advice on coping with other's pregnancy

sherrimspires

We've been trying to get pregnant since 2011 and are on our second round of follistim.  I have a friend who is currently pregnant (after IUI)....I really need advice on how to be more graceful in coping. I am so excited for her & want her to know and feel that...and some days, I feel like my sadness is so overwhelming that I'm not a good friend.  Does anyone have any feedback how to deal with this?

wcasar

Have a cocktail... kidding, sortof. I try not to think of all the issues I'm having and be happy for your friend. Especially if she had issues TTC as well. But be open and explain that there will be days when you need to step away and there will be times that you are happy and supportive. Depends on where you are at in your process or if you get a BFN. Good luck. And always remember you can vent away on here. We are all going through this together.

SnowFlake84

I just dealt with a pregnant sister-in-law.. although we're not good friends. She was totally insensitive and made it tough for me, so hopefully your friend, coming from an IF background, will be more sensitive.

jjgrl55

Man, if you ever figure out a way to cope well with other's pregnancies, please bottle it and send me some! I agree with PPs that if she has a IF background she will hopefully be more sensitive. But, seriously, this IF thing would be almost easy to handle if it wasn't for all those other pregnant women around us.

Eh, who am I kidding? IF sucks no matter what.

sherrimspires

Thanks all.... I'm just having a really hard time. And then I analyze everything I say or do and feel like I should apologize everyday. She understands what I'm going through and she is amazingly graceful with me. I just wish I could return that. This is the happiest time of her life and I don't want her to feel the pain that I know I'm emitting.

BunnyBerry

I'm so sorry about your situation. It sounds like your friend understands that your pain for yourself is separate from your happiness for you. Probably if you had gotten pregnant first while she was still undergoing IUIs, she would have struggled with the same feelings - it sounds like she appreciates that.

You're not a mean person!! The part that works best for me is avoid comparing by noticing all the things about their baby that makes them "theirs" so I get the feeling that it's not even representing a baby I would want, haha! Good luck.

Danielle0311

I totally understand your feelings. I think you need to make sure you are putting yourself first and cutting yourself a break when you feel this way. IF is a terrible struggle and you are allowed to have good and bad days. It sounds like your friend understands and that is truly a blessing! Just do the best you can and take it one day at a time.

wishiwaspreggo

I have a friend who is pregnant and is being completely insensitive about it, posting boastful things on Facebook, talking about it constantly, and it feels like she's rubbing it in my face.  But she's generally a very insensitive person so I'm trying not to take it personally.  TBH, I've just stopped engaging with her.  I hid her on Facebook and I ignore the things she says in our group conversations (we have this ongoing FB conversation that started like, a year ago, and it's how we keep in touch with our long distance friends).  When I want to know how she's doing I'll look at her page or read through the conversation to the parts where she was talking about it.  I just make sure all this happens on MY terms when I feel okay with it.  I don't know how close this friend is to you, but you can ask her to just not talk about it unless you bring it up.  If she struggled with IF she should understand.  Take care of yourself - that's what's most important!

nswain85

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this Try to just be yourself and know that somedays you aren't going to be ok with it and that maybe you should take a step back. With having gone through it herself, I am sure your friend will understand and relate to what you're feeling. Maybe you could make it a point to talk to her and say that you are really very happy for her but sad about what you're still working through and may need some space at times but not to take it personal. I think that sounds hard but maybe it would help make things clear for her and help her to know how you're doing. Best of luck!

CandaceC1020

Just be honest with her.  If she has gone through IF treatments, then hopefully she will understand what you're going through.  If she's a good friend, she will try her hardest to understand. 

I was honest with my friends.  I told them that I was incredibly happy for them, but that inside I was sad about my situation.  I explained that I'll be as supportive as I can be, but that there may be days when I can't come out and do baby things because of the IF struggle.  I was lucky, my friends tried their hardest to understand. 

sherrimspires

Thanks everyone. This friend is wonderful and incredibly sensitive to what I'm going through. I just wish there was more that I could do- like a magic fix that would make me always thrilled and happy around her. I don't like feeling down, especially when it's such a happy time for her... Think I will take the advice to eventually talk with her about it.

Kthorstad

I've been struggling with this as well. One of my friends on facebook knows that we are struggling and I talked to her about my troubles before she decided to even try. She expressed how upset she would be if they had difficulties and got pregnant right away. Now all she can post about is how much pregnancy sucks. I want to tell her that I wish I was in her shoes but I don't want to be rude either. We've been trying for over a year and every time I see a new pregnancy announcement it hurts a little. I know how you're feeling.

mindaa

Sounds like you are being unnecessarily hard on yourself - like you and friend have good communication and are both being sensitive to each other. 

If it's really important to you to "feel" excited... there's always some truth to the saying "fake it til' you make it." Make an effort to tell yourself you're excited and talk to her like you're thrilled... and maybe the feeling will following.