IL relationship advice - Edited

Barefoot84

A few months back, we had a general marriage advice thread that was very helpful to me, and hopefully to others. I was wondering if anyone had general advice on how to improve a relationship with your in-laws. My relationship with all my ILs is difficult, and I would love to get to a point where I wouldn't dread a supper with them.

Edit: This turned into a post where I basically just bash my in-laws, and that wasn't my intention. I hate bad-mouthing anyone, even when it's well deserved. I know they're special in a bad way, and that our relationship will never be great. However, for my H and Tumaini's sakes, I'd like to be able to handle a meal with them once in a while. I won't delete anything, because it would be confusing for everyone new to the thread, but if you want to skip all my posts and just post some general advice at the end of the thread, for my benefit and for everyone else dealing with difficult in-laws please do so.

For exemple, it was suggested that each partner deals with his side of the family. From now on, H will be the one running inside and moving the peanut bowl from Tumaini's reach, and I'll ask him to talk to his parents once again regarding her allergies.

Thanks everyone for your support.

lkamenko

You probably need to dig more in to details of the problem. Why do you think you have a strained relationship with them? Do you dislike particular characteristic or behavior of your MIL or FIL? Perhaps they have completely diferrent outlook on how to run the family and raise the kid? Are they critical and negative toward you? Is there some history why they treat you this way or dislike you?   I am just speculating, you know, but may be if you give us more details or example of what do you think is wrong with your relationship we can help?

Barefoot84

Oh my, I wouldn't know where to start...

A big source of conflict right now is Tumaini's allergies. She has a serious egg and nut allergy, and I never go anywhere without her epipen, I'm super diligent on letting people know about her allergies, etc. My ILs don't seem to grasp the concept that allergies are a health-problem, and giving her eggs/nuts could seriously harm her. EVERY single time they invite us over, they put a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table in the living room, beside other snacks they encourage Tumaini to eat. So everytime, I need to rush inside before my kid, remove the nuts, and remind my ILs not to put the nuts within her reach because she's too young to understand she can't have any, while other people can.

This happened at Easter. Once again, they gave me the side eye when I put the peanuts on the kitchen counter, and reminded them politely to please not put them there next time. Then, my MIL took out a dip with eggs. I told her she could have some cucumbers, but no dip. I turn around, my MIL is about to feed her a piece of cucumber WITH dip, and is a few inches from Tumaini's mouth. I yell NO. She jumps, turns around, and starts yelling at me: "What is your problem? Why would you yell like that at me?". I apologize for yelling, but told her I felt I had to yell because of how close she was to feeding my child eggs. My FIL cuts in with "I heard it's good to give them allergens in small dose, it helps cure the allergy". WTF  I tell them my allergist is not comfortable with that approach.

Supper is over, she takes out the desert. I go to Tumaini's bag and take out her Rice Krispie square. MIL : "What is that?" Me : "I didn't want her to feel left out at dessert, so I brought her something". She answers : "I made crème brulée, with no eggs". I look at H for help, but he's no cook. I say, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of a crème brulée with no eggs. Did you make it yourself?", she says yes, I ask "From scratch", she says no, I added things to the powder. I ask for the packaging, she says she threw it away, but that there were no eggs in it. I give H a hard stare till he gets up, goes to the garbage, finds the packaging, reads the ingredients where eggs are in the top ingredients. My ILs but give me a death stare, and don't talk to me for the rest of the meal...

Wow, that was long. I want to slap them all over again. I think this is hopeless...

Barefoot84

I should probably edit that, but it's too long, and it explains perfectly why I can't stand them. They're also super critical of me, and my MIL stopped talking to me for months last year. We never found out why, she said she didn't want to talk about it. She would come over to my home, but refuse to speak to me, and refuse to acknowledge she had heard anything I would say. When she had to get a message to me, she would tell my H "Can you tell her that..." while I was standing right next to her. I would reply, and she would tell my H, "can you answer her this..." I'm sorry, are we five years old again?

She also spreads rumors about me that aren't true. We didn't mail out her wedding invitation, because we were going to give it to her in person when we saw her that week-end. Her best friend got her invitation on Thursday. Friday, we hear that she's been telling everyone she's not invited to her little baby's wedding, and that I'm a b****. We had discussed wedding plans with her, she knew she was expected to be the wedding.

When I gave birth, after 40 hours of labor, she showed up at the  hospital for EIGHT hours, and refused to leave when I told her I needed to rest. She then got mad at me when she took H down to the cafeteria for a long supper, and I called him up when the nurse came, because I needed his help. She said I was being selfish. The nurse had asked I call...

britbratjf

ALou9785 said:

Honestly, it sounds like you have a H problem, which is causing an IL problem.  Your H needs to tell them bluntly and curtly that you won't be visiting their home any longer if they can't be conscientious of LO's very serious allergies.  Invite them over to an egg and nut free dinner, then the ball's in their court. 

This. It shouldn't be on you to enforce this when it's his parents. He needs to lay down the law with them.

apollonia10

That sounds so, so frustrating! I'm sorry you have to deal with that behavior, especially because it puts your child's health at risk. 

The best advice I have is to have your DH deal with it. We try to always deal with our own people, so if my mom is being annoying, I deal with her. If BIL is being an ass, DH deals with him. It's very easy for ILs to blame the significant other for drawing boundaries, because their child would NEVER EVER say that to them. So prove them wrong and have DH run in and move the nuts.

Also, I'd have one of them (if not both) come with you to an appointment with the allergist, who can explain the risks of egg and nut exposure. 

ETA: After reading other replies and your updates, I agree - this is on your DH. You shouldn't have to get her out of the hospital after 8 hours, your DH needs to do that. Let her get pissed at him.

Barefoot84

ALou9785 said:

Honestly, it sounds like you have a H problem, which is causing an IL problem.  Your H needs to tell them bluntly and curtly that you won't be visiting their home any longer if they can't be conscientious of LO's very serious allergies.  Invite them over to an egg and nut free dinner, then the ball's in their court. 

H could talk to them, and has tried to. However, they just get mad and refuse to talk to us till we try to mend things. He loves his parents, and I don't want to stop him from seeing them.

I would invite them over, but his brother doesn't want to come here because I won't let them smoke in the appartment, and him, SIL and MIL smoke all the time. So whenever there's a family gathering, it can't be here. I'm preparing the supper on Sunday, but we're bringing everything over to his brother's house to cook it, because FIL said it was unreasonable to expect MIL to make the meal for Mother's Day.

britbratjf

Yup after reading the bitch comment hands down your H needs to step up to the plate. And no way in hell would my H allow his mother to come to my house and then ignore me. Your MIL sounds like hell but your H isn't helping matters - he's making it worse by not standing up to her.

Barefoot84

My H is far from perfect, but he would talk to them if it was at all possible. But his mother doesn't react well to being criticized, and she'd just stop talking to us. She missed the whole first year of her grandson's life because she was mad at H's brother. SIL finally gave up, called and try to smooth things out. H actually has two brothers, but his parents always say they have two kids and always forget the older brother because they haven't talked to him in so long. I would be fine with cutting them out, but H really does love them, and finds it difficult whenever they stop talking to us.

I think they're just special snowflakes, and maybe all the effort on my part couldn't fix this relationship. I keep putting up with them for my H's sake, because he's always disappointed (but understanding) when I tell him I won't be going with him to see them. To be fair, most of the time he goes to see them, I stay home. I make an effort on special occasions, but that's it.

aylafsu88

Honestly, I think your IL's have some real issues. It is one thing to give a kid candy or a treat but it is another to possibly put her in a dangerous situation by giving her food she is allergic to. I am sorry but I draw the line on that one. If your child could have a serious allergic reaction and possibly die, your IL's need to be more aware and respect the food boundaries.
It also sounds like your H is allowing them to walk all over you. It is ridiculous that three grown adults cannot go outside to smoke if you have dinner at your house. It is ridiculous that you have to cook and carry a meal over to someone elses house.
I know that you want to mend fences and get along but it has to be a two way street. Your IL's have to be willing to try and want a good relationship as well.

nesenotes

She sounds like a BSC lunatic. What the fuck? Honestly it is your H's job to handle his family. With that being said MH also doesn't like confrontation and never said anything to MIL about the bangs incident. So I will never again leave it in his hands to defend myself or my daughter. I have communicated this to him though and he knows full well that if I attack/defend myself, he will shut it and be on my side.

My MIL is also a habitual line crosser that feels her way is best. The way I have since been handling her is by being firm yet polite. I don't give her an inch. I think she senses I'm not playing because she hasn't tried me since the bangs incident. Well except when she said she didn't like the new baby's potential name, to which I simply replied I didn't ask for her opinion

nesenotes

I also will add that I get where you are coming from with still needing to see them and have meals and such. Even if I hated MIL with the fire of a thousand sun's DH would not stand for us not seeing them. He just wont. The day I say that she is not allowed over or I won't go there would be the day our relationship is over. But i also know that about him so I would just not put him in that position. That does not mean you have to be a doormat. I am far from a doormat. You can still stand up for yourself and your daughter. She will probably keep testing you and you can still stand firm. There is nothing wrong with that. You don't have to cus her out, but you do need to keep fighting for yourself.

And big hugs because I'm frustrated for you.

apollonia10

I know where you're coming from. DH's parents are similar and will cut people out, including us, over the slightest perceived insult. And before we had kids, we bent over backwards to make sure that they wouldn't get mad at us because it was important to DH to see his parents regularly.

But once we had DS, things changed and our priority became our kid. There has been behavior from their side that could potentially put DS in danger, and DH had to step up and set it right. And they have cut us out, and it's very painful for DH. But I am so proud of him for standing up for his family, and he knows that he has done the right thing. Now when we do see them, he sees them for who they are - small, angry people who would rather stop speaking to their son than face their own behavior.

It sounds like you guys are doing a lot of bending over backwards right now, when you mention the smoking and the cooking on Mother's Day and the nuts and everything. But honestly, whether your DH has the conversation with them or not, there will probably be a falling out in the years to come, because people like that are always looking for a fight. They enjoy feeling victimized. Can't you hear your MIL telling her friends "And then they wouldn't even let my granddaughter eat the creme brulee I made for her!! Can you believe it?"

It might be about something else your MIL has baked, or something your DD says, or anything else - but it will eventually happen. My advice is to take control and set the boundaries now, because it is blindsiding when they decide to cut you out over nothing.

zyas

oh my goodness, what a nightmare. I am getting so angry with them from everything I just read. I don't have any advice to add that hasn't already been suggested but I just wanted to wish you good luck. My mom had inlaws from hell too (my grandmother is still alive and still continues to stress both my parents out on a daily basis), and it came to a point where my mom had to stop talking to them for awhile and she stopped visiting too. 

I sure hope your H is able to knock some sense into them. 

bumpuser1509193

I think it is perfectly acceptable to cut off ties with someone who is trying to kill my child. Stay home and eat the dinner you had planned on cooking for mother's day.

Barefoot84

Thanks everyone for your support and your advice. Like nesenotes, I think it would hurt my relationship with my H if I refused to see his parents, and he would never accept that I ask him not to see them. However, like nesenotes also said, it doesn't mean I have to be a doormat, which is basically what I've been, because I hate confrontations and upsetting people.

I'm going to start taking a firmer stand for the things that are really important to me. H will talk to them again about the allergy issue, and make sure that we'll be taking a zero tolerance approach to any related situation. If peanuts are within her reach, we leave; same if they try to feed her something with eggs/nuts.

I also told H that we could have supper there, and I didn't mind preparing the food (plus side of this is I can make the meal of my choice, including the dessert), but I wanted to go out for a lunch picnic just the three of us. At least I'll still get my special moment during the day.

lkamenko

I don't understand how people can put their granddaughter at risk. Your h needs to have a long and firm talk on the subject and explain that allergy is no joke. I agree with pp that you should stick to your rules on that matter.
I would suggest meeting them at your house so you can control what you eat. Also for the future may be you can go to the zoo or theater with them and Tamiami so they would feel more included in your life. To mend relationship both side should be open to the change... From what you described your inlaws don't want to make any effort in the right direction.

bumpuser1509193

I would just keep my kid at home, your husband is free to visit his parents' house as much as he would like, its not like you are joined at the hip , and keep interactions with LO limited to public places  since their habitat is clearly dangerous to LO's health and well being.