Anxiety is through the roof!

Amazing817

I feel like such a mess right now! We took off the last month to give ourselves a break so I feel like this month I am not ready for the roller coaster of a ride we are on! We are on IUI #2 using clomid. I used the lovely clear-blue OPK which told me on Tuesday and Wednesday I was just about to ovulate. Then on Thursday my RE told me to test again and it was blank, WTF!!! So Friday morning we went in because they were afraid that we missed it, my husband did his thing (twice because his sample so low, poor guy he isn't doing well with this) and I had an ultrasound and blood work. They said that I didn't ovulate yet according to the ultrasound which was good so we would proceed with the IUI, then wait to see what the blood shows. 

So they called last night and said that according to the blood work I hadn't ovulated so I had to go back today for blood work. Since it's Mother's Day weekend my husband has to work the entire weekend as his office highly relies on Mother's Day sales. So I went today and they just called saying that according to my blood work I still haven't ovulated, WTF! So tomorrow on Mother's Day I get to make the long drive by myself and go for more blood work, then they will let us know if we need to go for another IUI on Monday or Tuesday. I just feel super shitty right now, not really sure what is going on. Also, because both of our bosses/jobs are in the dark we now may need to take another day off and I know that this isn't going to go over well and I really don't want to deal with my bosses bs! My husbands job we think has maybe figured it out and they have been accommodating, but my boss is a total a$$! My anxiety of not knowing when we will have to go back in and being able to schedule around it is freaking me out a bit. It wouldn't be so bad if everything was in the same area but driving to the fertility center is about 45 min. then both of our jobs are in opposite directions by another hour so it just makes all this juggling difficult. It will all be worth it just need to try to keep myself together! 

I just feel pretty alone and shitty right now. We decided not to tell anyone about the IUI because we know that our chances are so low until we move onto IVF. I think that this is the right decision plus we really want to avoid the disappointment in them if it doesn't work. We know that they all just want the best for us, but its hard not to sense other's sadness for us which isn't that comforting. We don't want anyone to feel sad for us, we know that these are the cards that we have been dealt and we are working through it, I think I just might feel a bit better if I could talk to someone. I hope tomorrow's blood work is more promising and we have more answers. So to keep my mind busy I have decided to tackle the garage and organize/purge the heck out of it, I know I will feel more productive once I am done!

brazenbiblio

I'm in the same boat with not telling people. I can't deal with having to update everyone especially if it's disappointing news. I'd rather no-one knows but it makes scheduling all of this monitoring really hard. So far I've just been saying that I need to go to the doctors because of other issues.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Good luck on tomorrow's blood work.

lebradford

I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed and anxious.

A few things to consider, if you're interested: Have you considered using a trigger shot to help time the IUI/ovulation? It's another step and another cost, but it might make you less stressed if you have to do this again.

Secondly (and this definitely isn't right for everyone), you might want to consider telling your employer what is going on. I emailed my boss to tell her what's going on and that I might need days off with little notice or I might occasionally come in late. I told her I didn't talk to her in person because it's such an emotional topic for me, and then I let her know that I didn't want anyone else to know or to discuss it. If you trust your boss to be professional about it, then it might take some pressure off you at work.

I know not every problem can be solved, but try to be as kind to yourself as possible when you're going through this and take short-cuts and ease pressure whenever possible.

StacyLH24

I'm sorry things are such a roller coaster for you right now. This definitely isn't an easy road for some of us.

I would also suggest looking in to using a trigger shot. I did two cycles using OPKs and had so much anxiety from reading the smiley faces and lines. Using a trigger gets rid of a small amount of anxiety. I think it is 100% worth it.

I also agree with telling your boss if you think it would help. I'm lucky to have a great relationship with mine. She is actually the reason why we started when we did. She was urging us to start sooner rather than later. I have shared our entire process with her. I know not everyone can do that, but having her know has been so helpful.

BunnyBerry

I'm so sorry for all your struggles this cycle. It's awful that this one had to be so tough and really undo that great relaxation from your month break.

With all the time and cost involved with a long commute, the disappointments of BFNs, and work pressure, it makes sense to plan on moving to IVF sooner rather than later if needed (hopefully not).

It sounds like you made a wise choice by not sharing news of your IUI with family/friends at this time. Sorry that you are feeling alone without them to talk to about this roller coaster cycle.

I'm glad that at least you didn't end up missing O after those first OPK+s! Sounds like your office is doing everything possible to make sure this isn't a wasted cycle.

Cleaning/purging the garage is a genius idea! Ridding ourselves of junk, clutter, to-do lists...it is so freeing. I totally took command of my lawn today and experienced complete victory over the dandelions 2 hours later, and it really helps in this whirlwind of IF where we have so little control over how things go!

I hope you and DH are able to head back in soon without having any work issues and hit that egg!

Amazing817

I can't thank you all enough for your thoughts and hugs, today has been rough but to be honest I am dreading tomorrow a bit more now. I never thought on Mother's Day I would be sitting in our RE's office alone getting blood drawn. I am trying to remain positive and thinking that we are one step further alone in our journey just sorta a weird day to be doing all of this. I just got the call and we are scheduled for our next IUI tomorrow on 5/12 so hopefully with two IUI's this cycle we might have our little miracle! 

@awiley10 we are choosing not to tell people because with his sister's journey we knew a lot of the steps that they were going through and it was very difficult to know what to say and how to react as a sister in a law. Especially when their first round of IVF failed it was extremely devastating for everyone. I know we have loved ones that want to be supportive but its hard to bring them into our every day world of uncertainty. Also I think a bit selfishly we want things to be a surprise for some of them. Most people clearly know we are having some sort of issues but just not 100% what is going on. 

@lebradford I will ask our RE after our IUI tomorrow about the trigger shot. I think he was hoping since I always typically ovulate on my own not to the do the shot if I 100% didn't need to. However the past two months the OPK haven't worked the same as they were a year ago for us. 

As for telling my boss I work for a Catholic University and although I don't know his personal beliefs I know that treatments aren't 100% supported through the mission of the university. Also I have only been working there for about 8 months and I know that he is already a paranoid person and I don't want him to think that I will walk out when I get pregnant and screw him. He makes a lot of things about him. If it was any of my other jobs I think I would of said something but I am just not comfortable with him. Plus I don't trust him to keep this between the two of us, which is sad but I think he would blab to others. 

@StacyLH24 & @pacherfan4life I am hoping the trigger will be easier, definitely on my list of questions for the RE!

@BunnyBerry Cleaning and purging were so stress relieving for me yesterday, today while my DH is at work I am going to work on those 5 loads of laundry and hopefully get some other things off my to do list which will make my feel better! 

Lillovebug79

I definitely think the trigger is worth looking in to especially when doing IUI. I have always ovulated on my own as well but my RE felt like a trigger was necessary to time IUI with ovulation very closely and I agree. Washed sperm for IUI don't live as long as sperm that have gone through fertile CM, like only around 6-12 hours. Especially with MFI, it's important to have as many alive up there when the egg is released as possible. I know for me at least, I was a whole lot less stressed the cycles that we used a trigger because I knew our timing was the best. Good luck!