Telling my BFF who cannot get pregnant...

EmuTavi · May 2014

Well today is the day. She is my best friend and I don't want her to start suspecting things before I tell her so I'm telling her today. She and her husband when through IUI (her hubby doesn't believe in IVF - long story and drama), 4 rounds, and called it quits. I know it's going to be difficult for her and I just wish I could spare her any pain she is going to feel when I tell her. If you all could send some T&P for both of us I would be greatly appreciative.

MaineMama · May 2014

That's a super hard position to be it, on both sides! I'll be thinking of you both.

AnonnAni · May 2014

All of my friends children are older than mine though I was TTC the longest so I have been the friend told they would never concieve. Its a tough position to be in that you try to handle with grace but it weighs on a person so I'd advise being as sensitive as possible. It sucks to say please dont flaunt your joy since it is a joy to be pregnant! BUT please rememeber thats a joy your friend may never know, and its something that she is going to be reminded of every time she sees you through the whole pregnancy as well as after. Not saying you can never share your joys but its not something I would suggest approaching so exuberant when telling your friend the first time. And maybe every once in a while check in with her, even if for a "Time out" moment where she can vent to you about it if she is having a tougher time with it during aparticular time (mothers day, holidays etc, those are HARD for woman that cant/ or have yet to concieve). No doubt your friend, because she IS you friend will be happy for you, but its a HARD situation to be on the other end of and not feel inadequate :-/ as much as you need her support through your pregancy she needs support from you as well.

orange1414 · May 2014

I hope it goes well. Speaking as someone who has been the recipient of this kind of news, please give your friend time and space to grieve and cry about how unfair life is before she can be happy for you. And please give her a plausible out for the shower when the time comes. Thank you for being so thoughtful.

ttuprincess · May 2014

orange1414 said:

I hope it goes well. Speaking as someone who has been the recipient of this kind of news, please give your friend time and space to grieve and cry about how unfair life is before she can be happy for you. And please give her a plausible out for the shower when the time comes. Thank you for being so thoughtful.

This exactly. I would say to just be prepared for her to have a negative reaction to your news. It doesn't mean she is not happy for you, it just means she has very strong feelings of sadness for what she is missing. Good luck!

Duckie419 · May 2014

I hope it goes well--T&P's for you both.

lionyloo32 · May 2014

I will soon be in the same position. And I can't even imagine how to have the conversation. My friend and her H have spent well over $50K and have tried everything. To make matters worse, just last month I was crying with her because a fertility dr told my H and I we would likely not have children without using donor eggs and IVF. I found out the following week that I was already expecting (on our own). I have no clue how to tell her and I know she'll be checking in to see how I'm doing soon. My heart is breaking just thinking about it.

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kz's_girlygirl · May 2014

I would consider telling her over email. I know that sounds impersonal, but it will give her the space to react honestly before she puts on her happy face for you. She will be happy for you, but she may also be very sad for herself, and balancing those two emotions when you are on the spot it extremely difficult. Also, even though she is your best friend, test the waters before talking anything pregnancy related with her and avoid complaining as much as possible. She may want to hear all about your symptoms etc., but she may also be very uncomfortable with it.

I appreciate it immensely when people told/tell me pregnancy news over email.

jayellekay · May 2014

I had to tell a good friend this weekend. She is 41, and has tried every fertility treatment under the sun, and finally called it quits last year. There will be no biological children in her future. Adoption, maybe. But anyway, I had to tell her, because we are going to Vegas together in July, and now our trip will be a little different. No drinking all day long...booooo. I felt really bad, but I just told her, and I could tell she was genuinely happy for me.

EmuTavi · May 2014

thank you to everyone for the advice. I told her in person because she is the type of person who would kick my ass for wimping out and emailing or texting. I emailed her ahead of time and asked her to meet in my classroom before she left for the day (it's very cut off from everyone). She told me afterward that she assumed by the email I was either pregnant or found out my placement for next year. She was happy for me and I took everyone's advice. I let her ask the questions and didn't give much more unless it felt right. Avoiding complaining. I also told her I know things might be difficult and if I'm being an ass to smack me (we've had some coworkers who were very insensitive to her, saying "I just had to lay there" and similar). Again, thank you for all of the advice, I got choked up with the kind words and helpful advice. It is time like his that I thank goodness for The Bump Boards.