Moapy 6yo Concern

mamab3ar

Our 6yo has been becoming rather negative lately. When he is frustrated with homework he tends to say he can "never" do this or "never" do that etc. It just seems like everything has been negative, negative, negative from him. When he messes up on anything or cannot get something to work exactly how he wants it to he gets all worked up. Tonight, after an evening of playing with his sister and cousins, we were on out way home and he was getting all pouty and negative. He made his usual negative comments. He then went on to say that he wished he was on a power line. The tone he said it in was extremely upsetting and depressing. I don't think I have ever heard him sound so hopeless. He then went on to say that he wanted to be on the power line because of all the power in them. I realize that 6yos are at a point in their lives that they are trying to learn to cope with emotions and such but I am concerned that his comments and his outlook is becoming obsessively negative.

Basically I am wondering if these comments are typical of a kid this age.

ILoveBoys

Being consistently negative is never typical IMO. But especially at an impressionable age.

Something I tell my kids is "we dont use the word can't". I agree with PP that if possible talk to him about things and also start giving him positive things about himself. Maybe start giving him tasks you know he can do in order to set him up for success.

bunny731

If he is still playing and happy, like with his cousins, then that is good and perhaps less cause for concern than if he were suddenly avoiding a good time. He might just be trying on a little self-deprecation with you because you will boost him and he likes it. Or ( like my DS) shuts down when he fails at something. This is the first times in their life where they are confronting imperfection, some kids don't care, and some do. They have to find avenues for coping with that. I agree that finding new ways to empower your child is helpful, learning new tasks and such. Also inconspicuously picking out a fictional book or two with character themes of failure and how to cope more effectively may help and foster communications. Also asking him for solutions to a better outcome, rather than boosting May help, too.

Rxmom04

Our 5yo DS has had bouts of this in the past 6 months or so though maybe not to the extreme you describe. His meltdowns involved a lot of "I can't do this" and arm crossing followed by pouting and maybe some tears. Took us awhile to narrow it down but his seems to be coming from a particular daycare/preschool teacher that he has only come into contact with this year. She is not my favorite person for way more reasons than are appropriate to post here and if I didn't like the rest of the staff so much I'd pull him but it's only a few weeks until Summer camp starts there and then it will be different again and he's going to K in the fall so we'll deal until then. Anyway, what we think is causing his trouble isn't that he can't do the work she asks but that she gives little to no instruction or guidance and then gives us negative feedback when he doesn't perform as she thinks he should. This would be the same person that told me DS is immature and would probably be asked to wait another year for school when the kindergarten assessment came around (the teacher at school says he's fine). So what we've been doing is working through the things she says he can't or won't do at home with a little extra praise and I always say something about how his teachers at the big kid school will be so happy he can do this or that. The extra time and practice have seemed to help his confidence and the fact that this particular person has spent some time out in medical leave this spring hasn't hurt either. So I guess that's a long way of asking if maybe there's been a change at school or maybe they're working on something new he doesn't feel comfortable with.

ILoveBoys

Rxmom04 said:

Our 5yo DS has had bouts of this in the past 6 months or so though maybe not to the extreme you describe. His meltdowns involved a lot of "I can't do this" and arm crossing followed by pouting and maybe some tears. Took us awhile to narrow it down but his seems to be coming from a particular daycare/preschool teacher that he has only come into contact with this year. She is not my favorite person for way more reasons than are appropriate to post here and if I didn't like the rest of the staff so much I'd pull him but it's only a few weeks until Summer camp starts there and then it will be different again and he's going to K in the fall so we'll deal until then. Anyway, what we think is causing his trouble isn't that he can't do the work she asks but that she gives little to no instruction or guidance and then gives us negative feedback when he doesn't perform as she thinks he should. This would be the same person that told me DS is immature and would probably be asked to wait another year for school when the kindergarten assessment came around (the teacher at school says he's fine). So what we've been doing is working through the things she says he can't or won't do at home with a little extra praise and I always say something about how his teachers at the big kid school will be so happy he can do this or that. The extra time and practice have seemed to help his confidence and the fact that this particular person has spent some time out in medical leave this spring hasn't hurt either. So I guess that's a long way of asking if maybe there's been a change at school or maybe they're working on something new he doesn't feel comfortable with.

If you haven't already, please speak to her  or supervisor about your concerns. If she's doing this to your DS she is probably doing it to others in his class as well.

Rxmom04

ILoveBoys said:

Rxmom04 said:

Our 5yo DS has had bouts of this in the past 6 months or so though maybe not to the extreme you describe. His meltdowns involved a lot of "I can't do this" and arm crossing followed by pouting and maybe some tears. Took us awhile to narrow it down but his seems to be coming from a particular daycare/preschool teacher that he has only come into contact with this year. She is not my favorite person for way more reasons than are appropriate to post here and if I didn't like the rest of the staff so much I'd pull him but it's only a few weeks until Summer camp starts there and then it will be different again and he's going to K in the fall so we'll deal until then. Anyway, what we think is causing his trouble isn't that he can't do the work she asks but that she gives little to no instruction or guidance and then gives us negative feedback when he doesn't perform as she thinks he should. This would be the same person that told me DS is immature and would probably be asked to wait another year for school when the kindergarten assessment came around (the teacher at school says he's fine). So what we've been doing is working through the things she says he can't or won't do at home with a little extra praise and I always say something about how his teachers at the big kid school will be so happy he can do this or that. The extra time and practice have seemed to help his confidence and the fact that this particular person has spent some time out in medical leave this spring hasn't hurt either. So I guess that's a long way of asking if maybe there's been a change at school or maybe they're working on something new he doesn't feel comfortable with.

If you haven't already, please speak to her  or supervisor about your concerns. If she's doing this to your DS she is probably doing it to others in his class as well.

Oh yes! You've got the very short version of the story but there's a huge backstory to this that involves ties with the Inlaws and all sorts of other nonsense. It's a bit of a mess now and I'd have never picked this daycare in the first place to avoid it if this had been the situation going in but all was very well for 4 years before this person was hired. There have been multiple sit downs with the daycare director who completely understands my concerns and is monitoring things. They have gotten better but it's been a struggle. My twins will never be under this person's care but quite honestly I don't think this person will be in the job that long.

taggiecb

I have dealt with this with both of my older children this last year.  They have both struggled for different reasons, but my advice to you is to not give up on finding the solution to his problem.  Sometimes it's easier to deal with making them feel better instead of finding what made them upset in the first place.  And also try asking them, not what is wrong, but what would make it better.  For DS2, it was a very simple solution that I did not think would change anything, but it did.  He knew what he needed, but didn't know how to communicate it to me.  DS1 was a little more lengthy in his "recovery" but it also come down to knowing that his parents, and family, and teacher was willing to do what we needed to give him what he needed.

mamab3ar

ILoveBoys said:

Being consistently negative is never typical IMO. But especially at an impressionable age. Something I tell my kids is "we dont use the word can't". I agree with PP that if possible talk to him about things and also start giving him positive things about himself. Maybe start giving him tasks you know he can do in order to set him up for success.

He is really big on "can't" I have been trying to encourage him to not say that particular word. I have noticed that he uses it less but then he switched to "never". I think I might have to ban that word from the house too.

mamab3ar

being able to do something as well as he wants it to be. I think he might be developing a perfectionist personality.

I appreciate the responses. (and sorry for this being gray not sure why it is doing that or how to make it go away.) I will definitely try some of your suggestions.

lildevil968

My DD was the same way, and still is sometimes. I talked with her pedi about it, and she told us to do positive reinforcement. Basically what we do is when ever she says something negative about herself, or a situation, she gets something taken away. The only way she can earn that item back is by saying 10 positive things about herself, or the situation.  Once she reaches 10 things, she has to be sincere about it, or she does not get the item back until she means it.