Struggling...

daydreamer34254

Hi Girls, 

I'm really struggling over here, and am hoping that I can get some advice. Logically, I can see what's going on - I'm still grieving (IVF #3 = BFN last week). In my head, I see that the best move for us in every respect is egg donation. But my heart is miles behind. I know I need to give myself time... but it hurts going through this, and right now I feel like I'm stuck and it's never going to end. 

How did you work through the emotional side and come to a place of acceptance with 3PR? How long did it take you to get to the point you're at today? Are there any bloggers out there who blogged throughout their journey? I know it's so different for everyone... but right now I'm just feeling so lost and alone.

Twinkie0612

First, you are not alone. ((hugs))

I think it was different for me since we began considering third party reproduction after IVF #2. We had already began weighing options on how to move forward when my RE came up with a plan for IVF #3. We always knew that IVF #3 was our last cycle with my eggs. I had 3 months (November -February) to come to terms with moving on from OE. Even with that time, it was still hard to close that chapter when the time came. My donor embryo consult was in March and even then I don't know if I had completely accepted it. I think I didn't actually get excited about our donor embryo cycle until we picked our donors, it was like it clicked and I realized that one or more of these 9 snowflakes could finally be our take home baby(ies).

I think the other thing that helped me was that I had always been interested in embryo adoption/donor embryos and DH and I had even discussed donating any extra embryos we may have (back when I thought we would do 1 IVF and end up with more embryos than we would ever need, Ha!). I guess it sort of felt like a sign that this was the direction we were supposed to take. I felt that way about our donor couple too. Both DH and I were drawn to this profile. They just felt like these were "our" embryos.

lincoln79

hugs. I am sorry you are struggling!

***losses and pregnancy mentioned***

as for me, I am still working through the emotional implications of another woman giving birth to our child. if i have learned anything through this process, it is that grief is not linear. it gets better for a while, then it jumps up and bites me at unpredictable moments. 

mh and i sat down with an infertility counselor after our third loss and when we were considering using a gestational carrier. it was extremely helpful if for no other reason that is assured me that our grief was healthy and we were working through it appropriately. i highly suggest it. we have also had marital counseling on and off (when we felt we needed it) over our entire struggle with infertility with our pastors. 

my advice: give yourselves some grace (it's ok to be sad, struggling, need some more time etc.), and find good support (counseling, religious support, whatever helps you).

We are here to support you!

sammer818

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I don't know that you ever really "get over" it..sometimes I think I'm more at a point of resignation than acceptance. We are using a gestational carrier and I still feel the anger and the bitterness and the sadness over everything that I don't get to experience and the long and painful journey we've been though.

It took a long time for me to come around to the idea of using third party (about 6 months, I think) but I think the first thing you need to do is accept that you need help starting a family. Once DH and I decided that we couldn't do it on our own, it was easier to accept and weigh the options out there for someone in our situation. 

You really just need to take things one day at a time...grieve the bfn you got for as long as you need to and when you aren't feeling quite so angry/sad/bitter/hurt/everything you are feeling about it, then start to consider this question: are you more concerned on the "how" and "what" your future child will be or are you more concerned with loving whatever family you have? Like I said, it's a long hard process and it definitely won't happen overnight, but when you are truly ready to consider your options and you aren't being driven by the painful emotions that go along with a bfn, I encourage you to really try to look at it from a different perspective and see if that can't help your heart come to the same place as where you brain is about this journey. 

liz4paws

Biggest hugs. Realizing you aren't going to have genetic children is a real loss, and to me it was a  death of sorts. And it definitely comes with grief. When I had to let go of the reality of a genetic child, I literally felt like I was burying this child that I had dreamed of my whole life. This child I had to bury had my eyes mixed with my husbands ears, my chin, etc. That child was gone forever. And it was certainly hard.

However, after working through that grief, I can tell you it not only gets easier, but for me I have embraced it and I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. I know that's not the norm, but it can happen. I am so grateful that the genetic door closed for us because it opened another door that was the right one for us all along.

One thing that helped me feel better was the concept of epigenetics. If you haven't heard of it, definitely look into it. It's the idea that not everything about a child is determined by their DNA alone. SO much is influenced by gestation in the mother's womb. And the best analogy I like to think of is that DNA is simply a blueprint of a house. The framing, the plumbing, the décor - EVERYTHING else is built of the mother's own flesh and blood just following those blueprints. The baby you grow in your belly will be such a part of you regardless of the DNA. I hope that sentiment helps you, it certainly did me. *hug*

***PAIF/losses mentioned*****

I do blog at www.wishingonasnowflake.com however just a warning, I am now expecting our first baby through embryo adoption after two losses. I have a couple of posts earlier on where I talk about the grief of losing the genetic connection.

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brooklynesque

****ticker****

It definitely takes time to accept. On a concrete level, what helped me and especially my husband (who was more resistant to the concept of DE than I was) was actually looking through donor profiles and seeing that there were potential donors that we could actually envision ourselves using. Then it became more of an exciting quest and less sheer disappointment.

daydreamer34254

Thank you so much, ladies, for saying all of the above. @liz4paws, thank you for referencing your blog. I've been blog stalking you for quite some time. You are quite the inspiration, and the information in your DE/DA tab is so valuable. I'll go back and reread some of your earlier posts... thanks for reminding me!

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