Advice Needed (friend's loss mentioned) — The Bump
LGBT Parenting

Advice Needed (friend's loss mentioned)

I have a friend that was two weeks behind me in her own pregnancy. However last week they discovered there was no heartbeat. She's obviously reeling right now and trying to process. I have no idea how to be there for her. I worry that my presence may serve as a reminder rather than a comfort. 

I thought of sending a gift card so she can treat herself, or simply send money with another friend of ours to treat her when they go out (she's wanting a girls drinking night out with some college friends). 

I want her to know that I care without seeming condescending or making it worse. I have a magical ability to put my foot in my mouth. 

Any suggestions?  
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Re: Advice Needed (friend's loss mentioned)

  • Honestly, I don't think you need to send her anything in terms of a gift.

    The best thing in the world people did for me when we lost our baby was called me up and talked to me about it. For me, hearing from my pregnant friends was just fine, in fact, I felt they had a better sense of my experience since they were deep in it.

    I called a IRL TB friend I'd made to tell her, and she said "I'm coming over right now" and showed up 15 minutes later with coffees, and just talked to me. And let me talk. And we were due the same week. It was fine, for me, I just wanted people to recognize he was very, very real, and the loss was very, very real.

    A call, email, card, whatever feels best to you just acknowledging her baby was very real, her loss is valid and real, will go a long way IMHO. We're all different - but that is my take. What I didn't want was for my pregnant friends to disappear or not acknowledge my loss.
    Lil'mamaz was born on Aug 21, 2014! She's PERFECT!

    It's been a long road to here...
    Me (43) and J (45) - same sex couple. And we don't feel 40+!
    June'12 - First RE Visit
    Sept. '12 - Tubes removed
    Dec. '12 - Donor Egg/Donor Sperm IVF Cycle - 4 good embies!
    Dec. '12 - Fresh transfer, BFP! EDD 8/29/13
    Mar. '13 - Missed m/c at 16w1d, baby boy stopped growing at 15w4d
    Loss due to umbilical cord was perfect. :(
    Jul '13 - FET#1 - c/p
    Sept. '13 - FET#2 - BFN
    Dec.' 2, 2013 - FET#3 with our last chance embie - BFP!!!
    Dec' 26, 2013 - hb!!
    EDD 8/20/14 with a baby girl!
    Little S was born on 8/21/14 - 8lb, 14 oz and 20 inches long.
    We live in Seattle and used SRM for our donor egg IVF cycle


  • @2mamazinseattle I really appreciate your input.  I certainly want to acknowledge her and her baby. 

    Thanks for helping me figure out the best way. 
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  • What everyone said -- be there and listen.  Be compassionate, but don't try to say too much.

    As for gifts, I wouldn't necessarily give one, but you never know.  I gained weight during IVF and my short first pregnancy, and afterward a lot of my clothes didn't fit.  It wasn't a huge deal but it added insult to injury.  I complained about this to my closest friend, who loves clothes and shopping, and she went online and ordered me a new shirt and had it sent to my house.  I cried when I got it.  It meant a lot that she was listening and doing what she could to help.
    Married my wife 8/2007 ~ TTC #1 since 7/2011
    9 IUIs = 9 BFNs
    IVF October 2012: 22 eggs retrieved, 17 fertilized, 5 frozen
    ET #1: 1 blast = BFP; Blighted ovum discovered at 7w5d; D&E
    FET #1: 1 blast = BFP; Missed m/c discovered at 9w5d; D&E
    Karyotyping: normal ~ RPL Testing: normal ~ Hysteroscopy: normal
    FET #2: 1 blast transferred 10/25; BFP 10/31!
    EDD 7/13/14 ~ Induced at 37w4d due to pre-eclampsia ~ Born on 6/28/14
    *Everyone welcome*

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  • If you would like to provide a gift of some sort, I was super appreciative of receiving food after I experienced my loss. We were devastated and cooking was the last thing on our minds.

    Then, when I was pregnant for the second time, I had a very good friend experience her third miscarriage. Part of what I did when I reached out is let her know that I understood if she needed space (knowing that I did find it difficult to be around pregnant people after my loss) and that most of all I wanted her to do what she needed to do to take care of herself.

    That's really all you can do in these situations - offer love and support and compassion. You sound like a good friend.
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  • pauljlpauljl member
    Thanks @jrtmom, @crazyaunt84, @ball.and.chain, and @ATXmommas. I really appreciate your wise words! 

    I think my brain went straight to "gift" because I want to "fix" her hurt- and I know it isn't "fix-able". Something tangible, like a gift, was the easiest go-to. It would (selfishly) make me feel better by doing something.  

    I really appreciate you guys helping me see that the non tangible things will mean the most. I'm gathering my courage and trying my best to choose my words very delicately to offer support- but also space if she prefers it. 
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  • After my loss it was hard for me to be around other babies or pregnant people but my best friend who recently had a baby was there for support but made a conscious effort to not mention her son unless I brought him up.  And like PP said it was nice talking to someone who had a baby because she understood how truly difficult it would have been to loose him.  A listening ear and a "I'm sorry for your loss" goes a long way. 

    Me: 30  DP: 30


    IUI#1 9/26/13 BFN

    IUI#2 10/26/13 BFP beta #1 99 #2 456

    2/20/2014 Brynlee Madeline is taken too soon at 19weeks she was perfect

    IUI#3 6/10/14 BFP beta #1 276 beta #2 722 20w A/S shows we are having a girl




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