HELP, I really need some advice from Mom's of boys!

GAPeachTTC

We have two adopted children (Boy, 4 and Girl, 2) and one Foster Child (Boy, will be 4 next month). We have had our Foster Child for 2+ years now. It's a long story, but his case is still tied up in the court system. I think his case will be coming to a close soon, though.

My oldest son is in the Autism Spectrum. He receives 44 hours a week of ABA, Speech and OT Therapy. All three children attend pre-school for half a day 5 days a week. My daughter is fine, but my Foster Child has always had some issues with seeking negative attention, and really feels the need to constantly be the center of attention in general. He is frankly jealous of my Autistic Son and all of the therapy he does. It seems like my son constantly has people coming to play with him. I would really like to hire a Nanny, but I can't because my one son is still a Foster Child. If I had a Nanny it would free me up to take him more places and enroll him in sports and such.

Lately, my Foster Son has REALLY begun acting out in pre-school (hitting, pushing, spitting, not listening to the teacher...) it seems to be getting progressively worse. We have tried to give him an incentive to be nice at school with special treats at home. Last week I took him to Chik Fil A (his favorite), because he managed to have 1 good day out of 5. I let him have chicken, ice cream and let him play for a hour and a half in the kids area. Today when I dropped him off, we went over what it means to be "sweet and nice to our friends and teacher". He promised me he was going to have a great day. He did not have a great day... I am worried that he's going to be kicked out of school, and frankly I think about what he will be like at 13 if I can't find a way to get through to him. We already have a lot on our plate with my Autistic Son, sometimes I think it might be better for him and us if we ask for my Foster Son to be moved. I also feel guilty though since we're the only family he knows. He was 18 months when we got him. Is any of this behavior typical for a 4 year old boy??

Thanks for reading, and any input you might have!

fernane

Behaviors can manifest at any age in children who have been victims of abuse/trauma, so I wouldn't say it's strange. Does he receive any therapies/counseling? If not, I would ask his worker for it. He may just be struggling with emotions or identity and it may help for him to have some individual counseling. Did you say that you can't hire a nanny bc of your foster son? I would double check with your state and agency requirements, because we can have other caregivers for our kids, they just have to submit to and have approved background check and finger prints. I would talk extensively to your agency worker and the caseworker and exhaust all available resources before making a decision to have him moved. Hopefully they can offer some good resources to help with behaviors, therapies, childcare, etc. and if you have available respite days use them! You need a break once in a while.

GAPeachTTC

ECI came out and tested him, and determined he had no issues including behavioral. As a result, they said we would have to pay for any further testing and/or therapy out of pocket. My other son's therapy costs are astronomical so we just cannot afford to do this at this time. I was told I could put my Foster Son in state approved daycare 5 days a week if I worked a minimum of 40 hours a week, which I don't. I also don't think daycare would be beneficial. 

GAPeachTTC

Thank you for your response! It's just so frustrating, because I've tried every positive reinforcement I can think of to encourage him to be nice at school. I've asked him if his classmates are nice to him, and I keep trying to get him to tell me if he feels angry or sad, but he just can't verbalize his feelings. It's not that we want to have him placed in another home, but I have to take into account if his needs are being met in our home. I guess the reason we keep hanging on is that I honestly feel if I could hire a Nanny and free up some of my time to get my Foster Son in more activities, he would be happier. I never thought his case would drag out for over 2 years, especially since both of his parents had terminated their rights!

I spoke with our FAD Worker this evening, and asked her to look into ANY therapy the state might cover.

Dr.Loretta

I don't necessarily see this as a boy thing, or even necessarily a foster care thing, though both may be factors at play here. 4 is a tough age, especially for boys. My SIL calls them the F-ing 4s. Throw in the fact that 1) he may have trauma or other issues from foster care and 2) he is competing with someone his own age for attention, and you can have a recipe for disaster. But your daughter may get a bit older and feel the same way at that age, due to the amount of time and energy you are putting into your other son's therapy. I agree with the pp that I'm wondering what the purpose of the nanny will be. Who is she there to care for?

The other posters have direct experience with foster care, so I'll defer to them in suggestions for help.

irismorning

You may have already done this, but before you do anything else, I would observe his classroom. My youngest went through a phase where I honestly thought that he was going to get kicked out of preschool as well. I was baffled at his behaviors because, while he is a strong willed child, he has always been manageable at home, church etc. Once I observed the classroom (without them knowing I was coming) I realized that it was an issue with his personality type and the classroom dynamics. The entire class was out of control. I had another teacher in the building pull me aside and tell me that the teachers in his class (3 year old room) never had control of the class, they called me because I would come. I pulled him from that preschool and placed him elsewhere. He is now in the 1st grade and since being pulled from that school has never been sent to the principle's office again. In fact he is extremely well behaved at school. He is a 6 year old boy and therefore has his off days, not nothing that is not normal. 

I am not saying that this is the only issue by any means, I know that you have a lot going on with sibling rivalry as well. His being jealous of your other son is completely understandable. Sibling stuff is hard for all children. I think that you need to make sure that you take time to just do things with him. Can you hire a babysitter one night a week for your other two and take him to soccer practice or something? I also agree with pp that you should press for a second opinion and see if you can get him into counseling, play therapy, etc.

JoyfulJuly

Two questions: 

1) What happens immediately before he acts out?

   *His teacher needs to begin documenting these antecedents

2) What is he gaining or avoiding with each episode?

These are the key questions which need to be answered before trying to change his behavior. Feel free to private message me if you need help sifting through possibilities or implementing a behavior plan.