up in feeling that if they throw away something they were given by a person, they are disrespecting the person or "throwing them away."  But I think you can say something like "do you think grandma would like to be remembered as a ratty old doll with no hair?  We already have a beautiful basin from her to cherish." 

I would also add...this is your home, too.  If you want space and you want to be surrounded by beautiful things, then just because H wants it doesn't mean you have to keep or display it.  Does he have an office or man-cave?  If yes, then it has to go into the mancave, and if the mancave is full - so sorry, it can't be in the house.

Get rid of the bulls.