Does it ever feel .......

BrittianyM

Does it ever feel like people expect you to be doing worse than you currently are? Sometimes I get that feeling. It makes me feel awful, like I am not mourning enough. They don't see me at home when it hits the hardest, they don't see the moments when I can't breathe or even want too. Time has gone by and you learn how to live with the pain. It never goes away though.

I contiune to live because I have no other choice. I wish my heart had stopped beating the same day as my daughter's but it didn't. I don't know how it didn't, but it didn't. I continue to live for my daughter! As long as I am alive she will be in part. There is a part of her in me. I will always make sure people remember her!
 
Brooke's angelversary is coming up fast, May 9th. I can't believe its about to be a year since I last held my little girl. We are taking the day off of work and going to my parent's farm. There we will release 12 Painted Lady butterflies in honor of her. Symbolic of her taking her first flight with her newly earned wings. I hope we will make it through that. Just another thing other people will not see.

Noethola

It is hard when people place the burden of grief on us according to their expectations. Everyone experiences it so very differently, you cannot compare one to another. Big hugs to you as the day approaches! You are a wonderful mother to your daughter.

BrittianyM

Noethola, Thank you!

mingaling2

@Noethola said it perfectly - you grieve at your own pace, with no mile markers for anyone to determine.

GymSpaz26

I get so torn or stuck sometimes. There are some people that are amazed at how well I am doing when they see me doing one little tiny thing, like it is a huge accomplishment and they can't believe how functional I am. They think I'm doing so well. And then there are the people who act like why am I not back to 100% yet. Why am I still not doing everything. 

I think I have the same crisis with myself sometimes. Sunday our boy would have been 6 months old and this Thursday will be the 6 month anniversary of his death. Sometimes I feel like it has been a second, that no time at all has passed. I feel like it is so fresh and raw and unbelievable. But then there are other times that feel like an eternity has gone by.

BrittianyM

mingaling2, Thank you!

BrittianyM

GymSpaz26, That is exactly how I feel. Someone just told me that I am doing better than they would be if it were them. I was thinking to myself, how would you know? How do you know I am doing well?

ikrystal

Yes, I know that feeling you are talking about.  Sometimes, if I am smiling or laughing, I often think that people assume that I have "moved on" because it seems like I am happy.  Or, they wonder what I could possibly be happy about - and then I start to assume that they think I don't love my boys enough, which is why I'm laughing at something.  For instance, we did the MOD March for Babies in honor of Conner and Ben on Sunday.  We had a good time with our friends but then I freaked out thinking that no one thought I was mourning or grieving enough.  It is such a balancing act and it is exhausting.  You are not alone in your feelings about this. 

bunnybun4

sometimes I wish I could tell people about how I spent the weekend crying and how some days I literally want to crawl in a hole and stay there for a few months.  it makes me cringe when people who don't really know proclaim how well I am doing and that they don't know if they would be able to handle what I've been though.  I handle it because it's my life...I have to.

sorry you are feeling frustrated.  It's good to see you back around...hope you are doing ok.  Thinking about you and brooke.

BrittianyM

marylaurena, Thank you! I haven't been around in a while b/c I just needed a break from all my groups and FB. Hope you are doing ok also. 

BrittianyM

ikrystal & @aragosta,
thank you ladies

schulme2

Oh I so know what you mean! Some days I think the same about myself, "wow, you're doing better than I thought." Then I feel guilty like oh my goodness, I haven't cried in a couple days. You're right though, the pain is always there... I think we just get better at finding room for it.

nohalo21

There definitely is a huge range of emotions. I also find myself feeling guilty at times. Then there are times that I just want to stay in bed and cry my heart out. I'm great at putting a front up and not showing how I truly feel.

I think you have a beautiful tribute planned for your angel. Will be thinking of you during this time.

Jellybean71514

@aragosta‌ - I too have started to do this and feel the same way 'don't ask if you really don't want to know' .....I've been feeling that with all the people calling and texting asking how I'm doing I owe them a honest reply so I tell them I'm not doing well but pushing thru each day- this is all so hard and I don't feel I need to play it down anymore for anyone that asks - I'm not ok but I am trying to be and that's my life right now. Xo

Jellybean71514

I also want to add that I also feel like people don't see me when I'm home still in bed or on the couch sobbing all week, they see me out and functioning so they think I'm doing well or 'getting over it' .....I cry more when I think about the chain of events that day and about my little boy in general and I cry the least when I put it out of my head and then I feel guilty for trying to forget for a minute just to get a emotional break- I am right now dreading Mother's Day - I don't want to do anything but my Mom expects me to go to brunch - I hate to tell her I can't do it so I'm going to try but dreading it right now ....I really am not up to being out in public with a bunch of mothers and their kids - xo

stefuge

BrittianyM said:

GymSpaz26, That is exactly how I feel. Someone just told me that I am doing better than they would be if it were them. I was thinking to myself, how would you know? How do you know I am doing well?

I totally agree with this - you have no idea what I am going through, so just let me be! BrittianyM - I think your butterfly release sounds lovely and Brooke will love it! I've been thinking of you and glad to see you back.

lexusolsen

Jellybean71514 said:

I also want to add that I also feel like people don't see me when I'm home still in bed or on the couch sobbing all week, they see me out and functioning so they think I'm doing well or 'getting over it' .....I cry more when I think about the chain of events that day and about my little boy in general and I cry the least when I put it out of my head and then I feel guilty for trying to forget for a minute just to get a emotional break- I am right now dreading Mother's Day - I don't want to do anything but my Mom expects me to go to brunch - I hate to tell her I can't do it so I'm going to try but dreading it right now ....I really am not up to being out in public with a bunch of mothers and their kids - xo

Can you host brunch instead? Or maybe go the week before or the week after? I know it can be difficult for me to be in places where everyone else appears to have healthy children. I hope your mom understands and you are able to come up with a workable solution.

Jellybean71514

@lexusolsen‌ - I'm debating asking to meet them at their house afterwards for coffee- my brother and his family are also going so I don't want to ruin the day for all moms - I'm also in the middle of moving so hosting wouldn't work- my house is a major mess right now! Xo

lexusolsen

Jellybean71514 said:

@lexusolsen‌ - I'm debating asking to meet them at their house afterwards for coffee- my brother and his family are also going so I don't want to ruin the day for all moms - I'm also in the middle of moving so hosting wouldn't work- my house is a major mess right now! Xo

Gotcha! I hope you guys figure something out.

MrsLaurenandDan

I agree. I also feel like in the beginning I got "you're so strong" and now it's "why are you still grieving?" I loved this post about the path of grief. https://losinglucyandfindinghope.wordpress.com/2014/04/25/what-i-thought-grief-would-look-like/

LyndseyTS

@MrsLaurenandDan‌ That post is a fantastic visual representation! I was just nodding my head while reading. I feel like there is no way we can "win". It's like everyone expects grief to be linear and it's not. You really should check out that post if you haven't yet. Just be easy on yourself - no one (not even you) can dictate what your grief journey will look like on any given day.

Bayberry12

MrsLaurenandDan said:

I agree. I also feel like in the beginning I got "you're so strong" and now it's "why are you still grieving?" I loved this post about the path of grief. 

yes!  I feel like I get this a lot.  It seems like people are are surprised that I am not the same happy out going person I used to be.  I am such a different person now, but no one understands.  

Bayberry12

@Brittianym It sounds like you have a special day planned to honor Brooke.  I'll be thinking of you. 

erinel

I definitely feel guilty when people notice how "well" I'm doing, and I hate it.  Just like many of you mentioned above, they don't see me when I'm crying in my car, behind my office door, or at home, so how would they know?  If anyone asks how I do it, I'm honest and tell them that I put on a brave face (or as much as I can) while I'm at work or in public, but cry a lot when I'm alone.

gracie5107

Yes, I often feel that my personal path of "grief" is judged by others who have completely no idea of what we're going through and it makes me angry, but such is life.  There is always going to be judgement.  There are those who can't believe I'm doing as well as I am and there are those who act as if nothing should be wrong with me and everything is back to normal.  I've decided I really can't spend time thinking or worrying about what others are thinking about my grief.  At this point, I need to do what is best for me...... share what I want to share, hide what I want to hide, cry when I need to cry, and everyone else can just deal.  This is not about them. 

My""favorite" is those who say they wouldn't be able to deal with what happened to us.  I always tell them they would because they have to.  Not living/not moving through this is not a choice I was given.  I would never choose this path for anyone, but it was the one I was given and therefore I have to live it.  That does not make me noble or courageous or any other descriptor that has been said.  It does make me a survivor and I will continue to keep living.  But they would too.